AUGUST MOVIES – The Many, The Random, The Mostly Forgettable – part II

July 31, 2012

I’m fucking pissed.

I’m watching the Olympics as I write this and the US’ top dude judo player – Travis Stevens – just got fucked out of a gold medal match by the dumb ass judges. That’s the long and short of it. Travis will get the chance to compete for bronze as I write this, but he should’ve been fighting for gold. A judo match is 5 minutes and a 3 minute overtime. Travis was going against the former gold medal winner from Germany. They went all 8 minutes, which means it comes down to a judges’ decision and as I mentioned – the judges fucked Travis. Not only was Travis clearly the aggressor that whole match, but Travis got cut in the match and had athletic tape criss-crossing his face like he was Liam Neeson in “Darkman”.

Ugh. I’ll keep you informed to what happens… I was already mad at the gymnastics judges from last night and the bullshit of arbitrarily giving Japan the silver and fucking over the Ukraine and demoting the Brits from silver to bronze. That was horseshit.

Fuck. Travis lost in the bronze medal match to a Canadian. He should’ve been in that gold medal match to begin with. Fuck. I talked to Travis before the games and he said he was thinking of making the switch to MMA. I hope he does. He’s an animal and I bet he’ll do well in the cage where he’s given more than a split second to go for a submission. Plus punches.

It feels like a month ago, but I started my breakdown of movies for August and I’ll continue it. I finished on “The Campaign” in the last article, which is about the only really really really good looking movie that is coming out this month in my opinion. Anyway… next up…

HOPE SPRINGS

Old people fucking.

Say it with me… actually sing it with me.

OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!

Now, just the boys!

OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!

Now, just the ladies!

OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!

Now, everybody! I want them to hear it in the back row!

OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!

Well done, everyone.

Do you want to see old people fucking? Then check out spankwire or where ever because there are a ton of videos of that stuff. Or you can wait and see Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep and the old boss on “The Office” talk an awful lot about old people fucking.

RED HOOK SUMMER

I don’t even know anymore about Spike Lee. I watched the trailer for this movie and it literally looks like Spike Lee shot this movie over a weekend following watching “Do the Right Thing” and a conversation where Spike Lee goes, “I bet I can still make movies like that.” And ta-da! I doubt I’m seeing this movie and I bet none of you will either. Actually I’ll go a step farther and say you’ll forget that this movie is even coming out in the month of August by the end of this post. What’s the movie about? Unstructured kid, too structured adult, and a whole lot of lingering shots of Brooklyn. Whatever. I’m waiting on Spike Lee to ruin “Old Boy”. That’s what I’m waiting for.

THE ODD LIFE OF TIMOTHY GREEN

I’ve got no fucking clue. In all honesty, I just want to write off “Red Hook Summer” as “black people” and write off “The Odd Life of Timothy Green” as “white people” and no one is seeing either. So, a forest elf gnome magical sprite child is birthed to himself in the garden of a lily white couple featuring Jennifer Garner and some guy can’t remember who and he makes everyone feel better with his whimsy. Yeah, I would rather re-circumcise myself with the sharpened handle of a toothbrush than watch two minutes of this movie. If watching this movie cured cancer, I’d learn to live with cancer.

COSMOPOLIS

I’m seeing it. Don’t worry, you undying Rob Pattison affectionites. I’m seeing it. I see most David Cronenberg movies (I skipped the last one about Kiera Knightley getting spanked for psychotherapy… as appealing as that might sound – it looked stupid) and the book this movie is based on does sound very interesting. I’m not a Pattinson acting fan in the least, but it will give me and him a chance to truly judge what the guy’s got. I didn’t see “Remember Me” or any one of the other 100 movies he’s made completely and utterly for chicks, so all I’ve really seen is him as the most forgettable “who’s he again?” dead kid in Harry Potter and that “New Moon” which was abysmal, but not necessarily because of him although he did help. So here you go, Robbles. Prove to me and the rest of us that you can really act.

Also, I read that he left his house, so that Kristen could pack, so she could leave. I feel like Rob dating Kristen was the age old Icarus story except the Sun was Kristen’s want. People kept saying, “why doesn’t Rob get hurt by all of Kristen’s want?” But he eventually did. The question is, will he go back for round 2? Or he could be gay like RuPaul says. I don’t know. Or he could be dating Katy Perry because apparently everyone is dating her. Whatever.

EXPENDABLES 2

The first one sucked. Yep. I said it. The first “Expendables” was bad and I never want to see a second of it again. Will I see “Expendables 2”? Probably. My reasoning is this – it can’t be worse than the first. The first was really bad. It also features Jean Claude Van Damme. The first movie didn’t really have a bad guy nor did the movie make any sense. This sequel appears to have a bad guy with the initials JCVD and I can see that being good. It can be good. It probably won’t be, but it has potential. Literally, as I’m typing this, I’m thinking about the first “Expendables” and it was awful. So fucking bad. Any scene with Mickey Rourke in it? FUCKING STUPID. Any scene with Jason Statham in it? FUCKING STUPID. Any scene with Jet Li in it? FUCKING STUPID. Any scene that didn’t feature an “expendable”? FUCKING STUPID. About the only OK part of the movie was when Randy Couture and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and Sly Stallone and that other guy wearing the denim shirt and khakis fought. That scene was decent. It was basically the same scene as Vin Diesel and The Rock fighting one-on-one in “Fast Five”, so there’s that. I feel like I’m going to end up seeing “Expendables 2” just to see how much worse it can get or can they make a watchable movie. It’s up for debate.

PARANORMAN

Do you have kids? You’re seeing it.

Do you know about contraception and haven’t accidentally gestated a second you in the stomach of either yourself or another woman? You’re not seeing it.

SPARKLE

No.

THE APPARITION

Do you know that age old tradition of taking a hot chick and putting her into a horror movie no one is ever going to see?

Let me present… Ashley Greene and the movie “The Apparition”.

There’s something really disturbing about Hollywood producers that when they see an incredibly hot and sexy chick that the first and only thing they can think of doing with her is make a movie about wanting to chop her head off.

Dear Ashley,

I would never simulate doing such mean things to you.

Sincerely,

Some blogger

HIT AND RUN

Let me ask you a question… do you think Dax Shepard is funny?

At this moment, you are either saying “no” or “who is Dax Shepard?” and let me tell you – both answers are right.

This movie is Dax Shepard’s baby and it looks like a worse version of the “Dukes of Hazard” movie. Great. Thank you, Hollywood. Sound investments made always.

And that about does it for today… barf.

With 7 movies left to preview, August is so far – “The Campaign” because it looks amazing, “Cosmopolis” because why not, and “Expendables 2” because if it is better or worse then I just want to see the madness and JCVD on the big screen one more time. That’s a shitty month. Did I miss anything?

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6 Responses to “AUGUST MOVIES – The Many, The Random, The Mostly Forgettable – part II”

  1. PWG said

    I will see none of these movies. Well maybe the Expendables 2 because I generally like to see things blow up real good, especially if there are built shirtless men in the foreground walking toward me in slo-mo. I can’t be certain this movie will provide that, because I didn’t care enough to see the first one, but here’s hoping.

    I saw trailers this week for Taken 2 and Skyfall. I’ll see both of those. Who knew how enjoyable it would be to watch Liam Neeson shoot innocent women?

    And sadly I also saw the trailer for One Shot, the Lee Child book/movie that Tom Cruise will ruin by being too short, too old, and too intense-stare-y.

    I just catalogued my movie collection this week because I accidentally bought 3 DVDs for movies I already had.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Which 3?

      I have a friend who accidentally bought Brad Pitt and Robert Redford’s “Spy Game” twice from a bargain bin and didn’t open either of them.

      I’ll see “Skyfall”, but I’m disappointed it doesn’t look that much different than any other James Bond movie. I’m hoping that’s just the trailer and that the actually movie is a lot more unique than other Bond movies with a very different type of director in Sam Mendes.

      I haven’t read “One Shot” or any of those Jack Reacher books, but Cruise does look out of place in the trailer. He’s fucking dudes up though – I’ll give him that. But he’s not exactly the type of guy I would picture doing those things or saying those things.

      • PWG said

        Tombstone, Sleepy Hollow and embarrassingly, The Saint. I doubt Val Kilmer’s entire family collectively has two copies of The Saint. I load the movies to USB drives attached to the TV and cruise the used DVDs on Amazon every once in a while for the *cough* classics to add to the library. I’ve started to forget what all’s in there. I should send you the list so you can tell me what my most egregious oversights are. Or mock me, whichever.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        You can’t buy too many copies of “Tombstone”.

        There’s a good chance that I saw “The Saint” in theaters twice. Remember Elisabeth Shue? I thought she would be in movies forever. Also, “The Saint” was the first “Twilight” as in it pimped Volvos. C70 MFers! Volvo’s got a sexy side… or not.

        Well, without looking at your list and just the first thing that comes off the top of my head, have you seen “Clay Pigeons”? Vince Vaughn, Joaquin Phoenix? There’s probably an even better chance you’ve seen the movie “Ravenous” with Robert Carlyle and Guy Pearce. Have you? Those are two movies I push on everyone. I love them with my heart. They’re not exactly similar, but then again they kind of are.

      • PWG said

        I’m on vacation, I’ll just sit here and type all day instead of clean my house. I haven’t seen either of those movies, thanks for those suggestions. Since you can get most DVDs used for a buck or two, it makes sense to buy them instead of rent them. Of course it would make even MORE sense to just use my Netflix subscription, but, um, logic breakdown + laziness. Robert Carlyle reminds me that I need The Full Monty.

  2. PWG said

    Speaking of media collections, I’m pretty sure my iPod is sentient and evil. It has to be actively looking for the most inappropriate shuffle playlists at all times. If my mom’s in the car, I get raunchy Prince or Juvenile songs. One right after the other, so I can be clicking “next, next, next, next” for 3 minutes.

    Coworkers get the entire soundtrack from Twilight, or disco, or country depending on whichever would be most embarrassing to me and hilarious to them. My sons get songs that include the full explicit lyrics, anything that glorifies drugs/alcohol or Rihanna’s S&M.

    Yesterday it decided to play an hour’s worth of break-up songs, possibly under the demonic assumption that my husband was in the car or that I would be picking up a suicidal hitchhiking Robert Pattinson. Out of a good 20,000 songs, it played (I just looked this up)

    Jonny Lang – Breaking Me
    Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive
    The Wreckers – Leave the Pieces
    John Waite – Missing You
    Bruce Springsteen – One Step Up
    Depeche Mode – Policy of Truth
    Dido – White Flag

    It did eventually give up and switch to The Bloodhound Gang’s Bad Touch once I picked up the kids. I call it the Decepticon.

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