Miscellaneous Moments Mor Mednesday… M’kay?

August 8, 2012

First, I just reported this sordid tale for Sunday to some friends…

On Sunday night, I stopped at the 7-11 in Morristown, NJ to get a Gatorade and what is standing outside of it?
 
A pimp and a hooker.
 
The pimp is as expected – a black guy dressed like LL Cool J in the 80’s. The hooker is in a tight short dress and is wiping her arm pits down with those wetnaps you get when eat buffalo wings at a restaurant.
 
The pimp stopped a guy leaving the 7-11, as I was walking in, who was by himself and getting into his car by himself. I was in the store for a minute or 2 tops and when I came out, the guy, the pimp, and the hooker were gone.
 
I can only assume that the guy who picked up the hooker is currently an STD statistic.
 
While I’m thinking about the subject, shouldn’t Valtrex hire a bunch of people who have herpes to go out there and get freaky – like The Situation – and create more customers? Or is that what is already happening without Valtrex intervening because people can’t help themselves from getting roped into that lifestyle like how smoking continues to grow even though the government tries its best to shut it down and there is no smoking advertisements on TV?
Pretty good story, am I right?
——–I watched Lolo Jones cry this morning on the Today Show on NBC.

To put it mildly, I was not happy to see that. LOLO JONES IS AN ANGEL! AND WE ARE LUCKY JUST TO LOOK UPON HER FACE AND/OR HER UNTHINKABLY DEFINED ABS!

I did not read the New York Times catty nonsense bullshit article that was written trying to hurt Lolo Jones. Well guess the fuck what? You accomplished your Satanic mission! You hurt Lolo Jones!

Truly I do think this was despicable for the New York Times to write and run an article purely to try and poke at the celebrity of an American athlete just a couple days before their one and only Olympic event. That’s insane that they did that. I would think that it was stupid if they did that about a foreign athlete as well, but it’s worse that arguably the most heralded newspaper in your own country is writing smear campaigns against you and the only thing you did wrong was have a funny twitter account. Seriously, New York Times should be forced to have anal sex with The Situation’s herpes while listening to him tell you about his burgeoning career as a vodka salesman and actor. FUCK YOU, NYT!

As for Lolo, I know the Olympics did not work out how she wanted nor did the 2008 Olympics either. All I can think as a consolation is that she’s beautiful, has more money now than she did previously, and millions of people have crushes on her, so she’ll have a pretty good pick of the litter when deciding to break her vaginal seal for that first time. I’m sure things will turn out well for Lolo Jones. Her life story up until this point has been about her overcoming many obstacles in life and she has done so with grace. I’ll take a wild gamble and say she’ll continue to do that from here on out as well.

——-

FOOT! BALL! … say it with me… FOOT! BALL!

Last night, HBO’s series “Hard Knocks” started. If you haven’t seen it then it is a show following an NFL football team for 5 weeks during their training camp and preseason before the NFL season starts. They choose one team and this team this year is the Mighty Miami Ballphins aka the Miami Dolphins.

The star of the first episode to me were the wives.

First and foremost, the Miami Dolphins have one of those “quarterback controversies” going into this season. They have 3 quarterbacks who could arguably be the starting quarterback: Matt Moore, David Garrard, and Ryan Tannehill.

As HBO introduced us to the three of these men, we knew one thing for certain – Ryan Tannehill has a pretty blonde wife. We knew that! At this year’s NFL draft, Tannehill’s pretty blonde wife completely stole the show and people could not stop talking about her online. We knew going in that we’re going to see some pretty blonde wife-ness from Tannehill.

But the question was, what would we get from Moore and Garrard?

TWO OTHER PRETTY BLONDE WIVES!

Unbelievable. Do blondes attract quarterbacks or do quarterbacks attract blondes? That’s what I’m wondering.

Eli Manning has a blonde wife, Peyton Manning has a blonde wife, Gisele Bundchen is blonde sometimes, Big Ben has a blonde wife, who else? Tony Romo? Check. Drew Brees? Check. Even recent later round draft pick Russell Wilson of the Seattle Seahawks has a blonde wife! Matt Flynn needs to watch out in Seattle because Russell has all the pre-requisites to be a starting quarterback in the NFL – pretty blonde wife! WHAT?! THIS JUST IN – Matt Flynn is dating a pretty blonde lady – put a ring on that finger Matt if you want to have a chance at starting this fucking season!

This is getting nuts. Off the top of my head, the only quarterback – and he’s retired – that doesn’t have a blonde wife is Brett Favre. Yep. Trendsetter. Also, cheated on her or tried to with a chick who looked remarkably similar to her, but younger, which resulted in them almost getting a divorce. So, there are no non blonde wives in the starting quarterback ranks is what I’m saying as far as I can tell. But I really don’t blame Brett or Deanna or even Jenn Sterger (the girl Brett sexted those dick pics to who did not appreciate them), I really blame the New York Jets because they’re the most unwholesome team in all of the NFL and probably the world, so they probably screwed with Brett’s head and forced him to try and commit adultery.

You think I’m crazy? How many dick pics did he send in Green Bay? ANSWER ME THAT! He’s with the Jets for a year! ONE YEAR… and dick pics. I blame the Jets. The J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS. They’re evil.

The other wife that helped steal the show was Evelyn Lozada who you may know as Chad Johnson’s new wife who is also on “The Basketball Wives” TV show. Chad and Evelyn are very funny on twitter and it translates to the show and I hope they’re married forever.

——-

I’m not sure about what else is going on today.

I woke up today thinking it was already hump day and this week is moving by quickly.

I have to go to the dentist in an hour.

I really want to see “The Campaign” on Friday.

I really hope Jordan Burroughs wins gold on Friday.

That’s what I got.

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2 Responses to “Miscellaneous Moments Mor Mednesday… M’kay?”

  1. PWG said

    Kurt Warner’s wife had grey/silver/platinum hair WHILE he was a starting QB. Which I mostly remember because The Onion called her a “wire-haired man goblin.” He’s my old-school Tim Tebow. I’m very (okay, not at all) interested in what kind of little lady Tebow’s going to end up with. He can’t stay a virgin forever, and I bet all the moms at his church are throwing their daughters at his feet like IEDs.

    I don’t want him to end up with one of those Heather Mills types that seem all nice and sweet and altruistic all the way up until the vows are spoken. I’m so worried for you, God’s Quarterback!

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Jay Cutler’s wife is a famous blonde – Kristin Cavallari. Alex Smith’s wife is blonde. Matt Schaub’s as well. Apparent starter (although, I disagree) Kevin Kolb’s wife, Whitney, is a blonde. Both Tim and Matt Hasselbeck share more than genes and a last name – they both have blonde wives. Aaron Rodgers and Matthew Stafford knows what’s up in the NFC North – blonde girlfriends. Mark Sanchez has been linked to several blondes from high schoolers to supermodels, so let’s chalk “Dirty” up here too. Ryan Fitzpatrick met his fellow athlete wife at Harvard where Liza played soccer. “The Red Rocket” Andy Dalton scored himself a blonde. Colt McCoy’s wife is blonde. Sources are unsure if Sam Bradford’s girlfriend is the blonde they say she is, but I’m buying it. Joe Flacco recently married a short blonde. Chad Henne has a blonde wife in Jacksonville; can’t find anything for Blaine Gabbert.

      Add the 3 in Miami, Eli, Peyton, Big Ben, Drew Brees, Tony Romo, Gisele (Brady), and the duo in Seattle – Russell Wilson and Matt Flynn.

      The non-blondes…

      Carson Palmer’s wife is a brunette! Matt Ryan’s too. Philip River’s wife and mother of all their many children is a raven haired lady. Christian Ponder’s got a busty, bikini wearing, brunette girlfriend. Brendon Weeden’s wife, Melanie, appears to be a brunette with blonde highlights, so that might be a half point for both sides. Number 1 draft pick Andrew Luck has a brunette girlfriend and she’s a gymnast – bonus points. Number 2 draft pick RG3, brunette girlfriend as well. Matt Cassell’s got himself a brunette down in KC.

      Mike Vick is all alone in this category. Vick has a black baby’s Momma/girlfriend.

      Can’t find anything on Josh Freeman’s leading lady in Tampa, or Joe Webb in Minnesota, or Cam “Prophecy” Newton’s. Cam is linked to a few chicks as girlfriends and they range all the categories.

      25 – blondes (I think, I didn’t count Elisabeth Hasslebeck because Tim is retired)
      8 – brunettes
      1 – African-American princess

      There are plenty of other back-up QBs I didn’t look into, but there’s quite a chance they’ll be blonde too.

      Lastly, I would like to conclude that almost all of these ladies have one thing in common, actually, 2 – big tits. Quarterbacks love a set of squeezable sweater puppies more than anything else.

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