KSWI Presents: BEN REININGA Did My Job For Me – Thank you, Ben!

July 3, 2012

Hello, hello, hello, hell-ooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

It is I assume Tuesday and the bulk of your reading today will not be of my own. No, it won’t.

In fact, another man – an internet man, an blogger man, an blogman! – wrote two posts for the website Nerve that I read last evening that had me in tears. TEARS! Do you know how long it has been since I’ve cried? Do you know how long it has been since I felt the salt wetness of emotions on my lower eyelids? It’s been a week or two at least since I stubbed my toe and probably broke it, so maybe then. I don’t know. Before that? Probably when I saw Aziz Ansari in June. I was crying then. Crying from laughter. Laughter, my friends. Anyway…

I IMPLORE YOU!

READ THESE ARTICLES!

BEN’S ARTICLES!

READ ‘EM GOOD! READ ‘EM LONG!

READ ‘EM WITH YO’ LOVER!

READ ‘EM WITH YO’ EX’S GRANDMOTHER!

JUST READ THEM!

The first…

http://www.nerve.com/advice/ridiculous-tips/the-best-of-ridiculous-tips-for-a-miserable-sex-life-emcosmopolitan-em-edition

Ben, apparently does this quite often, culls the pages of your favorite impulse purchase lady magazines for their surprisingly horrible sex tips. If you don’t believe me, read the first couple where they’re trying to get you to smack your man’s penis like a “volleyball”. Literally, what they say. They use the term “volleyball”. They want you to hit his penis! Like a volleyball! This is terrible advice and really random and has helped me ascertain one bit of information for those single men out there – DON’T DATE ANYONE WRITING SEX ADVICE FOR COSMO!

Yeah, the article focuses on Cosmo, but if you find this interesting/funny then Ben or at the very least Nerve seems to do this basically every month culling these retarded ideas. So… this article is for the women of the world that like a good cock and how you’re supposed to please the man attached to it.

On the other hand…

The second article…

http://www.nerve.com/advice/ridiculous-tips/the-36-most-ridiculous-sex-tips-from-emmens-health-em-and-emmaxim-em

This one is a doozy. These are tips for men from men about apprehending a woman to touch your penis and then some other helpful asides afterward. This one made me laugh even harder. I had to take a couple breaks while reading this article because I was laughing too hard – like worried about pulling a latent abdominal muscle. First and foremost, I’ve read maybe one article in my life from Men’s Health which my particularly unGodly like physique can attest too and also my non-date-rapist-y approach to talking to women can attest to. I never could have imagined how A-type insane Men’s Health’s articles were written about this subject. If I was a cop, I would make anyone with dreads get a pat down because they’ve got weed on them and I would put a plain clothes cop following each writer from Men’s Health to any bars because they’re probably doing something illegal or at least creepy enough to get arrested for.

Both articles are filled to the brim with horrendous advice.

Cosmo’s comes across as an energetic and helpful, but completely deranged and clueless sexual partner who thinks “50 Shades of Grey” is a how-to and not a work of fiction. More to the point, I picture Ellie Kemper from that College Humor video about giving blowjobs – flattening them out, using a lot of teeth, sandpaper tongue – or I picture Kristen Schaal’s voice reading these very excitably, but with a hint of death and danger at the end of each.

Men’s Health has a phenomenal amount of idiotic pseudo science that wouldn’t even work in a controlled setting let alone in the world where you’re interacting with people randomly and things distract you from your studying of these creatures known as women. The first tip is to count how much a chick blinks to gauge if she blinks more than an average girl and if she does then you know she’s on birth control. Are you kidding me? There are a million ways that is creepy and wildly unscientific. Maybe a chick blinks more when she’s scared to death of a random guy who is staring daggers into her eyes because he’s counting how many blinks she makes per minute to figure out a percentage against other chick blinkers.

I picture Zapp Brannigan from “Futurama” reading these Men’s Health lines in my head.

PLEASE READ BEN’S FUNNY ARTICLES!

As for myself, I couldn’t possibly remember half of that stuff even if it worked or remember that I’m supposed to use it at a bar like I’m wrestling alligators. I read once that when a guy shakes a girl’s hand that as the guy you’re supposed to keep holding her hand until she pulls away. If she pulls away immediately then she’s not instinctually attracted to you, but if she lets her hand stay for awhile then she is. Seriously? I don’t even know how often I’m shaking hands of women out there, but to remember to hold onto each one to get a proper gauge of what is fast and what is slow and also do this without coming across as a complete creep. Plus, 9 times out of 10, who says I even remember to do that in the heat of the moment when I’m supposed to. Remember, hold her hand forever. Then I guess after that I’m supposed to start counting your blinks and then seemingly try to get you to ingest my saliva in some way because that’s about 60% of the tips.

All these Men’s Health tips to pick-up chicks sound like advice from a serial killer. The Cosmo tips sound like they are drawn from the minds of women who have only had one night stand style sex because the guy was utterly creeped out and at some point miraculously got himself off after 57 minutes of her treating his penis like it’s an alien object with unidentified purpose. Maybe I lick it or smack it or swivel it in my hands or eat off of it or constrain it or bite it… Lady, it’s a penis. Up and down until it explodes.

What else?

I wrote more than I expected.

Tonight is my big TV night. Tosh.0 and Workaholics. It’s about the only things I watch anymore.

“Spider-Man” opens today. It’s at 75% right now on RottenTomatoes.com. When the reboot was first announced, they said the movie would be younger, darker, and more like “Twilight”. Apparently, they achieved this by making it younger, darker, and more like “Twilight”. WOWZERS. Basically, the movie is supposedly more about Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone having talks than anything else. “Sweet” – said no one. And! At it’s heart, this movie is another phenomenally expensive and drawn out origin story setting up for a sequel where a bad guy actually does something. But as many know, the sequel is of course the one where the superhero is ready to give up being the superhero and we’re ready for him too and the bad guy is running amok chewing up scenery. Should be very fun to see a more mopey Andrew Garfield and even more over the top villain than a giant lizard in a couple years. Oh movies, you’re are so terribly predictably terrible.

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4 Responses to “KSWI Presents: BEN REININGA Did My Job For Me – Thank you, Ben!”

  1. Kim said

    Thx for sharing — these posts were HILARIOUS!

  2. PWG said

    I can’t tell you what a bad idea it was to read this at work. My new boss thinks I’m full-on mentally handicapped now based on the expressions I’m making while trying not to laugh out loud.

    I’m going to sprinkle the phrase “chew a small piece of mango” into my conversations for the rest of the afternoon until I wet my goddamn pants. I’m imagining going home and telling my husband that “Honey, this mango and I are going to give you head.” Wouldn’t that feel weirdly like part of the blowjob-giver’s tongue had fallen off? Or they’d lost a retainer? I think I could give my husband a vanilla, boring, no-frills blowjob every day for the rest of our married lives and it would never once occur to him to think, “Hm. Needs more mango.”

  3. nixhaw said

    I need to brush up on my nipple painting skills. Artistic AND sexy! Who knew?

    Also, “The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt — at least for mice.”
    (Dies from laughing)

  4. Be rougher with his penis and no surprise blowjobs. Got it. Thanks, Cosmo!

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