Is it just me or is there a whole lot of nothing going on?
July 16, 2012
Hello again… my friends… my wide eyed and close mouthed friends… my uninteractive friends… although I thank thee for reading… Hello again…
What is happening in the world?!
THE DARK KNIGHT RISES!
That is opening this weekend and the first reviews for the epic are up. One asshat gave it a bad review. That asshat also gave “Men in Black 3” and “Rock of Ages” good reviews. Plus, I have never heard of him nor his blog/magazine/cult pulpit before. Whatever. That won’t ruin my day. Nothing they say ruins my day. But everyone else has been positive about the movie because we all know its going to be amazing.
Comic Con is running on Day 96… I think.
What has come from Comic Con?
Probably the biggest news is that director Edgar Wright isn’t lying. Apparently, we all thought he was lying. That’s weird isn’t it? Edgar said he was going to make a movie adaptation of the comic book “Ant-Man”. When he said that months ago, I guess we all looked squirrely eyed at him and bluntly replied, “you’re fucking lying you fucking English mon.” Yes, mon. We were speaking Jamaican at the time. Anyway, at Comic Con, Edgar revealed that he was in fact NOT lying and IS making “Ant-Man”. Great. So, is this news? No. Also, Edgar wasn’t lying when he said that he was going to make a different movie first before “Ant-Man” and that’s still happening. Great.
Thomas Jane thinks he’s the Punisher still. Really? Thomas Jane is a nut job, for one. For two, he actually thinks his Punisher movie was good. That movie is unwatchably bad. Not necessarily because of Jane, but more so because John Travolta plays a Cuban drug lord. Yeah. And there is a giant section of the movie where Jane just has to become best friends with his gay next door neighbors who look like Laurel and Hardy. Great movie you got there when you turn “The Punisher” into a TV sitcom. Terrible. Either way, it appears that Thomas or a movie studio put up money to make a short film featuring him as The Punisher and that played to a crowd of just about no one because WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK WHAT THOMAS JANE IS UP TO? Good Lord! What is this 2002?!
There’s going to be an Iron Man 3 – shocking – a Thor 2 – surprising – and a Captain America 2 – who would’ve guessed it.
The lucky fans at Comic Con were also privy to a 90 second teaser for the Superman movie that’s coming out next year and this teaser will most likely be attached to the Batman movie coming out this week. Way to go, Comic Con. A whole 4 days early! WOOOOOO!!!! Apparently, Superman is a lot … wait for it… DARKER! Oh my God! You don’t say!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?! Of course, it’s going to be darker! If Superman got any “lighter” than the Christopher Reeves movies then it would be a damn Carebear movie. No one hired Zack Snyder to make a “light” movie. He made “Watchmen” which featured a guy’s 20 foot blue dong in it.
I can’t think of any new news from Comic Con. … … The final Hunger Games movie which is years away anyway will be two movies instead of one. I like that filmmakers or studios think that’s an idea that makes us the fans happy. Nope. Makes me quite unhappy. All that says, the first half will be BORING and the second half will be filled with so much schlocky action followed up by way too much epilogue saying goodbye bullshit. GREAT! Thanks, you fuckholes.
Jeremy Lin of “Linsanity” fame is probably not going to be a New York Knick anymore. WAY TO FUCK THAT UP, YOU DUMBASS FUCKS!
Drew Brees is a bajillionaire. Yeah, no shit. What took you so long?
I think that’s all I got.
I didn’t go to the movies this weekend. I drank, I ate, I went to the beach for a half hour and stood by the water because I wasn’t allowed in because of a lightning strike. Fuck you, lifeguard. If I want to be reckless let me be reckless. This is America! That’s what America means, right? It means I have the right to get killed in an ocean from a lightning strike. Stupid communism! Who knew lifeguards were all pinko commies?
Is there anything going on worth talking about?
How was your weekend?