I watched the first 20 minutes of “Cosmopolis” and these are my thoughts

September 20, 2012


I think the title says it all.

Last night, I was gifted a copy of “Cosmopolis” from a good friend of mine named the World Wide Web. I wasn’t planning on watching it last night, but right before it was time for me to finally break the electronic umbilical chord between me and my computer – I had to take a peak at this movie for a minute or 20.

My first thought – I don’t know if I’m in love with the limo.

It’s kind of awkward looking. For what seemingly will be the main set of this movie, you really don’t get the feeling that they’re in a limo driving around more so just sitting in a limo on the set. Maybe they try to get into that more, but in the first 20 it doesn’t really sell that the limo is moving around that much or at all. He does put blinders up in the limo to block the outside from coming in when he’s banging aka putting his penis inside the vagina of a consensual woman, but besides that time it doesn’t really even feel like they’re moving or anything. I kind of had to keep reminding myself that they were seemingly driving around and not just parked somewhere or in some long cylindrical dark room.

I mentioned “he” for a moment and “he” is your masturbatory fantasy, forest runner, window creeping peeping tom, virginal centenarian, and owner of the BIGGEST EYES ever. Yes, Rob Pattinson has ANIME EYES. It’s a syndrome that has affected many. Many women mostly. But just like breast cancer, men can also be afflicted with anime eyes. It’s as if his eyes are trying to escape his head and/or his eyes are trying their best not to fall out of his head.

But, I was under the assumption that Robbles was a squinter.

I have only seen a couple of movies with Rob in them. Most of what I know of Rob is from seeing him in the background of a red carpet or a paparazzi photo that is focused on Kristen Stewart. I always thought the guy had more of a slanty eyed look. Or maybe he’s so high that his eyes are barely open. I don’t know, but I always thought he looked squinty. Either I’m wrong about that or they’ve pried this guy’s eyes open A Clockwork Orange style. They’re kind of daunting and unblinking and almost fish like.

As for Robbie’s acting? Meh. I mean 20 minutes is tough to gauge someone’s acting and this movie isn’t doing him any favors by forcing him to sit in a chair and I guess remain apathetic while reciting disjointed dialogue, but I’m not a fan. He’s wooden. Is he supposed to be wooden? Possibly. Cronenberg is a weirdo plus it’s only 20 minutes in and all that other stuff. But right now, Robby is wooden.

Meanwhile, the best performance of the 20 minutes thus far has been Jay Baruchel. I am a fan of Jay Baruchel. Once long ago, I came up with a movie idea featuring him and Kristen Stewart. I recently thought of a movie idea with him and The Rock. I really liked/loved the movie “Goon” which was his baby. And, I really liked/loved his reaction to his fiance Allison Pill accidentally tweeting a fantastic topless shot of herself last week. So, I’m a fan of Baruchel. I think in a short amount of movies he has shown he can play shy and nerdy and play punky and nutty. In this movie, he’s in it for a few minutes so far as a tweaked out computer guy or something. It’s nothing to write home about, but it was the most energized performance.

Not really much competition as far as performances in the first 20 minutes. You have Rob sitting in a chair and might as well be reciting the phone book, Baruchel freaking, Kevin Durand with his finger in his ear doing his sex phone operator voice, and some woman rolling around on the floor of the limo. It ain’t Schindler’s List, but I’ll watch the rest of it later this week or the next. I’m more curious to see if it remains so sedentary or does it actually pick up the pace and get fun for the viewer. I know I’ve seen other sex scenes in the trailer as well as a gun, a diner scene, the hair cut, and elephants. Did I see elephants? Or was I making that up?

Either way, yeah.

Anime eyes.


2 Responses to “I watched the first 20 minutes of “Cosmopolis” and these are my thoughts”

  1. You meant gorgeous, hypnotizing, vagina-combusting, swoon-w
    worthy anime eyes….right? I thought so…

    not elephants this time….giant rats dressed like people. maybe.

  2. Kim said

    I gotta agree with you here — I made it about 1/2 hour into the movie and fell dead asleep. And I’m a fan of Robbie and his anime eyes, but this movie …. ugh.

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