AUGUST MOVIES – The Many, The Random, The Mostly Forgettable – part III
August 7, 2012
It’s been so long… yes, it’s been so long!
I’ve been putting out fires with gasoline…
I’ve been PUTTING OUT FIRES… with…
Thank you. Thank you. That was my textual rendition of David Bowie’s glorious tune “Cat People”, which many of you may not know from the movie entitled “Cat People” where the song originates, but you may remember it from its clever usage in “Inglorious Basterds” by Quentin Tarantino during the pre-movie theater fire climax when Melanie Laurent as Shoshanna is getting dressed for her grand finale.
I’m going to finally finish up the August movies that look so absolutely unwatchable and wildly skippable. But I’m a slave to giving my thoughts about them. As of right now, I really only want to see “The Campaign” which is opening up Friday. I think I will see “Cosmopolis” if it plays near me and fits into my schedule. I’ll definitely end up see “The Expendables 2” because I just love Jean Claude Van Damme. The first “Expendables” sucked and I saw it because I love the burly American heroes in the movie, but they did me wrong by making a bad action movie. But JCVD wasn’t in that movie, but is in the sequel, so I’ll give the sequel a chance. Outside of that? I’ve got no clue.
Let me tell you two things off the bat about this movie that are 100% true that I’ve learned just by looking at the poster:
1. No one will ever remember that the movie titled “Premium Rush” is about Joseph Gordon Levitt as a bike messenger.
2. If the movie was titled “Ride Like Hell” instead then 85% more people would see this movie that will tank.
I’m willing to make a pretty blatant, but I’m guessing correct guess that Joseph Gordon Levitt made this movie way before he was the second Batman and/or Robin in “The Dark Knight Rises” as well as Michael Shannon as General Zod in Superman’s movie “Man of Steel” next year. I feel like this is one of those movies that has been sitting on the shelf and has only been revived because their careers have thankfully gone the up and up without the help of shitty movies like a bike messenger being chased through New York City. There’s a chance this movie could’ve been cool if it was also a time-traveler and pretty dated Christian Slater’s “Gleaming the Cube” (my personal favorite) or paired itself with the invention of the X-Games which I believe started in the late 1860’s.
No one wants to see Joseph Gordon Levitt riding a bike looking like a doofus and trying to act serious. From my time working in New York City, bike messengers were revered sexual predators and one tried to sexually assault a middle age woman co-worker in an elevator in the middle of the day. Is that who I’m rooting for Levitt to get all method to be? Even the fan girls of JGL will be skipping this movie for a repeat showing of “500 Days of Summer” with their trusty rabbit vibrator.
ROBOT & FRANK
This movie could be cute. Could be. Cute. That’s all I’m going to give it. It has a storyline that should be better than cute, but the delivery and style in the trailer makes me think that cute is all I’m going to get. I’m not here to see cute. Unless, I’m drunk or tricked into seeing the movie because of sex. Robot movies should be more than cute. If you’re thinking Wall-E was just cute then you missed the other 85% of the movie which was pure genius. It was cute, but it wasn’t only cute. Either way, I and any rational man including Tim Robbins would still bang Susan Sarandon. I wonder when that will end. We’re getting dangerously close to 70. She turns 66 in a couple months. What does that have to do with this movie? Not much. At best this seems like a rental. I think everyone including the people who made it can wait until this is an impulse on demand choice for free in a few months.
SLEEPWALK WITH ME
The movie looks alright, but probably won’t play near anyone of you live. Either way, I just want to mention that the guy in the picture who is the main character, writer, and maybe even the director is Mike Birbiglia. You should look into that guy. Mike is a stand-up comic and has been a very funny one for years now. His stand-up turned into books and a one man show on Broadway and from the books and one man show on Broadway we now have this movie. If you can see it then see it, but more importantly you should check out his stand-up. Mike Birbiglia.
Speaking of stand-up: I read that Tig Notaro has cancer and did the funniest stand-up set about it. I am a big Tig Notaro fan and didn’t know anything about all the tragedies that have happened recently in her life. Meanwhile, she’s still one of the best comics out there. First you should read this… http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/54654/comedian-tig-notaro-thank-you-thank-you-i-have-cancer-thank-you-i-have-cancer-really-thank-you
And second or maybe do this first… I don’t know… it’s your life… free country… and all… WATCH THIS…
I hope she gets better obviously because I’m a human being and we should all be hoping for the best for other human beings. But I’m also selfishly hoping she gets better because she is fucking hilarious and I like to laugh and she makes me laugh.
Back to shitty movies.
Let me start by saying, I love John Hillcoat and I actually LOVE Nick Cave. I’m not saying I would have gay sex with Nick Cave, but in all honesty I would think about it. IT’S NICK CAVE! Those two geniuses plus Guy Pearce and Danny Huston and several other actors from Australia made a movie called “The Proposition” together. It was magnificent. Now a few years later, the gang of those three are back together, but they’ve added a new supporting cast – Tom Hardy, Jessica Chastain… AND… the fucking dope in the poster above… Shia LaBeouf. Shia ruins this whole movie for me. The trailer itself doesn’t help much either. Where “The Proposition” was a western in the truest sense of barren landscapes, bloody massacres, and also seemed like a personal philosophical tale of revenge… this movie looks like a movie built on a Hollywood set and everyone is playing dress up cops and robbers. Shia is the worst. I wish I could be excited for this movie, but it looks cheap.
FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL…
Have you ever wondered what the chick looks like who has penis into vagina sex with Seth Rogen? Yeah, me neither, but it’s the dark haired girl to the left who looks a little like Sarah Silverman in that poster. The other chick is Ari Graynor who falls into that Hebrew School hottie category of life as the previously mentioned lady does. The movie is the first for Lauren Miller, the lady who has sex with Seth Rogen, and she wrote it and produced it and stars in it. The story is pretty simple that these two chicks decide to make a phone sex line to make extra cash. Spike Lee made a movie years ago called “Girl 6” which is a good movie more or less about the same thing with a lot more ethnically diverse cast and I would imagine a better movie overall. That movie was very stereotypically Spike Lee where it starts out strong and then by some point Spike Lee loses his mind and the movie veers into some crazy zone and finally comes back to the beginning where it all started. I’m not really excited for this white Jewess version of “Girl 6” even though I’m a big fan of Jewess’ including Ari Graynor, but seriously? At best this looks like something I watch when hungover on my couch like an Anna Faris movie and I’m like ‘not bad’. It looks very paint by numbers and unless they act out these scenes of phone sex then it is going to get pretty repetitive. Also, Justin Long? I know there are girls out there that like this dude, but he is probably the furthest thing from a legitimate love interest to me as a man picking from men to fake have sex with women in movies and be happy about it. Not leading man material nor has been and probably never will be.
Does anyone want to see Kyra Sedgwick in a horror movie?
I didn’t think so.
THE TALL MAN
Remember Jessica Biel? Oof. People complain that Hollywood gives people jobs based on looks. That’s true. But I will say that unless you’re talented or at the very least very savvy you will not continue working good jobs in Hollywood. A pretty face isn’t enough. A pretty face an incredible body and an ass like Rosie Perez in “Do the Right Thing” didn’t help Jessica Biel’s career enough to get her in more than a couple good movies. “The Tall Man” might as well not have a title at all. It’s some dude trying to kill Jessica Biel. Do you want to see that? Then go see this movie. The storyline is nothing more than what I said – dude trying to kill Jessica Biel. “Fear takes a new shape”? HAHAHAHAH. The shape being a “tall man”. Yeah, that sounds really “new”. Never had a tall psychopathic killer in a movie before. Stupid. Anyway, Jessica Biel is still gorgeous and is making it legal with Justin Timberlake, so I guess she wins if that’s your sort of thing.
That’s the month of August. I wouldn’t see any of these movies in a theater that I just previewed and neither should you… unless it is the Mike Birbiglia movie because why not – the dude is funny.
So September, huh? Is it possible that the last month of Summer movies is worse than the renowned “dump month”? It happened last year. Last year, two of my favorite movies of the year came out in September – “50/50” and “Drive”. I doubt that type of magic will happen again this year, but we’ll see.