ESPYS RED CARPET EXTRAVAGANZA OF PHOTOS AND WITTOS!

July 12, 2012

Hola, buenas dias.

I am back… back at like 75% or maybe 70%, but majorly better than yesterday. I would say I was below 50% yesterday. What are these percentages of? I really don’t know, but the real details of how I know I feel slightly better than yesterday are a conversation reserved for never having ever with anyone in public of any sort. It’s the kind that you even wince at when you’re talking to your doctor. Uh huh, and what is the consistency like? Just because you’ve spent many years to become a doctor doesn’t mean I’ve spent many years becoming comfortable explaining every nuance of the vile poo that is ejecting itself at high rates out of my butthole. So, thank you. Let’s just say, I’m at 60% and you need to get me back to 80 or above and I’ll handle the rest with a level of decorum.

Hmmmm…

FIGHTS! and ESPYS!

Last night, due to the magic of technology and my ever pronounced ADD, I watched TWO television programs at ONCE. On the actual TV, I watched the UFC Fight Night which was on Fuel TV and was thoroughly entertaining. Crazy how a $60 PPV on Saturday night can be luke warm at best and a free card of fights on Wednesday can be amazing. It’s why I have to watch every single one of them. Specifically, the main event was all sorts of eye-opening as Hofstra University alum Chris Weidman solidified his place in the middleweight division with one of the most calculating and one-sided wins over an extremely tough opponent (Mark Munoz) that I’ve ever seen. Weidman’s been in the UFC for a little over a year, has won 5 fights, 3 were stoppages, 2 were taken on less than 2 weeks notice, and the guy looked absolutely incredible last night. Incredible.

At the same time, I had the ESPYs streaming live on my computer. ESPN is kind of enough to allow streaming content of everything they do including live television with their “Watch ESPN” (cleverly titled) app. They had the awards show streaming on their website as well and I watched it while watching the fights. Rob Riggle was the host and he absolutely NAILED IT. I was laughing out loud during almost any of his bits and especially his opening monologue. Very good stuff. Very good choice as host.

Today… yes today… I will slightly ridicule or promote the people who did attend the ESPYs by talking some smack about their red carpet pictures.

ESPYS! RED CARPET! BUCKETS OF SASS!

Seems about right.

That’s Brian Wilson who I believe is still a professional baseball player. He is, right? Lord if I know. I haven’t heard a thing or read a thing about him doing anything as a ball player in a long time, but him as a wildly likeable crazy celeb personality is where I have seen him. For instance, Wilson with trademark beard and, of course, Sasquatch. Also, you could tweet Wilson a question to ask Sasquatch and he would ask him/her/it.

The more I look at Wilson, the more I see CM Punk. Are they the same guy? Have they been seen together? Either way, in this season of baseball where a billion year old knuckleballer is ruling the roost and the best pitcher in baseball is nailing Kate Upton – maybe it’s time Wilson develops a new schtick because he’s kind of getting lost in the shuffle. I say give him a talk show! He interviews guests then he pitches to them and if two guests in a night get a hit off of him or he walks them then his show gets cancelled.

I wish this was what every picture looked like forever. I wish there was a way that every jpeg/gif/or whatever we call actually seeing things in life (reality?) just looked like this shot of Olivia Munn and Hayden Penattiere. Holy Jehova, this two ladies are attractive. Also, I don’t know what’s going on with their heights, but they look pretty similar in size, which is crazy because I expected Olivia to be a lot taller than Hayden because she’s like the tiniest human who at the same time looks completely proportional.

Either way, these two are incredible looking. I have two thoughts about that because they are so hot…

1. Besides this picture, the most recent Olivia Munn picture I saw was her topless in “Magic Mike” and the most recent picture of Hayden was her in that sea foam green bikini from last week. So, they’re batting 1000 in life right now. Keep it up, ladies. And by up, I mean every heterosexual males whackadoodle because well done.

2. Do you know what’s really fucking up society? The fact that it takes 9 months to gestate and then deliver a human baby and in that process it can be Earth shattering for everyone involved. If it wasn’t the case then we would really have a super race of great looking freak athletes more so than we do now. I mean Maria Sharapova is already gorgeous and one of the best tennis players and like 6’2″, but if we could just get all the ESPY winners to mate with the other ESPY winners and these hot as celebrities/actors that are there just for their looks and ability to read cue cards while sounding serious – looking at you Rob Lowe – then we would have a demi-God like race of super humans that would be so bad ass and gorgeous looking I’m sure they could end war throughout this planet. Remember the stories (true or not) of the Incas/Mayans/whoever seeing Cortez’s soldiers come into Mexico and they were just blown away by the gold, the horses, the weaponry, and they thought they were Gods and bowed down before them before they got slaughtered? Well, it would be like that.

Stupid pregnancy.

Seriously though, someone should freeze Rashida Jones’ eggs. If that chick isn’t going to have kids then someone else should have them for her. Are you kidding me? No one is going to have Rashida Jones’ genes in the future?!

That hand single means they Eiffel towered Mila Kunis in the dressing room. I think. I hope. I pray.

That’s Nas, artist/poet/rapper/wearing of sunglasses indoors, and the white is Canadian Steve Nash who now plays for the professional basketball team the Los Angeles Lakers. If you didn’t know Canadians were good at professional basketball, then now you know. Good for you, Canada.

Part-time Nascar driver, full-time Go Daddy naked commercial person – Danica Patrick!

What is going on with this dress? It appears Danica has a set of pointy hips which one could hang bagels on it. You could seriously slash a person’s tire with those points. Don’t get any ideas, Danica.

If Steve Nash had sex with Carrot Top then it would be DISGUSTING. But, Shawn White’s kind of what the demon baby of that sodomy would look like. I forget who he is nailing, but whoever it is it pisses me off. Damn it. He’s supposedly tattooing some brutally attractive super model with no doubt the gingeriest pecker you’ve ever seen. Mr. White is absolutely incredible at what he does and that’s getting paid handsomely for two sports that I would have never guessed there was any money in – skateboarding and snowboarding. The guy is a multi multi millionaire and it’s based on soft drinks sponsoring him to do twirlys in a halfpipe either on concrete or the snow and it baffles me every time I think about it. I watch”ed” the X-Games, but who still watch”es” them? Who would’ve guessed riding on a skateboard would eventually make a person a 1% er? I wouldn’t have. But keep that hustle strong, “Flying Tomato” or whatever.

That’s Zooey Deschanel even if it doesn’t completely look like her. It seems like our fascination with this lady is kind of over or at least has been strained by her mass acceptance followed by an iPhone commercial that makes me want to kill my iPhone. Either way, is Zooey too much of a hipster that she shouldn’t be at the ESPYs or is she so much of a hipster that she’s gone full circle and can like sports, but only esoteric teams or even more esoteric time periods? Yeah, I watch baseball, but I really don’t root for the Mets as much as I root for the Mets from my childhood when Howard Johnson was the best player they had and everyone just liked saying “HoJo”. Just say it. Outloud! HoJo! It’s fun. It makes you happy.

I haven’t watched a single second of “New Girl” as if I’m Gandhi hunger striking England’s reign over India. I refuse to watch that show in sort of silent protest. HAPPY ENDINGS, FOREVER!

FUCK YEAH! That’s America, baby! WOOOOO!!! Those are two gold medal winning Olympic athletes right there who also put the wood to a Kardashian lady. Love it. I wish I could get into that family. I don’t know how people look at that family with cynicism. It looks like the fucking greatest time ever. Just hanging out in bikinis by the pool or opening restaurants and fashion lines. And now Kanye West is in the mix! Whoever marries one of those two Jenner girls is going to be a lucky human. First off, those chicks have been hot since they were 14 and whenever they become legal I’m sure they’ll be even better looking because look at the rest of that great looking family – Brody Jenner as a chick, yes please. Plus, you get to hang out with Lamar, Kanye, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, even Rob doesn’t seem that bad, BRUCE, and well it keeps going. And best of all… Kris will probably figure out how you can get your own TV show because the woman is a damn business genius. Top ten favorite families in the world.

Sharapova! Seriously, let’s get a govermentally financed science project going where Sharapova donates us her eggs and then we breed them with the sperm of another gorgeous giant and in 30 years I’m sure we’ll have created the Avengers/Justice League.

Drew Brees is a wonderful man. Look at him doing some charity and bringing a homeless cowboy drifter from Louisiana to the ESPYs. Oh wait, what? That guy’s a multi millionaire recording artist singing the same pop country nonsense Billy Ray sang almost 30 years ago? FML. Fair enough. By the way, the New Orleans Saints are absolutely fucked if they don’t fix this Brees contract problem this fucking minute.

I love being alive! A 7 foot tall, 19 year old, with a unibrow is the most sought after young talent in the NBA! Well done, Anthony Davis. Well fucking done. Human beings are wonderful.

Tim Tebow is supreme being that I have zero bad words to say about.

Jimmie Johnson looks like Colin Farrell if the hair on top of his head decided to flank his face and take it over from his chin and cheeks.

Brandi Chastain! Great woman. And sadly I wonder how many pervert photographers or reporters or dudes have asked her to take off her shirt to reenact that goal scoring celebration? Like a million. And they don’t want to see her reenact that wonderful moment. They just want to see her boobs. And really who is to blame here? Women for having wonderful boobs that we want to see or the men asking to see them? It’s a simple no followed by a restraining order. It’s no big deal, right?

Is someone stealing Joel McHale’s food? Is Joel McHale anorexic? Do we need to have an after school special on next season’s “Community” to make sure Joel is eating properly? Or is Joel getting swept up in Olympic fever and not eating because he’s hoping for a shot at the girls gymnastics team? He’s an alternate!

No idea. They play baseball apparently. Good for them. I’m sure that is working out well for them.

I love Connie Britton. She is what all MILF porn should look like. That’s a compliment, a high compliment.

Anyway, she’s a great looking woman and she’s on all these TV shows I wouldn’t watch with a gun to my head. BE IN SOMETHING I CAN SEE! Actually, who cares. I get distracted by actresses that are too good looking in my opinion. I do. I have a hard time focusing on what the point of the movie is or TV show. It’s like, “stop what you’re doing and just become a super model!” That’s a paraphrased Jim Gaffigan joke about Halle Berry in “Monsters Ball” and I completely agree and understand him. I understand him through our shared telekinetic powers through our paleness. His paleness speaks to mine. What was I talking about? Connie Britton’s hot.

Gangster. Eli Manning is fucking gangster. Don’t fuck with this guy. He may look like Peyton’s goofy younger brother forever, but the dude wins Super Bowls. Nothing is more gangster than a Super Bowl ring. If I was in a post apocalyptic situation where I had to listen to the advice of Eli Manning or a smarty scientist about how to save the human race from whatever zombie/alien/demon catastrophe we were in – I’d listen to the man with 2 Super Bowl rings because science happens in a lab and Super Bowls happen in real life. BOOM! I’m also crazy.

Did Ladainian Tomlinson retire from the NFL to star in a biopic about D.L. Hughley’s life shortly after the success of “The Kings of Comedy” tour? If so, good move. He looks perfect!

FREEZE HER EGGS! While you’re getting Sharapova’s, snatch up Jennie Finch and get hers as well. Seriously, the future us will thank the current me.

If this isn’t the goofiest looking brother I’ve ever seen, but I fucking love Swizz Beatz. This dude has sex with Alicia Keys. He married her! That’s CRAZY. I’m not saying there was an official watch list of who would be lucky enough to lock down Alicia Keys, but there had to be an unofficial one going on in peoples collective subconscious. She’s been famous for awhile. Been famous for having a melodious voice that sends chills down one’s spine, playing the piano, and be gorgeous. So, it’s kind of like – who is the lucky fuck who gets this broad? Man or woman. And this dude, with the chicken legs, the backpack, the white shirt untucked and buttoned up to his throat, and looking more or less like a grown 13 year old at a middle school dance… he got Alicia Keys. Made her say “I do” in a church in front of Jesus and everything. I admire this man.

Remember us?!

I do. I most certainly do. I couldn’t be more surprised that they don’t have a reality TV show on A&E or CMT or whatever TV stations do that nonsense. But I bet there will be one in the near future. I would bet a million bajillion dollars that Kurt and Brenda Warner have had the talk with TV executives and with their kids about them possibly having their own reality TV show like Snoop Dogg, the Kardashians, Ice T & Coco, and all the rest. I’d watch an episode.

Remember me?

Sadly I do. I know entirely too much for my liking about Bode Miller. Fuck Bode Miller. Fuck all the brain space he has taken up. I can damn near picture every inch of his childhood home with the stupid river/creek he played in as a kid while his hippie parents weren’t watching and didn’t give a shit, which bred a recklessness in him that led him to be a downhill skier who also doesn’t give a fuck about the rules of the sport in which he participates in and has screwed up on the global stage far too often in.

Screw you, pal!

If I could do that mind erasing device in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, there would be a session about erasing Bode Miller from my memory.

Soak it in, Cody. Because these 15 minutes are disappearing quite fast.

These HD cameras are no friend to Wilmer Valderrama. Oof, he looks ba… oh it’s not him. It’s a horse jockey! Great! He looks great for a horse jockey. Aren’t all horse jockeys known as drunk pill heads? So he looks great for that. Really great for a possible recovering drunk pill head.

It’s Pat Summit and Shawn White! Err… I mean Pat Summit and her son Tyler. Is Shawn White her other son? Anyway, Pat Summit looks a little pissed in this picture. Like Yahoo’s photographers could be better practiced and have a better rotation for covering these festivities. Pat sees a lot of holes in their game which her Lady Vols could expose. Just saying. Once a coach, always a coach.

Fuck basketball and just make Jeremy Linn the US’ ambassador to every Asian country that will accept him. Seriously. The dude went to Harvard! It’s not like he’s undereducated for the position. He’s actually completely overeducated. Have you seen some of the people we have as ambassadors? They’re the randomest. Anyway, Jeremy Linn is an inspirational figure that would could bridge the US’s relationship between all Asian countries with like 30 pick-up basketball games overseas. Dude is wearing a bow tie and he’s a master of gratuitous handshakes. They would love him over there, anywhere. Or he could just play basketball and make millions of dollars. That’s a pretty sweet deal too.

Bad man, right here. Bad man. He looks friendly, but Ray Edwards is a monster. A monster. I love him. Oh, he plays professional football for the Atlanta Falcons. Anyway, he’s a monster!

If this is what skiing looks like then I need to watch more skiing.

If this is what snowboarding looks like then I need to watch more snowboarding.

Ahmad Bradshaw may look happy here, but on the football field the man runs with the fury of a thousand Suns. I love watching him run the football. So angry. So so angry. Looks like a nice guy, but so angry.

Dr. J. I own a t-shirt with his likeness on it. I’m such a fan of this gentleman I would probably take actual medical advice from him. Financial advice? Nope. Medical? Sure. He’s a doctor – not an accountant.

Looking good, Cheryl.

That’s really all I have to say.

Looking good.

Eddie George. Dude was a beast. And nowadays, I know someone who has done yoga with him. No joke. Do what you will with that information. It just makes me smile.

This lady had sex with Simon Cowell. Woo! Good for her, I guess. Someone’s got to, right? I wouldn’t. Not that anyone was asking especially Simon, but I’m just throwing that out there while we’re on the subject. But she did probably several times like at least half a dozen times, so that worked out. Congratulations I guess.

Lastly…

This guy!

Who the fuck is this guy? I have no clue. Sure I could read who it is because Yahoo provides those trivial details, but just looking at him – I have no fucking clue who he is. And I don’t care to either. Is he a racecar driver? Could be. No one really knows what those people look like anyway. If he is or isn’t a racecar driver, if I were him I would say I was. How would anyone know the difference? He’s at the ESPYs for one. For two, he kind of looks foreign and who knows what foreign people do. Foreign people can do anything! They can. Have you ever listened to a foreign person’s story? It’s usually insane! Like they were a brain surgeon in whatever country they came from and now they run a taco stand in Manhattan. They can do anything! He could serve me a taco and just in case an embolism bursts in my fucking head – he could save my life. So, just say you’re a racecar driver to any of the chicks in the event except for point hips Danica Patrick and you’ll probably have a 85% chance of nailing them at an afterparty.

Good luck, dude.

4 Responses to “ESPYS RED CARPET EXTRAVAGANZA OF PHOTOS AND WITTOS!”

  1. PWG said

    Didn’t Tebow win an ESPY last night for that play against the Steelers? Boycott!

  2. Hopie Dopie said

    Last guy is Tony Dovolani – he’s a professional on Dancing with the Stars.

  3. Joel McHale was a doughy pale dude (with thinning hair) just a few short years ago and now he looks like he’s morphing into the skinny orange love child of Fire Marshall Bill and Ryan Seacrest. Someone needs to stage an intervention before it’s too late! He can keep the hair though. I am sure whatever treatment they give to actors with thinning hair (I am looking at you, Jude Law) isn’t cheap.

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