October Movie Previews Coming In Your Eyes – part I

October 1, 2012

Good day, yall motherfuckers and motherfuckettes.

I had a random weekend. Watched some fights, ate some hibachi, chased the worst parade ever around Chinatown, got hammered, watched The Raid again, watched a ton of football, broke a girl’s heart revealing to her that “50 Shades of Gray” is “Twilight” fan-fic, watched “Homeland”, laughed a lot.

I didn’t see “Looper”. Reviewers are blowing this movie so hard that JGL must be creaming in his jeans at all times. I’m seeing it this week/coming weekend. I feel like the probability of this movie being as good as people say it is is still 50%. People lauded other movies I’ve hated, but even a bad movie can give you some humor in that you get to make fun of it. I feel like the movie could be good or it could stupid and then I’ll continue to wonder what the fuck is wrong with everyone’s heads.

Either way, October starts today and it’s movies start this Friday. Per usual, I will uniquely preview these October movies that most likely none of you will see whether I say good or bad stuff about it and will take someone else’s advice about seeing it or not seeing it instead of mine. No, it’s ok. I understand. I find Kim Kardashian sexually attractive with my eyes and you hate her because she had a televised wedding that got annulled, so there’s no way I could know what movies are good or bad. It makes sense. Anywhoozle!

BUTTER

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I’ll see this.

First thing first, there are a ton of famous people in this- AND ASHLEY GREENE AND OLIVIA WILDE HAVE A LESBIAN SCENE WHERE THEY GET ALL LESBOS ON EACH OTHER. I’m pretty sure, 100% positive, that scene is already on the internet to be viewed, but there are a lot of famous people in the movie that I think can make this movie entertaining even if it isn’t the best comedy. The director did “She’s Out of My League” which is an alright movie. I wouldn’t suggest going out of your way to see it, but I would suggest if you do watch it that you might want to duct tape your chin to the rest of your head to keep your mouth closed and your tongue from falling out anytime Alice Eve appears on screen. Also, there’s a scene where Krysten Ritter wears a pair of jeans so tight that they you can read the contours of her ass and vagina in 4 different languages.

As for Butter, the movie has promise. It’s a whacky movie that’s supposed to be about some small town’s butter fair where they do butter carvings, but is really about adultery and an upcoming election. It reminds me of those big ensemble comedies like “Soapdish”, but no where near as good. Honestly, “Soapdish” is an infallible comedy as for “Butter” it could be funny.

FRANKENWEENIE

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This is my nightmare!

Am I the only one who has to stop themselves from crying during the first half of any trailer for this movie? Because I have to. I have to every-FUCKING-time. I HATE YOU, TIM BURTON! The movie is about a kid whose dog dies and the kid can’t take the death of his dog, so he digs the dog’s dead body up, rigs him up like Frankestein’s monster, waits for a lightning strike and miraculous brings the dog back to life. FUCK YOU, TIM BURTON! I’ve had dogs die, I’ve had dogs die in my arms, and now you want me to watch a “kids” movie about that happening to some kid and then golly gee he just so happens to bring them back to life. As an adult I couldn’t watch this, but as a kid this would have crushed my soul even more watching some kid bring his dead dog back to life. Uhhhhh, why can’t I do that? I have some dead dogs that I love more than anything else in life, why can’t I do that you soulless fuck, Tim Burton? Fuck Tim Burton. Fuck him in his terrible movie making asshole with one of my dogs who has died old chew toes.

THE ORANGES

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Probably not seeing this movie ever. Unless someone tells me Leighton Meester and Alia Shawkat get it on in this movie or ever. From the poster, this almost seems like a new TV show and not a movie. It also seems like it could be the understudy of Butter. Another ensemble sex comedy about suburban life? I won’t see it, but I’ll make mention of this movie just because of the cast and that the movie is about Hugh Laurie banging Leighton Meester, which is how I assume they sold Hugh Laurie on making the move.

Agent: Hugh, do you want to make a movie called “The Oranges”?

Hugh: No.

Agent: You have sex with Leighton Meester in it.

Hugh: I said yes before. I never said no. I said yes. Your ears just heard it wrong.

THE PAPERBOY

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It doesn’t matter what I write here – half of you are just imagining Zac Efron and Matthew McConaughey molesting each other with oatmeal body wash. I know that’s what your picturing. It’s from the clawfoot bath tub to a 4 poster bed feeding each other chocolate strawberries while wearing gold linen loin cloths and drinking champagne with wild hibiscus flower syrup in them. I know how you people think! So, there’s really know reason to mention that the director of Precious – based upon the novel Push by Sapphire – made this lily white gay romance movie that really has nothing to do with what I’ve been talking about, but that’s how I do. Doesn’t this also look like the movie “To Die For” again? That movie was pretty good if I remember.

TAKEN 2

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Originally, I thought this was a joke. Like, why on Earth would there be a sequel to this movie? Then I remembered that Hollywood is run by fucking idiots and making a sequel to any mildly successful film is always a possibility. “Taken” is an alright movie. The acting is supremely cheesy especially in the parts where no one is kung fu kicking someone else and the storyline is absolutely ludicrous, but they do two things well in the movie.

1. The phone call – That whole scene with the phone call and little Maggie Grace getting taken and Liam sitting on the other end using his briefcase of magical contraptions. That scene and that dialogue of “I have a set of skills” or whatever is good. It is good and is highly memorable. Movies may be 90 minutes or 120 minutes or whatever, but there are really only a few scenes that filmmakers need to nail to make something watchable. That was a scene they nailed. They fucking nailed it.

2. Action – There is almost non-stop action from that moment on in the movie. They gave up on making sense and just had shoot outs and krav maga showcases, which was all we wanted anyway. Some of the action scenes were completely disjointed and didn’t even seem like they were the same movie at all, but there was non-stop action and that’s it. They gave up on comedy or anything really from that moment on that wasn’t Liam kicking the crap out of people.

The problem is, “Taken 2” doesn’t have any of that. Not only can they not recapture the magic of #1, but we’ve seen just about everything Liam can do in #2. There were fist fights, shoot outs, car chases, interrogations, and an action scene on a boat in “Taken”. Unless Liam ends up on an airplane shooting at a space capsule then who cares? And now I have just written part of the plot for “Taken 3”. WOOOO!!!

ARGO

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I’ll see it, but I couldn’t really give a fuck about it. It’s crazy, but at this point I feel indebted to Ben Affleck that I have to see this movie. I loved “Gone Baby Gone” even though it was 100% predictable. I thought “The Town” was super fun if you didn’t think about how dumb Rebecca Hall’s character is and how the ending was a ripoff of “Shawshank Redemption”. I’ve enjoyed those movies in multiple viewings as well. Now, we have “Argo”. I’m thoroughly unexcited by the premise and I’m thoroughly unexcited by thought of watching it, but I feel like maybe Affleck goes 3 for 3 and it’s another good movie. Who knows? Maybe I’ll save this for a rental.

HERE COMES THE BOOM

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Yeah, I’m seeing this. Of-FUCKING-COURSE I’m seeing this. The movie is about MM… Salma Hayek’s glorious boobs. Why hasn’t there been a documentary about Salma Hayek’s boobs? Give me one good reason. I would watch that documentary. I would get a single frame of that film tattooed on my right shoulder. Anyway, yes, I am seeing Kevin James make a family comedy about mixed martial arts. There’s a ton of real MMA fighters/personalities in the movie and James is a big fan of the sport. I know that directors all the time say they’re a big fan of ____ videogame/comic/book et cetera and who the fuck knows if they actually are, but Kevin James aka Paul Blart “Mall Cop” is a huge MMA fan and I’ll see this movie because of that. Plus, I’ll watch anything with Bas Rutten. If Bas Rutten was in “Frankenweenie” I would watch it through my tears.

SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS

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Noooooooooooooooooooope.

Have you seen the movie “In Bruges”?

There are a lot of people who have seen that movie who think it is hilarious. Meanwhile, I saw that movie and didn’t like it. I didn’t like it. Nope. I didn’t like more or less a British Seth MacFarlane scripting Colin Farrell to run around shouting and cursing for 90 minutes. I didn’t enjoy it. Gave me a headache. Now, McDonagh is back with more yelling and shouting and cursing and a bigger cast including Farrell again to do more yelling and shouting and cursing for no apparent reason. I’m sure you’ve seen the trailers for this movie or the TV promos because I feel like they’re every where. To me? They look fucking awful. I don’t like a single second of what that movie looks like. Talking fast and loud with cursing is not snappy dialogue. It’s just loud and fast and cursing dialogue. It’s like they all have tourette’s. I guess if I was 6 or so and when people said “fuck” I would laugh, but now I need some context. I’ve gotten so jaded over these 23 years.

That’s the first half of the month…

Tomorrow you get the second half…

So far, I’ll see “Butter”, “Here Comes The Boom”, and will make myself watch “Argo” at some point most likely. The rest? Probably never.

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2 Responses to “October Movie Previews Coming In Your Eyes – part I”

  1. Kim said

    I saw Looper yesterday. I liked it. It didn’t blow me out of my seat, but I enjoyed the 2 hours I spent watching it.
    I couldn’t agree more with you regarding Frankenweenie! The first time I saw the trailer, I almost cried at the beginning. I thought “who wants to take their kids to see a movie where the dog DIES?” WTF Tim Burton? this could be the best animated movie ever, and I still won’t bother seeing it. And I’m a huge Burton fan, but I just can’t with this — there’s nothing funny about your dog dying.

  2. If I remember correctly, the first time I saw the trailer for Frankenweenie was the day after I put my dog to sleep. So Tim Burton can fuck right off.

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