Happy November Movie Previews – Hollywood Tries For A Month – Part 3

October 24, 2012

Hump day.

Hump day. Humpity hump day. Hump it up day. Hump it down day. Hump it all around day. Hump it all around the town without a frown in your wedding gown wearing a gold crown while whipping some stupid clown and talking about those average quarterback brothers Luke, Josh, and Randy McCown. Hump day.

Hump day. Humpity hump day. Hump up a pace. Hump someone’s face. Hump while listening to the rapper Mace. Hump all dressed in lace and always hump after saying grace. Hump in space; we’re humping all over the place. Hump day.

Movies…

LIFE OF PI

Did anyone actually read this book? I didn’t.

I’m constantly told how good this book was and how so many people read it, but whenever I ask anyone if they’ve read it they say no. ARE THEY HIDING SOMETHING?! I haven’t read, but I have heard it is excellent and all that hokey fonokey menorah. Oh what’s “hokey fonokey menorah”? Just something my Dad said to me in a dream last night. Why? What does it mean? No idea, but it does sound like something he could possibly say. Hokey fonokey menorah! Life of Pi is like Castaway meets Slumdog Millionaire meets a tiger. Sounds watchable. I can’t believe this was a book everyone was reading and loving. At the same time, nothing surprises me when I saw Oprah give “The Road” her bookclub seal of approval and then I found out about the whole “Girl with a Dragon Tattoo” stuff and everyone just loves about women getting rape murdered all over Eastern Europe. Hooray literature! Stupid television, you can never compare to the artistic words of rape murders! Die television! … I’m sorry, TV. Please stay! I don’t know what came over me! Books are the Devil! That’s why we burn them every so often! TV, you’re the bestest, most kindest friend. I love you more than 99% of the human beings I have ever met.

Life of Pi the movie is supposed to be great. I don’t know why they say it’s the next “Avatar”. I can only assume the people saying that didn’t see Avatar and are just shouting things that pop into their brain like hokey fonokey menorah. Life of Pi is the next hokey fonokey menorah says Joel Stein of the New York Times! The movie is directed by Ang Lee, which means it will have great visuals and will have a lot of music swells. Either way, I’m excited for it and I hope to hump you at the movies while we watch Life of Pi. NEXT!

RED DAWN

I’d say “fuck you, Hollywood” if it weren’t for the fact that who gives a fuck about “Red Dawn”. I’ve seen Red Dawn a number of times with Patrick Swayze playing a high school kid while at the same time being 45. What’s good about the original is that it is classic 80’s stuff and it’s SUPER VIOLENT. WOLVERINES!!!!!! like to fucking bloody murder people. A lot of people. It was one of the most violent action movies made when it came out. This movie will be absolutely stupid and unwatchable. The movie being PG-13 ruins the entirety of what was good about the first movie. Also, they changed the bad guys to the North Koreans for the Hell of it I suppose. If it weren’t for making foreigners the villains most foreign looking actors wouldn’t get an acting job, so I guess that’s good that they employed a bunch of Asian looking dudes.

A simple rule of thumb with movies… if the hot chick from the “Friday Night Lights” TV show is in it then it’s probably horrible.

When I say the hot chick from “Friday Night Lights”… I mean all of them. In this case it is Adrianne Palicki. That pretty blonde with big bozanagas loves being in terrible movies. But you could say the same for the flawless, perfect female human MinKa Kelly. She is in horrible movies too. Or that Amy Teegarden or whatever. She’s good looking and loves being in shitty movies. Who else was hot and on that show? Or right, Connie Britton. She does more TV than movies, but I never see any of it. Hot chicks…

RISE OF THE GUARDIANS

I have not once watched this trailer in the company of others and not seen said others go “what the fuck?” and/or shake their head in utter disgust. That pretty much sums up a movie that takes the tooth fairy, Jack Frost, the Sandman, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny and turns them into fighting super heroes. Santa Claus is a viking/Russian/tattooed/pirate something or other? What the hell. Dreamworks must have really run out of ideas or was willing to make ANYTHING involving Santa Claus a month out from Christmas. It looks horrendous and I’m thoroughly happy I don’t have children who possibly would force my hypothetical wife and I to see the movie. I wouldn’t see it. I’ll tell my hypothetical shitty children and my hypothetical not listening to me wife that I’m not seeing the damn movie no matter what they say. I’d get a divorce! It’s not happening. I’m not seeing the Easter Bunny dual wielding boomerangs just because I have a stupid kid. Not happening. God bless birth control.

SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK

I’m seeing this.

If and only if because the movie was shot in Philadelphia right by St. Joe’s where I went to school. In the trailer, they show them eating at a diner. That was our diner! Not like we owned it, but more like we went to it every chance we got when we were hungover. And there was this one waitress there who had this enormous mole above her lip, but the rest of her was bitchy hot and we called her “herp lip” and we loved her. True story.

Anyway, the movie itself looks pretty good in that this is rom/com that a dude could probably sit through and like and by dude I mean the stereotypical heterosexual male who only likes action movies and Justified. I don’t know what I meant by any of that. It looks decent though. The story seems pretty fucking obvious and not as philosophical as they want to make it out to be. So, you were in the mental hospital and you get out of the mental hospital and your life sucks because of that, but then all of a sudden Jennifer Lawrence wants your dong to be all up in her lady parts like 24/7? And you’re telling me you’re happy because of this? OF FUCKING COURSE YOU’RE HAPPY BECAUSE OF THIS. Besides that, Bradley Cooper wears a lot of E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES jerseys and him and J. Law dance and Chris Tucker is in the movie. Why wouldn’t you see this?

HITCHCOCK

What’s less than nothing? Because whatever that is, that’s how I would describe my desire to see this movie. Where the hell did this movie even come from? I heard about it like last Tuesday and never before that. You’ve got a bunch of pretty actresses dressed up in beehives and Anthony Hopkins trying to relax all the wrinkles in his face while being fat. Who the fuck cares? How absurd is it that a great director like Alfred Hitchcock would then later in his life have a shitty movie made about him? His movies will be infinitely better than this. In the reverse, Ed Wood made a whole bunch of terrible movies, but had an excellent movie made about him. Yeah, I hate Tim Burton, but he did make a few great movies in between his terrible movies. I’ll give him Ed Wood was great, Beetlejuice was great, Nightmare Before Christmas was very good, Sleepy Hollow was very good, and Batman was good. Nothing more than that in my opinion.

Back to Hitchcock… I won’t be seeing this unless it is reviewed as the greatest movie to ever be made ever and then maybe I’ll see it. More or less, it looks like an HBO movie and maybe even an NBC movie.

RUST AND BONE

This will probably be amazing.

First, Marion Cotillard. She is a mystical creature who is more beautiful in real life than in my head and that’s usually never the case.

Second, the film is by Jacques Audiard. That may not mean much to you unless I mention he was the director of “A Prophet”. Many watched and were blown away by said movie on Netflix and if you haven’t seen it … fucking see it. Also, Mr. Audiard directed a movie called “The Beat That My Heart Skipped” which shares a place in my heart next to “Fight Club” as a movie I will say is my favorite movie of all time. I am terrible at making lists and quantifying things that I like or any of that, but I am thoroughly comfortable in saying that “The Beat That My Heart Skipped” and “Fight Club” are my favorite movies. I love “Star Wars”, I love “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”, I love “The Royal Tenenbaums” and “Life Aquatic” and so on and so on and I could never imagine trying to say which is my second favorite or 8th favorite or any of that. But I do say “The Beat That My Heart Skipped” and “Fight Club” are my favorite movies… sometimes I throw “The Crow” out there as well… and I’m comfortable doing that.

Third, this is the movie’s plot…

Put in charge of his young son, Ali leaves Belgium for Antibes to live with his sister and her husband as a family. Ali’s bond with Stephanie, a killer whale trainer, grows deeper after Stephanie suffers a horrible accident.

What?! I want to see this movie.

KILLING THEM SOFTLY

Question: do you want to see Brad Pitt as a merciless mob hitman?

Answer: FUCK YES.

I’m seeing this movie too.

That’s November. More good than bad from what I can tell.

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2 Responses to “Happy November Movie Previews – Hollywood Tries For A Month – Part 3”

  1. Kim said

    I couldn’t agree with you more regarding Red Dawn. The ’80s movie was great — WOLVERINES!!! This will be another shitastic remake.
    Also, Hitchcock — exactly — I hadn’t even heard of this film before last week. WTF?
    I will see Life of Pi — because I’m curious as Hell — I didn’t know it was a beloved book either, and Silver Linings Playbook, because I live near Philly too and it’s making a bunch of Oscar hopeful lists.
    Thanks for the Previews!

  2. Firstly, thankyou for the movie recs which are marvellous. Secondly, re Rise of the Guardians, hadn’t heard anything about it before your blog, had a brief thrill of excitement that it would be a kids movie I might enjoy, before reading your dissing. Shame if it sucks, I love the concept of ensemble pieces – Avengers, American Gods, Watchmen, the book.
    Thirdly, have you seen Ruby Sparks? – it kept threatening lameness and then being sound, a very pleasurable outcome overall.

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