The Dirty Thirty XXX Olympics… update 1 of who knows…

July 30, 2012

I love the Olympics.

There are almost too many amazing stories happening to follow. Obviously, I’m rooting for the greatest country of them all, we won a gold medal in being the best… the United States of AMERICA! ‘MERICA!

Kim Rhode! Kim Rhode tied her own record to win a gold medal this year in skeet shooting. That record? NINETY NINE OUT OF ONE HUNDRED! 99-100!

Why are people so afraid of the zombie apocalypse? We have Kim Rhode! Give her a rifle and unlimited ammo and she’ll mow down armies of zombies one shot to the brain at a time.

This morning, Marti Malloy who competes at 57 kg in judo won a bronze medal. A fucking bronze badass medal.

For the US, this is only our second medal of any sort for the women’s judo team. Our first was in 2008 with Ronda Rousey’s bronze medal. Now, Marti. It’s also a different weight division, so that was the US’ first medal at that weight division ever. Unbelievable. On top of that, we still have two medal hopefuls on our judo team: Travis Stevens and Kayla Harrison. Harrison is actually a favorite for gold. Fuck yeah, America.

There are a ton of great stories in general, but let’s focus on girls gymnastics for a moment…

THE JUDGING IS BULLSHIT

THE RULE ABOUT ONLY TWO REPRESENTATIVES MAX IN THE ALL AROUND IS BULLSHIT

I WANT TO GIVE ALL OF LADIES A HUG BECAUSE THEY ARE PRINCESSES OF THE GYM MATS AND THEY ARE SO TOUGH, BUT SO FRAIL AND THEY NEED OUR SUPPORT AND WHEN THEY TEAR UP A LITTLE OR SOMEONE YELLS AT THEM, I GET MAD AND WANT TO HELP THEM BECAUSE I’M HONESTLY THREE OF THEM PUT TOGETHER

Those are my first thoughts.

Watch fucking horseshit is it that Jordyn Wieber can’t compete in the All Around because of the two limit for a nation. So, there’s going to be some other tiny girl competing in that event who didn’t score higher than her, but she gets to compete because she’s not from the US of A. That’s some bullshit. I know the rule isn’t too too new, but it’s a fucking fucking fucking stupid rule. I don’t know how to say it more eloquently than that. Fuck those FIG (Federation of International Gymnastics) fucks. FUCK THOSE FIG FUCKERS! FUCK THEM! THEY MADE JORDYN CRY! AND THAT MADE BIG JORDAN ANGRY!!!!!

Anyway, Aly Raisman is amazing. So, is Gabby Douglass. I hope Jordyn smokes the rest of the competition in the team event later.

Anyway, anyway…

The two best moments at the Olympics thus far…

The greatest first lady ever Michelle Obama hugs the US men’s basketball team. I love it. I want a hug. They all look so giddy about hugging her. They also look like school children lining up.

I hope Michelle Obama found Jordyn in London and hugged the tears out of that gymnast.

And then the greatest moment of the games…

STICK IT!

STICK IT!

That has to be what Aly Raisman’s parents look like when they’re having sex. STICK IT!

..

.

The events have been great. The coverage has sucked. I think NBC is doing a decent to a shitty job at all times. A lot of times there is a complete lack of context of what is going on when you’re watching. Plus with this all being tape delayed – why are there still these problems? They seem to be slow with their graphics of what is going on with most sports you’re watching. Like in boxing, half the time they don’t say who just scored what in the last round. How am I supposed to know who is winning or losing at that point in the match if I don’t know the scores? Plus, the coverage itself is all over the map. Sometimes they show it, sometimes you have to wait, sometimes it is online, sometimes it isn’t. I don’t know. It’s sports and the sports are what matters, but NBC is dropping the ball on a ton of this stuff. Shitty commercial breaks? They did a commercial break last night after waiting for a score to be tallied in gymnastics, they went to commercial before they read the score. Before? You just waited for them to tally it and then you’re going to cut out right before they read it? You don’t go to commercial in the middle of a guy taking a jump shot!

I also thought the opening ceremonies were dreadfully stupid. Mary Poppins fighting Voldemort? Is England the setting of The Hobbit? Why was everyone dressed like Abraham Lincoln? Bond and the “queen” jumping out of a helicopter is really great? Anything that happened in that cell phone/twitter/text messaging/internet snooze fest section of the opening ceremonies! ANY MOMENT OF THAT SUCKED! ALL OF THOSE MOMENTS SUCKED!

You’re England. Some of the greatest music ever recorded ever was recorded in England. How did you fuck this up?

The best part was the “Hey Jude” moment when Danny Boyle finally realized that all he needed to do was have one of the many heroes of rock and roll from England just fucking play some fucking music without any nightmarish Broadway stage show horse shit. It also happened like 4 hours into the broadcast. And Bob Costas is the worst. The worst.

How was your weekend?

One Response to “The Dirty Thirty XXX Olympics… update 1 of who knows…”

  1. tiffanized said

    But what if Kim Rhode becomes a zombie first? Won’t we be screwed when a zombie can hit 99 out of a hundred of our delicious brain containers?

    Opening ceremonies were pretty bad. I thought they looked more like Wonkas than Lincolns, though. Any opening ceremonies for the olympics that involves a ten minute period of sod removal might want to rethink its game. When all those Mary Poppins dropped in on Voldemort I gave up and started drinking straight bourbon.

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