There’s A 30% Chance Kristen Stewart Is In Your Home Town!

June 27, 2012

For all the humpers out there, happy humping… and for the rest of us pervs just watching in the windows, happy perving.

While I patiently wait for Spain to battle to the death with Portugal in the semi-finals match-up of the century of the European Cup, let’s spend our time talking of Kristen Stewart, Australia being uptight, and my expectations for today’s Spain/Portugal game.

First… without me knowing it… probably because I rarely look up anything about the Wantess… probably because you’ll find out soon enough that news of the Almighty’s vessel of the truest Want comes to find me…


Apparently, the “countess of craving” was attending a wedding somewhere in the Bergen County section of Bruce Springsteen’s state. KS attended it with RP, but the big story was that KS wasn’t wearing a dress. Instead, Stewart wore jeans. Jeans? JEANS? JEANS!!!!!! Apparently, this has been the most repulsive thing Kristen could have done at a wedding ever forever and ever.

First off, Kristen Stewart simply did not wear jeans. She also wore a black shirt that is see-thru with camera flashes, so each picture comes with a captivating cameo of the highest paid actress of 2012’s bra. That right there is a good enough wedding present than anything else. If you could go to a wedding a guarantee an topical A list celebrity who also doubles as an attractive femme fatale and everyone goes home with a snap shot of themselves with her and a little bra… BEST WEDDING GIFT EVER!

Second, it doesn’t matter what Kristen Stewart wore to the wedding because it was Kristen Stewart, her want and her magical touch that attended as well. Look at the girl in the pink, she is literally melting. MELTING. It is a combination of being so close to Kristen Stewart’s want and being graced with the slightest touch of Kristen Stewart’s exposed wrist. MELTING. How many other wedding guests made other wedding guests MELT? Well, probably Rob did, but they came as a package deal.

Third, with marriages having a divorce rate of 50% with in the first 7 years – you’re lucky people even show up to weddings still. When a baseball team realistically only has a 50% chance of winning, ticket sales drop. People aren’t attending games for losers. You wouldn’t jump out of an airplane with a parachute that only worked half of the time. People should simply be happy that you’re taking their wedding serious at all. Honestly, we should have a party for marriages that make it the full 7 years and defeat the odds than having a party before they’ve done zero leg work.

From New Jersey, the “regent of requirement” was busily shuttled away to PARIS, FRANCE for a night in her honor – not making this up – from a particular fashion designer who I have a difficult time remembering how to pronounce…


At the moment, I don’t have or haven’t seen any pictures posted from said event minus the invitation, but while trying to find a picture I stumbled across another picture of Kristen Stewart, which is now my favorite picture of this chick of all time…


or more appropriate…


I feel like I’ll never see this Kristen Stewart in a movie instead I’ll have to settle for seeing mopy Kristen Stewart. It takes awhile for actors to find themselves. Like, Denzel Washington toiled around as a romantic interest on soap operas before he started playing bad ass gun carrying cops or former cops or just some dude with a gun, which everyone loves. I’m not expecting Kristen Stewart to turn into an intense middle aged black man over night, but let’s just say that if she doesn’t get a role in a movie where her character has some personality then I’ll become severely mopy.

Anyway, little Kristen Stewart from a small town named Los Angeles, California had a dinner in her honor in Paris, France. That’s pretty cool.

I don’t have a clue who “Balenciaga” is and if I don’t look at the word then I keep saying it in my head as “Blockinclaga”, but still pretty cool. It’s no “Nike” or “Reebok”, but pretty fucking cool.

Not sure how to tie this into the next story… oh wait… isn’t Kristen part Australian… that works I guess…

This is Stephanie Rice. She’s Australian. She’s a hot Australian. She’s a hot Australian who also is a 3x gold medal winning Olympic swimmer. No one has a problem with this picture, least of all me. Honestly, if I did have a problem it would be that it’s not in 3D or she’s wearing too many clothes or that I can’t just take it to a court house and marry it right now. Nevertheless…

Stephanie has been swimming in some hot water (kill me) in her home country over a new picture she took of herself…

Apparently, Australians are prudes all of a sudden and think this is in bad taste.

First off, what?

Second, Stephanie Rice has got a body on her. Australians are pissed about this? If I had a country/continent/former island prison of my own – this would be the new flag. Just this picture waving in the breeze over the capital building.

Third, any Australian I’ve met has been drunk and crazy. When did they get all prude and conservative? There are dozens of pictures of Stephanie Rice in modeling pictures, bikini pictures, as well as simply swimsuit pictures because she’s a swimmer – an amazing one at that – and they’re pissed about this twitter picture?

The only problem I have with the picture is, where’s your face girl? And turn on some lights and never use a flash. The only time you should use a flash is if you’re spelunking in a cave or if a murderer has turned off the lights in your apartment and the only thing you have to illuminate them is your camera’s flash ala the first “Saw” – by the way, that scene and the movie sucked and it had so much promise.

On the other hand, America loves this picture. Also, the bikini which is referred to as the “tomb raider” (well played) has been having record sales since this “controversy”. And the company is in love with Stephanie for all of this.

Australia, what the fuck? Get your head back into the game. I expect better from you.


I root for Spain and specifically for this man…


In my opinion, Xabi Alonso is the basis of Dos Equis’ “Most Interesting Man in the World”.

And that’s that for today.


One Response to “There’s A 30% Chance Kristen Stewart Is In Your Home Town!”

  1. KStewBoy said

    Jordan – fantastic post today. I am very impressed with your knowledge of the beautiful game, as I would estimate that < 0.000001% of NFL fans know who Xabi Alonso is.

    And thank you for introducing me to Stephanie Rice. The Olympics just got interesting.

    As for people complaining what Kristen wore to someone's wedding.. that's just boring. Just worship her and move on, people.

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