For The Ladies Out There, I Have Medical Advice For What You Should Be Eating

August 22, 2012

And the answer is…


The more the better!

The article’s headline is…

Semen is ‘good for women’s health and helps fight depression’

Who knew there was a cure all in my penis?!

Let’s take a gander at the clinical research that is unquestionably flawless mandatory advice that you should be following from now on… my comments will be in this and the article will be in bold.

Oral sex is good for women’s health and makes you feel happier, according to a study which studied the effects of semen’s ‘mood-altering chemicals’.


Followed by a series of…


God bless doctors, you know. Sometimes we think of doctors as evil black magic wielding overlords who are trying to nickel and dime us until we’re in the poor house, and then other times they’re absolutely the greatest fucking people who live on this fucking planet. Of course, women should be ingesting more semen! That’s a study we should be doing! AIDS is a thing of the past and so is cancer really, so let’s get down to the real scientific studies like getting chicks to swallow more jizz… for SCIENCE!

Who are these beautiful fucking doctors who came up with this brilliance?

The State University of New York study – which scientists carried out via survey rather than through practical experiment – compared the sex lives of 293 females to their mental health.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

I will say it is a little distressing to read that there was no practical experimenting done, but, at the same time, if there was that type of “practical experimenting” done and it was as close as New York and I wasn’t involved then I would’ve been fucking pissed. Seriously, I’m overflowing with the stuff! I have so much of it that I don’t know what to do with it anymore. If I could run my car on my own splooge, I would drive to the Southern most tip of Chile with no fucking problem – just need a picture or two of those two Jenner— errr… Sofia Vergara and I’ll be fine.

It follows research which shows that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevates mood, increases affection, induces sleep and also contains at least three anti-depressants.

Yep. Yep. And… yep.

I have a genuine question, what are the three anti-depressants? That will make it even more amazing for a guy to use that as a pick-up line.

Oh, I see you are taking Effexor. Well guess what, I’ve got an Effexor generic leaking out of my dong if you want some.

Also, I have a follow-up question, I know that semen is affected by what one eats, so if you’re on an anti-depressant that’s not already in your baby batter will that now be added to it? Like let’s say Zoloft isn’t in my spunk which let’s say is pretty unlikely because of how amazing dude’s spunk is – can I take Zoloft additionally and then Zoloft is in my spunk? That’s what I’m saying. I think it’s possible. NEW STUDY! Let’s get that one going. That would be just cost saving to the nth degree at that point. You find a lady who also needs to take Zoloft. Only need one prescription now with the whole – honey, it’s time to take your medicine. AM I RIGHT?! WOOOO!!! I LOVE SCIENCE!

The researchers also claim that women who have regular unprotected sex are less depressed and perform better on cognitive tests.


I’m sexing you smart! Who knew?!

I’m nowhere near done and I’m already claiming this to be the greatest study I’ve ever read in my life!

Semen contains another of chemicals along with spermatozoa, including cortisol, which is known to increase affection, estrone, which elevates mood and oxytocin, which also elevates mood.

It also contains thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent), and even serotonin (perhaps the best-known antidepressant neurotransmitter).

That is quite the jism cocktail.

Given these ingredients – and this is just a small sample of the mind-altering ‘drugs’ found in human semen – Researchers Gallup and Burch, along with the psychologist Steven Platek, hypothesised that women having unprotected sex should be less depressed than suitable control participants.

Oh yeah, they “hypothesised”… IN THEIR PANTS! AM I RIGHT?!

To investigate whether semen has antidepressant effects, the authors rounded up 293 college females from the university’s Albany campus, who agreed to fill out an anonymous questionnaire about various aspects of their sex lives.

Hey, you like a slut… errr an interesting 21st century lady. How much condomless D are you getting stuck in that vagina? Also, spit or swallow? And could you quantify in liters how much of the stuff you’re being hosed down with nightly? Thank you. FOR SCIENCE!

Recent sexual activity without condoms was used as an indirect measure of seminal plasma circulating in the woman’s body.

Each participant also completed the Beck Depression Inventory, a commonly used clinical measure of depressive symptoms.

The most significant findings from this study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, were that, even after adjusting for frequency of sexual intercourse, women who engaged in sex and ‘never’ used condoms showed significantly fewer depressive symptoms than did those who ‘usually’ or ‘always’ used condoms.

Even chicks don’t like condoms. We need to take this study to the people of Trojan and show them how they are depressing the shit out of everyone! EVERYONE!

Of course, chicks don’t like condoms. I mean no man I know likes having sex with a trash bag over his wang, so there’s no reason why a girl would enjoy being sodomized with one. Common sense.

Importantly, these chronically condom-less, sexually active women also evidenced fewer depressive symptoms than did those who abstained from sex altogether.

No shit. Of course, they’re depressed. They haven’t had a D thrown in them for like ever.

The even better study would be if they found the sexual partners these chicks are whoring it up with and started rating them on looks. Or how good the guy or gal is in bed? Or how they had sex? What positions? Pile driver? Did they listen to smooth jazz while doing it? Real scientific stuff.

By contrast, sexually active heterosexual women, including self-described ‘promiscuous’ women, who used condoms were just as depressed as those practicing total abstinence.

We referred to that category as “sad sluts”.

The research suggests it is not just that women who are having sex are simply happier, but that happiness levels might be related to the quantity of semen within their body.


Here’s a side bar to the article…


Other recent findings from Gallup’s laboratory suggest that semen-exposed women perform better on concentration and cognitive tasks and that women’s bodies can detect ‘foreign’ semen that differs from their long-term or recurrent sexual partner’s signature semen.

It’s like your vagina is a fucking X-Men character. Or my boner is an X-Men and my super power is my jizz.

Hmmmm… well in all total honesty, I’m 100% sure that’s how all guys feel about their dongs as is. But it’s nice to know that the study believes it too.

Signature Semen would be an excellent name for a band.

I have absolutely no clue how they did this test or figured this stuff out in anyway, but I would guess that blindfolding the chick and having her done by her signature semen dude and then done by some lucky stud wasn’t how it was done. I’m just guessing the chick would know the difference in that scenario.

They suggest the ability to detect foreign sources is an evolved system that often leads to unsuccessful pregnancies – via greater risk of preeclampsia – because it signals a disinvested male partner who is not as likely to provide for the offspring.

BOOM! You don’t have to wear condoms anymore when you’re cheating on your man with strange D’s. That’s good to know. Condoms can get expensive if you’re trolling the streets just getting dogged by everyone plus you’re super depressed because you haven’t had an unsheathed D in you in forever.

Also, I absolutely love calling some strange D a “disinvested male partner” because that’s the fucking truth. If a lady is boning some dude for so long he has become her body has evolved into understanding that as her signature semen and she gets drunk at some bar and takes some D in her from an illegal bus boy or a cover band’s bassist – “disinvested male partner” is the EXACT name for them.

Their findings also suggest that women who have unprotected sex with their partners – and therefore are getting regularly inseminated by them – experience more significant depression on breaking up with these men than those who were not as regularly exposed to an ex’s semen, and that they also go on the rebound faster in seeking new sexual partners.

FUCKING WHAT?! That may be the greatest part of this entire thing… CHICKS GET ADDICTED TO SEMEN!

UNBELIEVABLE! A girl can get addicted to a particular dude’s semen that they now need to get anyone’s semen in them to chase the dragon. I fucking love it. Also, I like that that will now be added to my conversational pool of things to say when a long term couple breaks up and the girl is now single. She’s obviously going to rebound real quick because she’s addicted to semen… scientifically speaking – she’s seeking a new signature semen.


4 Responses to “For The Ladies Out There, I Have Medical Advice For What You Should Be Eating”

    • PWG said

      Always getting the short end of the stick. Or no end of the stick. THERE’S NO STICK.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said


      It seems like lesbians should at least fuck a dude or blow him once a month or so as a medical check-up. Like getting your teeth cleaned by a dentist every 6 months or so.

      They didn’t do any study on gay dudes. Does it effect them? They already have semen from themselves inside of them, so would someone else’s semen do anything for them?

      So many more studies to be done.

  1. PWG said

    Well you can’t argue with science. To quote David Spade in the cinematic masterpiece Lost & Found: “And isn’t it great how that works out for you. ‘Cause it really could have gone either way.”

    Maybe they’ve got the cause and effect thing all backwards. Isn’t it possible that women who are already less depressed are more interested in dick/mouth handshakes? Mouthshakes? Better do further studies, cross-referencing inebriation and length of relationships.

    Truly a pickup line for the ages: “Oh, I see you are taking Effexor. Well guess what, I’ve got an Effexor generic leaking out of my dong if you want some.” If she doesn’t seem convinced, tell her you’ll waive the co-pay.

    I think BJs are more enjoyable if you don’t reflect on the whole “mouthful of microscopic wriggling tadpole-like spermatozoa” aspect, at least mid-BJ. You’re welcome.

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