AUGUST MOVIES – The Many, The Random, The Mostly Forgettable – part II
July 31, 2012
I’m fucking pissed.
I’m watching the Olympics as I write this and the US’ top dude judo player – Travis Stevens – just got fucked out of a gold medal match by the dumb ass judges. That’s the long and short of it. Travis will get the chance to compete for bronze as I write this, but he should’ve been fighting for gold. A judo match is 5 minutes and a 3 minute overtime. Travis was going against the former gold medal winner from Germany. They went all 8 minutes, which means it comes down to a judges’ decision and as I mentioned – the judges fucked Travis. Not only was Travis clearly the aggressor that whole match, but Travis got cut in the match and had athletic tape criss-crossing his face like he was Liam Neeson in “Darkman”.
Ugh. I’ll keep you informed to what happens… I was already mad at the gymnastics judges from last night and the bullshit of arbitrarily giving Japan the silver and fucking over the Ukraine and demoting the Brits from silver to bronze. That was horseshit.
Fuck. Travis lost in the bronze medal match to a Canadian. He should’ve been in that gold medal match to begin with. Fuck. I talked to Travis before the games and he said he was thinking of making the switch to MMA. I hope he does. He’s an animal and I bet he’ll do well in the cage where he’s given more than a split second to go for a submission. Plus punches.
It feels like a month ago, but I started my breakdown of movies for August and I’ll continue it. I finished on “The Campaign” in the last article, which is about the only really really really good looking movie that is coming out this month in my opinion. Anyway… next up…
Old people fucking.
Say it with me… actually sing it with me.
OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!
Now, just the boys!
OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!
Now, just the ladies!
OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!
Now, everybody! I want them to hear it in the back row!
OLD PEOPLE FUCKING!
Well done, everyone.
Do you want to see old people fucking? Then check out spankwire or where ever because there are a ton of videos of that stuff. Or you can wait and see Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep and the old boss on “The Office” talk an awful lot about old people fucking.
RED HOOK SUMMER
I don’t even know anymore about Spike Lee. I watched the trailer for this movie and it literally looks like Spike Lee shot this movie over a weekend following watching “Do the Right Thing” and a conversation where Spike Lee goes, “I bet I can still make movies like that.” And ta-da! I doubt I’m seeing this movie and I bet none of you will either. Actually I’ll go a step farther and say you’ll forget that this movie is even coming out in the month of August by the end of this post. What’s the movie about? Unstructured kid, too structured adult, and a whole lot of lingering shots of Brooklyn. Whatever. I’m waiting on Spike Lee to ruin “Old Boy”. That’s what I’m waiting for.
THE ODD LIFE OF TIMOTHY GREEN
I’ve got no fucking clue. In all honesty, I just want to write off “Red Hook Summer” as “black people” and write off “The Odd Life of Timothy Green” as “white people” and no one is seeing either. So, a forest elf gnome magical sprite child is birthed to himself in the garden of a lily white couple featuring Jennifer Garner and some guy can’t remember who and he makes everyone feel better with his whimsy. Yeah, I would rather re-circumcise myself with the sharpened handle of a toothbrush than watch two minutes of this movie. If watching this movie cured cancer, I’d learn to live with cancer.
I’m seeing it. Don’t worry, you undying Rob Pattison affectionites. I’m seeing it. I see most David Cronenberg movies (I skipped the last one about Kiera Knightley getting spanked for psychotherapy… as appealing as that might sound – it looked stupid) and the book this movie is based on does sound very interesting. I’m not a Pattinson acting fan in the least, but it will give me and him a chance to truly judge what the guy’s got. I didn’t see “Remember Me” or any one of the other 100 movies he’s made completely and utterly for chicks, so all I’ve really seen is him as the most forgettable “who’s he again?” dead kid in Harry Potter and that “New Moon” which was abysmal, but not necessarily because of him although he did help. So here you go, Robbles. Prove to me and the rest of us that you can really act.
Also, I read that he left his house, so that Kristen could pack, so she could leave. I feel like Rob dating Kristen was the age old Icarus story except the Sun was Kristen’s want. People kept saying, “why doesn’t Rob get hurt by all of Kristen’s want?” But he eventually did. The question is, will he go back for round 2? Or he could be gay like RuPaul says. I don’t know. Or he could be dating Katy Perry because apparently everyone is dating her. Whatever.
The first one sucked. Yep. I said it. The first “Expendables” was bad and I never want to see a second of it again. Will I see “Expendables 2”? Probably. My reasoning is this – it can’t be worse than the first. The first was really bad. It also features Jean Claude Van Damme. The first movie didn’t really have a bad guy nor did the movie make any sense. This sequel appears to have a bad guy with the initials JCVD and I can see that being good. It can be good. It probably won’t be, but it has potential. Literally, as I’m typing this, I’m thinking about the first “Expendables” and it was awful. So fucking bad. Any scene with Mickey Rourke in it? FUCKING STUPID. Any scene with Jason Statham in it? FUCKING STUPID. Any scene with Jet Li in it? FUCKING STUPID. Any scene that didn’t feature an “expendable”? FUCKING STUPID. About the only OK part of the movie was when Randy Couture and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and Sly Stallone and that other guy wearing the denim shirt and khakis fought. That scene was decent. It was basically the same scene as Vin Diesel and The Rock fighting one-on-one in “Fast Five”, so there’s that. I feel like I’m going to end up seeing “Expendables 2” just to see how much worse it can get or can they make a watchable movie. It’s up for debate.
Do you have kids? You’re seeing it.
Do you know about contraception and haven’t accidentally gestated a second you in the stomach of either yourself or another woman? You’re not seeing it.
Do you know that age old tradition of taking a hot chick and putting her into a horror movie no one is ever going to see?
Let me present… Ashley Greene and the movie “The Apparition”.
There’s something really disturbing about Hollywood producers that when they see an incredibly hot and sexy chick that the first and only thing they can think of doing with her is make a movie about wanting to chop her head off.
I would never simulate doing such mean things to you.
HIT AND RUN
Let me ask you a question… do you think Dax Shepard is funny?
At this moment, you are either saying “no” or “who is Dax Shepard?” and let me tell you – both answers are right.
This movie is Dax Shepard’s baby and it looks like a worse version of the “Dukes of Hazard” movie. Great. Thank you, Hollywood. Sound investments made always.
And that about does it for today… barf.
With 7 movies left to preview, August is so far – “The Campaign” because it looks amazing, “Cosmopolis” because why not, and “Expendables 2” because if it is better or worse then I just want to see the madness and JCVD on the big screen one more time. That’s a shitty month. Did I miss anything?