What The FUCK Are We Listening To?: Adele’s Skyfall

October 16, 2012

‘ello, ‘ello, ‘ELLO!

I am reporting live from the new homestead of the KSWI juggernaut and/or abandoned Russian satellite that continues to orbit the Earth just outside of the atmosphere with no clear purpose or open lines of communication. I did not post yesterday as I know the dozens of you cried about for an extended period of seconds because I did not have internet or cable yet. On Sunday, I moved into a home with one of your used to be fellow commenters. And being the Sunday that it was, the cable provider doesn’t send people out to hook up the most essential thing on Earth – INTERNET AND CABLE. Now, I have it after a long day of waiting (5 hours late). And my first post from new not-so-humble abode… is about Adele?

ADELE!

Yes, Adele.

Adele is looking quite Judd like in the picture above. Also, Adele’s holy cleavage looks like it starts right past her chin. Forehead, eyes, nose, glorious mouth, chin, TITS.

Look at those bad bears. LOOK AT THEM!

So, everyone loves Adele. We all do. At this point, if you’re a woman and you don’t like Adele then a group of women with pitchforks and torches come and find you and remove your ovaries with said pitchforks and torches because you don’t deserve to be a woman anymore since renouncing the voice of all women everywhere. Meanwhile, if you’re a man and you’re in the business of trying to love a woman and you don’t like Adele then that same group of women with pitchforks and torches chop your penis off and leave your balls perfectly intact because they know that is the worst torture of it all. As a man, you only keep your balls around because you have a penis. The balls are the most annoying part of outward genitalia. Some men even get rid of their balls and keep their penis, but I defy you to find someone who has done the opposite! … actually, don’t. I don’t want to receive those emails. Send emails filled with pictures of yourself impersonating Adele in your bedroom or bathroom mirror because we all know that you do that every hour you have free.

Anyway… Adele is great and we love her and given the opportunity I would sleep a thousand sleeps between her boobs and rest comfortably knowing I spent those hours of my life as close to Heaven as I could.

Now, the song “Skyfall” is for the “Skyfall” movie of the same name, which is the 178th installment of James Bond, which is coming out next month (November) and is already receiving good/great reviews. I’ve seen every James Bond movie and I’m comfortable in saying that they should make another 178 of them because why the fuck not. If you haven’t heard the theme then I guess do so…

Let me say right off the bat, I have no fucking clue what these lyrics mean.

I have a few guesses:

1. The apocalypse

2. Adele’s break-up

3. A rollercoaster

I may be right about all 3 or wrong about 2, but I’m right about at least 1.

Let’s look at the lyrics and you tell me…

This is the end
Hold your breath and count to ten
Feel the earth move and then
Hear my heart burst again

1. Pretty obvious – “This is the end”. I’m not sure about the heart bursting, but it’s possible she’s having a heart attack because of her feat of the apocalypse or because she’s banging one last time as the world undoes existence around her. But I think it sounds pretty apocalyptic with the ending, Earth moving, something bursting et cetera.

2. Overly dramatic Adele. It’s what we’ve come to know and love. I picture a “Say Anything” moment with Adele outside the ex-boyfriend’s house like 3 months after he broke up with her and she’s still wearing the clothes of his she stole and she’s screaming in broad daylight about this being the “end” and her holding her breath until he acknowledges her outside. Let’s just say it’s not going well. She’s passing out a lot and crying and she’s covered in leaves and grass stains.

3. You’ve taken the trip to Six Flags, which is like 7A on the New Jersey Turnpike. You’re on the Great American Scream Machine. You’ve gotten all the way to the top when you realize that Adele or a woman like Adele is next to you and she’s treating this rollercoaster ride like a Shakespearean tragedy and is talking about her heart bursting and this being the “end”. It’s disconcerting in a sense, but so are the churros that are for sale and you already ate like 5 of those. They’re so sugary!

For this is the end
I’ve drowned and dreamed this moment
So overdue, I owe them
Swept away, I’m stolen

1. More end stuff and drowning and I suppose the dreaming could be prophesying the end of civilization, which I think we all have done once a week this entire year with 12/21/2012 right around the corner. I’ll tell you one thing about this impending apocalypse – I’m not going Christmas shopping until 12/22. I’m not spending the last moments of my life in a Macys picking out perfume for my Mom. I love her and all, but that sounds more Hellish than the apocalypse. If we slip through 12/21 unscathed then I’ll find myself at one of the millions of malls in New Jersey eating up my credit limit.

2. While the police arrive at the ex-boyfriend’s for the 8th time in 11 days, Adele is mumbling this to the boys in blue who are protecting and serving from a clinger.

3. No idea, but people say a lot of shit when they’re on a rollercoaster. People scream with bloody terror and yell and cry and laugh, so a few “swept away, I’m stolen” isn’t anything worse. In general, I have no clue what Adele is talking about in this stanza at all. Although, I would like to throw out a “swept away, I’m stolen” in conversation like a “when in Rome” and see if people pick up on it not being some colloquial phrase we all know and use. Hey man, can you help me with something on Thursday? Nah, I’m sorry I won’t be around. Ah, ok, just my luck. Yeah, “swept away, I’m stolen” as they say. Yeah… what?

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall

1. Sky falling and crumbling and we’re going to just eat it. Like take the apocalypse right in the face together. Like Tea Leoni and her dad who looked nothing like a man who would be her dad standing on the beach in “Deep Impact” eating that tsunami together.

2. JOSH! LET THE SKY FALL AND WHEN IT CRUMBLES, WE’LL STAND TALL AND FACE IT ALL TOGETHER! JOSH, WE’LL FACE IT TOGETHER! JOSH, I CAN SEE YOU BEHIND THE CURTAIN! I DON’T CARE HOW MANY TIMES YOU CALL THE POLICE, WE WILL FACE THE SKY FALL TOGETHER! DON’T YOU CLOSE THE BLINDS TOO, JOSH! SHE’S NOT GOING TO STAND TALL WITH YOU, JOSH! SHE’S A WHORE OF BABYLON AND I’M YOUR SKY FALLING STANDING TOGETHER SOULMATE!

3. The sky falling is the rollercoaster taking that plunge and maybe you’re not on the Scream Machine and instead are on that Superman ride where you stand the whole time.

Skyfall is where we start
A thousand miles and poles apart
When worlds collide, and days are dark
You may have my number, you can take my name
But you’ll never have my heart

1. The apocalypse is killing everyone from the North to the South and she’s definitely not surviving it, but it won’t take Adele’s spirit from her. The apocalypse wins, but Adele wins the moral victory. Like a team in last place giving the team in first place a run for their money in head-to-head competition, but ultimately losing the game.

2. JOSH! JUST LISTEN TO ME! NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO! WHETHER YOU STAY HERE LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS OR YOU MOVE TO MADAGASCAR OR YOU TAKE THAT SALES REP JOB IN MILWAUKEE – I WILL FOLLOW, JOSH! A THOUSAND MILES AND POLES APART, JOSH! YOU HAVE MY NUMBER, YOU KNOW MY NAME, BUT YOU’LL NEVER HAVE MY HEART… UNLESS YOU SAY SOMETHING OR ANYTHING TO ME, JOSH! AND TELL YOUR DAD TO TURN THE SPRINKLERS OFF, JOSH! I’M WET AND COLD AND I THINK I MIGHT HAVE THE FLU! JOSH!

3. You may make me scream, you may even make me wet my pants, but you’ll never have my heart – rollercoaster. NEVER!

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall

1. We get it. You’re not going to try and outrun the tidal wave like Elijah Wood on the Moped. Just taking death in the face like Robert Duvall and company on the failed mission to the asteroid who now must crash into the asteroid to only allow a third of the asteroid to crash into the Earth.

2. JOSH! JOSH! JOSH! JOOOOOOOOOSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!!

3. It’s a really great rollercoaster.

Where you go I go,
What you see I see
I know I’ll never be me, without the security
Of your loving arms
Keeping me from harm
Put your hand in my hand
And we’ll stand

1. This part doesn’t sound apocalyptic as much as it sounds like “Every Breath You Take” by The Police.

2. JOSH! IF YOU DON’T ANSWER ME, I’LL FOLLOW YOU TO THE DUNKIN’ DONUTS ON ELM STREET EVERY MORNING! I KNOW YOU’RE THERE! YOU CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THEIR PUMPKIN COFFEE, JOSH! THAT’S ONE OF THE REASONS WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED TOGETHER AT LEAST THROUGH THE FALL – OUR SHARED LOVE OF PUMPKIN COFFEE! WE’RE WHITE, JOSH! PUMPKIN IS LIKE OUR CRACK!

3. This is when it starts to get a little freaky on the rollercoaster, but you go with it because OkCupid has been getting old and you’re pretty sure you’ve dated every 25-35 year old, college degree having, Jewish, likes dogs, non-smoker, chick in a 15 mile radius. So, if the girl on the rollercoaster is getting touchy feely then that’s cool. Maybe you can take her on the “Rolling Thunder” or a Ferris wheel and recreate the finger banging scene from “Fear”. I think about “Fear” too often. Honestly, great work by Wahlberg. He’s definitely believable as the jocky guy who also has severe emotional problems because that’s honestly what I picture him as in real life.

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall

Let the sky fall
We will stand tall
At skyfall

1. Shit is getting real and we might as well have front row seats to the end of the world.

2. JOSH! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, JOSH! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I SHOULDN’T EVEN SAY LOVE ANYMORE! I LURV YOU! IT’S A NEW WORD, JOSH! MY LURV IS SO MUCH FOR YOU THAT I CAN’T PRONOUNCE THE ORIGINAL WORD CORRECTLY ANYMORE! JOSH! JOSH! JOSH?! CAN YOU TURN ON “HOMELAND”?! I’LL JUST WATCH IT THROUGH THE WINDOW! OK?! I’M PRETTY GOOD AT READING LIPS, SO DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE SOUND BEING TURNED UP OR ANYTHING! JOSH! WE WILL FACE IT ALL TOGETHER! MILWAUKEE, YOU LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS! WHATEVER IT IS! ALSO, PLEASE PUT ON “HOMELAND”!

3. As you exit the ride, you do an odd dip/duck down where you simultaneously tuck your boner in the waist line of your jeans and pull your jacket down over it. Sure, it was only a little hand holding on a roller coaster, but thinking about Reese Witherspoon and Alyssa Milano in “Fear” really got things flowing. Remember that part where Alyssa Milano is wearing a halter top and is drunk at that party? Wow. Really changed my opinion about “Who’s the Boss?”

Anyway, those are the lyrics.

All in all, I think the beginning of the song sounds remarkably similar to the Chris Cornell song “You Know My Name” for “Casino Royale”. Actually, these two songs sound almost identical at points. I thought that was one of the better James Bond opening songs especially of recent times. I don’t even remember who did the song for “Quantum of Solace” – that movie sucked anyway.

In the end, I like Adele’s theme better than Cornell’s because I’d rather picture Adele’s heaving bosom instead of Cornell’s. Sorry, Chris. I still love Temple of the Dog and Soundgarden.

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4 Responses to “What The FUCK Are We Listening To?: Adele’s Skyfall”

  1. Hopie Dopie said

    JOSH!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. PWG said

    I’m sorry, I had to stop at the beginning and say, “Awwwwwwww” about the moving in part. That makes me stupidly happy.

    Seems like an extreme measure to take to prevent me from stalking said commenter anymore, though, we closed that office, man!

    • WHAT NO THAT IS HORSESHIT. Your company is the worst. You drove all those chairs around in a minivan for NOTHING (except a few beers at my local Irish pub).

      • PWG said

        Yeah, that was me looting said office before we closed it. We still have the New York one, though, you’re not out of the woods yet, Josh.

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