“Brave” was gayer than 6 guys blowing 7 guys… but for chicks

July 2, 2012


I am posting from my phone because I’ll be driving when I normally post.

I saw “Brave” and it was totally the gayest lesbian orgy rave of K.D. Lang and Subaru Outbacks that everyone has been saying. I mean just look at all the clues Pixar gave us, the brilliant movie watchers we are, pointing to the main character being a complete lesbo…

1. Scottish – all lesbian island
2. Uses a bow and arrow, which we all know is a metaphor for cunnilingus.
3. Horses – lesbian’s chief mode of transportation before the development of the Subaru Outback
4. That part in the movie when the milk maid with the giant cleavage of utters puts the key down her dress and the Princess tells her younger brothers to get it from her because she totally was like “rip open that dress so I can see me some titties. Big ole’ titties!” In a scottish accent of course.

There are a million more instances in this children’s movie where the movie is basically just yelling at you I LOVE WET VAGINAS and I think that’s why 3 kids were crying during the movie because it got so political and that was upsetting.

All in all, the movie wasn’t what I was expecting – bear transformations and chicks licking vajayjays – but I liked it.

“Magic Mike” did really great this weekend with $39 million.

Did you see it?! Tell me your thoughts!

I do know or think I know I was right that there was more female nudity to male nudity and way more storyline than the average hornball chick/dude wanted.

And… “Ted”? I’m ashamed of all of you.

Peace in the Middle East and tiddly-winks in your B hole,


6 Responses to ““Brave” was gayer than 6 guys blowing 7 guys… but for chicks”

  1. PWG said

    I didn’t see Brave, but I did send my husband and boys off to see it without me. Oddly, none of them mentioned the Sapphic overtones, but maybe that’s just because they’re so indoctrinated by living next to Boulder with a goddamned hippie of a mother that they don’t even notice lesbians anymore.

    I didn’t see Magic Mike either, because I’m not the kind of woman who ogles and objectifies- . . . ha ha ha, no. My “the kind of girl you go see hot undressed men movies with” friend is out of town, that’s all.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Did they see it in 3D or 2D? Because in 3D with everything coming at your face like you’re on the wrong end of a gloryhole, it’s hard to see the subtleties of the lesbian storyline.

  2. PWG said

    If bows and arrows are metaphors for cunnilingus, I’m going to have to rethink The Hunger Games again.

    My autocorrect tried to change “metaphors for” to “asshone tapers.”

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      “My autocorrect tried to change “metaphors for” to “asshone tapers.”” – if that isn’t a metaphor than I don’t know what is.

    • I’ve missed you.

      (Also, WordPress just told me I was posting too many comments too quickly and literally said I had to slow down. Just like the good ol’ days.)

  3. Brave made me cry, too. At first I thought it was all the pretty scenery and the music and the mother/daughter drama, but it was probably all the gross lesbian stuff that did me in.

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