A KSWI SCIENCE STUDY: The Evolution of a smile :-)

September 12, 2012

Sup, mofos.

Dictionary dot com’s definition for a “smile” is:

to assume a facial expression indicating pleasure, favor, or amusement, but sometimes derision or scorn, characterized by an upturning of the corners of the mouth.
Dictionary dot com is full of edited by a bunch of anti-social, nervous tick having, slack-jawed, pencil necks who have never interacted with another a human being outside of a well orchestrated guild raid in World of Warcraft.
A smile?!
It’s what your fucking face does when you’re happy, you dopes.
Or, at least, when you’re pretending you’re happy. Like when a friend of yours says, “I just booked a week long trip to Belgium. Isn’t that great?” And you say something like, “Yeah, that is great.” But in your head, you’re saying something slightly different like, “This fucking idiot is going to Belgium? He, legitimately, has a 6 pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade in the fridge – that he bought! He’s not going to appreciate the complexities of the beautiful, heavy brews featured in Belgium. He’s going to be lurking around trying to find a Belgian 7-11 and grab a pack of wine coolers because he can only drink like one dark beer a day. What the fuck? I should be going to Belgium. He should send me to Belgium. I’ll have a kickass time in Belgium. Remember when I read that whole book on Belgium beers? Or I mean it was really just the wikipedia article, but I clicked on every fucking link that article had to offer. I read that article and everything for like 2 hours and he’s going to Belgium. I hate this fucking world. I hate this fucking friend. Fuck this friend.” And then you force the corners of your mouth up towards your ranting brain and you show a little teeth and you let slip past them, “That’s great. Take lots of pictures.” And inside you’re thinking, “Is there anyway I can make a voodoo doll out of Facebook pictures?”
That’s a smile.
To illustrate the stages of a smile, Kristen Stewart will help.
As you may know, almost all smiles start at a movie premiere for an independent film festival:
Here is Kristen Stewart promoting “On the Road”.
As you may have noticed already, she wants IT and is not smiling.
Let’s get a closer look…
Not smiling… but wanting IT.
Let’s begin the process of smiling…
First stage, relax.
Just let your shoulders relax for a moment. It’s difficult to smile when you’re all tense being super cool at your film premiere. So, just thinking of something that is relaxing. For you, it could be puppies. Puppies that just curl up into the crook of your arm and yawn with their puppy breath. Or maybe a nice healthy sip of alcohol to dull the senses throughout your entire body. Or maybe the warm Sun’s rays on your bare face and chest while sipping spiced rum and fruit juice out of a cold cup while a short haired miniature dachshund puppy sleeps on your exposed belly. Don’t put your little snout in my belly button, puppy! Hahahah… we’re all having fun.
That could be relaxing. Or maybe relaxing is watching Kristen Stewart take a bubble bath while you drink chocolate milk and listen to “The Crow” soundtrack.
Stage 2…
Open your mouth.
That sounds like a “stage two” with a lot of things. Honestly, there are so many activities where “stage two” should be “open your mouth”. Imaginations are a wonderful thing. But let that mouth just open up and do what it wants to do. Also, that’s a bunch of “that’s what she said”. But let your mouth instinctually form it’s pleasure shape.
Also, Kristen Stewart fucking wants IT in stage 2 of smiling. It’s fucking piercing!
Stage 3…
You may have opened your mouth too much or you may be simply showing too much teeth.
This is certainly not smiling yet. It is almost there.
While we were so focused on bubble bath, puppies, booze, and mouths – we forgot the lips.
The lips are the structure and foundation of a smile. Technically, you don’t even have to open your mouth to smile as long as your lips are really making that U, but it looks like you’re kind of holding in fart when you smile like that. As if if you opened your mouth such a noxious fume would escape your butt that you might instantly shit your pants and/or kill all those around you with the high concentration of ass smell in that fart.
Stage 4…
There you go! There’s a smile!
I mean it’s one of those fake smiles because who the hell really wants to smile in New York City as a bunch of dweebs with expensive cameras yell at you to look one way or another, so they can take a million pictures of you for their shitty websites. I mean really. Who would ever want that?
But it’s a smile. Lips and teeth. Mouth open.
But a smile is best shared with friends. So, once you achieve a smile – go out and show it off.
Look how much fun they’re having – SMILING!
It’s contagious. Just like herpes.
That’s how you smile. Practice in a mirror or in front of a homeless man. Why wouldn’t a homeless person enjoy teaching you how to smile? What else do they have going on in their day than to teach a person a million times better off than they are how to make a facial expression that delivers instantaneously the message that you are happy or, at least, faking it.

3 Responses to “A KSWI SCIENCE STUDY: The Evolution of a smile :-)”

  1. PWG said

    If you could give any animal opposable thumbs, which one would it be? Or rather, which species, not which particular pet dog or anything.

    I just opened the curtains and my cats were so goddamned grateful that I felt bad and wondered how long they’d been waiting around for me to do that. Then I thought that if they had their own functional hands it would be convenient. Then I thought they’d turn out like the penguins in Madagascar and steal an oil tanker or something with the awesome power. Because dexterity and athleticism doesn’t always come with brains, am I right?

    Which reminded me of the Gracie tweet you sent out about tweeting his own mugging, where he confessed to semi-sorta, well, not exactly luring muggers, but not hopping into a taxi when he identified a threat, either. Which you could defend by saying, “Well if I didn’t let them try to mug me, they’d just try someone more defenseless,” after which if I were his wife I’d punch him for being so idiotic and testosterony. Because I understand irony.

    So that’s how that random thought about animals’ thumbs ties into you. Plus your headline says evolution. I choose slow lorises because even if they took over the world, they’d be the most adorable overlords ever. Shit, they already have them.

    • NixHaw said

      I could never wish for my cats to have opposable thumbs because they would just get up to too much naughty. TOO. MUCH! There is enough pushing things off of counters and tables. The minute they had thumbs, things would be thrown. It would be a domestic missile crisis in my house!

      If my dogs had thumbs, I’m fairly sure they would just chew on them.

  2. NixHaw said

    Your post made me smile, but I skipped stage 2. As a veteran smiler, I have achieved the difficult art of smiling… (wait for it )… with my mouth closed! It takes dedication to reach that level of skill.

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