KSWI Presents: What a YELPing idiot

September 19, 2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Let me just say, l’shana tova to all the Jews and Jewesses that I can only hope are reading this blog before and after graphic sex sessions in between a hole in a sheet. I kid. Of course, you don’t use a hole in a sheet! Who would think something preposterous like that? Who would say something preposterous like that?! That would be like running for President of the United States and telling a bunch of people that they don’t care about 47% of the country and it isn’t their job as hypothetical President to take care of them. That would be the dumbest thing someone could ever say… outside of say 51% I suppose.

Yes, I am alive and “well” as ever for the start of this holy new year of new experiences and new possibilities and, of course, MORE FOOTBALL! I should say I didn’t post yesterday because I was observing a high holy day of the wonderful and oft misunderstood Jewish faith. But in reality, I was hungover from watching Monday Night Football and I was going to drive somewhere, so I spent the morning gathering myself from my hungoverness.

That was a ridiculous game with ridiculous reffing and ridiculous play. The Atlanta Falcons are gifted three interception within in the first 10 minutes of the game and yet the game still came down to them needing to make a 3rd and 5 catch to stop the chance of Peyton Manning having 3 minutes a timeout and the 2 minute warning to put together a game winning drive. It certainly showed Manning is still fallible. It also showed that the Falcons are a very good football team, but a great football is still off on the horizon. I remember watching the Falcons tear apart Mike Vick in week 2 last year, and they still barely won that game.

Anyway…

Besides football, Barack Obama, the New Year, and getting shitty drunk… I have found a new hobby!

YELP!

Yes, Yelp. I have had the app on my phone since the very beginning and have found it to be very useful. Until this weekend, I had never perused the actual website. On Saturday night, I was thinking about the bars in Morristown, New Jersey and if there was one I hadn’t eaten at that I would like to try or just go to one of the ones I have eaten at a million times at this point. It turned into the latter and that was fine, but I did type into the google search bar a query about a possible “menu” that that bar possibly could have.

While I never found a menu, I did find COMEDIC GOLD!

The first google report was for the Yelp page on that particular bar. I clicked on it and was greeted with 10 reviews that people had taken time out of their lives to write and clearly put some thought into. What it showed more than anything was a perverse subjectivity that each of these people lived their lives by. Stories, minute stories, that they not only felt the urge to tell us, but for us to base an entire bar’s history/existence on their one time flirting with this establishment. Or even better, multiple times at an establishment that they hated, which made them out to be the crazy people they would have to be because why would you continue to go back to a place you hate… a place you are convincing yourself you hate so much that you are indeed writing an online review saying that you hate it.

It’s unbelievable. I have since looked at Yelp reviews for almost every bar in Morristown and they have hilarious reviews as well. It also appears to be a weird cross section of the universe because people who live in New York City are posting Yelp reviews about these Morristown bars. What in the fuck are you doing? Why would you live in New York and make a point to leave there, go an hour out of your way into the suburbs of New Jersey to find a bar? A bar?! There are a GAZILLION (actual number) bars in New York. If you’re stupid enough that in your night out, you decide not to go to one of a GAZILLION bars within walking, subway, or cab distance, and instead decide to leave the city and drive or take a train an hour to the suburbs of New Jersey and aren’t pleased with what you find then GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Well… if they just did that then I wouldn’t have this comedy gold. So maybe, I should thank them. Thank you for your idiocy. Thank you for your odd expectations. Thank you for your inductive reasoning that your 3 hours at this bar is the only 3 hours at this bar over and over and over again for all eternity.

As, I have spent too much time hyping this up… let me just give you a feel of these reviews and tomorrow (unless Kristen Stewart wears Rob’s hat again or something) I’ll post a bunch of the reviews. For now, the first of possibly many days and weeks from now.

This is a review for the bar “Sona 13”. It is from a Yelp reviewer who goes by Steve B. who has reviewed everything from a Wachovia bank in bumfuck, NJ to a Chipotle in Kentucky which he brought to an airport. All true. Anyway, Steve B. has reviewed pretty much all the places in Morristown, so it’s time you get to know him and his absurd life. His comments will be in bold and mine in regular fonty font typeface. This is the first installment of “What a YELPing idiot” and your life will forever be changed FOREVER…

July 16th, 2010 … 1 out of 5 stars

F*ck Sona Thirteen.  

Woooooooo!!!! Steve B. is pissed!

I absolutely love the venue, but the people there can lick my b*lls.  

Yeah! Lick the mighty Steve “YELPing Superstar” B.’s BALLS! That’s right lick the man’s balls! He wouldn’t even enjoy it either. Even though it feel really good. Like it sends chills up your spine in a good way. Like when someone is licking your balls you almost feel like you’re floating. Like you’re in a pool of happiness. But no! NOT TODAY! SONA MOTHERFUCKERS! LICK HIS BALLS! Not for pleasure, but for punishment!

When the crowd was preppy, I was okay with it.  When the crowd was Ed Hardy douchy, I lived with it.  Now that the crowd is trashy garbage, I’m not ok.  

Hmmmmm… what? He lived with Ed Hardy douchebags, but can’t handle trashy garbage. Sounds one in the same to me, but carry on. Steve B. is a complex man.

First to explain, I am a very tall person with a distinctive look; I have never been mistaken for anyone short of an NBA player or my own brother.  

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh… no. C’mon, guy. You are a white guy who has written over 400 Yelp reviews, I don’t care how “very tall” you are – no one thinks you’re in the NBA. An “NBA player”? Basketball? Are you talking about “basketball”? He’s certainly not a college ball or even a European league player – strictly the professional National Basketball Association circuit for Steve B. Also, what in the fuck does he mean by “distinctive look”? I can see his avatar and he’s a white guy with a goatee, I’ve seen a million of those. Not distinctive, no more distinctive than any other person ever ever. And I suppose his brother is someone famous that I’m mistaking him for. Just for edification, none of what he says in his pronouncement that he’s a possible “NBA player” explains anything that is about to follow. NONE OF IT.

So… tell us your story, Steve B.

Yet nary 4 minutes after entering said venue less than an hour ago, a female decided to use her full force to elbow me in the balls, then her friend went and punched me in the stomach.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH… yet nary… hahahahahahahahhahahahahahah’s. I don’t know what to say Steve B., but maybe these females had a hit out on an NBA player you look so much alike or even your brother. So, this dude walked into a bar, this very tall distinctive looking person, and got elbowed in the ball then punched in the stomach then cried his way home right into a Yelp review scolding the bar’s establishment. I’ll give you 1 star! HAHAHAH!

 To say I was in shock was an understatement – had I reacted as I should have I would be arrested right now or worse.  

Hmmm… “should have”? Sounds like you “should have” is a substitute for beating up women. And who were these mystical elves that nut punched and stomach punched you and then disappeared into the wind? I love the idea that this place is literally so incalculably massive that Steve literally couldn’t find them nor did anyone else see this take place. Also, “or worse” than being arrested? Does he mean he would go on such a rampage of tearing these chicks limb from limb that the only way the cops would be able to subdue him is with a live ammo kill shot? Ok, bud. It’s your Yelp review.

Yet these absolute pieces of garbage disappeared into the crowd as quickly as they appeared; the sad thing is that these trashy hos were very similar to other people in the crowd.

No wonder he tucked tail and ran. Seriously, an entire bar of trashy hos who elbow “NBA player” look-a-likes in the nuts and then run off into the shadows is a scary place to be in.

I’ve heard bad things about the clientele shift of late but have not seen it for myself until now.  

Mind you, I went to Sona for the first time ONE MONTH after he wrote this review and unless a Gene Hackman style “Little Bill” from “Unforgiven” sheriff came in and got rid of these testicle smashing tramps in that period of time then I have no fucking clue what this guy is talking about. I’ve been to Sona at least 2 dozen times and have never had my genitals attacked. Also, I’m not sure if Steve B. ever had the chance to venture back in, but Sona has a lovely Captain Crunch encrusted chicken fingers appetizer that is quite delectable.

And while I’m sure that most people who go to Sona wouldn’t want to nail me in the balls without even knowing me, I feel the need to call the place out.

Even though I understand I’m being completely irrational, I’m going to be completely irrational.

Next time I see these two anywhere I can guarantee that I will exact vengeance on them;

Uhhhhh… TO THE POLICE OF MORRISTOWN! There is a very tall person, male, distinctive look, could be mistaken for an NBA player, may have a double that is his brother, and he is looking to kill women with his bare hands. Might want to look if there are any cold cases that fit that description dating back to the Summer of 2010.

that being said, the crowd shift that allows such activities to ensue will not result in me returning in the near future.  In other words, F*ck Sona Thirteen.

In other words, I am a YELPing idiot.

I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.

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One Response to “KSWI Presents: What a YELPing idiot”

  1. Karla said

    Priceless, just priceless I say!

    What a kick-ass writer you are and if not already you should be working on movie scripts or tv sitcoms at least.

    Just wanted to let you know that I sooo look fwd at the end of every weekday to get home and read this blog, it´s one of my favorites.

    I kid you not.

    Sincerely, a big fan.

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