Hello.

First, I have to make an announcement. The announcement is that I will be going to…

ENG-LUND!

I am going over there to get ROB PATTINSON! And force him to get back in love with KRISTEN STEWART because…

ROBSTEN 4 EVA! EV-UH! EV-UGH!!!!!!

..

.

Hmmmmm… well… some of what I said is true.

I am taking a “holiday” to the UK for a week. I’ll be gone from tonight until Labor Day Monday. It’s for a wedding, I’m wearing a kilt at the wedding, those pictures will be on the internet I’m guessing, I’m also going to be in Scotland for a few days, I’m going to be drunk on scotch in Scotland for a few days, and I have my fingers crossed that we’ll be able to hit up Hadrian’s Wall while I’m over there. I’ve seen and walked on the Great Wall of China and I’ve always wanted to see Hadrian’s Wall because when it was created it was the end of the Roman Empire, civilization, modern thought, and, really, the end of the Earth.

So, that’s happening. I will have my computer, but I don’t know if I’ll post at all. I didn’t post yesterday because it was a hectic morning packing and dealing with the UFC clusterfuck that happened yesterday. If you follow the UFC, they cancelled the UFC 151 event, which was scheduled for September 1st. In the middle of packing, I was trying to write a profile piece on Dan Henderson while reading that he was probably hurt. Finally at 2pm, it was announced he was hurt, which sucks, and that other wild shit took place with Jon Jones turning down a possible fight with Chael Sonnen and long story short (too late!) the card was cancelled. So, that sucked.

Anyway… I wanted to at least leave you with some lingering thoughts about the September movies that may or may not suck this coming month. It’s an interesting month that is ahead of us. September is traditionally seen as a…

DUMP MONTH!

Dump as in they dump the movies they have little faith in and dump as in they are like poop. February is the universally always dump month. Meanwhile, last year’s September featured two of the best movies that came out last year. Neither was really represented at the Oscars, but were in my opinion about the best the entire year had to offer – DRIVE and 50/50. There are some movies this month that have that type of aura around them that could be the best movie we’ve seen this year that does not feature Batman in it. Specifically, I’m thinking of “The Master”, but I’ll get to that when I get to that. This is the first of the September previews, there will be others, but you’ll have to wait for them…

BACHELORETTE

As many thought “Friends with Kids” was the follow-up to “Bridesmaids” and were WRONG. If you want something that will be the closest thing to a follow-up, it will be “Bachelorette”. The movie looks unilaterally about comedy and vulgar comedy and vulgar comedy with hot chicks saying those beautifully filthy words out of their sultry sassy mouths. Dunst, Fisher, and Caplan will play Rebel Wilson’s “Charlie’s Angels” skinny bitches bridesmaids who are looking to get drunk and curse and talk openly about casual sex in a conversational manner. The trailer has some funny parts. It’s also more of a lady’s “Hangover” than “Bridesmaids” was. I’m sure it will be funny. I’m sure it won’t be as story driven as “Bridesmaids” was. I’m not sure if that is good or bad. “Bridesmaids” got awkward, but was funny throughout. This could be funny throughout and not get awkward or it could feel unfulfilling because it’s just about people being drunk and the plot and fake-heart will seem forced, which would make it exactly like “Hangover” or at least “Hangover II”. Either way, unless this gets HORRENDOUS reviews and it turns out that this trailer is too cleverly edited and this is just a slow boring walk through New York then I’m going to see this movie. Funny chicks. Good looking chicks. Adam Scott. ’nuff said.

THE INBETWEENERS

SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!

This is being billed as England’s answer to “American Pie”. First, I don’t even know if America needed America’s answer to “American Pie” let alone the Brits. Second, has planning the Olympics taken up this much of England’s time that they couldn’t put out an “answer to ‘American Pie'” within the DECADE that “American Pie” came out in. The “American Pie” cast are senior citizens now. It was fucking forever ago! That came out in a Pre-9/11 world! Anyway, I’m not seeing this. A bunch of nerds who are on vacation come off as cool to people who don’t know they’re nerds and then hot girls take their nerd dicks and stick those nerd dicks into their hot girls vaginas. I don’t need to see that. I don’t need to root for these dopes to bang these sluts. I would sooner root for these dorks to get hit by an oncoming car because they forgot which way the cars come from over in America. U-S-A! U-S-A!

THE WORDS

I couldn’t be less interested in this movie. I have no idea what it is about and I don’t care to know. I hate the title, I hate the poster, I hate that this will be a drama of some sort or a drama thriller, and that’s that. You can find out for yourself what this movie is about. I don’t trust this cast separately and I don’t trust this cast together to put out a good movie. I just don’t like the smell of this one. Now, if the poster was a picture of Olivia Wilde and Zoe Saldana sharing a steamy shower and their toned bodies are sleek with humidity while soap bubbles and hands in strategic places to keep it from being X rated and maybe the movie’s title could be changed to “MAKE THIS FUCKING HAPPEN ALREADY!!!!!”

[REC] 3: GENESIS

If you had told me they would still be making these movies, I don’t know what I would have thought. I never saw the sequel to “[REC]” so I don’t know how it got from being a found footage horror thriller about a news reporter to possibly a chainsaw wielding, wedding dress wearing, something or other. It looks like it should be a poster for the newest “Resident Evil” debacle. I did see “[REC]” and I did like it. If you’ve never heard of it (not really surprising), “[REC]” was kind of like a found footage version of “28 Days Later” where a reporter is being filmed at an apartment building where a virus – I think – infects some of the people in it and turn them into rage monster, flesh eaters. It was an interesting movie. It had a pretty great creepy cliffhanger ending. But I never saw the sequel. “[REC]” was one of the many movies I watched at work with no audio because it was in Spanish, so there were subtitles. Definitely good and engaging. It got a horrible American remake called “Quarantine”. Either way, I just wanted to mention it. Maybe one day I’ll watch the sequels.

10 YEARS

THANK GOD! I was going through Channing Tatum withdrawal. It had been like 2 weeks since I hadn’t seen a new Channing Tatum movie! TWO WEEKS! I cannot believe I survived. Either way, this Channing Tatum movie does look decently promising. Channing and his actual wife are playing actual husband and wife in a movie about a 10 year reunion of friends and how they’ve changed. His wife hasn’t met most of these people, so it will be eye opening especially when Rosario Dawson shows up who is Channing’s old love interest and there is mysterious circumstances to why they broke up all those years ago. Either way, the rest of the cast is really good. There are a lot of guys, a lot of girls, and they all have the potential to steal scenes and make Channing’s mumbling tolerable. It’s not the whacky Channing we got from “21 Jump Street”, it’s not the naked Channing we got from “Magic Mike”, it’s not the gun shooting Channing we got from “Haywire”, it’s not the romantic Channing we got from that dumbass movie he made with Rachel McAdams that was a rip off of “50 First Dates” and what other Channing movies have their been? Either way, it looks like Channing is trying to act with his heart, which could be hilarious. So many good actors in this, I’m curious. I’m guessing it won’t be good, but I’m curious.

ARBITRAGE

Immediately, I don’t like this movie because it is Richard Gere. Not a Gere fan. Unless we’re talking about “First Knight” and I’ve seen that movie maybe 102 times. Sure “Primal Fear”, sure “The Jackal”, sure “The Mothman Prophecies”, sure “Sommersby”, sure “Days of Heaven”. Sure. I really don’t like Richard Gere, but I watch those movies when they’re on TV. I can’t help myself. Some for good reasons, some for bad reasons. I’ve seen “The Mothman Prophecies” I think 3 times or maybe 300 times and I couldn’t tell you one definitive thing from it besides I find its monotony so captivating or brainwashing. I don’t know. What’s the difference?

Anyway, let me just say, incredibly bangable cast. Not just bangable, but like really bangable. Gere? Ok. Susan Sarandon? Yep. Tim Roth? I get it. Although, he does have a stupid New York accent in this. Brit Marling? Yes and yes. And randomly enough, Laetitia Casta? HEAVENLY FATHER ABOVE – I SAY YES!!!!! YES!!!

The movie itself looks wildly skippable. It looks more like a TV movie than an actual movie or just an extended episode of “Law & Order”. I won’t see it. I do like seeing that Brit Marling is getting some work. I re-watched some of “Another Earth” the other day and she is so good in it. Oh right, the movie is about Gere being some famous CNBC, money guy who is married to Susan Sarandon, his daughter is Brit Marling, and his mistress is Laetitia Casta. In the middle of some big corporate merger or something, Gere gets into a car accident one night and kills Laetitia and he flees the scene. Tim Roth is a NY detective who is trying to figure out what happened. See it or don’t see it. Whatever.

LIBERAL ARTS

THIS MOVIE! I’m 99% positive I mentioned this movie awhile back in passing when talking about Elizabeth Olsen. I was looking up her what’s coming up movies and this was one of them. I mentioned that the movie seemed an awful lot like Josh Radnor’s all-in push to fuck Elizabeth Olsen. He’s the writer, he’s the director, he’s the main character, and he’s got Elizabeth Olsen trying to slob his knob in the movie. It’s like he completely put this altogether like the longest first date ever to get Olsen in bed and to that… Sir Radnor, I tip my cap to you. The movie itself? I wouldn’t watch with a gun to my head. I like Olsen a lot and all, but Radnor? C’mon! You kidding me with this garbage. I’m 99% positive this is just a ripoff of “Garden State” with Braff’s name scratched out and Radnor’s written in. I can’t wait until I’m in my 30’s and just kind of sad, but twenty something hot chicks cannot keep their hands off my dong. That’s what happens, right? You get into your 30’s and you get depressing because of all the things you never did or weren’t courageous enough to try and that somehow translates into a pheromone that makes hot young chicks just sopping wet. Like they’re perpetually walking on a slip-n-slide because it’s just so fucking hot meeting some cynical 30’s guy who really isn’t any closer to accomplishing his dreams than when he was 20. It’s like they can’t stick that failure dick in their mouth fast enough! Right?

THE MASTER

Yes.

I will see any and all movies that Paul Thomas Anderson is preparing to make throughout the rest of his life. I have loved, LOVED, all of his movies thus far. He makes magnificent engrossing films. Regardless of storyline or cast, I would see something made by PTA. It just so happens that this is a very interesting sounding storyline and an excellent cast. I have nothing else to say besides that I’m expecting this to be the best movie I have seen up until this point this year that doesn’t have Batman in it. And it will probably be my favorite movie of the year, I’m guessing and hoping. Those are my expectations and I feel comfortable that PTA will meet them. Here is the plot…

After returning from the Second World War, having witnessed many horrors, a charismatic intellectual creates a faith based organization in an attempt to provide meaning to his life. He becomes known as “The Master”. His right-hand man, a former drifter, begins to question both the belief system and The Master as the organization grows and gains a fervent following.

The cast is Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix, Amy Adams, and, of course – my boy, Rami Malek.

Official trailer…

Teaser #1…

Teaser #2…

And there is a 3rd teaser out there somewhere, but apparently I cannot find it on youtube at this moment.

Anyway, it looks great.

And I will end on a high note for the week and possibly for a week in general.

I will have the rest of the movies’ previews up sometime in the not-too-distant future.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I hope everyone has a great next week.

I hope everyone has a great Labor Day weekend.

I’ll talk to you when I talk to you.

I love you?

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And the answer is…

SEMEN!

The more the better!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2190863/Semen-good-womens-health-helps-fight-depression.html

The article’s headline is…

Semen is ‘good for women’s health and helps fight depression’

Who knew there was a cure all in my penis?!

Let’s take a gander at the clinical research that is unquestionably flawless mandatory advice that you should be following from now on… my comments will be in this and the article will be in bold.

Oral sex is good for women’s health and makes you feel happier, according to a study which studied the effects of semen’s ‘mood-altering chemicals’.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Followed by a series of…

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

God bless doctors, you know. Sometimes we think of doctors as evil black magic wielding overlords who are trying to nickel and dime us until we’re in the poor house, and then other times they’re absolutely the greatest fucking people who live on this fucking planet. Of course, women should be ingesting more semen! That’s a study we should be doing! AIDS is a thing of the past and so is cancer really, so let’s get down to the real scientific studies like getting chicks to swallow more jizz… for SCIENCE!

Who are these beautiful fucking doctors who came up with this brilliance?

The State University of New York study – which scientists carried out via survey rather than through practical experiment – compared the sex lives of 293 females to their mental health.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

I will say it is a little distressing to read that there was no practical experimenting done, but, at the same time, if there was that type of “practical experimenting” done and it was as close as New York and I wasn’t involved then I would’ve been fucking pissed. Seriously, I’m overflowing with the stuff! I have so much of it that I don’t know what to do with it anymore. If I could run my car on my own splooge, I would drive to the Southern most tip of Chile with no fucking problem – just need a picture or two of those two Jenner— errr… Sofia Vergara and I’ll be fine.

It follows research which shows that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevates mood, increases affection, induces sleep and also contains at least three anti-depressants.

Yep. Yep. And… yep.

I have a genuine question, what are the three anti-depressants? That will make it even more amazing for a guy to use that as a pick-up line.

Oh, I see you are taking Effexor. Well guess what, I’ve got an Effexor generic leaking out of my dong if you want some.

Also, I have a follow-up question, I know that semen is affected by what one eats, so if you’re on an anti-depressant that’s not already in your baby batter will that now be added to it? Like let’s say Zoloft isn’t in my spunk which let’s say is pretty unlikely because of how amazing dude’s spunk is – can I take Zoloft additionally and then Zoloft is in my spunk? That’s what I’m saying. I think it’s possible. NEW STUDY! Let’s get that one going. That would be just cost saving to the nth degree at that point. You find a lady who also needs to take Zoloft. Only need one prescription now with the whole – honey, it’s time to take your medicine. AM I RIGHT?! WOOOO!!! I LOVE SCIENCE!

The researchers also claim that women who have regular unprotected sex are less depressed and perform better on cognitive tests.

WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m sexing you smart! Who knew?!

I’m nowhere near done and I’m already claiming this to be the greatest study I’ve ever read in my life!

Semen contains another of chemicals along with spermatozoa, including cortisol, which is known to increase affection, estrone, which elevates mood and oxytocin, which also elevates mood.

It also contains thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent), and even serotonin (perhaps the best-known antidepressant neurotransmitter).

That is quite the jism cocktail.

Given these ingredients – and this is just a small sample of the mind-altering ‘drugs’ found in human semen – Researchers Gallup and Burch, along with the psychologist Steven Platek, hypothesised that women having unprotected sex should be less depressed than suitable control participants.

Oh yeah, they “hypothesised”… IN THEIR PANTS! AM I RIGHT?!

To investigate whether semen has antidepressant effects, the authors rounded up 293 college females from the university’s Albany campus, who agreed to fill out an anonymous questionnaire about various aspects of their sex lives.

Hey, you like a slut… errr an interesting 21st century lady. How much condomless D are you getting stuck in that vagina? Also, spit or swallow? And could you quantify in liters how much of the stuff you’re being hosed down with nightly? Thank you. FOR SCIENCE!

Recent sexual activity without condoms was used as an indirect measure of seminal plasma circulating in the woman’s body.

Each participant also completed the Beck Depression Inventory, a commonly used clinical measure of depressive symptoms.

The most significant findings from this study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, were that, even after adjusting for frequency of sexual intercourse, women who engaged in sex and ‘never’ used condoms showed significantly fewer depressive symptoms than did those who ‘usually’ or ‘always’ used condoms.

Even chicks don’t like condoms. We need to take this study to the people of Trojan and show them how they are depressing the shit out of everyone! EVERYONE!

Of course, chicks don’t like condoms. I mean no man I know likes having sex with a trash bag over his wang, so there’s no reason why a girl would enjoy being sodomized with one. Common sense.

Importantly, these chronically condom-less, sexually active women also evidenced fewer depressive symptoms than did those who abstained from sex altogether.

No shit. Of course, they’re depressed. They haven’t had a D thrown in them for like ever.

The even better study would be if they found the sexual partners these chicks are whoring it up with and started rating them on looks. Or how good the guy or gal is in bed? Or how they had sex? What positions? Pile driver? Did they listen to smooth jazz while doing it? Real scientific stuff.

By contrast, sexually active heterosexual women, including self-described ‘promiscuous’ women, who used condoms were just as depressed as those practicing total abstinence.

We referred to that category as “sad sluts”.

The research suggests it is not just that women who are having sex are simply happier, but that happiness levels might be related to the quantity of semen within their body.

FUCKING SCIENCE!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Here’s a side bar to the article…

‘THE BENEFITS OF SEMEN’

Other recent findings from Gallup’s laboratory suggest that semen-exposed women perform better on concentration and cognitive tasks and that women’s bodies can detect ‘foreign’ semen that differs from their long-term or recurrent sexual partner’s signature semen.

It’s like your vagina is a fucking X-Men character. Or my boner is an X-Men and my super power is my jizz.

Hmmmm… well in all total honesty, I’m 100% sure that’s how all guys feel about their dongs as is. But it’s nice to know that the study believes it too.

Signature Semen would be an excellent name for a band.

I have absolutely no clue how they did this test or figured this stuff out in anyway, but I would guess that blindfolding the chick and having her done by her signature semen dude and then done by some lucky stud wasn’t how it was done. I’m just guessing the chick would know the difference in that scenario.

They suggest the ability to detect foreign sources is an evolved system that often leads to unsuccessful pregnancies – via greater risk of preeclampsia – because it signals a disinvested male partner who is not as likely to provide for the offspring.

BOOM! You don’t have to wear condoms anymore when you’re cheating on your man with strange D’s. That’s good to know. Condoms can get expensive if you’re trolling the streets just getting dogged by everyone plus you’re super depressed because you haven’t had an unsheathed D in you in forever.

Also, I absolutely love calling some strange D a “disinvested male partner” because that’s the fucking truth. If a lady is boning some dude for so long he has become her body has evolved into understanding that as her signature semen and she gets drunk at some bar and takes some D in her from an illegal bus boy or a cover band’s bassist – “disinvested male partner” is the EXACT name for them.

Their findings also suggest that women who have unprotected sex with their partners – and therefore are getting regularly inseminated by them – experience more significant depression on breaking up with these men than those who were not as regularly exposed to an ex’s semen, and that they also go on the rebound faster in seeking new sexual partners.

FUCKING WHAT?! That may be the greatest part of this entire thing… CHICKS GET ADDICTED TO SEMEN!

UNBELIEVABLE! A girl can get addicted to a particular dude’s semen that they now need to get anyone’s semen in them to chase the dragon. I fucking love it. Also, I like that that will now be added to my conversational pool of things to say when a long term couple breaks up and the girl is now single. She’s obviously going to rebound real quick because she’s addicted to semen… scientifically speaking – she’s seeking a new signature semen.

I LOVE SCIENCE!

I had a shitty night’s sleep filled with weird and wild dreams. For instance, I fought Denis Leary and Barry Sonnenfeld in a public shower like in the movie “Easter Promises” except we didn’t use knives – we used Corona bottles. Yep.

I was the naked Viggo Mortensen, but taller with slightly less tattoos. They were the random suited up Russian thugs. If you are concerned about the outcome… I fucked them up. Caught both of them early by throwing beer bottles right to the bridge of their respective nose. I pitched those fastballs like I was Sandy Koufax! Jewish and strong armed. It really only got worse from there for them. They can take a wild ass kicking, I’ll tell you that.

You may have had more restful dreams than I did last night, but either way I think everyone needs a pump-up on this Tuesday to get you motivated for the rest of this stupid day and for the rest of the stupid week. AM I RIGHT?!

Cue the music… (read the following modern poetry and take it to heart because… you are… the best… around)

Try to be best
‘Cause you’re only a man (or a woman)
And a man’s (or a woman’s) gotta learn to take it

Try to believe
Though the going gets rough
That you gotta hang tough to make it

History repeats itself
Try and you’ll succeed

Never doubt that you’re the one
And you can have your dreams!

You’re the best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own

Fight ‘til the end
Cause your life will depend
On the strength that you have inside you

Ah you gotta be proud
starin’ out in the cloud
When the odds in the game defy you

Try your best to win them all
and one day time will tell
when you’re the one that’s standing there
you’ll reach the final bell!

You’re the best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ho-how-ho-own

INSPIRING GUITAR SOLO

You’re the best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own

Fight ‘til you drop
never stop
can’t give up
Til you reach the top (FIGHT!)
you’re the best in town (FIGHT!)
Listen to that sound
A little bit of all you got
Can never bring you down

You’re the best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!

repeat to fade, occasional background shouts of “Oh Ye-eah!”

Thank you to alex@letrascanciones.org for his gifted transcription of this truly inspiring message.

You are the best around.

Nothing is ever going to keep you down.

Why?

Because you’re the best around.

This world is fucking crazy.

It’s difficult to define how I feel like talking about this because my thoughts are simply…

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Sure that is a decent enough reaction to this news, but for the readers out there – you the readers – who have gotten used to 1,000 words or even 2,000 words of hilarious one-sided dialogue, the WHAT THE FUCK?! response kind of comes up short. I would think. Or maybe that’s all there really needs to be said. I suppose I can trickle in more than a couple monosyllabic exclamations ended with a vulgarity. Also, I’m too big of a fan of this man and what he created to just say one yelling phrase, but it is honestly how I feel.

Last night, director Tony Scott killed himself by jumping off a bridge.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I didn’t know Tony Scott, obviously, but I was a fan of Tony Scott’s movies like most. Maybe people don’t know directors’ names like they should because they are the ones who truly craft these movies that we all see. The actors get most of the praise, but the directors are the ones pulling the strings. Tony Scott made some excellent movies. There was actually a stretch from the 80’s to near the end of the 90’s (over a decade) where Tony Scott was untouchable as a director. Just great movie after great movie. I have no idea why he killed himself and it wouldn’t change anything if I did. It’s sad that he did and it’s sad that for the rest of us who only knew him through his movies that we will not get to experience more of his usually great movies.

Personal favorites that I think most people also love as well…

“The Hunger” (1983) – it’s David Bowie as a vampire, could you ask for anything more?

“Top Gun” (1986) – Perfect movie. Absolutely flawless movie.

“Beverly Hills Cop II” (1987) – Solid follow-up to a great first movie.

“Days of Thunder” (1990) – Excellent movie. Rubbing is racing.

“The Last Boy Scout” (1991) – One of my favorite action movies of all time. It has easily some of my favorite moments, characters, dialogue sequences, and performances in an action movie. Absolutely one of my favorite scenes in any action movie or movie in general is Bruce Willis killing Kim Coates with a palm strike to the nose. Terrific movie.

“True Romance” (1993) – One of the most underrated gems. Quentin Tarantino written, Tony Scott directed. It’s an excellent 90’s action movie filled with captivating dialogue and just intense performances from all the actors. It’s graphic violence with a sense of humor and heart, which is kind of unheard of.

“Crimson Tide” (1995) – It’s just fucking great. What else is there to say.

“The Fan” (1996) – In-fucking-tense. I’m cursing now because it’s crazy to think that these movies basically all came out in a row. So good.

“Enemy of the State” (1998) – Great. Even greater as it ages because every year there is at least a few movies that try to replicate what they did in this movie and failed.

“Deja Vu” (2006) – I feel like a lot of people missed this movie and it is a good movie. High concept movie, but done very well.

I skipped one movie because I wanted to put it last… Last on a list for emphasis… Emphasis over “Top Gun”, “Days of Thunder”, “True Romance”, “The Last Boy Scout”, and so, which are movies I love…

“Man on Fire” (2004)

That movie was a revelation. It was a modern classic of revenge. It’s a western set in present time. It’s just incredible. Emotional, action-packed, and flawless.

Tony Scott will be missed, but not forgotten.

If you have netflix or an account with any of those streaming sites or take a look ondemand, watch some Tony Scott movies if you’ve never seen them or haven’t seen them in awhile.

I’ve seen most of the movies mentioned upwards of a dozen times each and a couple of them maybe more. And I know that these movies aren’t particularly old, but movies/music/art in general ages very quickly. Also, Tony Scott mostly made action movies and action movies can age very quickly because technology is growing by leaps and bounds nowadays. But what doesn’t age, what doesn’t change through new technology is quality filmmaking.

This past weekend, I saw “The Expendables 2”. It was awful. The first one was awful as well. Why are these movies so bad? Is it because they’re using the wrong actors? Or doesn’t have enough money? Or is it my expectations are too high? No. It’s because the people making “The Expendables” couldn’t care any less about the movie being good. Is the story line too high concept? Hardly. It’s iconic action stars teaming together to defeat bad guys and yet the movie is awful because they’re not trying to make something good. They’re just trying to sell tickets. It’s a shame.

It’s easy to see whether the filmmakers care when they’re making these movies. It oozes out of the movie. It oozes out of the performances. It oozes out of how engaging the movie is. You can sense when something was rushed or slapped together or that a bunch of scenes were shot hastily because they only had the actors for a day or two. That’s not good enough. You shouldn’t be able to tell that an actor was on set for only 48 hours. But every second someone appears on screen that isn’t Sly or Statham it feels like they squeezed in the scene between breakfast and lunch before Chuck Norris or Arnold or whoever had to fly back to their real life and do something that they actually care about.

You don’t get that feeling watching the movies I mentioned before. If you want to see Bruce Willis, the REAL Bruce Willis, then don’t see crap like “The Expendables” see “The Last Boy Scout”. It’s one of the best Bruce Willis action movies and 90’s action movies in general. Or watch Denzel being a monster badass in “Man on Fire” or see Tom Cruise back when people openly loved Tom Cruise. Great movies, all of them.

 

Good afternoon, campers and camperettes!

Last night, I saw a video. A video that I instantly fell in love with and watched countless times. A video that is not pornography as you have so crassly expected it to be in your filthy minds. In fact, the video is safe for work, if you can believe that. Also, depends on where you work. There’s no cursing or nudity, but there is Lady Gaga and Romanians, and I’m sure there are a few offices in the world where neither are allowed.

BOOM!

More like, DAMN!

Like, “DAMN, SON! YOU JUST GOT JACKED THE FUCK UP!”

That was absolutely my favorite video I’ve watched this week and I’ve seen some good videos this week. I saw a video of a young lady getting her b-hole tattooed and she referred to herself as “I’m 22. Deuce deuce!” I was not expecting any video to top that one for a long while, but I was wrong. A mere deuce days later and here we are with Lady Gaga’s security going all Liam Neeson in “Taken” on some dude’s ass. Just BLAM BLAM! Your head against the glass, your head under my ass (or knee to be specific).

I love this video. I love that this is someone’s life. I don’t condone living a life like this in the least, but for every person who says that this is a “small world” let me ask you this:

When was the last time you were a middle aged man wearing a fanny pack hiding in the revolving elevator of a high priced hotel waiting for a pop singer to appear in the lobby and for you to jump out and snag an autograph on your 1920’s reporter’s style spiral notebook and when your plan is set into motion and you spring from your hiding spot you are caught immediately by a man in a suit who is half your age and in better physical shape than you will ever be in in your lifetime and they are also ready to kill you and they grab your existence and slam you and your head against the revolving door you were just hiding behind and then throw you to the floor and pin your head and neck to the ground with their knee and shin bone, which all ends with you brushing yourself off and exiting the hotel to continue leading whatever oddity of a life you were leading that led you to the prior 20 second interaction with angry bodyguard?

Also, I really like that Lady Gaga’s one bodyguard looks like a professional wrestler mixed with a male model and then the other one looks like a rabid Joel McHale. Seriously, McHale fucks that dude’s world up. So much so, that when the big dude comes over, he immediately is like, “Whoa! Joel’s got this. Doesn’t need me interfering because he’s got this. I’ll try to make use of my 6’6″-ness and politely usher Lady Gaga along.”

I bet that was a fun night of drinking Stellas. Remember when you bashed that dude’s face into the glass?! Just part of the job. Really?! Fucking some pathetic Romanian guy’s world up who only was carrying a notepad? That’s an amazing job we have.

I’m not saying the guy used excessive force or anything. In all honesty, in situations like that with the background of fear knowledge we have on crazy fans doing crazy things to the celebrities that they crazily love – you have to react quickly and not worry if it is a notebook or something else entirely that could be used as a weapon instead of a flimsy spiral bound notebook. And the guy walked away completely fine. I’m sure he lost some dignity down there, but I’m sure there wasn’t much dignity to lose when the guy is already hiding in a revolving door and wearing a fanny pack and willing to risk life and limb to get a Gaga autograph.

Also, fuck that guy. He was trying to cut in line and got fucked up. I wish that’s what happened to all people that cut in line. A wild eyed Joel McHale man handles them into a plexiglass wall and pins them to the ground with his knee.

Lastly, my favorite supporting character in this award winning video is the hotel doorman who gives the most half-hearted gesture for the guy to leave as if the guy was going to stay. Also, that old doorman doesn’t do a damn when that guy jumps out. “Taken” is on that guy before that old man even notices the guy is even there. BAM! AMERICA!

Either way, I hope you all have a great weekend.

Get into some stuff. Get sleazy. Make it memorable.

See you, Monday.

Everyone in the world was at the Surf Club last night seeing THE ONE and THE ONLY – The Marshall Tucker Band.

When I mean everyone, I mean an entire below average, but big bar filled with New Jersey’s middle-aged finest who have “tanned” themselves the color of Mars. I’m talking husbands and wives who have lobster colored skin and are going to tie one on because it’s a Wednesday night and the Tucker crew is rolling through.

Sure, no one in their right mind can name more than 2 songs by the fabulous Marshall Tucker Band, but that’s not stopping any of them from having a good time or me either for that matter. Honestly, “Heard it in a love song” was not on my musical radar before yesterday. I only knew of the existence of that song because I knew “Can’t You See”, but was curious what else these guys sang and wikipedia explained to me that “Heard it in a love song” was also a big deal. I’ll take your word for it, wikipedia.

I was there for “Can’t You See” as well as to people watch and get hammered and all of that was accomplished.

WOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I sang and “WOOO!!!!”-ed myself hoarse during “Can’t You See”. But before we get to what was the final song of their set prior to their numerous encores, let me try to explain what I witnessed for about an hour into the lead-up of the only song I knew.

It was great because it was terrible. Terrible is harsh actually. Some members of the band were severely carrying the weight of the others. If I had any control over the band, the lead singer would’ve been fired last night because he didn’t sing. I don’t think I wanted to actually hear him sing, but he didn’t sing, so what’s the point.

What complete caught me off guard was the flute playing. Did you know The Marshall Tucker Band had a ton of flute in it? I don’t know how I blocked this out, but The Marshall Tucker Band has A LOT of flute playing in it. They’re Jethro Tull meets the Allman Brothers. So, that was surprising watching numerous flute solos. And those solos, more ridiculous than the one from “Anchorman”.

The people at the show – which there were a ton of people there – were getting DRUNK. And, probably the drunkest people there were The Marshall Tucker Band. I’m not sure which guys are the few remaining original members or at least have been in the band for a long time, but the lead singer is a fat mess who can’t sing. He plays more tambourine than sings and he’s the lead singer. They have two hit songs “Can’t You See” and “Heard it in a Love Song”. He doesn’t sing either one of them. They either have the crowd sing it or he has the rhythm guitarist sing it (who later was too drunk to play his guitar, so a guitar tech came on stage and played it for him) or the hardest working man in their band – the keyboardist/flute player/saxophone player – would sing it. The latter who did everything, we were calling the Swiss Army Knife of The Marshall Tucker Band. The bassist was stuck in one position the entire time with his back up against the speaker stack. The lead guitarist played well, but disappeared more or less in the second half of the show once that guitar tech came on because now that guy became the lead guitarist. And, you couldn’t see the drummer, but he was no Tommy Lee – I’ll say that.

Many times the lead singer would just wonder off stage for 5 minute breaks while the band would proceed to solo and solo and solo. They played 6 songs in the first hour they were on stage, which was impressive because they really did no banter between audience and them or each other. During “Can’t You See” they pulled some floozie up on stage. I would also guess she’s a floozie they brought there. Either way, the woman was doing 10x more work than the lead singer who didn’t sing. She was dancing, wearing provocative clothing, and played a mean tambourine. I sang myself near hoarse during “Can’t You See”.

“Can’t You See” is undeniably a great song. Whether sung by a professional or a bar of boozed up middle-aged people looking like they are from a 1950’s western dressed in red face to turn white people into the savage Indians. The lyrics speak the truth to all of us…

I’m gonna take a freight train down at the station, Lord
I don’t care where it goes
Gonna climb a mountain, the highest mountain, Lord
And gonna jump off, ain’t nobody gonna know
Can’t you see, oh, can’t you see,
What that woman, Lord
She been doin’ to me
Can’t you see, oh, can’t you see
What that woman, been doin’ to me

I feel you, brother. A woman has driven this man to suicide and/or abandoning all the life that he knows. He’s going to either take a train to the ends of the Earth just to get away or he’s willing to plummet to his mortal demise from the tallest mountain. Why? Because of what “she been doin’ to me”. I think we all can relate.

I’m gonna find me a hole in the wall,
I’m gonna crawl inside and die
’Cause my lady, now a mean old woman, Lord
Never told me goodbye
Can’t you see, oh, can’t you see,
What that woman she been doin’ to me
Can’t you see, oh, can’t you see,
What that woman, she been doin’ to me

Literally, literal lyrics at this point. No need for poetry or metaphors or allegories in woe is me tale from The Marshall Tucker Band. The man is going to find a hole in a wall to crawl inside and die because his lady, now a mean old woman, just will never leave him alone. It’s that bad. It’s THAT bad. And then the call for help, the pleading to the Lord above. Can’t you see? Oh! Can’t you see?! What that woman, she been doin’ to me.

I’m gonna buy me a ticket as far as I can,
I ain’t never comin’ back
I’m gonna take me that south-bound,
All the way to Georgia now,
‘Till the train it run out of track
Can’t you see, oh, can’t you see,
What that woman, she been doin’ to me
Can’t you see, oh, can’t you see,
What that woman, what she been doin’ to me

The last stanza shows a little hope that our everyman may have given up on suicide. He put a suicide to his suicide thoughts. Now, he’s a little more clear minded and he’s planning on at least taking a train to the Southern most parts of Georgia, which I believe is Florida. I might be wrong on that, but I think the farthest South you can get in Georgia is Florida. Anyway, agree to disagree – when in Rome. But we all understand this man’s burden and the burden is a bad woman. And a bad woman is a burden worth singing about.

They must’ve played the chorus 25 times if they played it once, and I sang it every fucking time. CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! ONE MORE TIME!!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! ANOTHER TIME!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! ONE MORE TIME?!!!! … and that was when I yelled back, I’LL SING THIS TO MIDNIGHT, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!! … it was 11:30, so 30 minutes is awhile to sing a chorus… CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! ONE LAST TIME!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?! WOOOOOO!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!! WOOOO!!! WHAT THAT WOMAN!!!!! SHE BEEN DOIN’ TO ME!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! WOOOO!!!! WOOOOO!!! WOOOO!!! Woooo…

I’m ready to go home now.

Outside of that, a couple of friends of mine almost got us into a fight with the bouncer(s) and/or never let into the place within 10 seconds of us being there. We got a talking to like we were 5 years old. We get inside the place, a guy issues a warning to my friend for accidentally slightly bumping into the guy’s wife. Another friend knocked over a guy’s beer accidentally as well and the guy wanted to kill him. And, the best moment of the night, was my friend’s cousin (who is in late 40’s or 50’s and is so Jersey tan right now he’s actually African black) yells at a guy who is wearing a tye dye cut off t-shirt and the guy doesn’t respond, so he starts yelling “Hey, Larry Bird rookie card in mint condition!” at him because the guy did have that young Larry Bird flowing white blonde hair. It was hilarious.

So, go see The Marshall Tucker Band. Watch out for fights, but have fun making a fool of yourself. CAN’T YOU SEE?!!!!

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