AUGUST MOVIES – The Many, The Random, The Mostly Forgettable – part I

July 24, 2012

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo… gentlemen and ladies who apparently do not specifically need to be gentle.

Today, I will start the painstaking process of previewing movies for the month of August. A series of movies that most will not see nor hear about nor ever know about. Yes, in fact, August’s movies are quite varied in not only their storylines, but their overall appeal of whether any single human being would ever want to sit through them. It’s far from a discussion of “bad or good” and more so a discussion on “why at all”. It will be more clear when we begin examining the movies one at a time, but do not get your hopes up. Basically, there is one movie that looks good this month – top to bottom, left to right, in and out, ass to elbows, junk in the trunk – and that’s the political comedy thriller “The Campaign” starring Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis.

The rest of the month is as undesirable as a naked Philip Seymour Hoffman freshly steamed pink from a sauna and then covered in pickles.

Movies?

360

Shrugs. At this point, this movie makes me shrug. A few years ago, it would’ve raised an eye brow or possibly two, but now it’s only a shrug. From the director that once – a long long long time ago – brought you “City of God” and “The Constant Gardener” brings you a movie that would’ve been more suitable to come out when everyone was making movies about ensemble casts and their intersecting lives that people are mildly curious about. Sure, that’s Jude Law and that’s Anthony Hopkins and that’s Rachel Weisz and, honestly who cares, but that’s Ben Foster. They’re famous at least 3 out of 4, but they’ve made tons of bad movies and this looks like another one or more so one that you would only watch when you’re looking for movies OnDemand and you must watch a new movie. Even the plot summary doesn’t care enough to talk about the movie… Inspired by Arthur Schnitzler’s classic La Ronde, screenwriter Peter Morgan and director Fernando Meirelles’ 360 combines a modern and dynamic roundelay of stories into one, linking characters from different cities and countries in a vivid, suspenseful and deeply moving tale of love in the 21st century. Starting in Vienna, the film beautifully weaves through Paris, London, Bratislava, Rio, Denver and Phoenix into a single, mesmerizing narrative. It’s a movie about love in the 21st century and it’s shot in Paris and Phoenix, which I suppose is the Paris of Arizona? I’m going to tell you something… none of those people in the poster look like they’re in “love in the 21st century”, so whatever the movie is about most suck because no one is telling us shit. It doesn’t matter anyway because only 12 people will see this movie.

CELESTE AND JESSE FOREVER

Yeah… no. I find it more likely that a scientist who studies lizards would one day being backed into a corner and use himself as a test subject for a crossmutation between lizards and humans serum that would turn said scientist into a 9 foot tall lizard that rampages New York City in an effort to turn all of Manhattan’s inhabitants into fellow 9 foot tall lizards… THAN… Rashida Jones falling in love with Andy Samberg. … BUT… I guess that’s why they call it “acting”, AM I RIGHT?! Woooo! Burn sauce all over Samberg’s stupid face! Pick a face guy! You can’t have a Kirk Douglas dimpled chin, a Julia Roberts’ shark mouth, Pacino’s honking nose, Will Smith’s ears, and my hair when I wake up in the morning after head wrestling my comforter. Pick a face! Anyway…

I hope this movie is good because Rashida Jones is a beautiful angel woman of talent and pretty faceness and she wrote it. But at the same time, it looks like well tread territory and physically looks like it was shot over a weekend with all their famous hip friends playing the side characters. Hey, Elijah Wood, are you busy on Tuesday? No?! Great. Would you be cool running some lines? You would?! Great. It’s for a movie that we’re going to be taping and you’re not going to get paid for it.

Oh right. The story is the Rashida and Andy are best friends who then almost get married or do get married and now are separating, but they’re going to try and remain best friends, but then of course Samberg moves on to another girl and Rashida’s world is a tailspin wondering if she made the biggest mistake leaving Andy Samberg. Oh yeah, and hilarity ensues. Let me answer this conundrum for you Rashida as if I was a young lady… YOU CAN DO TOTES BETTER THAN ANDY “HAM”BERG!

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID: DOG DAYS

Since I started doing these monthly preview posts, I have preview THREE of these “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” movies. THREE! Are people even seeing these movies? Are they even coming out in the theaters to be seen? Do they directly get delivered into the mail of young parents who have wimpy kids? Whatever amount of money they spent on making the at least three movies for this series was probably enough to correct the school system budget problems for any major US State and it’s neighboring states. Think about that. THINK ABOUT IT! “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” may allow your stupid child to laugh for an hour, but your stupid child will remain stupid forever because the American education system is crumbling because people would rather invest their money into these movies than into making your stupid child not stupid anymore. Now, who is the real enemy of this world?

TOTAL RECALL

Why? Honestly, why? I couldn’t possibly imagine seeing this movie ever. Why on Earth would you want to see this movie? If you liked the original “Total Recall” with Arnold Schwarzenegger then why would you go see a retelling of the exact same movie 20 some odd years later with Colin Ferrell replacing Arnold? Who does that appeal to in the least? Honestly. Think about that for 8 seconds. Does that make sense at all? OR … if you didn’t like “Total Recall” featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger, why would you go see a retelling of the exact same movie 20 some odd years later with Colin Ferrell replacing Arnold? Why? I’d love to know why people would go see this movie. The only reason I can think of is “just because” then that’s a stupid reason to make a movie and spend the money and so on and so forth. It looks nearly identical to the last movie and some scenes look almost shot for shot except for Colin instead of Arnold. As far as telling the story any differently… well, who cares. The storyline of “Total Recall” leaves it a little murky as to what is real if anything is or not, but it doesn’t matter. You’re not emotionally invested in whether it is actually real or not like in “Abre Los Ojos/Vanilla Sky”. In that movie, what happens at the end makes a great difference – lives or dies. In “Total Recall”, that’s not the point. Also, “Total Recall” was not a movie where special effects were so dated they couldn’t pull off stunts or scenes. It looks completely fine.

If you see “Total Recall” then know you are paying to see a movie that you could’ve watched at home with a better cast and was originally done 20 years earlier and you’ll feel a thousand times less dirty about feeding these sham remaking Hollywood asshats.

2 DAYS IN NEW YORK

I kind of want to see this. First off, it might not even get a wide enough release to make that happen, but who knows – Chris Rock used to be really famous. The movie itself is about Chris Rock being the boyfriend of the blonde, late 1960’s French looking Julie Delpy. I like Julie and I like Chris – as a comedian and man, not so much as an actor – and the idea of the movie is that hilarity ensues when her family comes to visit New York and meets Chris Rock for the first time. I’m sure it ensues, ever so slightly. But it could be good. It could also be wildly passable. Passable in every which way where you’re not angry about having watched it, but you wouldn’t recommend it to anyone and three weeks later you’ll forgot you even saw the movie and three months after that when it’s on Netflix you’ll read the summary for the movie as if it was a new movie you never heard of and suddenly it hits you that you have in fact seen it and you feel like a big bone head, so you search in vain for episodes of “Wipeout”, but there are none and you end up watching another 10 episodes of “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives” and you think to yourself, “I’ve wasted the greatest gift – life”.

Or the movie could be a good rom com, am I right?

THE BOURNE LEGACY

I couldn’t be less interested in seeing this movie. Well, if they told me that they were killing puppies on set in between takes for fun then I would be less interested, but outside of the cast of “The Bourne Legacy” thrilling killing puppies – I’m pretty uninterested in ever seeing this movie ever. The Bourne Franchise in general is pretty bleh in my opinion. The first movie was ok for what it was and the second movie was less of it and the third movie was probably the best version of the first movie and was the end of the trilogy. Now, here we have Jeremy Renner “reviving” a franchise or “continuing” a franchise by basically remaking the third movie with himself as the lead and Matt Damon’s character somewhere in the ether. This movie is supposed to be concurrent with the third movie, so that doesn’t help in it looking identical to it plus IT LOOKS IDENTICAL TO IT. I did see the Bourne movies and I could never see any of them again for as long as I live and I would actually be happy about that, but even if that wasn’t the case – why would you want Jeremy Renner to remake them only a couple years after that trilogy happened?

Look at it this way, if the Hollywood production companies out there couldn’t convince Matt Damon to make more of these movies for MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, why would I want to spend my money on seeing it?

THE CAMPAIGN

Yes.

On August 10th, you will get a good movie. A funny movie and a good movie. Thank you.

I don’t really know what to say about this movie because everything about it looks perfect. You have two of the best comedic actors playing opposite each other and competing against each other in a who is more ridiculous contest while at the same time it being incredibly apropos to make a movie about the ridiculousness of political races in a year that has already been filled with a bunch and will continue to be until November. So, it’s perfect.

I’m excited. You should be excited. I’m excited about the possibility of you being excited. And the possibility that you’re excited because I’m excited about you being excited just makes me that much more excited. I’m excited.

I like laughing. How about you? Go see “The Campaign”.

Part 2 of these August movies will be up tomorrow… there’s probably going to be a part 3 as well.

You’ve been forewarned.

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3 Responses to “AUGUST MOVIES – The Many, The Random, The Mostly Forgettable – part I”

  1. Kim said

    FYI — 2 Days in New York is currently playing VOD — you can watch it on TV/computer.

  2. tiffanized said

    This is when being divorced is superawesome: TELL YOUR DAD TO TAKE YOU TO SEE THAT WIMPY MOVIE. I was very careful to be fair during the divorce process but when it comes to these juvenile crapfests all bets are off. I mean, there’s fake violent puking in the damn TRAILER. My kid has read those books and though she is far from stupid, bad kids’ movies are just inevitable when you have kids of any intelligence level. It’s the goddamn Fred movies I can’t stand, and we get them for free on Disney or Nick or whatever. Yeah, tell your dad to take you to that shit.

    As is true with all the movies you review, I will not see these. Oh maybe one drunken night one of the dudes I’m screwing around with will slip “The Campaign” into the DVD player as background noise for a sofa blowjob, but that’s as close as it gets.

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