September Suckfest or September Savior? September Movie Previews 1

August 24, 2012

Hello.

First, I have to make an announcement. The announcement is that I will be going to…

ENG-LUND!

I am going over there to get ROB PATTINSON! And force him to get back in love with KRISTEN STEWART because…

ROBSTEN 4 EVA! EV-UH! EV-UGH!!!!!!

..

.

Hmmmmm… well… some of what I said is true.

I am taking a “holiday” to the UK for a week. I’ll be gone from tonight until Labor Day Monday. It’s for a wedding, I’m wearing a kilt at the wedding, those pictures will be on the internet I’m guessing, I’m also going to be in Scotland for a few days, I’m going to be drunk on scotch in Scotland for a few days, and I have my fingers crossed that we’ll be able to hit up Hadrian’s Wall while I’m over there. I’ve seen and walked on the Great Wall of China and I’ve always wanted to see Hadrian’s Wall because when it was created it was the end of the Roman Empire, civilization, modern thought, and, really, the end of the Earth.

So, that’s happening. I will have my computer, but I don’t know if I’ll post at all. I didn’t post yesterday because it was a hectic morning packing and dealing with the UFC clusterfuck that happened yesterday. If you follow the UFC, they cancelled the UFC 151 event, which was scheduled for September 1st. In the middle of packing, I was trying to write a profile piece on Dan Henderson while reading that he was probably hurt. Finally at 2pm, it was announced he was hurt, which sucks, and that other wild shit took place with Jon Jones turning down a possible fight with Chael Sonnen and long story short (too late!) the card was cancelled. So, that sucked.

Anyway… I wanted to at least leave you with some lingering thoughts about the September movies that may or may not suck this coming month. It’s an interesting month that is ahead of us. September is traditionally seen as a…

DUMP MONTH!

Dump as in they dump the movies they have little faith in and dump as in they are like poop. February is the universally always dump month. Meanwhile, last year’s September featured two of the best movies that came out last year. Neither was really represented at the Oscars, but were in my opinion about the best the entire year had to offer – DRIVE and 50/50. There are some movies this month that have that type of aura around them that could be the best movie we’ve seen this year that does not feature Batman in it. Specifically, I’m thinking of “The Master”, but I’ll get to that when I get to that. This is the first of the September previews, there will be others, but you’ll have to wait for them…

BACHELORETTE

As many thought “Friends with Kids” was the follow-up to “Bridesmaids” and were WRONG. If you want something that will be the closest thing to a follow-up, it will be “Bachelorette”. The movie looks unilaterally about comedy and vulgar comedy and vulgar comedy with hot chicks saying those beautifully filthy words out of their sultry sassy mouths. Dunst, Fisher, and Caplan will play Rebel Wilson’s “Charlie’s Angels” skinny bitches bridesmaids who are looking to get drunk and curse and talk openly about casual sex in a conversational manner. The trailer has some funny parts. It’s also more of a lady’s “Hangover” than “Bridesmaids” was. I’m sure it will be funny. I’m sure it won’t be as story driven as “Bridesmaids” was. I’m not sure if that is good or bad. “Bridesmaids” got awkward, but was funny throughout. This could be funny throughout and not get awkward or it could feel unfulfilling because it’s just about people being drunk and the plot and fake-heart will seem forced, which would make it exactly like “Hangover” or at least “Hangover II”. Either way, unless this gets HORRENDOUS reviews and it turns out that this trailer is too cleverly edited and this is just a slow boring walk through New York then I’m going to see this movie. Funny chicks. Good looking chicks. Adam Scott. ’nuff said.

THE INBETWEENERS

SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!

This is being billed as England’s answer to “American Pie”. First, I don’t even know if America needed America’s answer to “American Pie” let alone the Brits. Second, has planning the Olympics taken up this much of England’s time that they couldn’t put out an “answer to ‘American Pie'” within the DECADE that “American Pie” came out in. The “American Pie” cast are senior citizens now. It was fucking forever ago! That came out in a Pre-9/11 world! Anyway, I’m not seeing this. A bunch of nerds who are on vacation come off as cool to people who don’t know they’re nerds and then hot girls take their nerd dicks and stick those nerd dicks into their hot girls vaginas. I don’t need to see that. I don’t need to root for these dopes to bang these sluts. I would sooner root for these dorks to get hit by an oncoming car because they forgot which way the cars come from over in America. U-S-A! U-S-A!

THE WORDS

I couldn’t be less interested in this movie. I have no idea what it is about and I don’t care to know. I hate the title, I hate the poster, I hate that this will be a drama of some sort or a drama thriller, and that’s that. You can find out for yourself what this movie is about. I don’t trust this cast separately and I don’t trust this cast together to put out a good movie. I just don’t like the smell of this one. Now, if the poster was a picture of Olivia Wilde and Zoe Saldana sharing a steamy shower and their toned bodies are sleek with humidity while soap bubbles and hands in strategic places to keep it from being X rated and maybe the movie’s title could be changed to “MAKE THIS FUCKING HAPPEN ALREADY!!!!!”

[REC] 3: GENESIS

If you had told me they would still be making these movies, I don’t know what I would have thought. I never saw the sequel to “[REC]” so I don’t know how it got from being a found footage horror thriller about a news reporter to possibly a chainsaw wielding, wedding dress wearing, something or other. It looks like it should be a poster for the newest “Resident Evil” debacle. I did see “[REC]” and I did like it. If you’ve never heard of it (not really surprising), “[REC]” was kind of like a found footage version of “28 Days Later” where a reporter is being filmed at an apartment building where a virus – I think – infects some of the people in it and turn them into rage monster, flesh eaters. It was an interesting movie. It had a pretty great creepy cliffhanger ending. But I never saw the sequel. “[REC]” was one of the many movies I watched at work with no audio because it was in Spanish, so there were subtitles. Definitely good and engaging. It got a horrible American remake called “Quarantine”. Either way, I just wanted to mention it. Maybe one day I’ll watch the sequels.

10 YEARS

THANK GOD! I was going through Channing Tatum withdrawal. It had been like 2 weeks since I hadn’t seen a new Channing Tatum movie! TWO WEEKS! I cannot believe I survived. Either way, this Channing Tatum movie does look decently promising. Channing and his actual wife are playing actual husband and wife in a movie about a 10 year reunion of friends and how they’ve changed. His wife hasn’t met most of these people, so it will be eye opening especially when Rosario Dawson shows up who is Channing’s old love interest and there is mysterious circumstances to why they broke up all those years ago. Either way, the rest of the cast is really good. There are a lot of guys, a lot of girls, and they all have the potential to steal scenes and make Channing’s mumbling tolerable. It’s not the whacky Channing we got from “21 Jump Street”, it’s not the naked Channing we got from “Magic Mike”, it’s not the gun shooting Channing we got from “Haywire”, it’s not the romantic Channing we got from that dumbass movie he made with Rachel McAdams that was a rip off of “50 First Dates” and what other Channing movies have their been? Either way, it looks like Channing is trying to act with his heart, which could be hilarious. So many good actors in this, I’m curious. I’m guessing it won’t be good, but I’m curious.

ARBITRAGE

Immediately, I don’t like this movie because it is Richard Gere. Not a Gere fan. Unless we’re talking about “First Knight” and I’ve seen that movie maybe 102 times. Sure “Primal Fear”, sure “The Jackal”, sure “The Mothman Prophecies”, sure “Sommersby”, sure “Days of Heaven”. Sure. I really don’t like Richard Gere, but I watch those movies when they’re on TV. I can’t help myself. Some for good reasons, some for bad reasons. I’ve seen “The Mothman Prophecies” I think 3 times or maybe 300 times and I couldn’t tell you one definitive thing from it besides I find its monotony so captivating or brainwashing. I don’t know. What’s the difference?

Anyway, let me just say, incredibly bangable cast. Not just bangable, but like really bangable. Gere? Ok. Susan Sarandon? Yep. Tim Roth? I get it. Although, he does have a stupid New York accent in this. Brit Marling? Yes and yes. And randomly enough, Laetitia Casta? HEAVENLY FATHER ABOVE – I SAY YES!!!!! YES!!!

The movie itself looks wildly skippable. It looks more like a TV movie than an actual movie or just an extended episode of “Law & Order”. I won’t see it. I do like seeing that Brit Marling is getting some work. I re-watched some of “Another Earth” the other day and she is so good in it. Oh right, the movie is about Gere being some famous CNBC, money guy who is married to Susan Sarandon, his daughter is Brit Marling, and his mistress is Laetitia Casta. In the middle of some big corporate merger or something, Gere gets into a car accident one night and kills Laetitia and he flees the scene. Tim Roth is a NY detective who is trying to figure out what happened. See it or don’t see it. Whatever.

LIBERAL ARTS

THIS MOVIE! I’m 99% positive I mentioned this movie awhile back in passing when talking about Elizabeth Olsen. I was looking up her what’s coming up movies and this was one of them. I mentioned that the movie seemed an awful lot like Josh Radnor’s all-in push to fuck Elizabeth Olsen. He’s the writer, he’s the director, he’s the main character, and he’s got Elizabeth Olsen trying to slob his knob in the movie. It’s like he completely put this altogether like the longest first date ever to get Olsen in bed and to that… Sir Radnor, I tip my cap to you. The movie itself? I wouldn’t watch with a gun to my head. I like Olsen a lot and all, but Radnor? C’mon! You kidding me with this garbage. I’m 99% positive this is just a ripoff of “Garden State” with Braff’s name scratched out and Radnor’s written in. I can’t wait until I’m in my 30’s and just kind of sad, but twenty something hot chicks cannot keep their hands off my dong. That’s what happens, right? You get into your 30’s and you get depressing because of all the things you never did or weren’t courageous enough to try and that somehow translates into a pheromone that makes hot young chicks just sopping wet. Like they’re perpetually walking on a slip-n-slide because it’s just so fucking hot meeting some cynical 30’s guy who really isn’t any closer to accomplishing his dreams than when he was 20. It’s like they can’t stick that failure dick in their mouth fast enough! Right?

THE MASTER

Yes.

I will see any and all movies that Paul Thomas Anderson is preparing to make throughout the rest of his life. I have loved, LOVED, all of his movies thus far. He makes magnificent engrossing films. Regardless of storyline or cast, I would see something made by PTA. It just so happens that this is a very interesting sounding storyline and an excellent cast. I have nothing else to say besides that I’m expecting this to be the best movie I have seen up until this point this year that doesn’t have Batman in it. And it will probably be my favorite movie of the year, I’m guessing and hoping. Those are my expectations and I feel comfortable that PTA will meet them. Here is the plot…

After returning from the Second World War, having witnessed many horrors, a charismatic intellectual creates a faith based organization in an attempt to provide meaning to his life. He becomes known as “The Master”. His right-hand man, a former drifter, begins to question both the belief system and The Master as the organization grows and gains a fervent following.

The cast is Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix, Amy Adams, and, of course – my boy, Rami Malek.

Official trailer…

Teaser #1…

Teaser #2…

And there is a 3rd teaser out there somewhere, but apparently I cannot find it on youtube at this moment.

Anyway, it looks great.

And I will end on a high note for the week and possibly for a week in general.

I will have the rest of the movies’ previews up sometime in the not-too-distant future.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I hope everyone has a great next week.

I hope everyone has a great Labor Day weekend.

I’ll talk to you when I talk to you.

I love you?

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2 Responses to “September Suckfest or September Savior? September Movie Previews 1”

  1. Give Rob a Scotch-flavored kiss from me….well, never mind! Have fun! My paternal ancestors are from Applegirth, Scotland, some crumbling castle thingie there,,,,don’t stay there, it’s haunted too. Anyway, enjoy!

  2. NixHaw said

    Safe journey!

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