August 14, 2012

Tuesdays are about as fun as taking a relative to prom, but this Tuesday is a GREAT Tuesday because Timothy Richard Tebow turns 25.

Look at that smile!

Who doesn’t love this guy? I don’t know. Seriously, I get that some people didn’t root for him college (me, but I also don’t root for many guys in college), I get that some people were first overwhelmed by Tebow-mania and turned against Tebow because of it (much like people saying they don’t like Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies out of spite at how much better they are than other Batman movies and how much more popular they are and people think they’re being all hipstery about it and that’s stupid), and I get that some people want to harp on the guy’s throwing mechanics (as if you’re all fucking Daniel Constantine Marino or that a guy can’t get better at something if only he were allowed the time to practice it), but whatever your possible reason for not liking this fine gentleman is – I want you to know if you are a football fan – you should like/love this guy like everyone else.

I know some of you may thought today was going to be re-enacting or at least offering some type of insight into the Jon Stewart interview with Rob Pattinson last night. And to that I say – WHAT THE FUCK? C’mon! Did you watch it? I know many of you messily masturbated to it because your personification of uncontrollable lust appeared in the flesh on your television set, but that interview was stupid. Nothing was said. If it was 5 minutes long then it was 5 minutes of introduction to an interview that never happened. I love Jon Stewart for many things and none of those things are for his interviewing prowess and let me add further that none of those things are for his interviewing prowess with someone who he couldn’t give a fuck about interviewing and has no ability to actually interview because said person will not answer any of the questions that Jon doesn’t even feel like being in the position of asking. What we learned? Rob doesn’t have a publicist AND Conan O’Brien was a rerun last night, which forced me into the awkward position of watching Rob with Jon do nothing.

Nothing for me that is. For some of you, I’m sure you shoved your hand so far up yourself you could’ve operated your own mouth like a puppet. And good for you. That must’ve been fun.

Moving on…

Microphones like Tim Tebow!

The color pink likes Tim Tebow!

Books like Tim Tebow!

Kate Upton likes Tim Tebow!

Tom Brady really likes Tim Tebow!

There are two types of football fans out there:

1. Jets fans

2. Not Jets fans

If you’re in category number 1, you should like/love Tim Tebow because he is going to be your starting quarterback by week 6. Or maybe you’ll suffer until the Bye week, which is week 9, so Tebow will start week 10. He’s going to be the starting quarterback though.

To begin with, let’s remove any doubt that Tim Tebow is not a quarterback. Tim Tebow is a quarterback. Through and through. I don’t care what you say about him, he’s a quarterback. If you think Tim Tebow should solely be a running back then you should introduce yourself to professional running backs who have a different skill set than Tim Tebow. Tim can run, and he can run because he’s a quarterback. They hike him the ball and people don’t know whether he is going to pass it, hand it off, or run it himself and all of that can go left, right, or center. That’s when Tebow is dangerous. If Tebow’s a running back then you line him up behind a quarterback and you hand the ball off to him, but you’re not going to do that and no one is going to do that. If you think Tebow is a tight end because you’ve just dreamed that up then you should introduce yourself to professional tight ends in the NFL who have a different skill set than Tim Tebow. Not like there is any history of Tim Tebow lining up off tackle and catching jump balls in the end zone or better yet over the 50 yard line and running around in the middle of the field – that’s not what you’re going to do with Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow is a quarterback. You know it, the Jets know it. The Jets are admittedly going to work Tim Tebow in as their “wildcat” quarterback, right? Right there, you have two quarterbacks – Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow – taking up each others play time. That right there is a concession that Tim Tebow will replace Mark Sanchez. You are removing your starting QB from the field because you are admitting that he does not provide the offensive spark for 3 downs at a time and will need someone else to do things that he cannot. Eventually one of two things will happen:

1. The wildcat offense works well, so much so that people will want to see more of it and with that Tebow becomes the starter.

2. The wildcat does whatever, but the offense as a whole is not doing anything special either and people want to give Tebow the chance to see what happens when he is out there for more time and not just once in awhile with the wildcat.

Both outcomes result in Tim Tebow as the Jets starting quarterback.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that a team who signs a starting quarterback from another team is making their intentions very clear that their current quarterback is on the way out. You don’t sign a quarterback who can take your starting quarterbacks job if you don’t want him to take your starting quarterback’s job.

The Jets didn’t sign a hot shot wide receiver. The Jets didn’t sign a hot shot running back. The Jets signed a hot shot quarterback and they’re going to use him and that’s what they’re going to use him as.

Now, if you fall into category #2…

You should like Tim Tebow because you don’t like the Jets and this Tebow/Sanchez situation will only cause more and more headaches for the Jets until they don’t know which one is going to start and they’ll have wasted their money on either not using Tebow enough or resigning Sanchez like they did. This turmoil and drama should be absolutely delicious to watch as a non-Jets fan. And the man of the hour, Tim Tebow, will have his name chanted throughout the new Giants stadium and it will only help further push the already incapable Jets coaches at making more decisions that will need capability to answer them.


Young ladies like Tim Tebow!

Classy dressed ladies like Tim Tebow!

Bendy, face-painted ladies like Tim Tebow!

I’m rooting for the guy. I’m sincerely rooting for Tim Tebow and somehow not the Jets.

I dislike the Jets, but I’m rooting for Tim Tebow because I like him and because I like when the Jets are scrambling around with no identity. With Tebow, the better he does for the first few weeks – the more trouble that will cause the Jets. If he wins games or not, it should make the Jets wonder why he’s not on the field more than he is. If the Jets do bad in the first few weeks, they’ll still wonder why Tebow isn’t out on the field more because he is the magical unicorn filled with intangibles.

Hands like Tim Tebow!

Headphones like Tim Tebow!

Also, muscles do as well!

Dogs like Tim Tebow!

Rain fucking loves Tim Tebow!

I’m rooting for Tim Tebow this year and so should you.

And if you’re one of those ladies invading yourself with your hand watching a mealy mouthed actor eat soupy ice cream on the Daily Show then you should do yourself a favor and get rotator cuff deep about Tebow because he’s going to be on TV a lot more soon and he’ll be a starting quarterback even more soon enough.

Happy birthday, Tim Tebow.

Good luck with that starting quarterback job.


4 Responses to “An Official KSWI Statement: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM TEBOW!”

  1. TA-BOW! Still bummed I haven’t spotted him out and about in town. Maybe I need to start lurking around churches more.

    Also, there has to be some Tebow/Brady slash out there, right?

  2. Were you watching me watch the Pretty last night??

  3. LonnyGGhho said

    I think Tim Tebow is totally awesome. His big beautiful muscles and his big strong chest are just incredible. I am totally in love with Tim Tebow.

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