HURRICANE SEX!

October 29, 2012

That’s really the only suggestion I can give you about what to do during this hurricane.

Solely, so when inevitable conversation happens…

Have you had sex during a hurricane?

Yes.

BOOM!

Anyway, we’re just sitting and waiting for Hurricane Sandy to show up.

Obviously, we’re all hoping it isn’t as bad as they’re predicting.

We’re supposed to get “squalls” starting in 30 minutes and will continue for 3 hours. Following that we’ll have heavy rain and wind for the next 15 or so hours. Midnight tonight is supposed to be the worst.

I hope everyone is safe and continues to be safe.

I love you all.

I love you for reading this website.

I love you for your hilarious wit.

I love you for those highly sexual parts of your body.

I love you for your personalities too.

And for those dimples on the small of your back that are like right above your ass crack. Those are great. I’m a big fan of those.

I love you.

And to the dudes, I love you too, but maybe in a different life or parallel dimension we could be sinful biblical lovers.

Be safe.

Me?

My ushe … usual. I’ll be all wearing just my underwear around the house. Just some boxer briefs while I’m beating some eggs. Scrambled eggs with my best, strong, black friend Peet. Peet’s coffee with the eggs and a nice slab of bacon for your mouth. Like when you eat bacon with the eggs and possibly toast or a bagel. That’s my sluttiness. I’m hooker who also makes you breakfast… well me and you breakfast. I’m eating it too. Probably more than you are. I’ve got an appetite for tawdriness and well cooked Western breakfast. So slutty.

I imagine others will be going out for Halloween this weekend considering Halloween actually falls on a Wednesday. I guess people are too prude to get slutified on a Wednesday. Doesn’t make any sense really. It is Hump Day after all.

Nevertheless, I am quite curious what people are going to dress up as.

I do not like dressing up, but that’s mostly because I have to think up what I’m going to wear. I hate that. If someone just gave me a costume then I would wear it. I don’t want to be apart of the rest of the process.

So, what are you dressing up as?

Besides dressing up for Halloween, if you are preparing to get pretty slutty in another way, please share that story as well.

I don’t think anyone ever has been like, “You want to share a slutty story with me? No!” Even religious people want you to share it. You share it and then they try to pull you out of the demon’s clutches. Meanwhile, I will try to push you further into the demon’s clutches or at least try to get you to re-enact the slutty story again because hearing a story is one thing – being there is another.

I would like to thank the Republican party for all the ridiculous anti-women stuff they’re coming out with nowadays. It seems by the hour, I’m becoming more and more of a feminist or a champion for women’s rights by simply doing nothing. Like me just wanting women to have all the birth control in the world so we can have sex and not worry about a stupid baby is starting to become like Maya Angelou territory of feminism. Who would’ve guessed it? I’m almost of the mindset that we should be force feeding women birth control until they’re of an age where they’re cool with an unexpected pregnancy.

If I was President, there would be an undercurrent that women who are of consensual age should be banging more. And dudes too. I mean I’m not too worried about gay guys because they kind of solved any sex problem ever with Grindr. Like the only problem now that gay guys face is if said gay guy doesn’t own a smart phone or know about Grindr. The smart phone thing will eventually work itself out in a few years when they don’t even offer an alternative to a smart phone. As for not knowing about Grindr, if you’re even remotely gay like you’ve met a gay guy or heard about them and you’re kind of fuckable then you’ve heard about Grindr. They made jokes about it on The Office! Anyway… gay guys are way ahead of the curve, so much so I’m incredibly jealous.

Safe to say, gay guys are getting slutty and my Presidency supports it.

“Cloud Atlas” comes out this weekend. I think we’re saving to see it on Tuesday night when it’s free.

I watched a little bit of “On The Road” the other night just to get a taste. Kristen “The Countess of Wantess” Stewart seems to be in a good chuck of the middle to the second half of the movie. She also shows nips twice. BOOYAH. The only thing that I noticed in particular was that Sal’s voice is going to take some getting used to. Also, I’m still not sold on Hedlund being Moriarty. He just looks like Hedlund. Moriarty/Neal Cassady looked more like Marlon Brando… except tortured. Kerouac and Cassady kind of looked alike and Hedlund and Sam Riley not so much. It does look like they put a lot of the book in the movie though.

Anything else?

What else is going on in the world?

I hope you have a great weekend.

I hope you all on the East Coast (including myself) do not get hit too hard by this new tropical storm.

I love you?

This is Kristen Stewart…

She wants IT.

– end of transmission –

Hump day.

Hump day. Humpity hump day. Hump it up day. Hump it down day. Hump it all around day. Hump it all around the town without a frown in your wedding gown wearing a gold crown while whipping some stupid clown and talking about those average quarterback brothers Luke, Josh, and Randy McCown. Hump day.

Hump day. Humpity hump day. Hump up a pace. Hump someone’s face. Hump while listening to the rapper Mace. Hump all dressed in lace and always hump after saying grace. Hump in space; we’re humping all over the place. Hump day.

Movies…

LIFE OF PI

Did anyone actually read this book? I didn’t.

I’m constantly told how good this book was and how so many people read it, but whenever I ask anyone if they’ve read it they say no. ARE THEY HIDING SOMETHING?! I haven’t read, but I have heard it is excellent and all that hokey fonokey menorah. Oh what’s “hokey fonokey menorah”? Just something my Dad said to me in a dream last night. Why? What does it mean? No idea, but it does sound like something he could possibly say. Hokey fonokey menorah! Life of Pi is like Castaway meets Slumdog Millionaire meets a tiger. Sounds watchable. I can’t believe this was a book everyone was reading and loving. At the same time, nothing surprises me when I saw Oprah give “The Road” her bookclub seal of approval and then I found out about the whole “Girl with a Dragon Tattoo” stuff and everyone just loves about women getting rape murdered all over Eastern Europe. Hooray literature! Stupid television, you can never compare to the artistic words of rape murders! Die television! … I’m sorry, TV. Please stay! I don’t know what came over me! Books are the Devil! That’s why we burn them every so often! TV, you’re the bestest, most kindest friend. I love you more than 99% of the human beings I have ever met.

Life of Pi the movie is supposed to be great. I don’t know why they say it’s the next “Avatar”. I can only assume the people saying that didn’t see Avatar and are just shouting things that pop into their brain like hokey fonokey menorah. Life of Pi is the next hokey fonokey menorah says Joel Stein of the New York Times! The movie is directed by Ang Lee, which means it will have great visuals and will have a lot of music swells. Either way, I’m excited for it and I hope to hump you at the movies while we watch Life of Pi. NEXT!

RED DAWN

I’d say “fuck you, Hollywood” if it weren’t for the fact that who gives a fuck about “Red Dawn”. I’ve seen Red Dawn a number of times with Patrick Swayze playing a high school kid while at the same time being 45. What’s good about the original is that it is classic 80’s stuff and it’s SUPER VIOLENT. WOLVERINES!!!!!! like to fucking bloody murder people. A lot of people. It was one of the most violent action movies made when it came out. This movie will be absolutely stupid and unwatchable. The movie being PG-13 ruins the entirety of what was good about the first movie. Also, they changed the bad guys to the North Koreans for the Hell of it I suppose. If it weren’t for making foreigners the villains most foreign looking actors wouldn’t get an acting job, so I guess that’s good that they employed a bunch of Asian looking dudes.

A simple rule of thumb with movies… if the hot chick from the “Friday Night Lights” TV show is in it then it’s probably horrible.

When I say the hot chick from “Friday Night Lights”… I mean all of them. In this case it is Adrianne Palicki. That pretty blonde with big bozanagas loves being in terrible movies. But you could say the same for the flawless, perfect female human MinKa Kelly. She is in horrible movies too. Or that Amy Teegarden or whatever. She’s good looking and loves being in shitty movies. Who else was hot and on that show? Or right, Connie Britton. She does more TV than movies, but I never see any of it. Hot chicks…

RISE OF THE GUARDIANS

I have not once watched this trailer in the company of others and not seen said others go “what the fuck?” and/or shake their head in utter disgust. That pretty much sums up a movie that takes the tooth fairy, Jack Frost, the Sandman, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny and turns them into fighting super heroes. Santa Claus is a viking/Russian/tattooed/pirate something or other? What the hell. Dreamworks must have really run out of ideas or was willing to make ANYTHING involving Santa Claus a month out from Christmas. It looks horrendous and I’m thoroughly happy I don’t have children who possibly would force my hypothetical wife and I to see the movie. I wouldn’t see it. I’ll tell my hypothetical shitty children and my hypothetical not listening to me wife that I’m not seeing the damn movie no matter what they say. I’d get a divorce! It’s not happening. I’m not seeing the Easter Bunny dual wielding boomerangs just because I have a stupid kid. Not happening. God bless birth control.

SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK

I’m seeing this.

If and only if because the movie was shot in Philadelphia right by St. Joe’s where I went to school. In the trailer, they show them eating at a diner. That was our diner! Not like we owned it, but more like we went to it every chance we got when we were hungover. And there was this one waitress there who had this enormous mole above her lip, but the rest of her was bitchy hot and we called her “herp lip” and we loved her. True story.

Anyway, the movie itself looks pretty good in that this is rom/com that a dude could probably sit through and like and by dude I mean the stereotypical heterosexual male who only likes action movies and Justified. I don’t know what I meant by any of that. It looks decent though. The story seems pretty fucking obvious and not as philosophical as they want to make it out to be. So, you were in the mental hospital and you get out of the mental hospital and your life sucks because of that, but then all of a sudden Jennifer Lawrence wants your dong to be all up in her lady parts like 24/7? And you’re telling me you’re happy because of this? OF FUCKING COURSE YOU’RE HAPPY BECAUSE OF THIS. Besides that, Bradley Cooper wears a lot of E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES jerseys and him and J. Law dance and Chris Tucker is in the movie. Why wouldn’t you see this?

HITCHCOCK

What’s less than nothing? Because whatever that is, that’s how I would describe my desire to see this movie. Where the hell did this movie even come from? I heard about it like last Tuesday and never before that. You’ve got a bunch of pretty actresses dressed up in beehives and Anthony Hopkins trying to relax all the wrinkles in his face while being fat. Who the fuck cares? How absurd is it that a great director like Alfred Hitchcock would then later in his life have a shitty movie made about him? His movies will be infinitely better than this. In the reverse, Ed Wood made a whole bunch of terrible movies, but had an excellent movie made about him. Yeah, I hate Tim Burton, but he did make a few great movies in between his terrible movies. I’ll give him Ed Wood was great, Beetlejuice was great, Nightmare Before Christmas was very good, Sleepy Hollow was very good, and Batman was good. Nothing more than that in my opinion.

Back to Hitchcock… I won’t be seeing this unless it is reviewed as the greatest movie to ever be made ever and then maybe I’ll see it. More or less, it looks like an HBO movie and maybe even an NBC movie.

RUST AND BONE

This will probably be amazing.

First, Marion Cotillard. She is a mystical creature who is more beautiful in real life than in my head and that’s usually never the case.

Second, the film is by Jacques Audiard. That may not mean much to you unless I mention he was the director of “A Prophet”. Many watched and were blown away by said movie on Netflix and if you haven’t seen it … fucking see it. Also, Mr. Audiard directed a movie called “The Beat That My Heart Skipped” which shares a place in my heart next to “Fight Club” as a movie I will say is my favorite movie of all time. I am terrible at making lists and quantifying things that I like or any of that, but I am thoroughly comfortable in saying that “The Beat That My Heart Skipped” and “Fight Club” are my favorite movies. I love “Star Wars”, I love “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”, I love “The Royal Tenenbaums” and “Life Aquatic” and so on and so on and I could never imagine trying to say which is my second favorite or 8th favorite or any of that. But I do say “The Beat That My Heart Skipped” and “Fight Club” are my favorite movies… sometimes I throw “The Crow” out there as well… and I’m comfortable doing that.

Third, this is the movie’s plot…

Put in charge of his young son, Ali leaves Belgium for Antibes to live with his sister and her husband as a family. Ali’s bond with Stephanie, a killer whale trainer, grows deeper after Stephanie suffers a horrible accident.

What?! I want to see this movie.

KILLING THEM SOFTLY

Question: do you want to see Brad Pitt as a merciless mob hitman?

Answer: FUCK YES.

I’m seeing this movie too.

That’s November. More good than bad from what I can tell.

What?! MORE MOVIES?!

Bears. Giants. Obama. Quite a Monday. Tonight? Happy Endings.

SKYFALL

Yes. I’m looking forward to this despite the trailers being less than inspiring. I don’t know what I expected to see in the trailers that would match my excitement for this movie… ninjas, a unicorn, shameless nudity, Daniel Craig punching Hitler… but the trailers just look like another James Bond movie, nothing more than that. Directing the movie is Sam Mendes and I am a big fan of Mr. Mendes and I’m a big fan of Mr. Craig as Bond – or was for Casino Royale and just didn’t like Quantum of Solace – and I’m a big fan of Mr. Bardem who is playing the bad guy. The trailers look just like any other big blockbuster action movie and I’m just hoping this will be better told than Quantum of Solace and/or all of Pierce Brosnan’s Bond’s including Golden Eye. Either way, I have faith in Mendes over the marketing of this movie or how I’m supposed to be excited that Adele is doing the title’s theme song.

I think I’ve seen almost every Bond. Maybe a couple have slipped by out of the 20+. Generally speaking, there are more bad or nothing special Bond movies than good ones. Right now, Craig is batting .500 with Casino Royale being long and entertaining and Quantum of Solace being short and boring. I like the character of Bond and I don’t even mind that all Bond movies follow the same formula more or less. Sure, we’re going to see Bond cordially challenging Bardem at some point when Bardem seemingly doesn’t know who Bond is at that point and they’ll probably be in a public setting like a dinner party that the bad guy hosts or something similar. Whatever. Just keep it simple, don’t over-complicate it, have some good action scenes, have some cheesy romance scenes, and have Bond and Bardem duel to the death in the end.

A ROYAL AFFAIR

Speaking of Casino Royale, the bad guy in that movie is the dude in this poster to your left looking common with a pony tail instead of that silk robe and wig that other dude is wearing. Yes, Mads. Mads is beloved over in Denmark. He has done his fair share of action movies, but more so he is a romance/drama actor. Here’s another one to add to the already bloated cache of them. I haven’t seen the trailer or read the plot outline, but I’m pretty sure it is safe to say that this chick is supposed to be with the robe wearer and is instead banging the stable boy Mads. Stable man? Either way. Do you like Danish people? Do you like Danish people having overly dramatic relationship problems in some yesteryear culture that most likely never existed? Then watch this. I should say rent this. Get a bag of popcorn, maybe some scented candles, and rub one out while reading subtitles.

THE COMEDY

This should be called “Hipster FUBU”. A drama about an aging hipster whose life is falling to pieces in that he’s wasted his life drinking with his friends who have also wasted their life drinking with him. The movie is directed and acted by some of the greatest loves of hipster culture and the movie is about hipsters and poking fun at hipsters, but in a way glorifying them. So… For Us By Us… and I want to see it. Definitely not a movie for everyone, which is exactly how hipsters want it. Tim Heidecker pseudo famous for his plethora of Adult Swim TV shows that are loved by hipsters plays this aging hipster who is a mess. I can’t imagine this movie having any crossover appeal, but for the people who are already in love with the idea of Tim Heidecker playing some waste of life while James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem plays one of his dumb buddies then this movie is already a homerun most likely. I’m one of those people and at the same time I’m almost expecting this will be winding and pointless and more a showoff piece that Heidecker is more than the Adult Swim guy. Who knows? Like Heidecker is a good musician. He released an album that was supposed to be a joke album. The songs are too good to just be funny, but not serious enough to be a good album. That’s what I fear the movie will be. And with that, that’s perfectly hipster.

LINCOLN

Must. See. This. It’s very rare for Daniel Day-Lewis to be in a bad movie. He’s been in a few and even those few he’s been the best part of them… Gangs of New York. The movie is focusing on the last few months of Lincoln’s life when he was ill, the head of a warring nation, and about to be both near deified and killed without him knowing. There are a lot of great actors in the movie supporting Day-Lewis as one would expect in a Spielberg movie about Abraham Lincoln. Originally, Lincoln was supposed to be played by Liam Neeson. While Liam is a good actor, he’s not nearly as good as Day-Lewis. Plus, who knows if Neeson even has it in him to make good movies while he’s out shooting foreigners in Taken 2… and probably 3, 4, and 5.

I’m expecting this movie to be sappy as shit, but who cares. They used to make movies like this all the time in the 60’s and for whatever reason we kind of got away from that. Big name actors playing big name roles. We’re too cool and too post-modern or something to rehash some of the epics and just do them right. I’m hoping Lincoln is excellent and I’m also hoping that it’s just grand, but succinct. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel, just make the best wheel of its kind. The trailers look great. Can’t wait for it.

NATURE CALLS

Yesterday, I was saying I haven’t seen many comedies this year. I should have said I really haven’t seen many stupid comedies and thankfully, I guess, Patton Oswalt and Johnny Knoxville decided to change that. In a movie that more or less looks like Daniel Stern’s Bushwhacked, Patton Oswalt leads a bunch of scouts into the woods while being chased by Knoxville, the late and great Patrice O’Neal, and Rob Riggle for whatever reason. The movie is R so expect tons of cursing around kids or involving kids. As far as frivolous entertainment goes, this is all we got. But let’s take a moment and remember the 80’s and 90’s when Daniel Stern was a comedic genius…

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0827663/

Those were the good days. I’ve probably seen Bushwhacked 3 or 4 times. Definitely saw it in theaters. Same can be said for Celtic Pride, both City Slickers, Rookie of the Year a million times, and Home Alone(s) a billion times. If you have some time on your hands, I’d suggest watching My Blue Heaven. It is a Steve Martin vehicle more so than a Daniel Stern, but it’s a great movie nonetheless.

FUCKING FINALLY IT’S OVER!

I have no clue what is happening in these movies. I never really had a clue what was happening in them when I saw the first 2 of them, but since that point it has only gotten more mixed up. I couldn’t tell you a thing that happened in the third movie and I’m pretty sure the fourth one aka part 1 was all about Ed and Bella putting their genitals together until they made a demon baby and now Bella is a vampire and a MILF. But judging from this poster, I would guess that the fate of the world is based on a vampire run iditarod and/or an episode of Ice Road Truckers. That doesn’t sound right, but nothing I’ve ever heard about these movies ever “sounds right”. Would it really be all that surprising that lightning storm baseball vampires would also involve themselves in an Armageddon deciding sled dog race? Nope. What I do know is that these posters regardless of subject matter are horrible. I have no idea what this is supposed to symbolize or illustrate, but it’s terrible. I can’t tell if they actually posed for this terrible picture or are they video game characters they just made to look like them? It’s so awkward. This is what your final conclusion is? A bunch of vampires and werewolves snowshoeing a 40 yard dash? I’m glad there is a Twilight because it has defined the bottom. How bad could something be and still be eaten up by the public? That’s Twilight to me. Sometimes I think about how bad we all must feel having listened to Limp Bizkit as much as we did, but now I think Twilight has easily replaced whatever shame I felt. I’d rather Fred Durst pen another dozen albums with 3rd grader verbiage – Nookie? Break stuff? – and a litany of cover songs no one ever asked for – Faith? Behind Blue Eyes – than another sequel of any sort of this utterly confusing supposed love story about demon babies, feathers, sparkly virgin vampires, Native Americans who simply evolved into werewolves, and God knows what else people’s minds have been subjected to by these stupid movies. Either way, thank God it’s over.

ANNA KARENINA

What is it 2004? Who cares about Keira Knightley and Jude Law anymore? I don’t. They might as well call this Pride and Prejudice 2. We’ve got the gang back together for it with Keira and whatshisface who directed that movie and the other Knightley movie Atonement. I guess people will see this. Just like they saw those two movies or something like The Young Victoria. It’s romance and dresses and men in military garb and big rooms with 60 foot rugs and 60 foot curtains. Chicks fucking love that. Chicks love big ass rugs. Like unreasonably big rugs. And curtains. Nothing gets a chick hotter than seeing like a 30 foot high ceilings with 30 foot high windows and 30 foot high curtains and then maybe a chandelier and a painting or two and then a big ass rug and then at most a couple of couches that look uncomfortable as hell and then candles. Did you all just wet your pants? Like sopping wet? Like slip and slide wet? That’s the hottest thing to you ladies apparently. Some bitch who has drama just rushing from room to room with big ass windows and big ass rugs and high ceilings and she’s in some dress with a corset just hustling around looking breathless. That’s like the hottest shit ever. Then at night, she sleeps in a 4 poster canopy bed in a white linen blousy as all hell gown and she has sex with her dead husband’s best friend by oil lamp light. Fuck that’s hot. Just stop talking or I’m jamming the phone nearest phone receiver inside me kind of hot. RUGS!

PRICE CHECK

From the poster, I get that Parker Posey is going to be cute and quirky in this movie. If you see those types of movies then see this one. If you don’t then you probably have no clue who the fuck Parker Posey is and you can move on.

More movies tomorrow…

Hello, everyone in the fucking world.

I had a long, but satisfying weekend. Friday, we drove up to Boston, which took 5 and a half hours. Sunday, we drove back from Boston, which took 5 and a half hours. In between, we walked around Boston, drank in Boston, ate a wonderful omelet, ate some great Mexican food to everyone’s surprise, shared some laughs with friends, ate a few cupcakes, and I bought a Kelly Kapowski from “Saved by the Bell” t-shirt. It would be really difficult to ask for much more.

Oh yeah, and the Steelers fucking won. Wooooooo! Honestly, even with all the injuries the Steelers are dealing with, the Steelers are playing good football. Their record is 3-3, which isn’t particularly good, but could be worse. Their record should be 5-1. They allowed to last minute drives for nonchalant field goals for no apparent reason, which made them lose those games. For the most part in the losses, the Steelers were clearly winning the game and moving the ball around the field at will. The two teams they lost to aren’t particularly good teams either – Oakland and Tennessee. But that’s neither here nor there because the games are over and nothing changes them now. Like I said, the Steelers are dealing with an insane amount of injuries and I would say them at full strength are undeniably a Super Bowl favorite, but with all the injuries they have it makes them questionable. Even with the questionable aspect, they’re playing well and are doing somethings better this year than they ever have before.

They are committing a lot of penalties, which they really need to stop doing and their wide receivers are making tough catches, but dropping some of the easy ones. It was a good win last night, but the dropped passes last night were all potential gamebreakers. The Steelers D also played its best game last night this season by smothering everything the Bengals had to offer outside of that first drive. The Bengals went 80 yards on the first drive and 100 yards for the rest of the game. That’s shut down. The Steelers run game showed up in the form of Jonathan Dwyer. The Steelers actually have 4 really nice running backs with Rashard Mendenhall, Isaac Redman, Dwyer, and Chris Rainey… as well as a decent fullback in Johnson and another RB in Batch. But with Mendenhall and Redman hurt yet again, Dwyer did the heavy lifting and he liked it. He likes hitting people and I like that he likes hitting people. Rainey has insane speed and if he makes a dude miss a tackle… boom… length of the field.

Anyway… should be a good game tonight between the Bears and the Lions.

Let’s talk November movies.

If there is one month of the 12 this year that actually seems to have potential to entertain it’s November. There are definitely a boat load of Oscar potential movies as well as just good looking movies. Of course, there’s some shit mixed in as well, but what do you expect? It’s Hollywood after all.

A LATE QUARTET

Looks great. Just take a look at that cast list and imagine them making a bad movie together. I can’t. Hoffman doesn’t do many bad movies. He just doesn’t seem motivated to make many bad movies. But instead of talking about this musical drama that matches the metaphor of these four playing together on stage continuously as their instruments grow out of tune and their struggle to continue to sound harmonious to their lives where they are doing just that – here is the trailer that does an even better job illustrating it because Christopher Walken is narrating it instead of my text, which is read in your head in a voice, which I don’t know… snickerdoodle. Did it sound funny your voice in your head saying snickerdoodle? What about opossum? Did the voice in your head pronounce the “o”? If I wrote possum? Does it still pronounce the “o” as an act of linguistic revolution? Pudding pops. What about PUDDING POPS?! Did both sound the same in your head or did you change inflections? Here’s the trailer… sarsaparilla… did you pronounce it sassparilla?

THE DETAILS

Hmmmm… could be good? A dark comedy about infidelity that goes completely out of control. The only problem is Tobey Maguire. I guess some of the other casting is suspect too. I’m not entirely sure I trust Ray Liotta as an actor and what he thinks about good movies anymore. But with Magure, do I buy Maguire in this role? A role that could be played by a number of actors and has been in some sense or another, but do I buy Maguie? I don’t know. I guess that’s the journey of the movie more than anything. I think Tobey is a decent enough actor, but he still looks 14 to me. That’s troubling because this movie is supposed to be adult. Either way, I like that Kerry Washington is in it because she’s crazy sexy and she’s having sex in the movie, which is great. She should have sex in all her movies. She should have sex in other people’s movies. The movie looks intriguing, but also could be thrown off by Tobey’s odd casting.

FLIGHT

This is the movie they all want us to be excited for. This and “Lincoln”, but more on that later. As for “Flight”, it’s got my favorite Denzel Washington. Denzel with Robbie Zemeckis and an interesting twist to sort of the Sully Sullenberg story. Denzel is a commercial pilot whose plan loses control and he has to take drastic measures to save it. Following his impromptu canonizing for saving everyone on the airplane, Denzel is put under trial for possible misconduct. It looks like an interesting movie about a guy who never wanted to be a hero, but became one and whether or not he should be. It takes a lot for Denzel to make a bad movie like an “unstoppable” train for one. But besides that, the dude usually delivers. I think this will be a good movie.

JACK & DIANE

I mention this movie for one reason: lesbians. Oh sweet sweet Hollywood lesbians. Juno Temple – the blonde on bottom – is appearing in movies left and right from indies to blockbusters. She played a bit part as Catwoman’s tiny blonde confidant in like one scene in “The Dark Knight Rises” and she played the sexual icon and fully nude all the time and banging Matthew McConaughey in “Killer Joe”. She’s 23, she’s British, and since 2006 to the near future she’s appeared/will appear in 30 movies… and I would bet most have no fucking clue who she is. The movie could be entertaining with its blood lust and vagina lust, which both sound pretty wonderful for the whole family.

THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS

In all honesty, this movie is bare minimum 20 years in the making. When a group of the grimiest grimers out of the 5 boroughs of New York City came together to make my favorite rap music in the history of rap music fully studded with martial arts movie references, one had to know at some point someone was going to give the man pulling the strings a chance at directing his own martial arts movie. That man behind the curtain is/was/always will be the RZA. With the help of Eli Roth, RZA has put together quite a cast list of A list actors like Russell Crowe to actual martial artists like Cung Le to ridiculous looking super freaks like former WWE pro wrestler David Bautista to all battle each other in bloody choreography. I hope this movie is good and even more so just shit balls crazy entertaining. I expect it should be at least somewhat entertaining. Hopefully it is really entertaining. The one problem I’m a little worried about from the get go is that there are so many characters and that’s tough to handle, but it’s not like they’re going to be talking all that much or really developing story. The movie itself is a call back to movies like “The Master of the Flying Guillotine” which I love and I know the RZA loves and hopefully he does that movie and others like it justice.

THIS MUST BE THE PLACE

It’s going to take an awful lot to convince me that I should see this movie. In every way shape and form, this movie looks like a waste of time. The only thing about it that is at all endearing is that it looks so unwatchable that maybe that’s why it is watchable. Why would they go out of their way to make a movie that looks this stupid if it was going to be stupid, right? It’s so smart it looks stupid, right? RIGHT?! Like I said, a movie with Sean Penn playing a near transgender Robert Smith from The Cure clone who is seeking a nazi criminal decades after the fact sounds so fucking dumb that maybe it isn’t, but I’m not counting on it. I won’t be the guinea pig on this one. I’ll let others figure it out and then report back.

VAMPS

“Clueless” and/or “Romy and Michell’s High School Reunion” meets vampires. The trailer is good for “Vamps”. It is definitely marketing itself towards the “Legally Blonde” cinema goers, but like the first two comedies I mentioned it could have cross over appeal. I don’t know how Alicia Silverstone still looks this good and while kind of on the subject I really don’t know how Stacey Dash not only looks this good, but looks better than ever. Either way, Alicia looks like she can more or less reprise her Cher role from “Clueless” and this time make fun of the vampire craze, so that’s a pretty good recipe for near mindless entertainment. I feel like this year has been kind of short with comedies. I can think of a few that were good, but I don’t think I’ve sat down and watched too many comedies. We’ll see about this one, but unless reviews skewer this movie – I wouldn’t be opposed to seeing it … IN THEATERS.

To clarify about reviews… I generally don’t give a fuck what reviewers think, but if all reviewers join together on a hated consensus or beloved consensus that does sometimes affect me seeing the movie in theaters. If I’m on the fence about a movie and everyone fucking hates it then I probably won’t see it in theaters. At the same time, liquor and boredom makes me see movies in the theaters that do not correlate with any sense.

WRECK-IT RALPH

100% seeing this. I’m absolutely, thoroughly, completely excited for this movie. I love videogames like a big fucking nerd and I love even more the videogames that they’re referencing. For fucking fuck’s fucking sake, there is the dude from “Altered Beast” in this movie. Are you fucking kidding me? SEGA GENESIS’ “ALTERED BEAST”?! I would see that piece of shit “Alex Cross” if you told me they were going to reference “Altered Beast” and possibly “Street Fighter II”. I’d be there with fucking bells on. I am really looking forward to this movie and I couldn’t careless that it will essence be a sap fest about feeling good about yourself and all that. JUST SHOW ME M. BISON AND ZANGIEF ON SCREEN. I can’t fucking wait for this kids shit. It’s going to be so good. It’s going to be weird seeing it while drinking a flask of vodka with little kids running around, but hey I’ve got to get ready for being a parent at some point, am I right?

That’s the first third or so of movies from November… it looks like a great month of movies.

I hope you had a great weekend.

Tell me about it. Or something else. Tell me something about the migration patterns of birds. I don’t care.

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