What a YELPing idiot: SM23 edition

October 11, 2012

What. Up.

I couldn’t think of anything to write about that wasn’t sports related. I’m not watching the VP debates tonight because THANK GOD the Pittsburgh Steelers and the game of professional tackle football is on TV tonight. There’s that. There’s also Alex Rodriguez getting pulled from last night’s Yankees/Orioles playoffs match-up when the game was on the line because Alex Rodriguez sucks the most when the stakes are the highest. I hate Alex Rodriguez because he has inflated stats from taking steroids and as good as his stats are THEY SHOULD BE BETTER. Dude?! Did you see what Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, and countless others accomplished on steroids? Seriously, you are a waste. A-Rod is the greatest version of Rafael Palmeiro ever. So, you have 640 some odd homeruns and you can’t be trusted to hit one when it actually matters? Yeah, you’re worth all the monies.

I bet Alex Rodriguez is to sex what he is to baseball. He’s got the body and gets the ladies all hot when he’s getting into bed nekkid, but in the pressure situation when he’s actually got to perform – Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Madonna, and so on – are just watching him strike out when it matters most. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

Anyway!

YELP!

Last time, I highlighted one guy in particular – the infamous Steve B. – and his hilarious take on why we shouldn’t go to Sona 13… because he was attacked by two dwarf women who elbow him in the nuts and punched him in the stomach and then disappeared into the shadows before he could tear them limb from limb like the pseudo NBA player look-a-like he is.

Now, I’m going to focus on the 11 in English for SM23. The website mentions the “in English” because this place is a bar/lounge attached to an Indian restaurant in Morristown, NJ. I have been to SM23, which does sound like you would find people in chains and whipping each other while cosplaying in Neon Genesis Evangelion fighter pilot suits. But, it’s actually a circular room with a bar and they serve expensive cocktails. It’s mood lit with sexy dance music playing as if you were about to be coerced into love making after dating a character from Melrose Place. For the most part, it’s a waiting area for the Indian restaurant and/or a place to take a first or second date and show her that you like Sade dance mixes and can afford a $15 mixed drink before you try and shove something into one of their hopefully wet orifices. Appetizing?

AND ONTO THE REVIEWS!

LIZ J. from Caldwell, NJ – 5 stars – 7/11/2012…

Now this place is a lounge!!!! (NY vibe) The atmosphere was stunning. It had a nice, dark and sexy vibe going on. Would be a great place for a nice date or for a small group of friends. The lounge is indeed small, but intimate and very cozy. This is not the place to go to for a quick average drink. You want to come here if you are in the mood for a nice stiff specialty cocktail.

By NY vibe does she mean ethnics? Most places in Motown might as well be segregated they’re so white, but yes this place does shelter a good deal of darker skinned people like I said it is more or less the waiting area for an Indian restaurant. “A nice stiff specialty cocktail” – that’s what she said, Liz. That’s what she said*.
I had a Mango Mojito, and it was the best I have had thus far.YUMMMMMMM!! The bartender was kind enough to show me how much mango Cruzan rum goes in the drink, and I was impressed. I personally like all flavored mojitos to be made with Cruzan rums. So this place gets extra points on the rum choice.

A “mango mojito” is not the most “specialty” of cocktails. You can get those at Fridays. Nothing against that restaurant chain, but “specialty” isn’t really what I would call that drink. I had a drink there called the “Tokyo” that was vodka, white wine, sake, lemon juice, bitters, and had an ice sphere in it. AN ICE SPHERE! It was good. Sweet, but good. Probably would lead to sugary throw up if you had too many.

Also, does this chick work for Cruzan rum?

I then had a Grilled Pineapple & Cracked Pepper martini. I know it sounds odd, but it was strangely delicious, and stiff enough to be your last drink. They infused the pepper in the Prairie vodka themselves; which was really cool. If you like a nice spicy after taste than this is your drink.

I’m sure the pepper helps mask the rohypnol.

I went after work hours and there was actually a pretty decent size after work crowd for a Monday.  They have happy hour that consist of your basic wine and well drinks, but it does not include the specialty cocktails. I’m not sure I would indulge in happy hour drinks, when they have a good amount of delicious cocktails to choose from. The cocktails are not cheap, but well worth splurging once in a while. They have food and apps but  didn’t  try it.The bartender on duty was super cool, and really understood the art of mixology. I will definitely be coming back to this place (hopefully with a date lol).

Awwww… Liz never came back with a date because no one dates a Yelper. No one.

Next…

Michelene E. from Houston, TX – 4 stars – 8/19/2012

All the bartenders are so skilled at the technique I prefer to call them mixologist!  They all have perfected the craft of making drinks!!  Even watching them is entertaining.   I love this lounge, very sleek and sexy!!  Try the raspberry bellini!

People who call bartenders mixologists is reason #6 why the terrorists hate us.

Next…

Steve B. (!!!!!!!!!) from Morristown, NJ – 5 stars – 3/1/2009

I almost don’t want to post about this place because NOBODY ever knows where it is.  The only true lounge in town, SM23 is really small with amazing ambiance.  It’s located with Ming and Mendhi’s to the right of the Hyatt; it’s easily accessed off of the corner of the Green past the Century 21 through that large plaza area, you’ll know it if you see it.

I’ll know it by the signs that SM23 and I’ll follow them into the place just like every fucking bar or restaurant or IKEA that exists to serve customers for money.
A very chill place with good not-too-loud ambient techno/trance most of the time, it’s a pimp unknown NYC-style lounge right here in Motown.  Very well designed, I love the feel of this place.

Do I really need to come up with a joke about anything that was said in those two perfectly crafted sentences? Seriously, if you didn’t laugh from reading that then you have no sense of humor and I cannot help you.

I haven’t even gotten to the best part . . . the drinks.  They have some amazing bartenders with a ridiculous drink list; if you walk in and ask for a Jack&Coke or a Heineken you’re in the wrong place.  The drinks are definitely on the pricier side, about $11 for a topshelf mixed drink that might just blow you away.

“Might” just blow me away doesn’t sound like an issue at a “pimp unknown NYC-style lounge”. I would imagine the best part of any lounge should be the drinks. If it isn’t then what the Hell am I showing up for? Dude you got to go to this bar! Why? Do they have good drinks? No, the drinks are terrible, BUT they have actual MONKEYS AS BARTENDERS. I’m talking about actual Red Leaf Monkeys straight from Borneo! But they can’t make a Jack & Coke for shit.

So it’s not an everyday place and it’s not likely the place to meet someone of the opposite sex, but it’s perfect as a getaway spot for a few drinks with someone else special.  If this place was in Hoboken/ Manhattan it would have massive underground appeal and be too crowded, but because it’s here in Morristown it doesn’t have any of that.  But to me it’s one of the best secrets of Morristown and would be a place I’d be willing to drive 45 minutes to get to.

Massive underground appeal? What does that mean? Mole people? This place would be filled with mole people not looking to hook-up, but to enjoy expensive drinks by themselves. Also, is Steve B. implying this is a good gay hook-up spot? It’s not good for meeting someone of the opposite sex, but what about the same? Huh, Steve B.? You would drive 45 minutes to this place? Very specific. What about an hour? Or just 55 minutes? So many questions. Lastly, you’re not doing a good job of keeping this place a secret by telling your massive Yelp following.

Next…

Sean M. from Morristown, NJ – 4 stars – 4/15/2009

SM23 is a great lounge to swing by when you’re strolling the green.  The drinks are sexy, the food is sexy, and the lounge itself is sexy.

I just came in my pants reading that. EVERYTHING IS SEXY!

It’s very small and when you get there, you appreciate that.  It’s one of those places that makes you want to lean in and whisper gently in your  dates’ ear.

Whisper things like “My pants are moist and musky because this place is so fucking sexy. I might steal one of these couch cushions, so I can hump it until there is no usable material left on it.”

SM23 is a little piece of Vegas nestled in HQ Plaza.  If you’re looking for a place to sip down a simple relaxed cocktail made to perfection, SM23 is exactly what you’re looking for.

“Simple relaxed cocktails” sipping is not what I think of when I think of Vegas. What I think of when I think of Vegas is a 55 ounce plastic football filled with Natty Light for $2.50 that you drink through a straw and eating a $7 steak and eggs special at 4 in the morning while burping something that smells like Jim Beam flushed out of a sewer.

Next…

Sapna P. from Emeryville, CA – 5 stars – 4/22/2009

I’m typically a beer and wine drinker, but at SM23 it would be a disgrace not to indulge in their tasty cocktails. My favs are SM23 Mule or English Garden. The bar staff is knowledgeable about the extensive cocktail menu (which is definitely as innovative as cocktails places in the city.)

If you are low on nicknames for your genitals – SM23 Mule or English Garden – will definitely be nice additions. Which city? You’re from California. Anyway, I’m glad that the people who work at the establishment know about the products they sell. That is a plus!

Growing up in NJ, I’ve seen my fair share of Indian restaurants and bars, but SM23, Mehndi, and Ming II are definitely in a league of their own in atmosphere (not your cliché Indian décor), service, and overall deliciousness (oh my, roti canai!) It’s also pretty versatile for different occasions too – I’ve met up with friends but also taken my parents and had some huge groups there.

Congratulations, Sapna, way to rub it in our faces that you have people who want to hang out with you. Bitch. As far as “not your cliche Indian decor”, I guess I would agree in terms of SM23, but in Mehndi there is a Henna tattoo artist in the middle of the place. Henna tattooing! Nothing wrong with that, but that’s pretty cliche. I’ve never seen a Henna tattoo person at a Burger King. Although, that would be amazing.

I’m not easy to please, so it says a lot when I get a craving and hop on a train to go to SM23.

Tip of advice, Sapna, don’t tell everyone up front that your easy to please. You’re supposed to let the poor son of a bitch who is dating you figure that out years from now when you’re married. AM I RIGHT?! A train from California?! Jeez! That is crazy uneasy to please. Honey, I’m hungry… for that place 3,000 miles away. Get me takeout.

Next…

Nicole W. from Morristown, NJ – 4 stars – 7/19/2009

Great pre- or after- dinner spot to grab a drink in this bar that has an upscale nyc lounge atmosphere.

It’s post, you jackass. Pre or post. Not after.

I second Roger A’s suggestion of trying the English Garden. The bartender recommended it to us as his favorite. It is a cool and refreshing martini. I was hesitant to try a cocktail that had cucumber listed as one of the ingredients but it was really good.

Listen, Nicole W., if you want Roger A. to tend your “English Garden” there is a better place to do that than on Yelp. When she says she was hesitant about a cucumber in her English Garden… right?

Next…

Jamie Kay K. from Morristown, NJ – 4 stars – 9/13/2010

Cute.  Small.  Dark.

Is that a description of yourself or the place? Average looking. Tall. Pale.

$6 drinks during happy hour isn’t tooooo bad.  Upscale for Morristown.

I’m not sure about “upscale” or not, but $6 drinks isn’t expensive by Motown’s standards. That’s pretty normal. This is an affluent white suburb.

Next…

Anne L. from Summit, NJ – 4 stars – 6/2/2011

This place is hot and sexy! Great Martinis that come in massive glasses. Great for drinks and just chill after dinner on your date. Expensive but isn’t in Jersey?! You’ve gotta go, it’s in headquarters plaza in mo town.

So, do you get a massive amount of the martini or is it a regular martini just in a big glass? Also, who thinks massive glasses is a good thing? I don’t want an unwieldy martini glass. I think Anne L. had too many of these massive glassed martinis because what the hell does “expensive, but isn’t in Jersey?!” mean? It is in New Jersey. Don’t take any travel notes from Anne L. she’s crazy.

Next…

AeHee P. from Denville, NJ – 3 stars – 2/10/2011

Perhaps I had a bad experience, but I didn’t find this place to be that impressive. The DJ was ok, but could’ve been better and more energetic for a Sat night. My drink SM23 Bellini was TOO gingery, though my other friends enjoyed their specialty cocktails (a bit on the pricey side). They all agreed my drink was not good.

Well, bitches be bitches after all. There’s plenty more from this unpronounceable named lady, but if a “bad experience” is still 3 stars then maybe this chick needs to relearn her vocabulary. Bad is not better than 3 stars out of 5.

There was only 1 waitress who was not very attentive to my group of 10. There were perhaps only 4 or 5 other smaller groups. I brought a cake for my husband’s birthday and got a weird and confused look. I had mentioned the cake when I made the reservation with the manager so I figured they would be expecting it. When I later asked for the cake to be brought out, the bus boy brought it out still in the box with no plates or utensils. What am I to do w/a cake in a box? The candles were even taped on the top of the box ready to go. When I asked to have it served to us the bus boy looked confused and brought it back inside. I flagged down the waitress and asked for the cake to be brought out w/candles lit, she said that I had already requested the cake to be cut up. Ok – is it just me or is that really poor restaurant management? Or maybe noone has ever brought a cake here before. We were just starting to enjoy ourselves when the lights came on and the party was over. They close at 1am on a Saturday night. Disappointing!

Maybe the waitress lived a deprived life and never saw a cake before? YOU DON’T KNOW, AeHee! Maybe your husband has an equally unrecognizable alien name and it was written in icing on the cake and the waitress was like, “What the fuck does that say?” What are you to do with a cake in a box? Open it! Eat the cake! Jeez, AeHee must’ve lived a pretty privileged life if she doesn’t know how to remove cake from a box. Either way, what the Hell does this have to do with SM23?! There’s an impossibly low percentage chance I or anyone else is going to run into this same cake fiasco at SM23. What a daft inductive reasoning using idiot.

The only positives were really funny people to watch – quite an interesting mix of people. But I do agree it was a more mature crowd than perhaps Grasshopper’s or anywhere else, therefore no pushing through a huge crowd to get to the bathroom. After reading the reviews I was just expecting better service, better music, and better tasting drink.

I hate AeHee. Who has a birthday party in the glorified waiting area of an Indian restaurant? Next time, take your Pathmark sheet cake and your 7-11 candles and shove them up your ass, AeHee.

Next…

Liza Z. from Morristown, NJ – 3 stars – 4/7/2010

This has got to be the DARKEST bar in Morristown….while that can have it’s occasions 😉 the date I took there the first time I went there was so impressed by this fact, he couldn’t stop mentioning it. Great. Anyway. They serve lots of fancy drinks and they serve the wine is over-sized glasses. If that’s what you’re looking for, this is the best place in Morristown for it!

Are we talking about fucking in this place? Liza Z.! Great, I’m glad I now have a place for my two favorite fetishes – public sex and over-sized glasses! Wooo! How big are these glasses? Comically big? Or do these people all have small hands?

And lastly…

J.N. from Morristown, NJ – 4 stars – 1/26/2010

The drinks are really creative so definitely take a chance and try something new. The music can be a little loud so you might have to yell a bit when you’re talking. Great place for a relaxing night out if you don’t feel like making the trip to the city!

Excellent. I can’t wait to have a relaxing night of yelling(!!!!!).

Apparently, New York City aka the city to everyone is going to an ethnically run bar with expensive drinks. Good to know.

Yelping idiots!

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2 Responses to “What a YELPing idiot: SM23 edition”

  1. Forever Alone Liz is an alcoholic. She specifically mentions how “stiff” things are twice, and then that whole thing about the bartender showing her how much rum was in the drink. Did she make him poor it slowly in front of her to prove it could get her loaded enough? Classic Liz.

    Also, we need to get Pimp Steve B. hooked up with Forever Alone Liz. She needs a date to go to SM23 again, he sounds like he may be looking for one in SM23 with no luck… boom, magic. They can go to the sexy lounge and drink sexy “stiff” drinks and then write sexy Yelp reviews in the sexy “stiff” nude.

  2. I now crave a cucumber in my English (New Englanderish?) Garden…thanks a lot for the new erotic fantasy material!
    Ooooh, I know! EL James can use this in a new series, “50 Shades of Roses”…just imagine what she could cum up with using petals and thorns!

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