I Spy With My iPhone: Stoli Vodka edition

October 4, 2012

Hola, senoritas y post-op senoritas!

Don’t get jealous, but I have this little contraption called the “iPhone”. I’m one of the few out there with one of these bad bears, and, for the uninformed, it is more than just a phone. It also has a “camera” feature on it and I use it quite frequently. I have over 1,500 pictures on my iPhone and I would like to start breaking down some of the random shit that I take pictures of because I don’t understand them or just think they’re weird.

Today’s picture I took in the men’s bathroom of King’s Oak bar in the Northern Liberties section of Philadelphia, Pa.

It’s an ad for a line of Stoli Vodka drink choices you seemingly could order at the bar once you’re finished urinating out your previous drink choices…

I have a lot of problems with this ad:

“the most original”? Half of the drinks on this list are not “original” drinks that Stoli came up with and instead just substituted themselves into a drink that most people already know about. Also, nothing is original about flavored vodka considering there are almost too many flavored vodkas out there and there is even alcoholic whip cream nowadays. So, not “the most original”.

Spell check? Why is Stoli’s line of flavored vodkas all mispelled? Karamel? Kokonut? Razberi? Chocolat? It’s chocolate! CHOCOLATE! I’m not ordering Johnny Depp and Juliette Binoche’s French romantic comedy as a drink! Although, it would probably be lovely. While we’re on the topic of chocolate titled movies, you should see the movie “Chocolate” that is the Thailand movie about an autistic girl who kicks ass at martial arts. Back to the point, who are these spelling mistakes appealing to? Does “The Situation” like Kokonut instead of Coconut or do the inexplicably more stupid girls who sleep with “The Situation” like Razberi instead of Raspberry? I don’t know, but I fucking hate it.

Where are they? Who approved this ad? Stoli! You are pushing three new products – Chocolat Razberi, Salted Karamel, and Chocolat Kokonut, right? Well, where the fuck are they? I see the regular old bottle of Stoli in this ad. I don’t see Chocolat Razberi, Salted Karamel, and/or Chocolat Kokonut anywhere. You’re talking about them incessantly, but they’re no where to be seen. Stupid. I would think rule 1 of advertising is to show the product YOU ARE ADVERTISING.

Am I the only one disgusted? These flavors sound absolutely disgusting. Who wants salted caramel vodka? I don’t. I can only imagine how unbelievably artificial they all must taste. Are you trying to even slightly lie to me that you actually brewed vodka with salted caramel? I’m guessing it is just Stoli vodka that they dumped a salted caramel perfume into. Am I sipping on Chocolat Razberi vodka? I couldn’t really imagine that. Or even more so the Salted Karamel. Not only could I not imagine drinking these straight…

Am I the only one REALLY disgusted? Frangelico and lemon juice? Well, really none of these sound good at all. I can only imagine how nauseatingly sweet these shots must be. When would you order these? Ok, so I’m drinking beer and, now, I’m popping shots of sickeningly sweet chocolate, caramel, Frangelico, and so on? Awful. I feel like if you drank any of them it would be as a goof once and then never again. The Stoli bombs sound terrible. Replace something I love like Jameson for a perfumed vodka? HAVE WE ALL GONE MAD! An Irish car bomb is an absolutely wonderful perfect concoction and a shitty flavored vodka will not improve upon perfection.

I might be a purist when I drink booze, but does any of the above sound appetizing in the least?

I feel like this is a recipe for redecorating that bars bathroom with sugary flammable vomit.

And speaking of, King’s Oak was a nice place.

And by “nice place”, I mean the two bartenders who assisted myself and my friends in getting tore up drunk were sexy and dressed decently slutty, which is probably the greatest thing about any bar minus inexpensiveness. A cheap bar with an ugly bartender is ok, but how cheap could the booze possibly be for the bar to still make a profit and how ugly is this ugly bartender? A person can be unattractive and then there is ugly where you question whether or not they shower. Meanwhile, an alright priced place with hot bartenders can sometimes be worth the extra bucks. An expensive place is never good. I don’t care how hot the bartender, if I’m paying $9 for a Budweiser then I hate you and your bar and everyone in the bar including the people who brought me there and there’s a chance I’ll break something or steal something to make myself feel better before leaving.



One Response to “I Spy With My iPhone: Stoli Vodka edition”

  1. NixHaw said

    I understand y’all get bacon flavoured vodka over there. Crazy Yanks!

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