When the debates goes down in the city…

October 3, 2012

At the University of Denver tonight, two men will take to the stage to talk in one and two minute prepared responses that over-estimate what they’ve done or expect to do and under-estimate what the other guy has done or expect to do, and no matter what happens short of one of them pooping themselves on stage – they and their people will say that guy won.

What did they win? Nothing yet.

About the only thing that is going to happen tonight is we’re going to see President Barack Obama and wealthy ex-businessman Mitt Romney shake hands and force smiles.

That is the only thing that is really for sure going to happen. The rest?

Well, if you’re listening to the President’s people, they are trying to lower expectations that this won’t be a rehashing of the 34-0 San Francisco 49ers against the New York Jets with Obama dressed in the red and gold and Romney as the clumsy green and white. While at the same time, they are trying to convince us that Romney’s unemployment stretch since the last election – where Romney failed running for President/getting the nomination – has been in preparation for tonight’s “debate”, so he’s going to be bringing his A game despite him looking weak in all the Republican debates.


At the other podium, rich ex-businessman Romney is trying to inflate people’s expectations about the President’s ability to turn a phrase and we all shouldn’t be impressed by his uncanny super ability to talk so well and we should take that for granted more or less that he’ll sound so smart and clever. And, I keep saying “rich ex-businessman” before Romney’s name because the ex-Governor is not running on what he did as a Governor considering he governed a liberal North Eastern state that supports and allows and has many things that do not gel with the national message of the Republican party. It’s supposed to be Romney’s monetary know-how that will get us out of this – whatever “this” is. As for what Romney’s people are saying about himself, well, they’re kind of keeping a lot of that secret which is more amusing than anything that a vote for Romney is kind of like buying that mystery flavor Airhead with no back-up plan of having something you actually like the taste of.

Now, I will give credit to Romney about one thing in particular: the 47%. I don’t agree that 47% of our nation are bad apples begging for handouts – although it is funny that a person as rich as he is is shit scared of taxes and begging the government not to raise them and even in fact lower them and lower them forever, which is a government handout – and are dragging this nation to the ground. No, I don’t believe that. But I do believe in the beginning of Romney’s comment about the 47%.

Unless something truly horrific happens on stage tonight or in the few weeks until that Super Tuesday in November, each of these men are damn near guaranteed at least 47% of the vote. That’s true. Not 47% of the country – half the country doesn’t even vote – but 47% of the ballots that come in. I get that because it’s 2 people we’re voting for. The general idea is they have a 50% chance of winning. Sure people can still vote for Ron Paul if they feel like it just as much as they can vote for Tiffani Amber Thiessen who has aged with such grace and beauty that it truly shows that Kelly Kapowski was the ultimate dream girl. But as crazy as it sounds, by far the majority of the people will vote for the two men on stage and not write in names like Paul or Thiessen. And like any good sports fan, they’ll stick with the team/party that they’ve stuck with for years prior despite who is the name on the ballot as long as they have that R or D next to their name.

No matter how brilliant Obama is tonight or how underwhelming and no matter how surprisingly charismatic Romney is or typically isn’t – by far the majority of people will vote the same way they were going to vote. Those are the betting odds. That’s what usually happens.

Will people’s minds change tonight? Probably not. But… we will get to see the two of them on stage together instead of seemingly on opposite ends of the Earth like it’s been all year and then some.

So, exciting, right?!

But what I really want to know is…

Does Bella win this arm-wrestling contest?!

Seriously, I need to know.

One, as far as I have seen, any action in these dumb ass movies is completely pointless minus the shadowy push fight scene from the first one when I suppose Ed killed the other vampire guy from the OC, but I couldn’t tell you for sure that he did that because everything was so poorly directed and lit that I couldn’t tell what the fuck was going on.

Two, if little Kristen Stewart does win the arm-wrestling contest then what’s the point of Kellan Lutz’s character – absolutely no clue what that character’s name is – having all those muscles? Picking up chicks? I mean if she is stronger than him with her vampire strength than he is with his vampire strength than him having muscles is purely for narcissistic reasons.

Three, is there a power structure in Twilight with becoming a vampire by strong vampire makes you a strong vampire? If so, what dweeb vampire made Kellan Lutz? And, is Ed the strongest vampire? Was that vampire really strong? Or is it like some previously laid out by chance or genetic mutation with the vampire thing that it doesn’t matter who bit you that some people just really take to having super powers better and they are stronger because of that? Or is it simply about wanting IT more?

Four, is there an enormous vampire brawl at the end or do they all just go to another wedding and talk shit out and never use their super powers ever? Because from what I’ve seen, none of them need super powers. They do nothing with them.

And lastly…

Five, don’t answer any of the above questions as serious questions because I couldn’t give a fuck. But, if you do feel like answering any of them please make it the first one.

I guess there is also the chance that this scene doesn’t happen in the books too. I guess. Although, I didn’t read any of the books and have really only watched one of the movies, shit as stupid as the two of them having an arm-wrestling contest seems on par with about everything else that happens in those books. Thunder storm baseball? If only Hollywood were to blame for that one. Ahhh yes, the greatest romance in all of literature can take a moment from handling the back of each other’s knees for a good old fashion arm-wrestling match with one of their completely replaceable friends. … … in the woods, of course.

Everything happens in the fucking woods.

Oh yeah, happy hump day.


3 Responses to “When the debates goes down in the city…”

  1. PWG said

    I won’t answer the arm-wrestling/vampire strength question because I’m a little embarrassed that I was all “Hermione Granger bouncing up and down with my hand in the air” when I read it.

    They’re closing down one of our two highways in Colorado tonight because one of the perks of running for or being President is “no commuter traffic.” Plus a lesser chance of snipers, I guess. I just want to say that it sucks being a purple state from the commute point of view. They are constantly shutting down our roads and overpasses to let Mitt/Ann/Joe/Jill/Barack/Michelle/Paul/whats-her-face through for speechifying. I wouldn’t mind the debate shutdowns if it weren’t for all the other speechy shutdowns.

    And what the speeches are for, I don’t know. Record them from home where you already have a Secret Service perimeter that doesn’t affect me in any way, and then broadcast it. What are the people going to learn by going and seeing it in person vs. watching the scripted telephotogenic contest on TV? It’s not like they’re not vetting the crowds for dissenters ahead of time or actually even answering live questions at this point. Those days are over. STOP VISITING COLORADO, you 2012 contenders.

    We had protester pens, or rather “free speech zones,” the last time around. Nothing to be proud of.

  2. Kim said

    Yes, Bella wins the arm wrestling

  3. Julia said

    I’m vaguely ashamed that I know this, but Bella wins the arm wrestling match because newborn vampires are stronger than older vampires for the first year or so. According to the mythology of the series, it’s because their human blood lingers and makes them stronger until it is slowly transformed.

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