EMMY’S RED CARPET – The Good, The Bad, The Truth That I’d Like To Sex Them All

September 24, 2012


Let there be no mention of the Steelers loss. Let me repeat. LET THERE BE NO MENTION OF THE STEELERS LOSS! For whatever reason, the Steelers have decided, CALCULATED AND DECIDED, to start the season off 1-2 for some reason, and we’ll find that reason out when they’re hoisting the Lombardi trophy after another successful Super Bowl run in February. End of discussion.

Replacement refs are incompetent and not the coaches nor the players have an ounce of respect for them.

Between drinking whiskey, watching football, watching British dating show “Take Me Out” reruns, and nearly signing a lease for a house to move in with the ole’ gf, I didn’t really do a whole lot, but 3,000 miles away a bunch of the people we pay to look all cute covered in make-up and odd gowns got all dolled up for us to pick at and then give them awards and we call it the Emmy’s. I didn’t watch a second of the Emmy’s to the surprise of no one.

I absolutely hate awards shows to watch them. I hate the bits. I hate the pretense. I hate that there is the aura of superiority for television shows. Some TV shows are works of art and others are fucking horseshit and they’re both nominated for the same damn award, so who gives a fuck. On the other side, the outside, I like what’s happening outside. I’ve fallen in love over the past couple years with the RED CARPET. Not that I’m fucking full-bushed gingers, I’m talking about the long walk we make celebrities walk in their outfits, their costumes, and we get to tear them apart. It’s the only thing by far the majority of the people in attendance actually do at the event, so it’s a participation thing I like plus I like judging people. And who is better to judge than pretty TV people.


Yep. That’s a way to start off the red carpet photos. The right way. I thought she was pregnant? Am I making that up? For the sake of this dress and my own fantasies, she doesn’t appear pregnant and let’s pretend she wasn’t. I really wish I didn’t know about her marriage or fiancee or whatever. That guy seems like a tool. But think about what kind of life this guy leads where he has for years had an on-and-off relationship with Sofia Vergara. I’ve had some friends who have had on-and-off relationships with some chicks, but they weren’t Sofia Vergara. They were usually bitches who would booty call my friend or vice versa and then they would be back to going out and hating each other for another month until they broke up again. That’s kind of what this guy was doing… and it’s with Sofia Vergara! Unbelievable.

Christ. There were some newly single ladies at the Emmy’s who were dressed like they were going home that night with a man, none more than Heidi Klum. If you’re a peripheral star, but can make it to the Emmy’s you should start showing up with an engagement ring and condoms with holes poked in them. If Klum is looking to get locked down, then lock it down, my friend. Imagining her naked is the easy part, remembering she is clothed is the hard part.

Boobs! Later you’ll see that the Queen of Cleavage was actually outdone this year, but her chief mammary rival Kat Dennings. Christina Hendricks should always wear green. I don’t know about a beige or whatever that kind of camouflages into her skin. I need definition lines to know how much boobs am I seeing.

Not really a fan. It’s so much of it. Whatever it is, there’s a lot of it. It’s almost like it’s slowly consuming Julianne Moore and if we can’t get her out of it in the next 48 hours she’ll become that yellow dress. That sounds like a plausible script.

Zooey sad! Why Zooey sad? Why sad Zooey? Dress? Dress make Zooey sad? Event? Emmy’s make Zooey sad? “New Girl”? Zooey watch own show? Zooey, “New Girl” make Jordan sad. “New Girl” make Jordan very sad. Zooey boobs make Jordan happy. Happy Zooey?

Hayden you look lovely. You are a Tinker Bell like sprite that shines. You also are wrapped in a blue net like those dolphins you are trying to save with your tiny voice and tiny self in Japan. They should make a made for TV movie where she basically plays herself as a sexy celeb who takes on the cause of saving dolphins from Japanese fishermen. Then while she’s protesting on the docks in Japan (?) she ends up confronting one young, around her age, fisherman who is actually quite handsome and the two of them start a love/hate relationship. Eventually, they succumb to their desires and the two of them fall in love. He agrees to give up fishing and help her protest. She agrees to watch all the Japanese subway train grope porn that those silly samurai bastards love over there. Sounds like a wonderful love story to me.

He looks like a twerp and she looks like how I would imagine scientologists and/or Vin Diesel’s enemies in The Chronicles of Riddick look like.

Not in love with what is happening here. Julie Bowen is a reverse aging beauty and she has a pair of legs that make adults weep and you can’t see them and her hair looks like she’s just finished a marathon headbanging session at a Motley Crue reunion (all original members still alive surprisingly). I heard she won an Emmy, which is good.

I’m not sure what life after horrendous SNL is to bring Kristen Wiig, but at least she’s starting to look better at these awards shows. I remember a few of them where it literally looked like she got in a fight with her flat iron and stole a dress from the Salvation Army. Looking good, Kristen.

Couple of the year. I won’t lie, I have seen those pictures of Jon Hamm’s hamster running loose in his pants without any underwear to hold it at bay. I’m calling bullshit on those pictures. I’m saying they’re photoshopped. If they’re not photoshopped then I will instantly feel insecure around Jon Hamm if I were around him and would be forced to do something really gorilla-like to prove to him that I am also a man because I don’t want him to think he can just do whatever he wants to me. Also, his wife is pretty.

She can pull off this color I think, at least way more than Julianne Moore. I like that Danes won for “Homeland”. I mean I couldn’t give a fuck either way, but why not. Homeland is a great show and I’m thoroughly excited for it to start up again. Not sure about the top of this dress though. It kind of looks like they forgot about it. Don’t worry Diva Danes, we’ll pin it and fix it and sew it and cut it so that it “fits”, and then they forgot.

Did Portia lose a bet?

If she lost a bet then that’s ok. Happens to the best of us. Maybe she has a gambling problem and we should look into that.

If not, then, no. No, Portia! Bad, Portia!

Fucking Hell. TINA! Why does Tina Fey have to look this good? That’s my question.

I’m also not bending or breaking on the idea that she walks around in this type of stuff at home (when her kid is off strutting at pre-school) and her subservient gnome husband is hunched over in the corner masturbating and talking to himself like Gollum. PRECIOUS!

It’s TOO SOON. It’s simply too soon for all of us to make jokes about her and Will Arnett breaking up. It’s too raw and this wound may never heal with time. WHY?! Just stay married for America and your kids I suppose.

She tries.

I’ll give Ginnifer Goodwin that. She’s a very pretty woodland elf who was sexy cute on “Big Love”. Outside of that, all I really know Ginnifer for is her odd spelling name and her penchant for trying to look like she wants IT so hard on these Red Carpets. She does want IT, and the IT is to want IT. It’s like an ouroboros where she wants to want IT, so bad, but she’s really not wanting IT as much as she is wanting wanting IT, but that’s kind of like wanting IT. So fierce though. Why so fierce, Ginnifer? She just wants to want IT so fucking badly.

Ho-Lee-Fuck. Holy fuck. HOLY FUCK!

Where else are you supposed to look?! That’s what I want to know. Actually, I could give a fuck about that. I can’t help myself from looking and you shouldn’t stop yourself either. I mean they’re works of art. They were what was inside the Ark of the Covenant. It’s like 3 things came out of the Ark of the Covenant – Kristen Stewart, Kat Dennings’ boobs, and Jessica Alba’s ass. They all just want IT. Good Lord, look at those boobs. Men could go mad just staring at them. Women could go mad trying to make their own look like those. It’s like Kat Dennings merely exists so those boobs could be transported around more easily. Those boobs had to exist and thus Kat Dennings exists.


I can’t stop looking at this picture. It’s insane. And if you can break connection with her boobs for a second, Kat is smiling and watching you watch her boobs. How is she not the greatest bank robber or something like that. Also, how is she not in every movie in a bikini? I’ll never understand that. It’s been awhile since those boobs for showed up in “40 Year Old Virgin” and still no director has put her in a revolving door of bikinis for 90 minutes. That’s fucking insane! This is how bad Hollywood is at making movies. That’s a surefire hit each and every time all the time.


Those boobs are now making me angry. That’s the process. First awe, then joy, then anger. It’s like when something is so beautiful it pains you because you know that one day you’ll be dead and never know something that beautiful again. That’s what it is like.

If that’s not fucking Cinderella – minus a tiara of course – then I don’t know what the fuck Cinderella is. Julianne Hough to play Cinderella with a bunch of crazy ass dance scenes. We start filming tomorrow.

There are literally over a hundred of these photographs and I can’t go through any more of them after the Kat Dennings one. It is basically all I can think about at this moment. But I suggest taking a look for yourself. Most look like they’re in bad prom dresses or bad bridesmaid dresses. But I did want to point out someone to you that I just do not understand in the fucking slightest.

That person – Kaley Cuoco.

I’ve seen an episode or two of “The Big Bang Theory”. She plays the pretty blonde who has a nice rack and cute personality across the way. She’s that hot chick who the nerd is trying to always be with. And on the show, she is every bit the hot girl she’s supposed to be. They dress her up in tank tops and sports bras and really just normal clothes I suppose, but she looks good and her boobs are always looking even better.

In real life, Kaley Cuoco either HATES being good looking or has the WORST stylist of all time.

This is Kaley at the Emmy’s…

Kaley’s doing herself no favors with that look on her face, but what’s up with her face and her hair? What are you doing, Kaley? It looks like she just got done climbing trees with the local neighborhood boys. I don’t like the dress either, but what’s up with the other stuff? If you’re thinking that’s bad or isn’t bad enough, here is Kaley at the pre-party fashion stuff dinners things…

Awwww… Kaley. What the fuck? What did you do to your head? Like your whole head. What’s going on there? You’ve got this crazy nest on top and are those dread lock twists on bottom. Who does that? Why would you want to be the person who does that? What’s happening, Kaley? Do we need to talk about something? Is this a bet you lost? Did you and Portia both make bets with the wrong people? Tell me, Kaley. You can trust me with this information and you can trust me that I’ll never do that to your hair. It looks like a crazy person combed your hair with sticks and then let some mama birds create a friendly nest in your head.

At the very least, have the people from “Big Bang Theory” dress you when you go outside because this is nuts.

We can help you, Kaley. Just let us. And never let that nut job who did this within a 100 yards of you.

How was your weekend?

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