I told you so…

July 25, 2012

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

By some accounts, she got IT.

From my biased perspective, how could he have resisted IT?

If its true, in my biased opinion, the worst thing he did was think that hour plus with the dwarves was necessary for any of us to see IT.

If its untrue, she still wants IT.

All kidding aside, WHO GIVES A FUCK?!

Honestly, I couldn’t care any less about these reports whether they’re real or not. Also, I couldn’t care less because the reports are FUCKING LAME.

What happened? She made out with the guy? MADE OUT WITH HIM?! Is this a Middle School dance? Are we hiding under bleachers and dancing the “electric slide” later? MADE OUT?! COME ON!

I’m a person of the internet. The internet! I spend my days and nights staring at the Matrix and it is some dark and devious shit that’s happening out there. It puts me eyeball to screen to a video camera somewhere else in the world where I can see some of the most horrible things ever and I’m supposed to be excited by “making out”. I was really expecting something a fuck ton worse than making out. I was expecting a leather bondage scene, a femdom CFNM BDSM SWATH director’s cut scene. THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO READ ABOUT!

Actually, it’s not. But it would’ve made me think the uproar was a little more justifiable. But whatever.

So what now?

I’m not saying I would be happy or non-emotional if my girlfriend made out with essentially a co-worker. I would still have to go punch that guy or key his car or break into his house and poop in his kitchen twice a week for two months. But it definitely could’ve been a fuck ton worse if the dude’s penis was involved. As far as I’ve read, the penis was not that involved.

They are two Brits. How do Brits settle disagreements? A duel? Do they still do duels? Not with pistols, of course. No one owns a gun in England. It would be like a slap boxing duel. Really just the big part of the duel where one slaps the other with a glove, but it continues for a long time. With some added coarse language. I guess that could be satisfying enough.

But the real plan should be a lot more psychopathic than that. If I were to suggest a real revenge scenario to him, it wouldn’t involve fighting or shitting in his house. The man is married with 2 kids and they don’t deserve shit in their kitchen. But something does deserve to happen to him though. The reality is no matter what revenge scenario he decides to go with, he’ll always have that image in his mind, he’ll have that image of her, he’ll always have that dissatisfaction knowing that he enjoyed kissing her, and maybe she’ll always have a positive image of him from that kiss they shared, so what he needs to do is destroy all of that by…

Rob needs to make out with Rupert.

BOOM!

FUCKING BOOM!

BOOM-A-LOOM! FUCKING BOOM-A-LOOM!

That would fuck with all their heads! Imagine that! IMAGINE THAT! Imagine how fucking amazing that would be. And, it would be really fan-service-y too. Imagine what a fucking hysterical pop culture hero Rob would be if he walked right up to Rupert in public and people were all watching thinking there was going to be a fight and then Rob – stinking of Jim Beam and cigarettes and English tea – walks right up to Rupert – who is all scared like there is going to be a fight with this hot head kid – and right as he gets within a stride of Rupert, Rob says…

“What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander” or “if you like her, you’ll love me”

Or something amazing like that and then BAM! HE FUCKING STICKS HIS TONGUE INTO HIS MOUTH AND RAPE KISSES THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! Oh my God that would be the greatest revenge scenario ever.

For Rob, like I said – nothing is really going to be satisfying. So, if he doesn’t enjoy kissing men then it’s just going to be another thing that isn’t satisfying. If he does enjoy kissing men, then it’s not an issue. Either way, the dude is a dude actor and dude actors have to kiss other dude actors sometimes. It’s not a crazy stretch.

For Rupert, he just got rape kissed. BOOM! Take that motherfucker! Again, if he doesn’t like kissing men then that was a rough stubbly, bourbon/cigs/tea tasting, angry rape kiss that he just endured. If he does enjoy kissing men, BAM then Rob could have really effectively ended that guy’s marriage and turned his world upside down now having to admit he’s living a bi-curious if not completely gay lifestyle. Either way, it would fuck with the dude’s head to no end. It would be ultra difficult to separate the pleasant experience of kissing Kristen to the not so pleasant experience of being tongue fucked by Rob. It’s as if Rob’s tongue is a time traveler and kills Kristen’s tongue before its even born and then meets Rupert’s tongue at the original date of kissing thus changing the future forever.

At the same time, if Rob did this, his fans would be fans FOR LIFE. I’m not talking about 5 years from now when you all forget about “Twilight”. I’m talking about FOREVER. That clip of him kissing the other dude would be played in hysterical youtube fashion from now until eternity. And what would Rob need to say to explain to the world why he did it, “If he’s going to kiss my girlfriend, he’s got to kiss me too.” Or just, “to fuck with him”. No matter what, it would be a phenomenal. Also, I’m pretty fucking sure that Kristen’s reaction could never be to really be mad at him. He didn’t turn into some barbarian who went out and punched the guy like some unintelligent caveman or do the whole shitting in the house thing, which reeks of serial killer-dom. But he kissed the guy in a devious and thought provoking psychological attack that is also fucking hilarious. In time, she would think it was the funniest thing ever I would imagine. Plus chicks nowadays really love seeing dudes kiss each other, so there’s that.

That’s my advice.

That’s my advice for Robert Pattinson. KISS THAT DUDE! Like mean. Kiss him like you’re Natasha Henstridge in “Species 2” in the hot tub when her tongue blows out the back of the guys skull. Oh, and get your hands on his face. Get your stinky cigarette fingers on his face and when you pull back from kissing him, let one or two fingers linger on his bottom lip for a moment. That will fuck with him forever. If he’s not gay or bi, he will honestly spend the next week tasting your mouth and will obsessively be trying to wash it out like he’s Lady Macbeth.

Do it for yourself. Do it for your slash loving fans. Do it for Kristen Stewart because we all know she wants IT.

I’m talking to you, Rob. Kiss him.

You’re welcome.

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6 Responses to “I told you so…”

  1. tabitoo said

    Well I think they were doing more than making out. In one pic it does look like Rupert is going down on her. 😦

  2. vlake said

    That was the BEST advice EVER…freaking HILARIOUS!!! Do it ROB, DO IT!!!!!!

  3. NixHaw said

    Jordan you superb and stellar man you!

  4. Voldog said

    Best. Post. Ever. Hilarious, but completely true. That would be the best revenge ever. I can almost smell stinky finger residue on my lip…

  5. omfg. I KNEW you would have something hilarious to say about this, actually one of the first things I thought after I sobbed openly in public and didn’t sleep or eat for 36 hours was that I should check to see what you would say, but then not sleeping for that long caught up with me and I passed out and forgot. This is by far the absolute best article I have read on the topic (and I don’t even want to admit how many I’ve read. let’s leave it at “a lot”)

    five out of five stars, superb, magnificent… all the good adjectives for this post.

  6. PWG said

    You should lead nations with that Machivellian mind. “Come here, Syria, have I got a little treat for you!”

    You also just gave me a really vivid mental picture if what it’s realistically like to kiss Robert Pattinson, involving all five senses. I do not thank you for that, Sir.

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