THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL MATCH-UP: Destiny Newton (Packers) vs. Kristin Cavallari (Bears)

September 13, 2012

Hello there and thank fucking God for FOOT-BALL!

I need to be entertained. I have a sickness and that sickness is that I need to be entertained near constantly like I’m a middle ages king with a court jester working himself to death all day every day for a chortle or two. Thankfully, the internet has been the never-ending crack cocaine to keep giving me my fix. At first, the internet can be boring if you’re on it all the time, but no matter how much time you spend on the internet you’ll always run across something new and exciting and usually insane.

Meanwhile the TV… it sucks a big dick.

Let’s be honest here, if there isn’t something specific on TV then the TV is just an enormous piece of technology laughing at you and your boredom. Besides FOOT-BALL, I don’t have anything to watch on TV. Now, that Breaking Bad is over until next year, I have nothing to watch on Sunday nights and between that and Louie on Thursday – I think those were the only two TV shows I was watching. Starting this Friday is The Ultimate Fighter season one million, which will be great… hopefully.

So, the rest of my life is watching professional tackle football. It’s on Sunday day, Sunday night, Monday night, Thursday night, and Showtime has an hour long clip show called Inside the NFL, which is on Wednesday night. So, I’ve got football, football, football, football, and football. That’s about it. Baseball? Maybe when it’s the world series, but right now I couldn’t give any less of a fuck about what they’re doing out there. FOOT-BALL.

Plus, football is a nice distraction from the news that the entire Middle East is attacking US embassies all because SOME FUCKING ASSHOLE made a movie that no actual American has ever seen. And to be perfectly frank, I never even heard of “Coptic Christians” until this week and now one of them or a few of them are causing Americans to die and embassies to get stormed because they decided to troll Muslims. Fucking people. Idiots.


Tonight, is the Chicago Bears at the Green Bay Packers!

It will be a pass friendly game and we’ll see which team can get to the other team’s quarterback while not letting up a bajillion points. I’m in a pick ’em league where you pick who you think is going to win plus the betting spread. I picked the Packers and they’re giving up 5 points. So, in this fantastical world of betting, the Packers must win by more than 5 points for me to win the bet. We’ll see.

As mentioned in an early article about all quarterbacks pretty much having blonde ladies they are having monogamous sexual relations with… Aaron Rodgers of the Packers and Jay Cutler of the Bears fall right in line with that. Instead of giving some grand breakdown of the two teams and why I picked the Packers, how about we just take a look at the ladies of these team leaders’ lives and decide from there…

First up, Aaron Rodgers’ bff gf … DESTINY NEWTON!


There’s like a 6 point touchdown in my pants right now. Am I right?! Woooo!

Talk about the set of wide receivers on this lass. I’d like to get my hands on her Jordy Nelson’s, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Wooo!

I mean I’d love to give her the old Cedric Benson up the gut… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! AM I RIGHT?!

I’d give her the future Hall of Famer Charles Woodson treatment – I’m talking about stripping and sacking! UP TOP! WHAAAAAAAAT! AM I RIGHT?! AM I RIGHT?!


She’s got prettier blonde hair than Clay Matthews.

Well, I think I’m out of those witticisms.

There’s the happy couple.

Is this chick always in a bikini? That’d be awesome.

Actually, these pictures I think are from some paparazzi tailing Rodgers all the way to Hawaii.

As of right now, I believe Destiny is pregnant from all the posts about her supposedly being pregnant that pop up when you google Destiny Newton’s name. And to that I say, good for the two of them. Apparently, these two have known each other for quite awhile and if she’s having his unborn fetus growing inside of her, hopefully he puts a ring on it.

Destiny seems quite lovely in all these bikinis, but there is one “detractor”…

Lower back tattoo? Destiny!

I don’t know what’s worse, a tribal lower back tattoo or the Green Bay Packers’ pass rush! IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!! HAHAHAH… hahahah… hoooo… heh… hmmmm… ok.

Whatever. At least, it’s not something like “living la vida loca” or something which we have all seen too many times, am I right?

On the other side of the field… in the stands somewhere I suppose is Jay Cutler’s soon-to-be-wife, baby’s momma, and fiancee(?)… KRISTIN CAVALLARI!


I’d like to run some Tampa Two up and down her field, AM I RIGHT?!

I’d like to get some penetration on her all night from both ends of the line, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! That’s Julius Peppers style! AM I RIGHT?!

I’d put it right between her uprights all the time, every time, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!! I’M TALKING ABOUT ROBBIE GOULD! WOOOO!!!!


I love Devin Hester.

Let’s get a look at the happy couple.

I don’t know how these two met, but I hope Cutler was a big fan of Laguna Beach and so forth. It worked for her first boyfriend Brody Jenner. That guy just watched the show and was like, “I want to be on that show.” And next thing you know, he’s on the damn show.

I kind of hope Cutler was watching it one day and was like, “I’d like to have sex and a baby with that one blonde who has a boyfriend that I could beat up with my pinky toes.” And boom! He’s doing all those things.

Actually, when the two of them started dating I was really hoping that Cutler would start appearing on the show. That would’ve been the funniest fucking thing ever. Generally speaking, Jay Cutler never looks happy like he does in that picture. He usually has a scowl on his face and his eyes look angry/uninterested. That would’ve been amazing seeing him having to interact with that dumb ass Pratt. What’s his first name? The one who was carrying around crystals and such. Whatever. I guess his 15 minutes are up because I can’t think of his first name and I’m definitely not going to bother looking it up.

Anyway, good job, Jay. You haven’t let your diabetes slow you down on the football field or nailing beautiful blonde chicks from California.

Sidenote: Rodgers, Cutler, and Philip Rivers from the San Diego Chargers have a great contentious on the field relationship where they just seem like they cannot stand one another for a split second.

Brew Dawgz and I wrote a skit involving the three of them just being put into a room together with no explanation as to why and imagining how that would play out.

It’s more or less, Jay Cutler in an interrogation style room sitting at a table. He’s not saying anything and looks angry/uninterested in anything. You can hear some cheerful talking outside the door. The door opens up and Aaron Rodgers comes in with a smile, which immediately turns into a scowl once he sees Jay. He doesn’t say anything and just stands in the corner with his arms crossed – just pissed. After complete silence or maybe a ‘hey, Jay’ followed by a ‘hey, Aaron’ and then more silence. A minute goes by and you can hear a lot of noise outside and one voice is the loudest. The two seem to recognize the voice. They look even more pissed now. The door opens and it’s Philip Rivers with a big smile on his face and he’s talking shit to someone outside the door. He turns around and see Jay and Aaron and his smile grows even bigger and just starts laying into both of them – “look at these sorry ass sights, right here!” And then it turns into a fist fight with in a minute or two, which Rivers is pushing for the entire time.

That’s what I got.

Anyway, I’m picking the Packers tonight.

I just can’t see them going 0-2 and even more so 0-2 at home. Should be a fun game.


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