I’m fucking pissed.

I’m watching the Olympics as I write this and the US’ top dude judo player – Travis Stevens – just got fucked out of a gold medal match by the dumb ass judges. That’s the long and short of it. Travis will get the chance to compete for bronze as I write this, but he should’ve been fighting for gold. A judo match is 5 minutes and a 3 minute overtime. Travis was going against the former gold medal winner from Germany. They went all 8 minutes, which means it comes down to a judges’ decision and as I mentioned – the judges fucked Travis. Not only was Travis clearly the aggressor that whole match, but Travis got cut in the match and had athletic tape criss-crossing his face like he was Liam Neeson in “Darkman”.

Ugh. I’ll keep you informed to what happens… I was already mad at the gymnastics judges from last night and the bullshit of arbitrarily giving Japan the silver and fucking over the Ukraine and demoting the Brits from silver to bronze. That was horseshit.

Fuck. Travis lost in the bronze medal match to a Canadian. He should’ve been in that gold medal match to begin with. Fuck. I talked to Travis before the games and he said he was thinking of making the switch to MMA. I hope he does. He’s an animal and I bet he’ll do well in the cage where he’s given more than a split second to go for a submission. Plus punches.

It feels like a month ago, but I started my breakdown of movies for August and I’ll continue it. I finished on “The Campaign” in the last article, which is about the only really really really good looking movie that is coming out this month in my opinion. Anyway… next up…

HOPE SPRINGS

Old people fucking.

Say it with me… actually sing it with me.

OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!

Now, just the boys!

OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!

Now, just the ladies!

OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!

Now, everybody! I want them to hear it in the back row!

OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!

Well done, everyone.

Do you want to see old people fucking? Then check out spankwire or where ever because there are a ton of videos of that stuff. Or you can wait and see Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep and the old boss on “The Office” talk an awful lot about old people fucking.

RED HOOK SUMMER

I don’t even know anymore about Spike Lee. I watched the trailer for this movie and it literally looks like Spike Lee shot this movie over a weekend following watching “Do the Right Thing” and a conversation where Spike Lee goes, “I bet I can still make movies like that.” And ta-da! I doubt I’m seeing this movie and I bet none of you will either. Actually I’ll go a step farther and say you’ll forget that this movie is even coming out in the month of August by the end of this post. What’s the movie about? Unstructured kid, too structured adult, and a whole lot of lingering shots of Brooklyn. Whatever. I’m waiting on Spike Lee to ruin “Old Boy”. That’s what I’m waiting for.

THE ODD LIFE OF TIMOTHY GREEN

I’ve got no fucking clue. In all honesty, I just want to write off “Red Hook Summer” as “black people” and write off “The Odd Life of Timothy Green” as “white people” and no one is seeing either. So, a forest elf gnome magical sprite child is birthed to himself in the garden of a lily white couple featuring Jennifer Garner and some guy can’t remember who and he makes everyone feel better with his whimsy. Yeah, I would rather re-circumcise myself with the sharpened handle of a toothbrush than watch two minutes of this movie. If watching this movie cured cancer, I’d learn to live with cancer.

COSMOPOLIS

I’m seeing it. Don’t worry, you undying Rob Pattison affectionites. I’m seeing it. I see most David Cronenberg movies (I skipped the last one about Kiera Knightley getting spanked for psychotherapy… as appealing as that might sound – it looked stupid) and the book this movie is based on does sound very interesting. I’m not a Pattinson acting fan in the least, but it will give me and him a chance to truly judge what the guy’s got. I didn’t see “Remember Me” or any one of the other 100 movies he’s made completely and utterly for chicks, so all I’ve really seen is him as the most forgettable “who’s he again?” dead kid in Harry Potter and that “New Moon” which was abysmal, but not necessarily because of him although he did help. So here you go, Robbles. Prove to me and the rest of us that you can really act.

Also, I read that he left his house, so that Kristen could pack, so she could leave. I feel like Rob dating Kristen was the age old Icarus story except the Sun was Kristen’s want. People kept saying, “why doesn’t Rob get hurt by all of Kristen’s want?” But he eventually did. The question is, will he go back for round 2? Or he could be gay like RuPaul says. I don’t know. Or he could be dating Katy Perry because apparently everyone is dating her. Whatever.

EXPENDABLES 2

The first one sucked. Yep. I said it. The first “Expendables” was bad and I never want to see a second of it again. Will I see “Expendables 2”? Probably. My reasoning is this – it can’t be worse than the first. The first was really bad. It also features Jean Claude Van Damme. The first movie didn’t really have a bad guy nor did the movie make any sense. This sequel appears to have a bad guy with the initials JCVD and I can see that being good. It can be good. It probably won’t be, but it has potential. Literally, as I’m typing this, I’m thinking about the first “Expendables” and it was awful. So fucking bad. Any scene with Mickey Rourke in it? FUCKING STUPID. Any scene with Jason Statham in it? FUCKING STUPID. Any scene with Jet Li in it? FUCKING STUPID. Any scene that didn’t feature an “expendable”? FUCKING STUPID. About the only OK part of the movie was when Randy Couture and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and Sly Stallone and that other guy wearing the denim shirt and khakis fought. That scene was decent. It was basically the same scene as Vin Diesel and The Rock fighting one-on-one in “Fast Five”, so there’s that. I feel like I’m going to end up seeing “Expendables 2” just to see how much worse it can get or can they make a watchable movie. It’s up for debate.

PARANORMAN

Do you have kids? You’re seeing it.

Do you know about contraception and haven’t accidentally gestated a second you in the stomach of either yourself or another woman? You’re not seeing it.

SPARKLE

No.

THE APPARITION

Do you know that age old tradition of taking a hot chick and putting her into a horror movie no one is ever going to see?

Let me present… Ashley Greene and the movie “The Apparition”.

There’s something really disturbing about Hollywood producers that when they see an incredibly hot and sexy chick that the first and only thing they can think of doing with her is make a movie about wanting to chop her head off.

Dear Ashley,

I would never simulate doing such mean things to you.

Sincerely,

Some blogger

HIT AND RUN

Let me ask you a question… do you think Dax Shepard is funny?

At this moment, you are either saying “no” or “who is Dax Shepard?” and let me tell you – both answers are right.

This movie is Dax Shepard’s baby and it looks like a worse version of the “Dukes of Hazard” movie. Great. Thank you, Hollywood. Sound investments made always.

And that about does it for today… barf.

With 7 movies left to preview, August is so far – “The Campaign” because it looks amazing, “Cosmopolis” because why not, and “Expendables 2” because if it is better or worse then I just want to see the madness and JCVD on the big screen one more time. That’s a shitty month. Did I miss anything?

I love the Olympics.

There are almost too many amazing stories happening to follow. Obviously, I’m rooting for the greatest country of them all, we won a gold medal in being the best… the United States of AMERICA! ‘MERICA!

Kim Rhode! Kim Rhode tied her own record to win a gold medal this year in skeet shooting. That record? NINETY NINE OUT OF ONE HUNDRED! 99-100!

Why are people so afraid of the zombie apocalypse? We have Kim Rhode! Give her a rifle and unlimited ammo and she’ll mow down armies of zombies one shot to the brain at a time.

This morning, Marti Malloy who competes at 57 kg in judo won a bronze medal. A fucking bronze badass medal.

For the US, this is only our second medal of any sort for the women’s judo team. Our first was in 2008 with Ronda Rousey’s bronze medal. Now, Marti. It’s also a different weight division, so that was the US’ first medal at that weight division ever. Unbelievable. On top of that, we still have two medal hopefuls on our judo team: Travis Stevens and Kayla Harrison. Harrison is actually a favorite for gold. Fuck yeah, America.

There are a ton of great stories in general, but let’s focus on girls gymnastics for a moment…

THE JUDGING IS BULLSHIT

THE RULE ABOUT ONLY TWO REPRESENTATIVES MAX IN THE ALL AROUND IS BULLSHIT

I WANT TO GIVE ALL OF LADIES A HUG BECAUSE THEY ARE PRINCESSES OF THE GYM MATS AND THEY ARE SO TOUGH, BUT SO FRAIL AND THEY NEED OUR SUPPORT AND WHEN THEY TEAR UP A LITTLE OR SOMEONE YELLS AT THEM, I GET MAD AND WANT TO HELP THEM BECAUSE I’M HONESTLY THREE OF THEM PUT TOGETHER

Those are my first thoughts.

Watch fucking horseshit is it that Jordyn Wieber can’t compete in the All Around because of the two limit for a nation. So, there’s going to be some other tiny girl competing in that event who didn’t score higher than her, but she gets to compete because she’s not from the US of A. That’s some bullshit. I know the rule isn’t too too new, but it’s a fucking fucking fucking stupid rule. I don’t know how to say it more eloquently than that. Fuck those FIG (Federation of International Gymnastics) fucks. FUCK THOSE FIG FUCKERS! FUCK THEM! THEY MADE JORDYN CRY! AND THAT MADE BIG JORDAN ANGRY!!!!!

Anyway, Aly Raisman is amazing. So, is Gabby Douglass. I hope Jordyn smokes the rest of the competition in the team event later.

Anyway, anyway…

The two best moments at the Olympics thus far…

The greatest first lady ever Michelle Obama hugs the US men’s basketball team. I love it. I want a hug. They all look so giddy about hugging her. They also look like school children lining up.

I hope Michelle Obama found Jordyn in London and hugged the tears out of that gymnast.

And then the greatest moment of the games…

STICK IT!

STICK IT!

That has to be what Aly Raisman’s parents look like when they’re having sex. STICK IT!

..

.

The events have been great. The coverage has sucked. I think NBC is doing a decent to a shitty job at all times. A lot of times there is a complete lack of context of what is going on when you’re watching. Plus with this all being tape delayed – why are there still these problems? They seem to be slow with their graphics of what is going on with most sports you’re watching. Like in boxing, half the time they don’t say who just scored what in the last round. How am I supposed to know who is winning or losing at that point in the match if I don’t know the scores? Plus, the coverage itself is all over the map. Sometimes they show it, sometimes you have to wait, sometimes it is online, sometimes it isn’t. I don’t know. It’s sports and the sports are what matters, but NBC is dropping the ball on a ton of this stuff. Shitty commercial breaks? They did a commercial break last night after waiting for a score to be tallied in gymnastics, they went to commercial before they read the score. Before? You just waited for them to tally it and then you’re going to cut out right before they read it? You don’t go to commercial in the middle of a guy taking a jump shot!

I also thought the opening ceremonies were dreadfully stupid. Mary Poppins fighting Voldemort? Is England the setting of The Hobbit? Why was everyone dressed like Abraham Lincoln? Bond and the “queen” jumping out of a helicopter is really great? Anything that happened in that cell phone/twitter/text messaging/internet snooze fest section of the opening ceremonies! ANY MOMENT OF THAT SUCKED! ALL OF THOSE MOMENTS SUCKED!

You’re England. Some of the greatest music ever recorded ever was recorded in England. How did you fuck this up?

The best part was the “Hey Jude” moment when Danny Boyle finally realized that all he needed to do was have one of the many heroes of rock and roll from England just fucking play some fucking music without any nightmarish Broadway stage show horse shit. It also happened like 4 hours into the broadcast. And Bob Costas is the worst. The worst.

How was your weekend?

Happy Friday, everyone.

Large and small. Up in the clouds, down to the Earth. Running to and fro. Is it fro? What is fro? Or stationary on the couch. Blonde and brunette. Red head and blue head. Real or fake. Rich or poor. Although, rich people a little more because they own more computers than poor people generally do, so there is a higher percentage chance a rich person will actually see this website for me to wish them another happy day in their rich lives. White, black, mocha, cappuccino, nacho cheese from all that fake tan spray. Whatever you may be, Happy Friday.

I’ve been sidetracked this week as most have been.

I was writing about the August movies and previewing them in that way I do. I haven’t forgotten about that. The other 2/3’s of those movies will be talked about next week. That is unless Rob Pattinson is caught making out with Liberty Ross or going down on Tina Fey or something of the like. Why Tina Fey? Well, I feel like if Rob does decide to move on, Tina Fey’s a great choice. Some may say something like – but Tina Fey is married! And I’ll respond, but have you seen her husband? He couldn’t possibly be allowed to have sex with Tina. Their children are all test tube babies in my opinion until we see a sextape confirming actual physical sex between the two. Or at the very least you could try to keep pace with my thinking and just live in a possible future world where Rob Pattinson is now banging Tina Fey and then she’s going to write all these awkward cameos for him to do on “30 Rock”. How does that sound?

I did want to mention a few things before you go off to your weekends of tequila blackout drunkedness to forget about Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson seemingly breaking up for the rest of time…

1. DON’T SEE “THE WATCH”

I won’t lie, I’m not sure if I’m going to end up seeing it myself. I may not take my own advice and not see it. Also, there’s a chance that I see it and love it and then Monday I’ll tell you to go see it… BUT… I have said in the past that you should probably be expecting this to be really funny because all these funny people are in it and the premise really isn’t that bad, but after one looky loo to Rotten Tomatoes and you’ll see that EVERYONE HATES IT! The last number I saw was the movie hovering around 15% on a scale of a possible 100%, so it sucks. I just don’t want you to have an endorsement from me in the back of your mind to go see that movie. I’m not endorsing it. I would suggest that you either just stay in and watch #2 and #3 of this upcoming list or go see “The Dark Knight Rises” again because the movie is wonderful.

Won’t lie, if “The Watch” does actually suck – I blame it all on the director.

2. WATCH THE OLYMPICS

Like all of them for the next 2 weeks.

It seems to me that most people become cynical about the Olympics at some point in life and sometimes that stretch of cynicism goes on for years, but don’t be that person. Don’t. There’s nothing to be cynical about with the Olympics. The only people who should really be cynical are actually Olympians because most of them are broke. Speaking specifically of the US Team, these are amateur athletes in a country built on millionaire professional athletes. Besides the men’s basketball team, there really are not many highly paid athletes amongst them. Most have made a lot of sacrifices and are more or less living off of donations or small sponsorship deals to get them through untold months/years of training to try and win a medal not only for themselves, but for our country. I wish that these athletes did get paid well. I wish they all did. It’s incredible what they can do and for most of them there is no “professional” avenue following Olympic glory and most of them won’t end up marrying a Kardashian like Bruce Jenner.

Although… imagine if they did! Sure, I’m secretly rooting for myself to some how be taken in by the Kardashian clan, but let’s say my spot is given to possible gold medal winning US men’s freestyle wrestler Jordan Burroughs of Camden, New Jersey… well, I would be cool with that. As long as I get regular status updates about how much fun they’re having. I don’t really watch any of the Kardashian shows, but I saw a couple episodes of “Khloe & Lamar” and minus all the staged drama, it looks like fun over there. So, if Jordan Burroughs takes my spot then I’m cool with that.

Back on topic, you should watch Jordan Burroughs wrestle this Olympics. As well as all the wrestlers. And judo players. And swimmers. And hurdlers and sky divers and big game hunters. I don’t know all the events, but I think some of those were real.

Also, I wrote about some of these Olympians for UFC.com, so check those out…

http://www.ufc.com/news/Will-an-MMA-Champ-Be-Born-on-The-Olympic-Wrestling-Mats-in-London-

That one is about Freestyle wrestling, which Burroughs is mentioned in. There is a second one about Greco-Roman wrestling already up as well too, which is linked in that link. And there should be a judo one being posted today and probably a boxing one up tomorrow.

3. WOMEN’S CAGEFIGHTING – INVICTA!

http://invictafc.com/

Starting at 6pm and probably going to midnight is INVICTA FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS. It is a new cagefighting/MMA organization solely for women fighters that started a couple months ago. They’re based out of Kansas City, Kansas and Saturday night will be their second show. The first show was great and the second show looks like it could be even great-er. To watch the fights, go to their website and watch them for FREE as they stream them for FREE. It’s really the best deal ever. FREE. FREE. FREE. I love MMA. I love women. I love women fighting MMA. No brainer on that one.

If you don’t believe me and want to see THE BESTEST HIGHLIGHT VIDEO EVER… then watch this highlight video of the first Invicta show done by E. Casey Leydon from MMAfighting.com…

Love it.

I think that’s all I have to say for this Friday following a random couple days.

I did see one piece of insight on WWTDD.com… he didn’t mention her getting eaten out. He said he thought the she was getting her boobs licked. That sounds more likely. Now that I type that out… it doesn’t sound that comforting. But whatever.

Have a great weekend.

If this picture is the only evidence that he went down on her then that is some crazy circumstantial shit mixed with a lot of over active imaginations reading into subtleties like they were breaking down spoilers for next week’s “Lost” episode…

This is all we got.

I mean it looks damning once you think about it or once a perverted mind thinks about it.

They’re in a car. A paparazzi photographer is taking pictures of them. The photographer sees the almighty affair happen in the sunlight of day. The photographer sells these lurid unholy pictures to US Weekly. The photographer is interviewed for the unsavory details. The photographer’s quote says they were kissing and yet…

NEVER MENTIONS CUNNILINGUS?!

We’re talking about curbside cunnilingus and not a single word is uttered about it? Curbside cunnilingus?! And the photographer is chincy with the deets on it? Sounds a little absurd to me.

OR

Can US Weekly not print stories about curbside cunnilingus or any cunnilingus? If that’s the case then we need to get the feminism too busy protesting Daniel Tosh to the offices of US Weekly and tell them that when a woman is having oral pleasures done to her in public and a paparazzi gets photographs of it that this is the 21st century and women have all the equal rights of men and should have said activity published in BIG BOLD print.

This is American, damn it! Freedom of speech and all that crap. If I’m going to fantasize about the sexual proclivities of celebrities, I want to know exactly what they’re up to or down for, if you know what I mean. If they’re just kissing in a car then they’re just kissing in a car, but if he’s kissing both sets of lips then that’s news damn it!

Maybe they have said that is what he’s doing. I only really keep up with what news is literally drowning my twitter timeline, so if Kristen Stewart issued a second apology about getting eaten out then I probably missed that. But before there is such apology, a picture of the two of them where his head is ducked down a little and no talk of muff diving from the one person who saw it with their own two eyes through a camera lens… well, I’m skeptical.

..

.

WHO AM I KIDDING?!

He got his head so deep in her pussy hole that he wore Kristen Stewart as a hat! He wasn’t hitting her G spot, he was licking her uterus! Two become one? It was like a scene out of the most outrageously X-rated episode of “Voltron”. She just snapped onto his head like the Pink Ranger’s pterodactyl dinozord when they would transform into that enormous robot that looked like it was copyright infringement on “Voltron”.

Whatever.

The Olympics have already started.

NFL training camps have started and Mike “60 minutes” Wallace of the Pittsburgh Steelers didn’t show up for training camp, which turns my stomach.

“The Watch” comes out tomorrow.

There are chicks cagefighting this weekend in Kansas City for Invicta Fighting Championships, which will be streamed free on their website.

I’ve got more things to worry about than whether some chick – no matter how much she wants IT – is boning one Brit or two.

 

I told you so…

July 25, 2012

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

By some accounts, she got IT.

From my biased perspective, how could he have resisted IT?

If its true, in my biased opinion, the worst thing he did was think that hour plus with the dwarves was necessary for any of us to see IT.

If its untrue, she still wants IT.

All kidding aside, WHO GIVES A FUCK?!

Honestly, I couldn’t care any less about these reports whether they’re real or not. Also, I couldn’t care less because the reports are FUCKING LAME.

What happened? She made out with the guy? MADE OUT WITH HIM?! Is this a Middle School dance? Are we hiding under bleachers and dancing the “electric slide” later? MADE OUT?! COME ON!

I’m a person of the internet. The internet! I spend my days and nights staring at the Matrix and it is some dark and devious shit that’s happening out there. It puts me eyeball to screen to a video camera somewhere else in the world where I can see some of the most horrible things ever and I’m supposed to be excited by “making out”. I was really expecting something a fuck ton worse than making out. I was expecting a leather bondage scene, a femdom CFNM BDSM SWATH director’s cut scene. THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO READ ABOUT!

Actually, it’s not. But it would’ve made me think the uproar was a little more justifiable. But whatever.

So what now?

I’m not saying I would be happy or non-emotional if my girlfriend made out with essentially a co-worker. I would still have to go punch that guy or key his car or break into his house and poop in his kitchen twice a week for two months. But it definitely could’ve been a fuck ton worse if the dude’s penis was involved. As far as I’ve read, the penis was not that involved.

They are two Brits. How do Brits settle disagreements? A duel? Do they still do duels? Not with pistols, of course. No one owns a gun in England. It would be like a slap boxing duel. Really just the big part of the duel where one slaps the other with a glove, but it continues for a long time. With some added coarse language. I guess that could be satisfying enough.

But the real plan should be a lot more psychopathic than that. If I were to suggest a real revenge scenario to him, it wouldn’t involve fighting or shitting in his house. The man is married with 2 kids and they don’t deserve shit in their kitchen. But something does deserve to happen to him though. The reality is no matter what revenge scenario he decides to go with, he’ll always have that image in his mind, he’ll have that image of her, he’ll always have that dissatisfaction knowing that he enjoyed kissing her, and maybe she’ll always have a positive image of him from that kiss they shared, so what he needs to do is destroy all of that by…

Rob needs to make out with Rupert.

BOOM!

FUCKING BOOM!

BOOM-A-LOOM! FUCKING BOOM-A-LOOM!

That would fuck with all their heads! Imagine that! IMAGINE THAT! Imagine how fucking amazing that would be. And, it would be really fan-service-y too. Imagine what a fucking hysterical pop culture hero Rob would be if he walked right up to Rupert in public and people were all watching thinking there was going to be a fight and then Rob – stinking of Jim Beam and cigarettes and English tea – walks right up to Rupert – who is all scared like there is going to be a fight with this hot head kid – and right as he gets within a stride of Rupert, Rob says…

“What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander” or “if you like her, you’ll love me”

Or something amazing like that and then BAM! HE FUCKING STICKS HIS TONGUE INTO HIS MOUTH AND RAPE KISSES THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! Oh my God that would be the greatest revenge scenario ever.

For Rob, like I said – nothing is really going to be satisfying. So, if he doesn’t enjoy kissing men then it’s just going to be another thing that isn’t satisfying. If he does enjoy kissing men, then it’s not an issue. Either way, the dude is a dude actor and dude actors have to kiss other dude actors sometimes. It’s not a crazy stretch.

For Rupert, he just got rape kissed. BOOM! Take that motherfucker! Again, if he doesn’t like kissing men then that was a rough stubbly, bourbon/cigs/tea tasting, angry rape kiss that he just endured. If he does enjoy kissing men, BAM then Rob could have really effectively ended that guy’s marriage and turned his world upside down now having to admit he’s living a bi-curious if not completely gay lifestyle. Either way, it would fuck with the dude’s head to no end. It would be ultra difficult to separate the pleasant experience of kissing Kristen to the not so pleasant experience of being tongue fucked by Rob. It’s as if Rob’s tongue is a time traveler and kills Kristen’s tongue before its even born and then meets Rupert’s tongue at the original date of kissing thus changing the future forever.

At the same time, if Rob did this, his fans would be fans FOR LIFE. I’m not talking about 5 years from now when you all forget about “Twilight”. I’m talking about FOREVER. That clip of him kissing the other dude would be played in hysterical youtube fashion from now until eternity. And what would Rob need to say to explain to the world why he did it, “If he’s going to kiss my girlfriend, he’s got to kiss me too.” Or just, “to fuck with him”. No matter what, it would be a phenomenal. Also, I’m pretty fucking sure that Kristen’s reaction could never be to really be mad at him. He didn’t turn into some barbarian who went out and punched the guy like some unintelligent caveman or do the whole shitting in the house thing, which reeks of serial killer-dom. But he kissed the guy in a devious and thought provoking psychological attack that is also fucking hilarious. In time, she would think it was the funniest thing ever I would imagine. Plus chicks nowadays really love seeing dudes kiss each other, so there’s that.

That’s my advice.

That’s my advice for Robert Pattinson. KISS THAT DUDE! Like mean. Kiss him like you’re Natasha Henstridge in “Species 2” in the hot tub when her tongue blows out the back of the guys skull. Oh, and get your hands on his face. Get your stinky cigarette fingers on his face and when you pull back from kissing him, let one or two fingers linger on his bottom lip for a moment. That will fuck with him forever. If he’s not gay or bi, he will honestly spend the next week tasting your mouth and will obsessively be trying to wash it out like he’s Lady Macbeth.

Do it for yourself. Do it for your slash loving fans. Do it for Kristen Stewart because we all know she wants IT.

I’m talking to you, Rob. Kiss him.

You’re welcome.

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo… gentlemen and ladies who apparently do not specifically need to be gentle.

Today, I will start the painstaking process of previewing movies for the month of August. A series of movies that most will not see nor hear about nor ever know about. Yes, in fact, August’s movies are quite varied in not only their storylines, but their overall appeal of whether any single human being would ever want to sit through them. It’s far from a discussion of “bad or good” and more so a discussion on “why at all”. It will be more clear when we begin examining the movies one at a time, but do not get your hopes up. Basically, there is one movie that looks good this month – top to bottom, left to right, in and out, ass to elbows, junk in the trunk – and that’s the political comedy thriller “The Campaign” starring Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis.

The rest of the month is as undesirable as a naked Philip Seymour Hoffman freshly steamed pink from a sauna and then covered in pickles.

Movies?

360

Shrugs. At this point, this movie makes me shrug. A few years ago, it would’ve raised an eye brow or possibly two, but now it’s only a shrug. From the director that once – a long long long time ago – brought you “City of God” and “The Constant Gardener” brings you a movie that would’ve been more suitable to come out when everyone was making movies about ensemble casts and their intersecting lives that people are mildly curious about. Sure, that’s Jude Law and that’s Anthony Hopkins and that’s Rachel Weisz and, honestly who cares, but that’s Ben Foster. They’re famous at least 3 out of 4, but they’ve made tons of bad movies and this looks like another one or more so one that you would only watch when you’re looking for movies OnDemand and you must watch a new movie. Even the plot summary doesn’t care enough to talk about the movie… Inspired by Arthur Schnitzler’s classic La Ronde, screenwriter Peter Morgan and director Fernando Meirelles’ 360 combines a modern and dynamic roundelay of stories into one, linking characters from different cities and countries in a vivid, suspenseful and deeply moving tale of love in the 21st century. Starting in Vienna, the film beautifully weaves through Paris, London, Bratislava, Rio, Denver and Phoenix into a single, mesmerizing narrative. It’s a movie about love in the 21st century and it’s shot in Paris and Phoenix, which I suppose is the Paris of Arizona? I’m going to tell you something… none of those people in the poster look like they’re in “love in the 21st century”, so whatever the movie is about most suck because no one is telling us shit. It doesn’t matter anyway because only 12 people will see this movie.

CELESTE AND JESSE FOREVER

Yeah… no. I find it more likely that a scientist who studies lizards would one day being backed into a corner and use himself as a test subject for a crossmutation between lizards and humans serum that would turn said scientist into a 9 foot tall lizard that rampages New York City in an effort to turn all of Manhattan’s inhabitants into fellow 9 foot tall lizards… THAN… Rashida Jones falling in love with Andy Samberg. … BUT… I guess that’s why they call it “acting”, AM I RIGHT?! Woooo! Burn sauce all over Samberg’s stupid face! Pick a face guy! You can’t have a Kirk Douglas dimpled chin, a Julia Roberts’ shark mouth, Pacino’s honking nose, Will Smith’s ears, and my hair when I wake up in the morning after head wrestling my comforter. Pick a face! Anyway…

I hope this movie is good because Rashida Jones is a beautiful angel woman of talent and pretty faceness and she wrote it. But at the same time, it looks like well tread territory and physically looks like it was shot over a weekend with all their famous hip friends playing the side characters. Hey, Elijah Wood, are you busy on Tuesday? No?! Great. Would you be cool running some lines? You would?! Great. It’s for a movie that we’re going to be taping and you’re not going to get paid for it.

Oh right. The story is the Rashida and Andy are best friends who then almost get married or do get married and now are separating, but they’re going to try and remain best friends, but then of course Samberg moves on to another girl and Rashida’s world is a tailspin wondering if she made the biggest mistake leaving Andy Samberg. Oh yeah, and hilarity ensues. Let me answer this conundrum for you Rashida as if I was a young lady… YOU CAN DO TOTES BETTER THAN ANDY “HAM”BERG!

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID: DOG DAYS

Since I started doing these monthly preview posts, I have preview THREE of these “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” movies. THREE! Are people even seeing these movies? Are they even coming out in the theaters to be seen? Do they directly get delivered into the mail of young parents who have wimpy kids? Whatever amount of money they spent on making the at least three movies for this series was probably enough to correct the school system budget problems for any major US State and it’s neighboring states. Think about that. THINK ABOUT IT! “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” may allow your stupid child to laugh for an hour, but your stupid child will remain stupid forever because the American education system is crumbling because people would rather invest their money into these movies than into making your stupid child not stupid anymore. Now, who is the real enemy of this world?

TOTAL RECALL

Why? Honestly, why? I couldn’t possibly imagine seeing this movie ever. Why on Earth would you want to see this movie? If you liked the original “Total Recall” with Arnold Schwarzenegger then why would you go see a retelling of the exact same movie 20 some odd years later with Colin Ferrell replacing Arnold? Who does that appeal to in the least? Honestly. Think about that for 8 seconds. Does that make sense at all? OR … if you didn’t like “Total Recall” featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger, why would you go see a retelling of the exact same movie 20 some odd years later with Colin Ferrell replacing Arnold? Why? I’d love to know why people would go see this movie. The only reason I can think of is “just because” then that’s a stupid reason to make a movie and spend the money and so on and so forth. It looks nearly identical to the last movie and some scenes look almost shot for shot except for Colin instead of Arnold. As far as telling the story any differently… well, who cares. The storyline of “Total Recall” leaves it a little murky as to what is real if anything is or not, but it doesn’t matter. You’re not emotionally invested in whether it is actually real or not like in “Abre Los Ojos/Vanilla Sky”. In that movie, what happens at the end makes a great difference – lives or dies. In “Total Recall”, that’s not the point. Also, “Total Recall” was not a movie where special effects were so dated they couldn’t pull off stunts or scenes. It looks completely fine.

If you see “Total Recall” then know you are paying to see a movie that you could’ve watched at home with a better cast and was originally done 20 years earlier and you’ll feel a thousand times less dirty about feeding these sham remaking Hollywood asshats.

2 DAYS IN NEW YORK

I kind of want to see this. First off, it might not even get a wide enough release to make that happen, but who knows – Chris Rock used to be really famous. The movie itself is about Chris Rock being the boyfriend of the blonde, late 1960’s French looking Julie Delpy. I like Julie and I like Chris – as a comedian and man, not so much as an actor – and the idea of the movie is that hilarity ensues when her family comes to visit New York and meets Chris Rock for the first time. I’m sure it ensues, ever so slightly. But it could be good. It could also be wildly passable. Passable in every which way where you’re not angry about having watched it, but you wouldn’t recommend it to anyone and three weeks later you’ll forgot you even saw the movie and three months after that when it’s on Netflix you’ll read the summary for the movie as if it was a new movie you never heard of and suddenly it hits you that you have in fact seen it and you feel like a big bone head, so you search in vain for episodes of “Wipeout”, but there are none and you end up watching another 10 episodes of “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives” and you think to yourself, “I’ve wasted the greatest gift – life”.

Or the movie could be a good rom com, am I right?

THE BOURNE LEGACY

I couldn’t be less interested in seeing this movie. Well, if they told me that they were killing puppies on set in between takes for fun then I would be less interested, but outside of the cast of “The Bourne Legacy” thrilling killing puppies – I’m pretty uninterested in ever seeing this movie ever. The Bourne Franchise in general is pretty bleh in my opinion. The first movie was ok for what it was and the second movie was less of it and the third movie was probably the best version of the first movie and was the end of the trilogy. Now, here we have Jeremy Renner “reviving” a franchise or “continuing” a franchise by basically remaking the third movie with himself as the lead and Matt Damon’s character somewhere in the ether. This movie is supposed to be concurrent with the third movie, so that doesn’t help in it looking identical to it plus IT LOOKS IDENTICAL TO IT. I did see the Bourne movies and I could never see any of them again for as long as I live and I would actually be happy about that, but even if that wasn’t the case – why would you want Jeremy Renner to remake them only a couple years after that trilogy happened?

Look at it this way, if the Hollywood production companies out there couldn’t convince Matt Damon to make more of these movies for MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, why would I want to spend my money on seeing it?

THE CAMPAIGN

Yes.

On August 10th, you will get a good movie. A funny movie and a good movie. Thank you.

I don’t really know what to say about this movie because everything about it looks perfect. You have two of the best comedic actors playing opposite each other and competing against each other in a who is more ridiculous contest while at the same time it being incredibly apropos to make a movie about the ridiculousness of political races in a year that has already been filled with a bunch and will continue to be until November. So, it’s perfect.

I’m excited. You should be excited. I’m excited about the possibility of you being excited. And the possibility that you’re excited because I’m excited about you being excited just makes me that much more excited. I’m excited.

I like laughing. How about you? Go see “The Campaign”.

Part 2 of these August movies will be up tomorrow… there’s probably going to be a part 3 as well.

You’ve been forewarned.

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