KSWI Presents: Katie Holmes is soulless and evil

July 17, 2012

Yes.

Before you judge without knowing the facts, let me present you with a little story that should take less time reading it than it takes to read this unnecessarily long sentence that really has no chance of ending any time soon and I can imagine that you’re sitting there thinking to yourself that you should just skip this sentence and move onto the next one, but what happens if this sentence actually reveals something painfully necessary for your existence, your family’s existence, and maybe all those nice people who live in Alaska that we used to call “Eskimos”, but in this recent reality we have learned that in some areas of the world that word is seen as derogatory because of the odd translation or two of “Eskimo” in some dialects is “eaters of raw meat” and even if that doesn’t sound too “derogatory” for you – it is for them – so you should really refer to these people as Inuits because that is the currently accepted since 1977 descriptor for them and we would all be much happier if you abide by that reasoning and belief.

Anyway, Katie Holmes took Suri Cruise to a pet store to look at puppies and DIDN’T BUY ONE!

LOOK AT THAT FACE OF SADNESS!

Suri’s face. Not the puppy’s.

The puppy is doing pretty good at the moment. It’s a puppy, so it doesn’t know any better. It’s alive and it’s being held in the cuddly arms of a black man. I’m sure you would be happy too. Imagine you’re only a foot or so of fluffy haired existence and, suddenly, a strong, but gentle hand swoops in and lifts you up as if you weighed nothing – like a pillow of feathers. And this gentle hand of this black gentleman presented you to others as a trophy of love and affection for little girls and grown women and households for all of the world to take care of you and pet you and treat you as one of their own.

Meanwhile…

Suri…

SO SAD!

Talk about “cruel and unusual punishment”. I wouldn’t subject our countries many prisoners to such torture. This has to break a Geneva Convention or Comic Convention or some convention’s laws. Who mistreats another human being like this? Suckering them into believing then can own a puppy and hold said puppy or puppies right in front of the person’s face and then WALK OUT! WALK OUT?! It’s not like the puppy is too expensive or not cute enough. This is psychotic!

Who could possibly do something this absurd to you, Suri?

Your MOMMA!

Look at Katie Holmes’ eyes.

Sometimes that Katie Holmes looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. And, you know, the thing about Katie Holmes… she’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. When she comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be living… until she bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then… ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’. The ocean turns red, and despite all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, she comes in and she… rips you to pieces.

Yeah, look around. Get a good look at all the puppies. All the puppies you will never get to have, Suri.

What kind of monster is she! What kind of monster is this Katie Holmes?

It’s a damn shame. I’m sure Suri has lived a charmed life considering her parents are millionaires, but does she deserve this? Does she deserve to be treated so unkind? She’s just a little girl. Aren’t we all?! A little girl, damn it. She’s taken into a pet store to see puppies. To see them so close to her face. To be within smelling distance of their puppy breath. To be within ear shot of their little squeak and other involuntary noises that make you smile a smile so genuine and true it is known in the darkest corners of this world.

AND TO RIP IT FROM HER HANDS?! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SURI!!!!

Look at this tyrant of psychological abuse stroking the poor child who appears to be in the middle of having a quiet meltdown.

Shall one dare to show you the faces in front of his poor poor poor poor, figuratively, child? SHALL ONE?!

I shall…

GIVE ME THAT PUPPY!

errr

GIVE SURI THAT PUPPY!

and…

GIVE IT! GIVE IT! GIVE IT!

JUST LOOK AT THAT PUPPY! IT IS STARVING! STARVING FOR PETS AND THE GENTLEST KISSES ON ITS NOSE AND PAWS!

LET ME… errr… SURI PLAY WITH THAT PUPPY!

but…

we all know what happened in the end…

The kindly black gentleman dressed head-to-toe in Foot Locker paraphernalia tried his best to explain that these puppies are for sale and how her child longs for one oh so dearly so.

But no, black man, Katie Holmes’ face says no. There is no language in a solar system in this universe where the face that Katie Holmes is making in this photo ever translates to the “yes”. IT IS NO! ALWAYS NO! That face might as well be the universal symbol of NO. No, I don’t want that. I don’t want your happiness that you’re selling me. You are selling me unadulterated joy resting in the palm of your hand and I want it NOT! NEVER!

And as soon as the tale began… so it must end.

Surprisingly so, it ends with a smile.

NOT SURI’S SMILE! Not a smile in the least.

No. The smile is Katie Holmes’. Look at how bright and glowing her smile is as she has permanently burned a terrible nightmarish day into the growing mind of Suri Cruise.

Suri will not forget this day.

Suri will remember her mother’s face. Suri will remember the black man. Suri will remember the puppy. Suri will remember this feeling of complete and utter nothingness that only breeds hatred for the elders who control this world of ours with their illogical and hurtful reasoning that they blindly wield which hurts and destroys the hope of the next generation… the next generation of puppy owners.

Katie Holmes will rue this day. She will rue it! Because one day… yes, one day… Suri will have her VENGEANCE! YES! VENGEANCE!

And that vengeance will be…

BUYING ALL THE PUPPIES!

PUPPIES!

The end.

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5 Responses to “KSWI Presents: Katie Holmes is soulless and evil”

  1. Kim said

    Love this post!! And I can’t help wonder that Katie thinks if she keeps herself and Suri out in public, surrounded by paps, that they Scientologists won’t be able to kidnap them and take them away to where Katie will never be seen again!

    Also — I’m still watching the Shiba Inu puppies and got teary-eyed at those “good-bye’ videos, now that the puppies are going to their homes. 😦

  2. That last face is an “I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!” face, so Katie better watch out. Suri will probably go full Scientology now just to teach her a lesson.

    Oh, and also… GIMME THOSE PUPPIES!!!!!!!

    • NixHaw said

      I myself, was thinking ‘village of the damned’ when I saw that face… I’m sure glad I’m not her momma.

  3. NixHaw said

    I wasn’t so sure when I read the title to this post. I mean, sure she married Tom Cruise, but KatIE Holmes must have a few redeemable characteristics… I was WRONG and you are RIGHT Jordan. I bow down to your rightness. What is wrong with that woman?! Evil, soulless, torturer of puppies and little girls alike! For shame. Katie Holmes. For shame!

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