KSWI Presents: The Complete “Magic Mike” Preview Minus A Big Swinging D In Your Face

June 29, 2012

HAPPY FRIDAY!

It’s weekend time and for many of my friends and enemies it is FINALLY “Magic Mike” weekend.

You’ve been watching the previews with baited breath, you’ve been champing at the bit and by bit I mean one of these dude’s set of abs that are covered in a sleek sweat sheen on apparently every commercial break of every channel, you’ve been patiently waiting to go to a movie theater to see a half dozen men strip to their jock straps all lead by Channing Tatum while praying the storyline does not get too much in the way. SHUT UP, PLOT! There are dudes taking their clothes off!

But the question remains, who are these dudes who you will salivate over on celluloid in a public theater and what have those who have already experienced the gyrating think?

Thankfully, I am here to go where every gay man wants to go and where many straight men will go because this movie will probably do good/great business this weekend and the internet is filled with bigger whores for clicks than the male whores these actors will be playing…

MAGIC MIKE!

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THERE THEY ARE! THEY’RE SO… well… honestly… kind of… disappointing…

Damn it! I’m sorry, ladies. Movie magic works both ways and honestly as much like sex Gods these guys appear to be in the previews – they kind of look like normal dudes in real life and some have odd facial hair now and really the only one that I think looks incredible is probably the only one most women who are seeing this movie don’t even know and that’s “Biker Moses” Kevin Nash, we’ll talk more about him in the future.

I’m a little disappointed. I looked up some premiere photos and they’re all just in suits and it looks like Kevin Nash is getting married and the rest are his mismatched groomsmen. They’re not slick with baby oil or flexing any muscles or even showing the littlest bit of “whale tail” thong action. Is that hot for chicks? I mean for a guy, seeing a girl’s thong popping out of the back of her jeans is generally a turn on, but does that work in reverse? If a reasonably attractive male co-worker bent over to refill the paper tray all the way at the bottom of the Xerox machine and you spotted a thong peeking out the back… how much would you have to resist gnawing on the T-back and then later taking an extra long lunch break service yourself in the passenger’s seat of your car in the parking lot? … Just curious.

While we’re at it, I’ve been checking out RottenTomatoes dot com (it’s over 80%) for those quick buzz line reviews, which are unintentionally hilarious in their own right. Honestly, I don’t believe all movie reviewers see all the movies they say they’re reviewing because what they say really doesn’t say anymore than I couldn’t say myself without even seeing the movie… case in point…

Stephen Whitty of the Newark Star Ledger – “If you’re looking for a romance with 100 percent prime beefcake? Get your singles out and ready, ladies. “Magic Mike” is in the house.”

Yeah? Pretty sure that’s EXACTLY what the trailer says. I would bet that’s not too far off from what the press release for the movie says.

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Hello, Matthew Mcasdfhaskdg-hey. As the patriarch of this movie, Matthew here plays “Dallas” who is the owner and co-stripper of the place in question where all the stripping happens in this movie. Think Bill Russell in his final NBA championship winning season where he was both the best player on the team as well as the coach of the team. It’s exactly like that. I’m sure that’s what all you white women were thinking anyway. Oh yeah, there will be more white women in the theaters seeing this movie than “Sex in the City” and any movie featuring Diane Lane. That’s who white women want to be – whoever Diane Lane is in a movie. It’s a good choice. White guys all think they have some Bruce Willis in them. Since there are no black people in this movie, I won’t go too much into who I think black people think they are – men: Jamie Foxx, women: Angela Bassett – but there is one Hispanic guy in the movie and one guy who is so Italian he kind of looks Hispanic, more on them later.

James Adams from Globe and Mail – Soderbergh’s direction – he’s also the cinematographer – is largely loose-limbed, the film enlivened with bravura moments, including a decidedly spacey, eye-twisting orgy scene near the end.

Is that English? What the fuck is he saying? Are there naked dudes in this movie or not, James?! Oh wait, did you say “orgy”? Those are the spoilers we all need. Also, if there is no orgy at the near end… KILL JAMES ADAMS.
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Mr. Tatum. When I look at Mr. Tatum, I think two things:

1. Dude must use a lot of lip gloss, chap stick, or some lip lubricant.

2. His face would be easy to make into one of those creepy plastic Halloween masks. Doesn’t it already kind of look like he’s surgically stapled his own fake face over his own real face? And he’s just peering through those slits they cut into the plastic? Am I the only one seeing this?

This movie is Channing’s baby, which should be particularly interesting since I think the best acting he’s ever done is getting shot in the back at the beginning of “Public Enemies”. He is a good dancer, but as far as acting goes … he mumbles for one. But who cares. As long as he keeps his shirt off in a 60/40 ration of screen time then I’m sure no one will notice or care. But Channing Tatum mumbles worse than 50 Cent and 50 Cent got shot in the fucking face… what’s Tatum’s excuse?

Rafer Guzman of Newsday – It’s one of the year’s best surprises, and so is its frequently underrated star.

I think someone’s got a crush! Oh, Rafer, you hopeless romantic.
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FINALLY! A woman! It’s Olivia Munn.

I’m not entirely sure what’s true or not since I’ve only read a couple headlines and really haven’t researched any of this, but there’s a chance Olivia Munn goes topless. I’m also thinking there’s about as much female nudity in the movie as there is male or maybe more female nudity. It wouldn’t come as a shock to me if that were the case at all. In the famous gayest movie “Brokeback Mountain” we actually saw two scenes of female nudity – Michelle and Anne – as opposed to that quick shot of Jake G. jumping into the water. There’s also more sex scenes with women in the movie than men – also 2 to 1, if I remember correctly. Which is pretty funny. So, ladies and gentlemen who are attending this movie, there’s probably a good chance you’re seeing boobs. There’s also a chance you’re seeing some schlong, but who knows. It could be like “Any Given Sunday” where it’s just some peen in the background.

Ty Burr from the Boston Globe – “Magic Mike” is so much better than it needs to be that it’s sick.

Sick? Is this professional speak? I write for a website about professional cagefighting and if my top thought about an event was just that it was “sick” I’d be replaced before the next one. Whatever works, Boston.

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I did not know Benecio Del Toro was in this movie! That’s so… oh wait, it’s not him. It’s that other guy from that show and he really doesn’t look like I was expecting. This is that guy Joe from “True Blood” and he’s so Italian he legitimately could pass for anything South of Texas. Hahahah… he’s from Pittsburgh! Hahahah… he must’ve cleaned up when he was growing up in Pittsburgh with or without his 12 pack of abs he currently has. Any girl who wanted to expand their sexual horizon could hook up with Joe and depending on his fake accent, he could be from anywhere! He’s also from the same area of Pittsburgh I lived… although, I’ve been told that everyone is from “Mt. Lebanon” so maybe Joe and I aren’t soulmates after all.

I imagine Joe will be really showing everyone his acting chops as “Big Dick Richie”.

Mike LaSalle from the San Francisco Chronicle – At the very least, it is exceptional and one of the best and most original pictures to come along in 2012.

At the “very least” it’s “exceptional”? How impossibly amazing was “Magic Mike” to Mike LaSalle? At the “very least” it was “exceptional” to him. Wow. I think Mike had to get a new set of pants halfway through the movie he was enjoying it so much.

And not because I’m insinuating that Mike LaSalle is gay. I’m insinuating that Mike LaSalle jerks off to the cinematography of Steven Soderbergh movies. Ok?
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Uhhhhhhhhhhh… no clue.

Is she in this movie? Or was she a prop master or something? A key grip with a nice smile?

Kenneth Turan from the Los Angeles Times – If filmmaker Soderbergh had paid as much attention to relationship dynamics as he does to dance number mechanics, this film would have gotten closer to living up to the magic in its name.

Say it ain’t so, Kenny. He still gave the movie a 2.5 out of 5, so Ken did really like the those “dance number mechanics” – IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Ken’s got a boner, Ken’s got a boner! Hahahahahah… I did just insinuate that Ken is gay or bi-curious or has involuntary erections (there are dozens of us, dozens!).

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Is this the guy from “White Collar”? The guy from “White Collar” is stripping in this movie? Interesting. I hate my life by the way knowing about the show “White Collar” or anyone in it. I blame my parents for that. He kind of looks like he’s in the middle of filming an episode of “White Collar” in this picture. Is “Magic Mike” really just an overly grandiose sting operation for “White Collar”? Could be.

Dana Stevens from Slate – Half wish-fulfillment fantasy, half after-school special, Magic Mike is in many ways an unserious movie — but like many of Soderbergh’s slicker entertainments, it’s not without its moments of substance.

Whatever, Dana. If the theater exits of “Magic Mike” aren’t marked by slug trails of vaginal discharge then this movie is a complete fucking failure. And you can quote me on that, Dana.

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Alex should be a serial killer. I’ve seen a movie with this dude in it and yet anytime I see a picture of him – honestly, doesn’t happen a lot – his face looks different and I can’t tell that it’s him. That guy in that picture resembles the dude from “I Am Number Four” as much as any other young, strong jawed white guy. I have seen a scene of the movie where Matthew is wearing booty shorts and pressed up against Alex who is grinding in front of a mirror while giving Alex a pep talk about how to be the best male stripper. In all unflinching honesty, that would be an awesome way to wake up everyday. Matt and his southern accent telling me how to be the fantasy for women while I’m just dancing in the mirror. It would be a fucking weird way to wake up every morning, but talk about the confidence I would have before my first cup of coffee – it would be through the roof.

Steven Rea from the Philadelphia Inquirer – A weirdly guilty pleasure.

I didn’t insinuate anything. Steven did that for me.

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THERE SHE IS, MISS CODY HORN A-K-A THE MOST HATED CHARACTER IN THE MOVIE.

I’ve never heard of Cody Horn, but I would bet ONE MILLION DOLLARS that every chick or gay man or whoever sees this movie to see Matthew, Alex, Joe, and Channing rub oil on their abs is going to fucking hate Cody as the screen time eating love interest of Tatum. Every time she appears on screen, people in their seats will be thinking, “will this bitch just die, so we can get back to another stripping scene.” And they would be correct.

Manohia Dargis from the New York Times – A smoothly distilled collaboration that balances Mr. Tatum’s heat and charm – and ambitions that are as transparent as Mike’s – with Mr. Soderbergh’s cool, cinematic intelligence and ongoing preoccupations.

Can someone teach this chick how to write a fucking less complicated sentence? Not me. I can’t. But I’m also not getting paid by the New York Times. DID YOU EVEN LIKE THIS MOVIE?! What about how big their D’s look? Did you like that? Seriously, all I’m getting is that it’s “balanced”. It’s balanced about what I don’t know, but it’s balanced though. Great. Well done, Manohia. You saw a nearly 2 hour movie of dudes swinging their dicks and you came back saying it was balanced. Well done.
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Fuck yeah.

KEVIN FUCKING NASH! JACKKNIFE POWERBOMB! If Kevin Nash doesn’t hit someone with a standing vertical suplex or a big boot or a choke slam then this was a wasteful appearance of the big man. Dude got a hair cut on his top and his chin, but before then that salt and pepper was flowing like the wine in France and he looked like a majestic God. He was “Biker Moses” in my opinion and to others he was “Zeus”, but in our heart of hearts he will always be the reliable half of “The Outsiders” or the Heartbreak Kid’s bodyguard “Diesel” or as the underrated comic actor of his generation. Seriously, if there is some good humor in this movie it will be from Kevin Nash. I bet that he has at least one laugh out loud moment in the movie. His character’s name is Tarzan apparently, so do what you will with that, but like I said – dude usually does something genuinely funny in movies he’s in.

Ian Buckwalter from NPR – The film’s portrait of self-delusion and gradual awakening makes for compelling viewing, even if it’s eventually somewhat undercut by a pop-romance ending that seems undeservedly tidy.

I’ll tell you what, Ian saw the damn movie. If there has been one sentence that has said anything that makes me think the person actually saw the thing – it’s Ian. Well done, Ian. No mention of an orgy though.

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That guy! I don’t who this is. Who are you? Wait… he kind of looks familiar… TV actor, right? Fuck! What show was he… CSI: Miami. BOOM! Damn it, I wish I didn’t know that. I blame my parents for that too. They watch every cop show ever. You would think they were cops or tried out to be cops or something that would explain it, but boy do they like watching fictional crimes solved by fictional police units. Hmmm… well, CSI: Miami guy is about as ethnic as this movie is getting. I’m really surprised there isn’t one black guy in this movie. But whatever. I guess Morris Chestnut was too costly.

James Berardinelli from stupid ass website… – Magic Mike is an allegory and its appeal lies in part in its message. You don’t have to be a stripper to recognize what the filmmakers are saying.

Really, James? You’re a top critic on Rotten Tomatoes? I don’t have to be a stripper to recognize what the filmmakers are saying?! Of course! You never have to be whatever the movie is about to understand what the movie is saying! I didn’t have to be a fireman to get “Backdraft” or the President to get “Air Force One” or be a mentally handicapped Southerner who is a world class long distance runner and international ping pong champion and war hero who becomes a multi-millionaire shrimp boat captain to understand that Tom Hanks contracts AIDS at the end of “Forrest Gump” and cry all my fucking tears out of my head when Forrest is talking to Jenny’s grave!

Finally…
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These guys want IT.

And by “IT”, I mean like around $50 million at the box office this weekend.

Good luck.

Have a great weekend.

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3 Responses to “KSWI Presents: The Complete “Magic Mike” Preview Minus A Big Swinging D In Your Face”

  1. PWG said

    Miss you guys. Busy trying not to catch fire over here in the purple mountains’ majesty. Great post. I’ve been on conference calls for the last six and a half hours, with less than five minute breaks in between them. I’m still on one, listening and typing away. Oh no, someone just figured out the issue is that they were typing an underscore instead of a dash! That’s how fucking exciting my life away from you is.

    A: Cody Horn, who stands like that? Are you trying to minimize your non-existent thighs, or show me your ankle tattoo? Well done, Ms. Insecurity 2012.

    I saw Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter last week. That probably sums up my life right now. Magic Mike looks like Coyote Ugly, but with, you know, dicks. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but I’d have to be a whole lot drunker than I am now to go see it. I’m not saying THAT like it’s a bad thing, either.

  2. PWG said

    Happy belated birthday.

  3. PWG said

    For what it’s worth, I did a Google image search for “gay pride oreos” just now and got back a page of 37 pictures of rainbow stuffed oreos and a still from the movie Magic Mike.

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