You’re Gonna Have A Great Weekend Because You’re Not THAT Guy

August 17, 2012

Good afternoon, campers and camperettes!

Last night, I saw a video. A video that I instantly fell in love with and watched countless times. A video that is not pornography as you have so crassly expected it to be in your filthy minds. In fact, the video is safe for work, if you can believe that. Also, depends on where you work. There’s no cursing or nudity, but there is Lady Gaga and Romanians, and I’m sure there are a few offices in the world where neither are allowed.


More like, DAMN!


That was absolutely my favorite video I’ve watched this week and I’ve seen some good videos this week. I saw a video of a young lady getting her b-hole tattooed and she referred to herself as “I’m 22. Deuce deuce!” I was not expecting any video to top that one for a long while, but I was wrong. A mere deuce days later and here we are with Lady Gaga’s security going all Liam Neeson in “Taken” on some dude’s ass. Just BLAM BLAM! Your head against the glass, your head under my ass (or knee to be specific).

I love this video. I love that this is someone’s life. I don’t condone living a life like this in the least, but for every person who says that this is a “small world” let me ask you this:

When was the last time you were a middle aged man wearing a fanny pack hiding in the revolving elevator of a high priced hotel waiting for a pop singer to appear in the lobby and for you to jump out and snag an autograph on your 1920’s reporter’s style spiral notebook and when your plan is set into motion and you spring from your hiding spot you are caught immediately by a man in a suit who is half your age and in better physical shape than you will ever be in in your lifetime and they are also ready to kill you and they grab your existence and slam you and your head against the revolving door you were just hiding behind and then throw you to the floor and pin your head and neck to the ground with their knee and shin bone, which all ends with you brushing yourself off and exiting the hotel to continue leading whatever oddity of a life you were leading that led you to the prior 20 second interaction with angry bodyguard?

Also, I really like that Lady Gaga’s one bodyguard looks like a professional wrestler mixed with a male model and then the other one looks like a rabid Joel McHale. Seriously, McHale fucks that dude’s world up. So much so, that when the big dude comes over, he immediately is like, “Whoa! Joel’s got this. Doesn’t need me interfering because he’s got this. I’ll try to make use of my 6’6″-ness and politely usher Lady Gaga along.”

I bet that was a fun night of drinking Stellas. Remember when you bashed that dude’s face into the glass?! Just part of the job. Really?! Fucking some pathetic Romanian guy’s world up who only was carrying a notepad? That’s an amazing job we have.

I’m not saying the guy used excessive force or anything. In all honesty, in situations like that with the background of fear knowledge we have on crazy fans doing crazy things to the celebrities that they crazily love – you have to react quickly and not worry if it is a notebook or something else entirely that could be used as a weapon instead of a flimsy spiral bound notebook. And the guy walked away completely fine. I’m sure he lost some dignity down there, but I’m sure there wasn’t much dignity to lose when the guy is already hiding in a revolving door and wearing a fanny pack and willing to risk life and limb to get a Gaga autograph.

Also, fuck that guy. He was trying to cut in line and got fucked up. I wish that’s what happened to all people that cut in line. A wild eyed Joel McHale man handles them into a plexiglass wall and pins them to the ground with his knee.

Lastly, my favorite supporting character in this award winning video is the hotel doorman who gives the most half-hearted gesture for the guy to leave as if the guy was going to stay. Also, that old doorman doesn’t do a damn when that guy jumps out. “Taken” is on that guy before that old man even notices the guy is even there. BAM! AMERICA!

Either way, I hope you all have a great weekend.

Get into some stuff. Get sleazy. Make it memorable.

See you, Monday.

One Response to “You’re Gonna Have A Great Weekend Because You’re Not THAT Guy”

  1. PWG said

    When you’re looking to hire a large, handsome ass-kicking man with stellar reflexes to accompany you about town, is it easier to start with a modeling agency and make them fight each other until only one is standing? Or does one start with fighting skills and work one’s way up the handsome ladder? Because I need one of those.

    I saw The Bourne Legacy instead of The Candidate last night. Judge away.

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