Happy November Movie Previews – Hollywood Tries For A Month – Part 2

October 23, 2012

What?! MORE MOVIES?!

Bears. Giants. Obama. Quite a Monday. Tonight? Happy Endings.

SKYFALL

Yes. I’m looking forward to this despite the trailers being less than inspiring. I don’t know what I expected to see in the trailers that would match my excitement for this movie… ninjas, a unicorn, shameless nudity, Daniel Craig punching Hitler… but the trailers just look like another James Bond movie, nothing more than that. Directing the movie is Sam Mendes and I am a big fan of Mr. Mendes and I’m a big fan of Mr. Craig as Bond – or was for Casino Royale and just didn’t like Quantum of Solace – and I’m a big fan of Mr. Bardem who is playing the bad guy. The trailers look just like any other big blockbuster action movie and I’m just hoping this will be better told than Quantum of Solace and/or all of Pierce Brosnan’s Bond’s including Golden Eye. Either way, I have faith in Mendes over the marketing of this movie or how I’m supposed to be excited that Adele is doing the title’s theme song.

I think I’ve seen almost every Bond. Maybe a couple have slipped by out of the 20+. Generally speaking, there are more bad or nothing special Bond movies than good ones. Right now, Craig is batting .500 with Casino Royale being long and entertaining and Quantum of Solace being short and boring. I like the character of Bond and I don’t even mind that all Bond movies follow the same formula more or less. Sure, we’re going to see Bond cordially challenging Bardem at some point when Bardem seemingly doesn’t know who Bond is at that point and they’ll probably be in a public setting like a dinner party that the bad guy hosts or something similar. Whatever. Just keep it simple, don’t over-complicate it, have some good action scenes, have some cheesy romance scenes, and have Bond and Bardem duel to the death in the end.

A ROYAL AFFAIR

Speaking of Casino Royale, the bad guy in that movie is the dude in this poster to your left looking common with a pony tail instead of that silk robe and wig that other dude is wearing. Yes, Mads. Mads is beloved over in Denmark. He has done his fair share of action movies, but more so he is a romance/drama actor. Here’s another one to add to the already bloated cache of them. I haven’t seen the trailer or read the plot outline, but I’m pretty sure it is safe to say that this chick is supposed to be with the robe wearer and is instead banging the stable boy Mads. Stable man? Either way. Do you like Danish people? Do you like Danish people having overly dramatic relationship problems in some yesteryear culture that most likely never existed? Then watch this. I should say rent this. Get a bag of popcorn, maybe some scented candles, and rub one out while reading subtitles.

THE COMEDY

This should be called “Hipster FUBU”. A drama about an aging hipster whose life is falling to pieces in that he’s wasted his life drinking with his friends who have also wasted their life drinking with him. The movie is directed and acted by some of the greatest loves of hipster culture and the movie is about hipsters and poking fun at hipsters, but in a way glorifying them. So… For Us By Us… and I want to see it. Definitely not a movie for everyone, which is exactly how hipsters want it. Tim Heidecker pseudo famous for his plethora of Adult Swim TV shows that are loved by hipsters plays this aging hipster who is a mess. I can’t imagine this movie having any crossover appeal, but for the people who are already in love with the idea of Tim Heidecker playing some waste of life while James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem plays one of his dumb buddies then this movie is already a homerun most likely. I’m one of those people and at the same time I’m almost expecting this will be winding and pointless and more a showoff piece that Heidecker is more than the Adult Swim guy. Who knows? Like Heidecker is a good musician. He released an album that was supposed to be a joke album. The songs are too good to just be funny, but not serious enough to be a good album. That’s what I fear the movie will be. And with that, that’s perfectly hipster.

LINCOLN

Must. See. This. It’s very rare for Daniel Day-Lewis to be in a bad movie. He’s been in a few and even those few he’s been the best part of them… Gangs of New York. The movie is focusing on the last few months of Lincoln’s life when he was ill, the head of a warring nation, and about to be both near deified and killed without him knowing. There are a lot of great actors in the movie supporting Day-Lewis as one would expect in a Spielberg movie about Abraham Lincoln. Originally, Lincoln was supposed to be played by Liam Neeson. While Liam is a good actor, he’s not nearly as good as Day-Lewis. Plus, who knows if Neeson even has it in him to make good movies while he’s out shooting foreigners in Taken 2… and probably 3, 4, and 5.

I’m expecting this movie to be sappy as shit, but who cares. They used to make movies like this all the time in the 60’s and for whatever reason we kind of got away from that. Big name actors playing big name roles. We’re too cool and too post-modern or something to rehash some of the epics and just do them right. I’m hoping Lincoln is excellent and I’m also hoping that it’s just grand, but succinct. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel, just make the best wheel of its kind. The trailers look great. Can’t wait for it.

NATURE CALLS

Yesterday, I was saying I haven’t seen many comedies this year. I should have said I really haven’t seen many stupid comedies and thankfully, I guess, Patton Oswalt and Johnny Knoxville decided to change that. In a movie that more or less looks like Daniel Stern’s Bushwhacked, Patton Oswalt leads a bunch of scouts into the woods while being chased by Knoxville, the late and great Patrice O’Neal, and Rob Riggle for whatever reason. The movie is R so expect tons of cursing around kids or involving kids. As far as frivolous entertainment goes, this is all we got. But let’s take a moment and remember the 80’s and 90’s when Daniel Stern was a comedic genius…

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0827663/

Those were the good days. I’ve probably seen Bushwhacked 3 or 4 times. Definitely saw it in theaters. Same can be said for Celtic Pride, both City Slickers, Rookie of the Year a million times, and Home Alone(s) a billion times. If you have some time on your hands, I’d suggest watching My Blue Heaven. It is a Steve Martin vehicle more so than a Daniel Stern, but it’s a great movie nonetheless.

FUCKING FINALLY IT’S OVER!

I have no clue what is happening in these movies. I never really had a clue what was happening in them when I saw the first 2 of them, but since that point it has only gotten more mixed up. I couldn’t tell you a thing that happened in the third movie and I’m pretty sure the fourth one aka part 1 was all about Ed and Bella putting their genitals together until they made a demon baby and now Bella is a vampire and a MILF. But judging from this poster, I would guess that the fate of the world is based on a vampire run iditarod and/or an episode of Ice Road Truckers. That doesn’t sound right, but nothing I’ve ever heard about these movies ever “sounds right”. Would it really be all that surprising that lightning storm baseball vampires would also involve themselves in an Armageddon deciding sled dog race? Nope. What I do know is that these posters regardless of subject matter are horrible. I have no idea what this is supposed to symbolize or illustrate, but it’s terrible. I can’t tell if they actually posed for this terrible picture or are they video game characters they just made to look like them? It’s so awkward. This is what your final conclusion is? A bunch of vampires and werewolves snowshoeing a 40 yard dash? I’m glad there is a Twilight because it has defined the bottom. How bad could something be and still be eaten up by the public? That’s Twilight to me. Sometimes I think about how bad we all must feel having listened to Limp Bizkit as much as we did, but now I think Twilight has easily replaced whatever shame I felt. I’d rather Fred Durst pen another dozen albums with 3rd grader verbiage – Nookie? Break stuff? – and a litany of cover songs no one ever asked for – Faith? Behind Blue Eyes – than another sequel of any sort of this utterly confusing supposed love story about demon babies, feathers, sparkly virgin vampires, Native Americans who simply evolved into werewolves, and God knows what else people’s minds have been subjected to by these stupid movies. Either way, thank God it’s over.

ANNA KARENINA

What is it 2004? Who cares about Keira Knightley and Jude Law anymore? I don’t. They might as well call this Pride and Prejudice 2. We’ve got the gang back together for it with Keira and whatshisface who directed that movie and the other Knightley movie Atonement. I guess people will see this. Just like they saw those two movies or something like The Young Victoria. It’s romance and dresses and men in military garb and big rooms with 60 foot rugs and 60 foot curtains. Chicks fucking love that. Chicks love big ass rugs. Like unreasonably big rugs. And curtains. Nothing gets a chick hotter than seeing like a 30 foot high ceilings with 30 foot high windows and 30 foot high curtains and then maybe a chandelier and a painting or two and then a big ass rug and then at most a couple of couches that look uncomfortable as hell and then candles. Did you all just wet your pants? Like sopping wet? Like slip and slide wet? That’s the hottest thing to you ladies apparently. Some bitch who has drama just rushing from room to room with big ass windows and big ass rugs and high ceilings and she’s in some dress with a corset just hustling around looking breathless. That’s like the hottest shit ever. Then at night, she sleeps in a 4 poster canopy bed in a white linen blousy as all hell gown and she has sex with her dead husband’s best friend by oil lamp light. Fuck that’s hot. Just stop talking or I’m jamming the phone nearest phone receiver inside me kind of hot. RUGS!

PRICE CHECK

From the poster, I get that Parker Posey is going to be cute and quirky in this movie. If you see those types of movies then see this one. If you don’t then you probably have no clue who the fuck Parker Posey is and you can move on.

More movies tomorrow…

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