Yep.

I think the title says it all.

Last night, I was gifted a copy of “Cosmopolis” from a good friend of mine named the World Wide Web. I wasn’t planning on watching it last night, but right before it was time for me to finally break the electronic umbilical chord between me and my computer – I had to take a peak at this movie for a minute or 20.

My first thought – I don’t know if I’m in love with the limo.

It’s kind of awkward looking. For what seemingly will be the main set of this movie, you really don’t get the feeling that they’re in a limo driving around more so just sitting in a limo on the set. Maybe they try to get into that more, but in the first 20 it doesn’t really sell that the limo is moving around that much or at all. He does put blinders up in the limo to block the outside from coming in when he’s banging aka putting his penis inside the vagina of a consensual woman, but besides that time it doesn’t really even feel like they’re moving or anything. I kind of had to keep reminding myself that they were seemingly driving around and not just parked somewhere or in some long cylindrical dark room.

I mentioned “he” for a moment and “he” is your masturbatory fantasy, forest runner, window creeping peeping tom, virginal centenarian, and owner of the BIGGEST EYES ever. Yes, Rob Pattinson has ANIME EYES. It’s a syndrome that has affected many. Many women mostly. But just like breast cancer, men can also be afflicted with anime eyes. It’s as if his eyes are trying to escape his head and/or his eyes are trying their best not to fall out of his head.

But, I was under the assumption that Robbles was a squinter.

I have only seen a couple of movies with Rob in them. Most of what I know of Rob is from seeing him in the background of a red carpet or a paparazzi photo that is focused on Kristen Stewart. I always thought the guy had more of a slanty eyed look. Or maybe he’s so high that his eyes are barely open. I don’t know, but I always thought he looked squinty. Either I’m wrong about that or they’ve pried this guy’s eyes open A Clockwork Orange style. They’re kind of daunting and unblinking and almost fish like.

As for Robbie’s acting? Meh. I mean 20 minutes is tough to gauge someone’s acting and this movie isn’t doing him any favors by forcing him to sit in a chair and I guess remain apathetic while reciting disjointed dialogue, but I’m not a fan. He’s wooden. Is he supposed to be wooden? Possibly. Cronenberg is a weirdo plus it’s only 20 minutes in and all that other stuff. But right now, Robby is wooden.

Meanwhile, the best performance of the 20 minutes thus far has been Jay Baruchel. I am a fan of Jay Baruchel. Once long ago, I came up with a movie idea featuring him and Kristen Stewart. I recently thought of a movie idea with him and The Rock. I really liked/loved the movie “Goon” which was his baby. And, I really liked/loved his reaction to his fiance Allison Pill accidentally tweeting a fantastic topless shot of herself last week. So, I’m a fan of Baruchel. I think in a short amount of movies he has shown he can play shy and nerdy and play punky and nutty. In this movie, he’s in it for a few minutes so far as a tweaked out computer guy or something. It’s nothing to write home about, but it was the most energized performance.

Not really much competition as far as performances in the first 20 minutes. You have Rob sitting in a chair and might as well be reciting the phone book, Baruchel freaking, Kevin Durand with his finger in his ear doing his sex phone operator voice, and some woman rolling around on the floor of the limo. It ain’t Schindler’s List, but I’ll watch the rest of it later this week or the next. I’m more curious to see if it remains so sedentary or does it actually pick up the pace and get fun for the viewer. I know I’ve seen other sex scenes in the trailer as well as a gun, a diner scene, the hair cut, and elephants. Did I see elephants? Or was I making that up?

Either way, yeah.

Anime eyes.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Let me just say, l’shana tova to all the Jews and Jewesses that I can only hope are reading this blog before and after graphic sex sessions in between a hole in a sheet. I kid. Of course, you don’t use a hole in a sheet! Who would think something preposterous like that? Who would say something preposterous like that?! That would be like running for President of the United States and telling a bunch of people that they don’t care about 47% of the country and it isn’t their job as hypothetical President to take care of them. That would be the dumbest thing someone could ever say… outside of say 51% I suppose.

Yes, I am alive and “well” as ever for the start of this holy new year of new experiences and new possibilities and, of course, MORE FOOTBALL! I should say I didn’t post yesterday because I was observing a high holy day of the wonderful and oft misunderstood Jewish faith. But in reality, I was hungover from watching Monday Night Football and I was going to drive somewhere, so I spent the morning gathering myself from my hungoverness.

That was a ridiculous game with ridiculous reffing and ridiculous play. The Atlanta Falcons are gifted three interception within in the first 10 minutes of the game and yet the game still came down to them needing to make a 3rd and 5 catch to stop the chance of Peyton Manning having 3 minutes a timeout and the 2 minute warning to put together a game winning drive. It certainly showed Manning is still fallible. It also showed that the Falcons are a very good football team, but a great football is still off on the horizon. I remember watching the Falcons tear apart Mike Vick in week 2 last year, and they still barely won that game.

Anyway…

Besides football, Barack Obama, the New Year, and getting shitty drunk… I have found a new hobby!

YELP!

Yes, Yelp. I have had the app on my phone since the very beginning and have found it to be very useful. Until this weekend, I had never perused the actual website. On Saturday night, I was thinking about the bars in Morristown, New Jersey and if there was one I hadn’t eaten at that I would like to try or just go to one of the ones I have eaten at a million times at this point. It turned into the latter and that was fine, but I did type into the google search bar a query about a possible “menu” that that bar possibly could have.

While I never found a menu, I did find COMEDIC GOLD!

The first google report was for the Yelp page on that particular bar. I clicked on it and was greeted with 10 reviews that people had taken time out of their lives to write and clearly put some thought into. What it showed more than anything was a perverse subjectivity that each of these people lived their lives by. Stories, minute stories, that they not only felt the urge to tell us, but for us to base an entire bar’s history/existence on their one time flirting with this establishment. Or even better, multiple times at an establishment that they hated, which made them out to be the crazy people they would have to be because why would you continue to go back to a place you hate… a place you are convincing yourself you hate so much that you are indeed writing an online review saying that you hate it.

It’s unbelievable. I have since looked at Yelp reviews for almost every bar in Morristown and they have hilarious reviews as well. It also appears to be a weird cross section of the universe because people who live in New York City are posting Yelp reviews about these Morristown bars. What in the fuck are you doing? Why would you live in New York and make a point to leave there, go an hour out of your way into the suburbs of New Jersey to find a bar? A bar?! There are a GAZILLION (actual number) bars in New York. If you’re stupid enough that in your night out, you decide not to go to one of a GAZILLION bars within walking, subway, or cab distance, and instead decide to leave the city and drive or take a train an hour to the suburbs of New Jersey and aren’t pleased with what you find then GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Well… if they just did that then I wouldn’t have this comedy gold. So maybe, I should thank them. Thank you for your idiocy. Thank you for your odd expectations. Thank you for your inductive reasoning that your 3 hours at this bar is the only 3 hours at this bar over and over and over again for all eternity.

As, I have spent too much time hyping this up… let me just give you a feel of these reviews and tomorrow (unless Kristen Stewart wears Rob’s hat again or something) I’ll post a bunch of the reviews. For now, the first of possibly many days and weeks from now.

This is a review for the bar “Sona 13”. It is from a Yelp reviewer who goes by Steve B. who has reviewed everything from a Wachovia bank in bumfuck, NJ to a Chipotle in Kentucky which he brought to an airport. All true. Anyway, Steve B. has reviewed pretty much all the places in Morristown, so it’s time you get to know him and his absurd life. His comments will be in bold and mine in regular fonty font typeface. This is the first installment of “What a YELPing idiot” and your life will forever be changed FOREVER…

July 16th, 2010 … 1 out of 5 stars

F*ck Sona Thirteen.  

Woooooooo!!!! Steve B. is pissed!

I absolutely love the venue, but the people there can lick my b*lls.  

Yeah! Lick the mighty Steve “YELPing Superstar” B.’s BALLS! That’s right lick the man’s balls! He wouldn’t even enjoy it either. Even though it feel really good. Like it sends chills up your spine in a good way. Like when someone is licking your balls you almost feel like you’re floating. Like you’re in a pool of happiness. But no! NOT TODAY! SONA MOTHERFUCKERS! LICK HIS BALLS! Not for pleasure, but for punishment!

When the crowd was preppy, I was okay with it.  When the crowd was Ed Hardy douchy, I lived with it.  Now that the crowd is trashy garbage, I’m not ok.  

Hmmmmm… what? He lived with Ed Hardy douchebags, but can’t handle trashy garbage. Sounds one in the same to me, but carry on. Steve B. is a complex man.

First to explain, I am a very tall person with a distinctive look; I have never been mistaken for anyone short of an NBA player or my own brother.  

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh… no. C’mon, guy. You are a white guy who has written over 400 Yelp reviews, I don’t care how “very tall” you are – no one thinks you’re in the NBA. An “NBA player”? Basketball? Are you talking about “basketball”? He’s certainly not a college ball or even a European league player – strictly the professional National Basketball Association circuit for Steve B. Also, what in the fuck does he mean by “distinctive look”? I can see his avatar and he’s a white guy with a goatee, I’ve seen a million of those. Not distinctive, no more distinctive than any other person ever ever. And I suppose his brother is someone famous that I’m mistaking him for. Just for edification, none of what he says in his pronouncement that he’s a possible “NBA player” explains anything that is about to follow. NONE OF IT.

So… tell us your story, Steve B.

Yet nary 4 minutes after entering said venue less than an hour ago, a female decided to use her full force to elbow me in the balls, then her friend went and punched me in the stomach.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH… yet nary… hahahahahahahahhahahahahahah’s. I don’t know what to say Steve B., but maybe these females had a hit out on an NBA player you look so much alike or even your brother. So, this dude walked into a bar, this very tall distinctive looking person, and got elbowed in the ball then punched in the stomach then cried his way home right into a Yelp review scolding the bar’s establishment. I’ll give you 1 star! HAHAHAH!

 To say I was in shock was an understatement – had I reacted as I should have I would be arrested right now or worse.  

Hmmm… “should have”? Sounds like you “should have” is a substitute for beating up women. And who were these mystical elves that nut punched and stomach punched you and then disappeared into the wind? I love the idea that this place is literally so incalculably massive that Steve literally couldn’t find them nor did anyone else see this take place. Also, “or worse” than being arrested? Does he mean he would go on such a rampage of tearing these chicks limb from limb that the only way the cops would be able to subdue him is with a live ammo kill shot? Ok, bud. It’s your Yelp review.

Yet these absolute pieces of garbage disappeared into the crowd as quickly as they appeared; the sad thing is that these trashy hos were very similar to other people in the crowd.

No wonder he tucked tail and ran. Seriously, an entire bar of trashy hos who elbow “NBA player” look-a-likes in the nuts and then run off into the shadows is a scary place to be in.

I’ve heard bad things about the clientele shift of late but have not seen it for myself until now.  

Mind you, I went to Sona for the first time ONE MONTH after he wrote this review and unless a Gene Hackman style “Little Bill” from “Unforgiven” sheriff came in and got rid of these testicle smashing tramps in that period of time then I have no fucking clue what this guy is talking about. I’ve been to Sona at least 2 dozen times and have never had my genitals attacked. Also, I’m not sure if Steve B. ever had the chance to venture back in, but Sona has a lovely Captain Crunch encrusted chicken fingers appetizer that is quite delectable.

And while I’m sure that most people who go to Sona wouldn’t want to nail me in the balls without even knowing me, I feel the need to call the place out.

Even though I understand I’m being completely irrational, I’m going to be completely irrational.

Next time I see these two anywhere I can guarantee that I will exact vengeance on them;

Uhhhhh… TO THE POLICE OF MORRISTOWN! There is a very tall person, male, distinctive look, could be mistaken for an NBA player, may have a double that is his brother, and he is looking to kill women with his bare hands. Might want to look if there are any cold cases that fit that description dating back to the Summer of 2010.

that being said, the crowd shift that allows such activities to ensue will not result in me returning in the near future.  In other words, F*ck Sona Thirteen.

In other words, I am a YELPing idiot.

I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.

Call me shallow, call me what you will, but, of course, I feel a million bucks better today than last Monday because the Pittsburgh Steelers won and won convincingly AND won over the professional tackle football team I dislike the most – the New York Jets. So, I’m happy about all that.

I had a pretty fun weekend, which entailed seeing “Lawless”. I wouldn’t recommend the movie. I would recommend seeing “The Proposition”, which is the movie that the same writer and director pair made before “Lawless”, which also features Guy Pearce. I haven’t read the book nor know the story that the movie “Lawless” is based on. If the movie is being faithful to the book and story then I wonder why the movie was made. If the movie isn’t being faithful then I wonder why the movie was made and why they made any of the choices they made in the process of making this movie. The movie was told awkwardly, the only end game everyone could predict is them killing Guy Pearce at some point, and Jessica Chastain bumping uglies with Tom Hardy. That’s about it and that does happen. As for the rest of it? It could’ve been a lot better.

Either way…

FOOTBALL!

So, like last week, Brew Dawgz will be in bold and I’ll be in your average type font…

Week 2 – Recap
Just got 15 more to go! WOOOOO!!!!
 
1.  Game of the day – Eagles v. Ravens.  This was a chippy one.  The replacement officials looked out of their element and were very close to losing complete control of this one.  This was a story of two halves. Ravens looked like they were going to run away with this one but the Eagles Defense stepped it up (lead by middle linebacker stud DeMarco Ryans) in the second half and the Ravens had to settle for FG’s and not TD’s, giving Mike Vick the chance to rebound from another turnover filled performance.  Eagles – 9 turnovers this season become the first team since the 1983 Rams to go 2-0 after turning it over 9 times in their first two games.  Ravens offense needs to be more consistent if they are going to take the next step.
Eagles win 2 games by 1 point each against AFC North teams. Odd. The Eagles still haven’t addressed the worst area of their team and that is the cornerstone of any great football team – their offensive line. Almost every time Vick drops back to throw a pass, he gets hit throwing the pass. It’s incredible. I’m amazed the guy can walk after receiving all this punishment. I’ve said this before and will say it again, the people out there who want their 10 pounds of flesh from Michael Vick – they couldn’t have asked for a better team for him to play for because the dude gets rocked at least 20 times a game. As for the Ravens, they’re a big bad team, but speed isn’t their strong suit. The Steelers generally have that problem too. Going blow for blow is one thing, but a foot race is another. The Eagles can’t keep winning games filled with turnovers and the Ravens’ offense needs to continue to step it up as everyone thought they did in the first week. For Joe Flacco, being a great QB isn’t about one game or two games, it’s about 14 games in a row and 16 games in a row.
2.  Arizona has a good defense. They can cover, they can bottle up the run and they are physical.  Beating New England in Foxoborough doesn’t come easy (Brady is 37-2 in his lat 39 regular season home games).  The key was that Arizona made the Pats settle for FG’s which kept them close.  With that said, I still think New England should have won regardless of the missed FG as time expired.  They will not be flat next weekend with the Ravens coming to town for Sunday Night Football.
Coach Belicheck was about the only person last week who believed the Cardinals could beat his Patriots. He was pointing out things like the Cardinals winning 10 out of their last 12 games dating back to last season. He couldn’t say enough good things about them. In the end, maybe he said too many good things about them because his team couldn’t get off the ball and be the dominate force they usually are. It’s very weird seeing the Patriots lose to a west coast team in their own house, but football is fucking crazy like that. Patriots will be fine throughout the season, but that is wild that they lost.
3.  Carolina dominated the Saints defense.  They couldn’t stop the pass, the run, the option anything.  Big problems for the Saints.  Can’t say that head coaches in the NFL don’t matter as the Saints drop to 0-2 for the first time since 2007.  Brees also looks like he is pressing.  They need to get healthy next sunday against the Chiefs.
From what I’ve seen of the Chiefs, they suck and the Saints should be ready to run over them. At the same time, I have no idea why the Saints lost this game. The Carolina Panthers defense is atrocious. They can’t stop the run, and they can’t stop the pass. It’s not “bend not break” philosophy – it’s a “I hope they screw up 3 plays in a row, which forces them to punt” philosophy. Meanwhile, Cam was doing a good job mixing up the pass and the run. Big win for Carolina. Another big loss for the Saints. I feel like the Chiefs are going 0-3 under Romeo sweet Romeo and the Saints will finally get a W in 2012.
4.  CJ Spiller just took Fred Jackson’s job forever.  Buffalo isn’t as good as they played in week 2 and they aren’t as bad as they played in week 1.  I have no idea what week 3 will hold.  Also, the Chiefs were a sexy pic to win the AFC West entering the season which is dumbfounding when you remember sweet Romeo is their head coach.
Yeeeeeep. Fred Jackson, how little we knew ye. CJ Spiller has played back-to-back good games. Yesterday’s was in fact great. He even did a good job against the Jets. But the Bills are a mystery even to themselves. The Chiefs look like garbage. I feel like we’re going to get another mid-season coaching change in Kansas City.
5.  Andrew Luck played a great game yesterday.  He managed the clock and controlled the flow of the game.  He made smart decisions and didn’t try to do too much and then lead the game winning drive. Adam Vinetarri is made for game winning kicks but nailing a 53 yard FG with time running out is very impressive, even for a hall of fame. He also speaks like a deaf man.  It is disturbing. The Vikings are going to play a ton of close games this season.  Nearly went to overtime in back to back weekends.
Agreed on all accounts. If the Vikings had a couple of the personnel from the Chiefs on their team then they would be a legit team. The Vikes just haven’t had a dominating performance a couple weeks in a row to make teams worry about them. They’re also one of those teams that a new player each week has to step up and have a big game for them to be relevant. As for the Colts, they’re doing fine. I think they’re going to be 6-10 or 7-9 this year. Luck is still the least sexy QB in the league, but his touchdowns are 6 points like everyone else and he’s only going to get better at this game. His neck beard gives him strength.
6.  The Browns looked much, much better in week 2 but they just don’t have the talent that the Bengals do.  If you are Cincy you got to be happy about the win but you got to be concerned that you let the Browns hang around all game and they couldn’t tackle Trent Richardson.  Can not let bad teams hang around and think you are going to make the playoffs.
Trent Richardson is looking like a great pick by the Browns. People were shitting all over that pick during the draft, but Richardson looks like Adrian Peterson before all the injuries. I worry with running backs that they’ll be forced to carry too much weight and end up breaking down, but right now Richardson has fresh legs and is running people over. For the first time in a LONG TIME, the Bengals are who they thought they were for years, which is a pass friendly offense that can put up a lot of points. Right now, the focus is on AJ Green, but if they could get someone else in there with Green then they would be something out there.
7.  Houston is the best team in the AFC.  DE J.J. Watts should be nicknamed J.J. Swatts because he has batted 5 balls in two games.  Huge plays.  Blaine Gabbert aka Sunshine, looked like JaMarcus the King Russell yesterday.
True. And, True. Also, Blaine Gabbert will be going to England with the Jaguars over the next 4 years. Gabbert better shape up so he can keep his job until then because who doesn’t want an island full of British wrongly wearing your jersey instead of someone who is actually good, but has never stepped foot in England. The Texans are bad men. Almost made it to the Super Bowl with a third string QB.
8.  The Colt of Elijah grows.  510 pass yds! (GMEN franchise record – they have been playing football in NY since the 1920’s)  243 pass yds in a 25 point 4th quarter!  Bomb TD passes to Hicks, Cruz, and the Black Unicorn!  All after throwing 3 terrible first half picks!  Nobody and mean Nobody plays the 4th quarter like Eli and he redeemed his bad first half and a bad GMEN defensive performance because he never stops competing. 
Big win for the Giants because they would’ve been sunk and laughed out of town for losing 2 straight even after coming off winning a Super Bowl earlier this year. The Bucs! Wow! I don’t care what the fucking spread is for this week, I’m betting on the Bucs over the Cowboys. Greg Schiano has coached those boys into a frenzy. All I can imagine is that everyday is Eric LeGrand day and they are playing their asses off for that wonderful man. Elijah needs to stop throwing INTs. He was doing that last year and still won the Super Bowl, but he wasn’t throwing those INTs in the playoffs.
9.  Miami, taking advantage of the heat and humid, making the Raiders wear their black jerseys in the 90+ heat, completely wilted Oakland in the second half.  Tan Man had 0 batted balls after 5 the first week, rushed for a TD and threw his first (of many) TD’s, but obviously the story was REGGIE! REGGIE! REGGIE!.  Dude touted the rock 26 times for 172 yds and two absolutely spectacular TD runs.  The first of which he broke 5 tackles the other he outran the entire Oakland defense.  The real story though, the Ball-phins defense is dangerously good (and criminally underrated) and will keep them in games every week.  The Ball-phins are going to beat the Jets next week in Miami.  Heard it hear first. Because …
I agree. I agree. I agree. I bet on Miami winning this game like this. I remember last year when the Raiders made the pilgrimage to Miami and were RUN OVER. And the same thing happened this year. I expect the Jets to lose in Miami, also like they did last year. As for Miami, they are a better team with Reggie Bush playing like a man. A competent quarterback. And their defense has some nice talent throughout it. I like cornerback Sean Smith the most on the Dolphins D. Dude is big, fast, rough, and if he ever learns to catch the ball will lead the league in interceptions one day. As for the Raiders, I’ve never been sold on the Raiders. I think the coaching change last season was a joke and Hue Jackson should still have his job in Oakland. That team is 100% wrapped around if Darren McFadden has an enormous day, which makes it tough when everyone else knows that too.
10.  The Jets offense is not good.  Take away the first quarter TD drive and the Jets did nothing against a banged up Steelers.  As good as Sanchez looked last week he looked as bad in the final 3 quarters on Sunday.  The Jets had no running game and couldn’t convert a 3rd down to save their lives.  Also, the Crow Ball got burned terribly by Mike Wallace in the end zone and their defense had no answer for Ben Roethlisberger (playing with 3rd string RB’s).  Steelers don’t lose home openers but they dismantled a Jets team that has a lot more questions this morning then they did 48 hours ago.
Steelers should have won this game by more. There was a stretch of 4 possessions the Steelers did nothing with in the 3rd quarter because of their own sheer stupidity. They gave the Jets dozens of opportunities to come back into the game, but the Jets couldn’t capitalize. I really loved the effort by Dwyer and Redman, the two big bad running backs the Steelers have who are carrying the load for the injured Rashard Mendenhall. Some may think that they’ve replace Rashard, but they haven’t. If anything, they’ve highlighted where they fit in and where Rashard should fit in. Rashard has the breakout speed that they don’t have and he can be the lightning to those two’s thunder. Dwyer rarely breaks a run for more than a few yards, but in the process he’ll have broken 2 or 3 tackles. He is looking to hit the defense and I like that. There were some terrible ref calls in this game – especially the interference call on Ike Taylor following Ryan Clarks decleating tackle. I think they threw the flag on Clark because they thought it was illegal because of how vicious it was, but realized it wasn’t helmet to helmet or launching that is was legal, so they just called it on the closest guy not named Clark. Fucking ridiculous call.
11.  Russell Wilson played solid, Marshawn Lynch ran wild, the Seattle Defense is making some noise as one of the better units in the league and beating Seattle at home looks like a more and more daunting task.  Dallas was terrible yesterday.  I don’t know if it was because they were flat or if Seattle is that good (probably somewhere in the middle) but that was a big road set back for the Boys.  Also, the NFC West went undefeated yesterday.  The days of that being the worst division in football are offfically over.  AFC South takes that title now.
I stupidly bet on the Cowboys I think on this game going against my gut. Sometimes I do things even I don’t understand. The Cowboys aren’t that good even though they beat the Giants. And the Seahawks aren’t that bad even though they lost to the Cardinals. Seattle is a dangerous team. You can beat them, but, as mentioned, if you travel to Seattle – you will play a fired up bunch up there. I like Wilson and I like Lynch and I like their coach Carroll. Cowboys are still the team they were last year in my opinion. No better or worse.
12.  The Rams down 21-6 with 2 minutes to go in the first half and then they took over.  RGIII was good but not great and as the game went on the less impact he had.  Bradford played well even if not flashy.  Josh Morgan picks up a terrible flag on a drive to win the game and the Redskins come back to earth a little bit.
Sam Bradford looks like he is over his shitty year last year. The Rams at home is a dangerous team and with Jeff Fischer as the coach I expect that to be the case always. Redskins, they’re a good football team. They’re offense is still running and chucking, but they are a good team and will beat good teams this year. They need to get more of a middle ground offense going with plays to their tight end and slot receivers, but they are good at running and chucking.
13.  Titans are terrible and the Chargers defense is for real.  San Diego looks like they are going to be legitimate this season.
Philip Rivers is tossing touchdowns like it is going out of a style.
14.  49ers owned the Lions last night, I don’t care about the score.  49ers are balanced on offense and defense and they are the team to beat right now.
49ers are the best team in football without a doubt. That game could’ve been won by another 3 touchdowns had some people caught some of Alex Smith’s passes that hit them right in their damn hands. Jim Harbaugh knows what the hell he is doing. That team looks great. The defense is unbreakable and their offense is smooth as silk. I love how they’re using Frank Gore right now. He looks more effective right now taking half as many snaps than he ever has before. Great football team.
That’s it for us. I’m actually heading into the city right now to meet up with Brew Dawgz to watch the Falcons vs. the Broncos.
How was your weekend?

Uhhhhhhhhh…

September 14, 2012

It’s fucking Friday!

This means that if I drink tonight it’s not really apart of my “problem” it’s part of my “solution” for surviving another boring week of days that are 24 hours and are just lame. How lame are Tuesdays? Right?! Fuck Tuesday. And Wednesday? Hump day? More like boring as fuck day. So, it’s Friday and I’ll have a scotch or 8 when I watch The Ultimate Fighter tonight. Wooo!

What else is going on?

Well, Destiny Newton’s man erupted on the Chicago Bears last night with the help of some of his friends like Clay Matthews, Charles Woodson, and Tramon Williams.

There’s also this thing going on in the Middle East where everyone is losing their fucking minds and attacking embassies for no fucking reason whatsoever. That’s happening. A fucking gang committing gang violence is a fucking gang. A bunch of young dudes with nothing else to do and access to weapons and no care about human life. That’s a gang. Try to philosophize the situation all you want, it’s a gang and gangs push violence as their agenda. Whether it is in the Southside of Chicago or the streets of Yemen – disaffected youth with guns and no future will lash out at anything. Fuck all of them.

Thankfully, I am thousands of miles away from that and it really doesn’t directly affect me and I’m sorry for those that it does. I wish people didn’t incite violence, but they do. It’s disgusting that there are people who specifically do that because that’s how they believe the world should be. They are horrible people. And with that, the people who then take that opportunity to do violence because they feel like doing it – those people are horrible and disgusting people as well.

I live just South of Asbury Park, New Jersey. The latest data I can find is from 2010. But in 2010, there were over 1100 violent crimes committed in Asbury Park. A thousand. That’s a potpourri of assaults, rapes, murders et cetera. That was an average year for Asbury Park over the past decade. Was it fueled by religion? Does it matter? What does it matter in the grand scheme of things what it is fueled by? People have access to weapons. People have little regard for others. People have nothing, but the violence they can commit on others. Looking at the Asbury numbers versus the national averages makes me absolutely sick. It’s disgusting that a town less than a mile from me is filled to the brim horribleness and at the same time – it’s a normal fucking town. It’s pretty normal all things considered.

Asbury is on the higher end of violent crime in New Jersey, but it’s not the worst. And the worst in New Jersey isn’t the worst in the US. And the worst in the US? I don’t know. Is it worse than places where what’s happening to these embassies are happening? Day in and day out, I would say yes. And at the same time, there are people there trying to live normal lives amongst this fucking filth. It’s filth who commit these crimes. It’s filth who continue to push others to commit others crimes in the future.

Fuck it.

I wasn’t planning on writing any of that, but whatever.

It’s fucking bullshit what is going on over in the Middle East is happening. It’s fucking bullshit that there are on average well over 50 REPORTED rapes a year in the town next to me. On average, a rape a week? That’s fucking debilitating sad.

Fuck it.

..

.

I watched this video yesterday and I have no idea what any of it means, but I found it fucking hysterical.

Sorry for bumming you out.

I hope you have a great weekend.

Hello there and thank fucking God for FOOT-BALL!

I need to be entertained. I have a sickness and that sickness is that I need to be entertained near constantly like I’m a middle ages king with a court jester working himself to death all day every day for a chortle or two. Thankfully, the internet has been the never-ending crack cocaine to keep giving me my fix. At first, the internet can be boring if you’re on it all the time, but no matter how much time you spend on the internet you’ll always run across something new and exciting and usually insane.

Meanwhile the TV… it sucks a big dick.

Let’s be honest here, if there isn’t something specific on TV then the TV is just an enormous piece of technology laughing at you and your boredom. Besides FOOT-BALL, I don’t have anything to watch on TV. Now, that Breaking Bad is over until next year, I have nothing to watch on Sunday nights and between that and Louie on Thursday – I think those were the only two TV shows I was watching. Starting this Friday is The Ultimate Fighter season one million, which will be great… hopefully.

So, the rest of my life is watching professional tackle football. It’s on Sunday day, Sunday night, Monday night, Thursday night, and Showtime has an hour long clip show called Inside the NFL, which is on Wednesday night. So, I’ve got football, football, football, football, and football. That’s about it. Baseball? Maybe when it’s the world series, but right now I couldn’t give any less of a fuck about what they’re doing out there. FOOT-BALL.

Plus, football is a nice distraction from the news that the entire Middle East is attacking US embassies all because SOME FUCKING ASSHOLE made a movie that no actual American has ever seen. And to be perfectly frank, I never even heard of “Coptic Christians” until this week and now one of them or a few of them are causing Americans to die and embassies to get stormed because they decided to troll Muslims. Fucking people. Idiots.

Any-hoozle!

Tonight, is the Chicago Bears at the Green Bay Packers!

It will be a pass friendly game and we’ll see which team can get to the other team’s quarterback while not letting up a bajillion points. I’m in a pick ’em league where you pick who you think is going to win plus the betting spread. I picked the Packers and they’re giving up 5 points. So, in this fantastical world of betting, the Packers must win by more than 5 points for me to win the bet. We’ll see.

As mentioned in an early article about all quarterbacks pretty much having blonde ladies they are having monogamous sexual relations with… Aaron Rodgers of the Packers and Jay Cutler of the Bears fall right in line with that. Instead of giving some grand breakdown of the two teams and why I picked the Packers, how about we just take a look at the ladies of these team leaders’ lives and decide from there…

First up, Aaron Rodgers’ bff gf … DESTINY NEWTON!

Wowzers!

There’s like a 6 point touchdown in my pants right now. Am I right?! Woooo!

Talk about the set of wide receivers on this lass. I’d like to get my hands on her Jordy Nelson’s, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Wooo!

I mean I’d love to give her the old Cedric Benson up the gut… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! AM I RIGHT?!

I’d give her the future Hall of Famer Charles Woodson treatment – I’m talking about stripping and sacking! UP TOP! WHAAAAAAAAT! AM I RIGHT?! AM I RIGHT?!

Wooooo!!!

She’s got prettier blonde hair than Clay Matthews.

Well, I think I’m out of those witticisms.

There’s the happy couple.

Is this chick always in a bikini? That’d be awesome.

Actually, these pictures I think are from some paparazzi tailing Rodgers all the way to Hawaii.

As of right now, I believe Destiny is pregnant from all the posts about her supposedly being pregnant that pop up when you google Destiny Newton’s name. And to that I say, good for the two of them. Apparently, these two have known each other for quite awhile and if she’s having his unborn fetus growing inside of her, hopefully he puts a ring on it.

Destiny seems quite lovely in all these bikinis, but there is one “detractor”…

Lower back tattoo? Destiny!

I don’t know what’s worse, a tribal lower back tattoo or the Green Bay Packers’ pass rush! IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!! HAHAHAH… hahahah… hoooo… heh… hmmmm… ok.

Whatever. At least, it’s not something like “living la vida loca” or something which we have all seen too many times, am I right?

On the other side of the field… in the stands somewhere I suppose is Jay Cutler’s soon-to-be-wife, baby’s momma, and fiancee(?)… KRISTIN CAVALLARI!

VA-VOOM!

I’d like to run some Tampa Two up and down her field, AM I RIGHT?!

I’d like to get some penetration on her all night from both ends of the line, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! That’s Julius Peppers style! AM I RIGHT?!

I’d put it right between her uprights all the time, every time, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!! I’M TALKING ABOUT ROBBIE GOULD! WOOOO!!!!

I’d (Matt) FORTE HER RIGHT IN THE (Michael) BUSH! AM I RIGHT?!!! WOOO!!!! IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANZZZZZ!!!! WOOO!!!

I love Devin Hester.

Let’s get a look at the happy couple.

I don’t know how these two met, but I hope Cutler was a big fan of Laguna Beach and so forth. It worked for her first boyfriend Brody Jenner. That guy just watched the show and was like, “I want to be on that show.” And next thing you know, he’s on the damn show.

I kind of hope Cutler was watching it one day and was like, “I’d like to have sex and a baby with that one blonde who has a boyfriend that I could beat up with my pinky toes.” And boom! He’s doing all those things.

Actually, when the two of them started dating I was really hoping that Cutler would start appearing on the show. That would’ve been the funniest fucking thing ever. Generally speaking, Jay Cutler never looks happy like he does in that picture. He usually has a scowl on his face and his eyes look angry/uninterested. That would’ve been amazing seeing him having to interact with that dumb ass Pratt. What’s his first name? The one who was carrying around crystals and such. Whatever. I guess his 15 minutes are up because I can’t think of his first name and I’m definitely not going to bother looking it up.

Anyway, good job, Jay. You haven’t let your diabetes slow you down on the football field or nailing beautiful blonde chicks from California.

Sidenote: Rodgers, Cutler, and Philip Rivers from the San Diego Chargers have a great contentious on the field relationship where they just seem like they cannot stand one another for a split second.

Brew Dawgz and I wrote a skit involving the three of them just being put into a room together with no explanation as to why and imagining how that would play out.

It’s more or less, Jay Cutler in an interrogation style room sitting at a table. He’s not saying anything and looks angry/uninterested in anything. You can hear some cheerful talking outside the door. The door opens up and Aaron Rodgers comes in with a smile, which immediately turns into a scowl once he sees Jay. He doesn’t say anything and just stands in the corner with his arms crossed – just pissed. After complete silence or maybe a ‘hey, Jay’ followed by a ‘hey, Aaron’ and then more silence. A minute goes by and you can hear a lot of noise outside and one voice is the loudest. The two seem to recognize the voice. They look even more pissed now. The door opens and it’s Philip Rivers with a big smile on his face and he’s talking shit to someone outside the door. He turns around and see Jay and Aaron and his smile grows even bigger and just starts laying into both of them – “look at these sorry ass sights, right here!” And then it turns into a fist fight with in a minute or two, which Rivers is pushing for the entire time.

That’s what I got.

Anyway, I’m picking the Packers tonight.

I just can’t see them going 0-2 and even more so 0-2 at home. Should be a fun game.

Sup, mofos.

Dictionary dot com’s definition for a “smile” is:

to assume a facial expression indicating pleasure, favor, or amusement, but sometimes derision or scorn, characterized by an upturning of the corners of the mouth.
Dictionary dot com is full of edited by a bunch of anti-social, nervous tick having, slack-jawed, pencil necks who have never interacted with another a human being outside of a well orchestrated guild raid in World of Warcraft.
A smile?!
It’s what your fucking face does when you’re happy, you dopes.
Or, at least, when you’re pretending you’re happy. Like when a friend of yours says, “I just booked a week long trip to Belgium. Isn’t that great?” And you say something like, “Yeah, that is great.” But in your head, you’re saying something slightly different like, “This fucking idiot is going to Belgium? He, legitimately, has a 6 pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade in the fridge – that he bought! He’s not going to appreciate the complexities of the beautiful, heavy brews featured in Belgium. He’s going to be lurking around trying to find a Belgian 7-11 and grab a pack of wine coolers because he can only drink like one dark beer a day. What the fuck? I should be going to Belgium. He should send me to Belgium. I’ll have a kickass time in Belgium. Remember when I read that whole book on Belgium beers? Or I mean it was really just the wikipedia article, but I clicked on every fucking link that article had to offer. I read that article and everything for like 2 hours and he’s going to Belgium. I hate this fucking world. I hate this fucking friend. Fuck this friend.” And then you force the corners of your mouth up towards your ranting brain and you show a little teeth and you let slip past them, “That’s great. Take lots of pictures.” And inside you’re thinking, “Is there anyway I can make a voodoo doll out of Facebook pictures?”
That’s a smile.
To illustrate the stages of a smile, Kristen Stewart will help.
As you may know, almost all smiles start at a movie premiere for an independent film festival:
Here is Kristen Stewart promoting “On the Road”.
As you may have noticed already, she wants IT and is not smiling.
Let’s get a closer look…
Not smiling… but wanting IT.
Let’s begin the process of smiling…
First stage, relax.
Just let your shoulders relax for a moment. It’s difficult to smile when you’re all tense being super cool at your film premiere. So, just thinking of something that is relaxing. For you, it could be puppies. Puppies that just curl up into the crook of your arm and yawn with their puppy breath. Or maybe a nice healthy sip of alcohol to dull the senses throughout your entire body. Or maybe the warm Sun’s rays on your bare face and chest while sipping spiced rum and fruit juice out of a cold cup while a short haired miniature dachshund puppy sleeps on your exposed belly. Don’t put your little snout in my belly button, puppy! Hahahah… we’re all having fun.
That could be relaxing. Or maybe relaxing is watching Kristen Stewart take a bubble bath while you drink chocolate milk and listen to “The Crow” soundtrack.
Stage 2…
Open your mouth.
That sounds like a “stage two” with a lot of things. Honestly, there are so many activities where “stage two” should be “open your mouth”. Imaginations are a wonderful thing. But let that mouth just open up and do what it wants to do. Also, that’s a bunch of “that’s what she said”. But let your mouth instinctually form it’s pleasure shape.
Also, Kristen Stewart fucking wants IT in stage 2 of smiling. It’s fucking piercing!
Stage 3…
You may have opened your mouth too much or you may be simply showing too much teeth.
This is certainly not smiling yet. It is almost there.
While we were so focused on bubble bath, puppies, booze, and mouths – we forgot the lips.
The lips are the structure and foundation of a smile. Technically, you don’t even have to open your mouth to smile as long as your lips are really making that U, but it looks like you’re kind of holding in fart when you smile like that. As if if you opened your mouth such a noxious fume would escape your butt that you might instantly shit your pants and/or kill all those around you with the high concentration of ass smell in that fart.
Stage 4…
There you go! There’s a smile!
I mean it’s one of those fake smiles because who the hell really wants to smile in New York City as a bunch of dweebs with expensive cameras yell at you to look one way or another, so they can take a million pictures of you for their shitty websites. I mean really. Who would ever want that?
But it’s a smile. Lips and teeth. Mouth open.
But a smile is best shared with friends. So, once you achieve a smile – go out and show it off.
Look how much fun they’re having – SMILING!
It’s contagious. Just like herpes.
That’s how you smile. Practice in a mirror or in front of a homeless man. Why wouldn’t a homeless person enjoy teaching you how to smile? What else do they have going on in their day than to teach a person a million times better off than they are how to make a facial expression that delivers instantaneously the message that you are happy or, at least, faking it.
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