Working for the weekend…

November 30, 2012

Hola…

Sad as it may sound, but I’m looking forward to a trip to Costco this evening. I know I know, but all my delicious meats are pretty much done in my freezer and that’s depressing. I don’t know if this is just a local Costco thing or all of them, but they have the meatiest scallops in the history of scallops. It’s like they’re scallop beef tips or something. I like them. They’re sturdy like I could build a foundation off of them.

There’s no UFC until next week. Feels like forever. But from next weekend until the end of the month there are 4 UFC events, so I’ll be overflowing with caged fisticuffs, which makes me happy.

Also, need to start thinking of Christmas presents.

I think I’m a pretty good/great gift giver. I haven’t heard a lot of complaints over the years, but maybe they were just be nice. Who knows? I think my boringness is reaching another level in that I really can only think of presents involving things needed for the house and/or money. No gadgets or all that. This might be the first birthday since I was a small child that I can’t even muster up a videogame that I want. So sad.

But I did see Newark Mayor and internet superstar Cory Booker yesterday.

Again, that’s almost depressing that seeing a Mayor of Newark got me excited. He only walked by, but if he had stopped I would’ve fan-girled all over that man. I would have morphed into a young lady who has a penchant for Brits and feminine dudes and ran to him to snap a picture with him like he was One Direction. A mayor?! I know, but I do like Cory Booker a lot. Check out “Street Fight” if you’ve never seen it. It’s a great documentary about Booker’s first campaign for mayor of Newark against Sharpe James.

For a minute there, I thought Drew Brees was going to win the game last night and instead he threw 100 interceptions. It’s funny how life works like that. People keep saying that they’re unimpressed with the Falcons and then other people keep saying how can you not be impressed by the Falcons. I’m of the former. I think the Falcons are a well balanced team, but as good of a game that was for them – they also looked like they could’ve lost that game. I’m not sure exactly what is planned for next season, but I think people should watch the fuck out from the New Orleans Saints. If they’re problem is no Sean Payton and next year there is Sean Payton – they’re going to go out there looking for blood more than they ever did under Gregg Williams.

Also, I’m probably see “Killing Them Softly” this weekend. I’m excited to see it because of the director and at the same time I’m a little concerned that it is only 97 minutes. Maybe all he needs is 97 minutes and not that the studio made him edit whatever down to 97 minutes. Who knows. It’s apparently more guy driven than Lawrence of Arabia, which is interesting. In some ways, that might be ok. I’d rather a director/writer who isn’t comfortable writing for women try not to just because he/she feels like they have to. I suppose. At the same time, they should start getting comfortable writing for women because they’re so pretty and they make me happy all over my body. Dominick really hasn’t had too many women characters in his other two movies. I can’t think of a woman character in “Chopper” really and “The Assassination of Jesse James…” really only had Mary Louise Parker playing Pitt’s wife who isn’t in the movie all that much. So… maybe one day he’ll crack into writing for the XX’s. And in all honesty, most of Hollywood can’t write for women. Most of Hollywood can’t write too.

Steelers have a tough one on Sunday.

What’s happening with you?!

Advertisements

Hello, ladies and, possibly, some gentlemen…

I got drunk last night.

I know what you’re thinking, “you get drunk every night?” And I don’t, but I can see where your confusion stems from.

Last night, somewhere in the depths of Morristown, New Jersey a man purchased an unseemly amount of Dogfish Head beer and politely requested that both I and @_dharv as well as several others come over to his house and imbibe as much as we could to help him in his dilemma of having procured too much of a good thing. I know I gave as good of an attempt possible and drank much of his heavy, hoppy, malty, and sometimes oddly seasoned brews. Everything from beers with cocoa nibs in ’em to beers with fresh cilantro in ’em to beers with pinot noir in ’em to beers tasting of pumpkin or oatmeal or possibly beers that are of a 20% alcohol variety. It was a task we all took seriously. And we did quite a good job of relieving said man of his abundance of beers.

Today, I’m more or less just trolling the internet looking for something interesting to sink my teeth into.

The top prospects…

1. http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=97353 … An interview with Andrew Dominik who previously directed “Chopper” and “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Cowardly Robert Ford”, and his new movie “Killing Them Softly”, which is apparently based on a book I’ve never heard of. I’m looking forward to this movie – it comes out this week. Although I do like Brad Pitt a lot, I’m focused on this movie because of the director. I loved “The Assassination of Jesse James…” and I thought “Chopper” was good too. I’m curious what Dominik will do with this modern retelling of a gangster novel.

2. Il Volo… Did anyone watch NBC’s tree-lighting ceremony last night. It was in a word… AWFUL. I had the TV on to watch Brian Williams tell me about the world, and as it ended it immediately went into this abysmal musical display. It was a bunch of singers that I couldn’t care less for singing Christmas carols that I’m fine to never hear again. From the Alfred E. Newman looking Scott McCreery (sp?) to the zombie/undead Tony Bennett/Rod Stewart duo to the absurd Cee-Lo wearing a black full length fur coat with gold stripes. But the honor of the most ridiculous was “Il Volo” who are basically 3 Italian members of One Direction singing opera… and/or three Italian clones of the gay kid from Glee singing pop opera. However you want to understand it. This is what NBC chose to celebrate Christmas? FUCK YOU, NBC. I hate Christmas now. I hope you’re happy.

3. Brandon “Borderline” Marshall is a wide receiver for the Denver Broncos said yesterday that there are NFL players who use viagra as a performance enhancing drug on the field during play. It’s the greatest thing anyone has ever said about anyone else ever.

4. I bought another bottle of scotch yesterday. That is officially the end of me buying scotch for awhile. People should feel free to buy me scotch, but I will stop buying it for myself from now on. The most recent and final purchase of scotch for awhile was a bottle of Aberlour’s cask strength. It’s so delicious. It’s also 60% so it’s the Devil’s liquor.

5. Star Wars VII has been hogging up a lot of bandwidth already and none of it is too promising. They hired Matthew Vaughn supposedly to direct a script being written by a writing duo who have written some good stuff and some terrible stuff. Right now, with the hiring of Vaughn the high watermark possible is it being as good as X-Men First Class. That’s the best it will get, if it even reaches that. But it could be much much much much worse. Let’s hope for everyone’s sake that Vaughn doesn’t impregnate one of the actresses of this Star Wars movie and will get a better or just as good flick as the X-Men First Class. Honestly, that movie wasn’t that good – it had moments, but overall it was disappointing as all the X-Men movies are.

I think that’s all I’ve been thinking about.

What are you thinking about?

I’m more informed today!

I saw LINCOLN last night, so I’m a fucking history buff. Well, until that knowledge wears off and I start thinking about something else. Did you know Lincoln freed the slaves? WHAAAAT?! And Tommy Lee Jones helped a lot, as well as the Gail from Breaking Bad. It’s really something.

I did like Lincoln and as wordy as it was I thought it was interesting and kept my attention for the entire movie. I think my only problems with the movie was that the movie was entirely based on the 13th Amendment, so the climax is the passing of the 13th Amendment, which is fine, but that means the assassination is an afterthought and is shown to be in the movie. The movie wasn’t about the assassination and I realize that and just mentioned that, but that does provide an unsatisfactory ending in my opinion as far as what one would expect from a movie about Lincoln.

Second problem, they changed people’s names. A lot of people’s names. Their reasoning is that they don’t want to rub it in any more that their ancestors voted for slavery. Fuck that. What happened happened. Leave the names in there because that’s apart of history. You’re making a movie about how history was made then put the history in it. I didn’t like that. I also felt like that was even more bullshit considering they use real names in other places that are not the most flattering either. So, why not in this case? It’s stupid and wrong. It doesn’t change my opinion of the movie, more so Spielberg.

But I did like it a lot. It’s a movie that probably would have been best served to been made in the 50’s or early 60’s with black and white and the hokeyness of a Jimmy Stewart movie, but they did a great job with this. It’s a tough subject to make seem serious when we teach it to kids. I enjoyed it. Another one for Daniel Day-Lewis. Another one for Sally Field playing someone mentally unstable. And so on and so on.

Back to work with the previews…

ZERO DARK THIRTY

I kind of don’t want to see this.

Actually, I really don’t want to see it, but feel like I have to because of who directed it. I thought “The Hurt Locker” was a good movie or a really good movie and not too much beyond that. I don’t think it was “great” and I don’t think it deserved to win all the awards it did – some maybe, but best picture? Anyway, she’s back to make another Middle East war movie and this one is about the killing of Osama Bin Laden. First thing that really catches my eye in this movie is Jessica Chastain. Is there a Jessica Chastain in real life that did this? I have seen some news pieces and articles about the manhunt, but did it all come down to the red headed and young shoulders of a Jessica Chastain? Whether it is real or not in that case, it reminds of “Homeland”. How could it not? Just visually we have this thin, pretty, white chick making all the tough decisions to catch the greatest terrorist of them all. So, that makes me not want to see it. It makes me feel like this is a very trivial telling of this movie that it is pretty much a “Newsroom” version of Osama Bin Laden getting killed.

I immediately feel like a subject that is pretty near and dear or should be is going to be treated with a not so true to the story brush. I didn’t see Oliver Stone’s “World Trade Center” or Greengrass’ “United 93” for similar reasons. I think they rushed into making a movie about something that probably deserves a movie because of these peoples heroics and how high profile it was to all of us, but maybe they’re not going to do the best job on it because it’s more complex than just a movie and more complex movie than those directors are able to tell. Ms. Bigelow did a good job with “The Hurt Locker”, which was an isolated fictional story, which only concerned about 3 characters. Does that mean she should tackle this supposedly real story? I don’t know. Also, who cares I guess, but it just rubs me the wrong way.

JACK REACHER

Didn’t read the book. I know it is based off a book series and I know that the guy in the book is nothing like Tom Cruise. I would also like to add that the title is terrible. Who is Jack Reacher? I don’t know. From the trailer, it might as well be another “Mission: Impossible” movie that is more low tech than we’re used to. I don’t like these movies that are just names when those names don’t mean anything to us. I’m sure those books sell fine, but not fine enough that the viewing public knows who Jack Reacher is. On top of that, what is so special about the name Jack Reacher that anyone should remember it? John Carter? Why remember John Carter? John Carter of Mars? That’s something to remember. Originally, this was called “One Shot” which is what I assume the book was called. That’s also not a good title for a movie unless they really sold us on the sniper angle more than Tom Cruise being in it. Nevertheless, I’m seeing this.

Why? I’ve seen almost every Tom Cruise movie. The only one I can think of that I didn’t see is that “Lion for Lambs” nonsense that Robert Redford directed. Good Lord that looked like shit and was reviewed to be shit too. Tom Cruise running around with a gun? Sure, why not. Seen it two dozen times already, but I can do more. The real reason I want to see the movie is the screenplay writer and director is Christopher McQuarrie. I absolutely love the movie “The Way of the Gun”, which was Chris’ baby. He hasn’t directed another movie until this one and I’m thoroughly interested to see what he comes up with. Whether he’s true to the book or any of that, I don’t know, but I do want to see what McQuarrie has for only his second movie in 12 years.

ON THE ROAD

I haven’t watched it yet. If you have even a cursory knowledge of the internet then you should be able to procure yourself a copy. I scanned it for a few moments to see what the feel of the movie would be and to see what moments of the book they would highlight. I’m thoroughly unsold on Garret Hedlund in his casting as Moriarty. I assume I will forever be that way. I don’t think Hedlund is a particularly good actor. He’s passable, but he needed to be good/great for this. I do want to watch this movie and give it a good shot as the real thrust of my wanting to see this movie is the director Walter Salles. I am more comfortable with him as a director of this movie than most and I think in the end it will be good, but I’ll still be lamenting the decision with Hedlund. And there’s also…

KRISTEN STEWART’S NEKKID BOOBIES!!!!!!!!

There are those. I’ve seen those. It’s kind of difficult to be on the internet and not see them. Nevertheless, I have definitely seen them and them is wonderful. Thank you, Mr. Salles. I guess it’s a toss-up between casting a less than stellar, nothing special actor to play the role of a thoroughly beloved character who was a real person that was an integral part in American literature for nearly two decades … and … getting the Wantess of Want to show her nips a couple times for the world to see over and over and over again. I guess that’s toss-up.

THIS IS 40

Obviously, seeing it.

Not only is it a pseudo-sequel to “Knocked Up”, it kind of seems exactly like “Knocked Up”. There’s even the drugged up freak out scene in a hotel room. I think this should be funny in all the ways that Paul Rudd has been funny for the past several years. Paul has come into his own as a leading funny man in the past half decade and it has been quite enjoyable. I really like a lot of his movies. I really liked “Our Idiot Brother”, “I Love You, Man”, and “Role Models”. I’ve seen all three multiple times. Also, Leslie Mann is great and so is Judd Apatow. This couple was great in “Knocked Up” and at times were better than the main couple we were supposed to be so highly invested in. I think it will work as a funny movie, but also work as the Christmas holiday family movie with an R rating that it is being pitched as. It’s a solid concept and I’m looking forward to it.

DJANGO UNCHAINED

FUCK YEAH!

Between this and “The Dark Knight Rises”. There hasn’t been a movie that came out this year that matched how badly I wanted to see those two. The first lived up to and defeated its expectations and now this. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched QT’s movies. I’ve seen Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Kill Bill 1 and 2, and Inglorious Basterds dozens of times. Dozens. I can’t turn those movies off and they don’t get worse. They are brilliant movies. I’ve also rewatched his segment of “Four Rooms” dozens of times. The only blemish on his record is that “Death Proof” movie. I really wish he never made that movie because he’s batting a 1000 without that movie. There is absolutely no way this movie will be bad. The guy doesn’t really know how to make bad movies. It’s been 3 years since Basterds, which sounds like a lot because I’ve easily seen that movie over 20 times. It feels like just yesterday when that came out. I’m really looking forward to this movie. What QT has accomplished already with genre movies has been astounding. He took his love of samurai movies and made the best modern samurai movie (2 movies) one could make. He likes gangster movies so he makes the best gangster movies. He likes heist movies so he makes the best heist movie. He wants to make a 70’s style shoot ’em up World War 2 movie with balls and nails it. Now, he wants to make a Western mixed with blaxploitation? Is there any fucking doubt this will be tremendous? My only problem is that I set too high of a bar for Tarantino, but he’s surpassed it with everything but “Death Proof”, so why not. I expect a lot and he gives a lot in return.

CAN’T FUCKING WAIT! I don’t care about presents, just give me Django.

WEST OF MEMPHIS

I’ll end up seeing this.

I’ve seen documentaries about the West Memphis 3 for years. I’ve donated money to the West Memphis 3. I’ve listened and read and thought it was terrible what happened to them. And amazingly they were released. I’ll see this because I imagine it has footage of them being released and interviews with them afterward, which will be nice to see. Of course, if you don’t know about the West Memphis 3 then definitely do some research immediately and stop living in that cave you have been in for 2 decades.

LES MISERABLES

Ugh… Tom Hooper. I don’t like Tom Hooper as a director. Don’t know the guy personally, but at his chosen profession – I’m not a fan. The man behind “The King’s Speech” and “John Adams” HBO mini-series brings you this. I don’t want to see it because he made it. I’m not against musicals as I’ve seen many in my time and I like most of the actors in the movie, but I don’t like Tom Hooper. He seems to be up to his old tricks in the trailer and I’m just not a fan of how he believes he should tell a story. Either way, I imagine this will be a big success and be nominated for a bunch of awards and win them and I’ll be glad once again that I don’t watch these awards shows.

PARENTAL GUIDANCE

We’re still making this fucking garbage?

Who actually wants to see this?

Who has even heard of this?

Isn’t Billy Crystal so old and brittle that even trying to lift a child of any weight would cause his bones to shatter? All of his bones?

Where did they even get that headshot from him? That has to be a photoshopped head from “City Slickers”? Who even knew that Billy Crystal still made movies? I thought he just appeared on awards shows and Letterman from time to time. And the rest of this cast? Bette Midler and Marissa Tomei? Is Tom Everett Scott the guy from “Dead Man on Campus”? Good Lord! I feel like who ever directed this movie got the rights to do through blackmail. He had some damning emails on some Hollywood producer and now we have this movie.

Fucking terrible.

THERESE

This is the lovely Elizabeth Olsen. She’s in a movie called “Therese”, which has no trailer or movie poster that I can find. But there is a description for the movie…

In the film, set in the lower echelons of 1860s Paris, Thérèse Raquin (Elizabeth Olsen), a sexually repressed and beautiful young woman, is trapped in a loveless marriage to her sickly cousin, Camille (Tom Felton), by her domineering aunt, Madame Raquin (Jessica Lange). Therese spends her days confined behind the counter of a small shop and her evenings watching Madame play dominos with an eclectic group. After she meets her husband’s alluring friend, Laurent (Oscar Isaac), she embarks on an illicit affair that leads to tragic consequences.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

I fell asleep twice while reading those few sentences. My first question is “Camille” is a dude’s name? My second question, did this movie have a script? I imagine it’s a lot of Elizabeth in drab browns pretending to work with a mopy face at a bakery and then there are a bunch of shots of her running around the street of “Paris” with a big smile on her face in the Sun and then there are shots of her running around the streets with a big frown in the rain. There will also be a lot of hurried kissing sequences between her and “Laurent” where they smash faces more than kiss. Those kisses where they have their noses pressed hard against each others cheeks so that they snort like horses in between these passionate lip bumps.

I couldn’t be less interested in this movie. I’ll only see a second or two of it if Olsen gets naked and I’ll catch those clips on DailyMotion. But outside of that, you would really need to hold my family hostage to see Therese watching her Aunt play dominos. That sounds like fucking Hell.

That’s December!

And onto another year of existence that the Mayans were not prepared for. FUCK YOU, MAYANS!

SHALOM!

Well, well, well, well… It is that time of the month again where I take movie poster one sheets from one website, upload them to photobucket, copy and paste their html to this website, and give an entirely random opinion based on the movie without seeing it or really talking about what it is about. Fun? Always.

As November slides gracefully into the wall of snow that is December… or at least could be because it is currently snowing like a motherfucker outside. Like big meaty flakes. I could collect these flakes and then cut them with a fork and knife like a snow flake steak. I don’t usually look at the weather unless I’m going somewhere or planning something in particular, so waking up to snow might not have been a shock to some, but was a big shock to me. I could hear the cars outside driving around on the wet street sound, so when I opened the curtains – yes, I have curtains… I’m not a fucking savage like you think – and I saw these meaty white snow flakes I was shocked. We’ve already had snow this month, which seems quite foreboding for the following months.

Anyway… December has movies… movies that you probably don’t want to see.

Yep. Sadly, as good as November was for movies, we’re back to the old set-up of maybe one or two watchables mixed into a batter of bullshit. I really hope for everyone’s sake that movie theaters don’t push those good November movies out so quick so people can get a chance to see them in December instead of the dog shit they’re serving up for us.

Today, I’ll tackle the first half of the month, which is mostly bad. The best movie coming out this month is easily “Django: Unchained” on Christmas. That will be previewed in tomorrow’s post, but it will most likely just say something like GO SEE THIS FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING MOVIE, YOU FUCKS THAT I LOVE… or something similar.

Let’s tackle this nonsense…

HYDE PARK ON HUDSON

Ugh.

If you’ve seen this trailer and enjoyed it then you and I do not see eye to eye on what entertains our brains. The trailer to me is obscenely boring and also looks cheap. It looks like a BBC movie. By that I mean it’s a TV production company making a movie. TV looks cheap. TV looks like it is shot in the day light because they need to save money on lights and lighting crews and there are not many sets and not many actors and it just looks like it was filmed while a tour group was on the other side of the mansion. Also, I didn’t think “The King’s Speech” was interesting, so this sunny day nonsense of cigarettes in plastic holders and driving around in model T convertibles looks dreadful. I do love Bill Murray, but I’m not seeing this.

I think this is the third time Laura Linney has played something involving Roosevelt. Why? Does Laura Linney look like someone who would hang around FDR? Did he have a Laura Linney type? I wish I had more Laura Linney’s hanging around me. Especially, as I get older. I mean having a bunch of Laura Linneys around me now would be pretty cool. Really cool. But if I was some grumpy ass old man smoking cigs and wearing glasses and had a knit blanket over my geriatric legs then a bunch of Laura Linneys around me would be the greatest thing ever. Like Heaven. Not to say Laura Linney isn’t a welcoming person, but I doubt she hangs out with many of the described grumpy ass old men nor should she with her flaxen gold hair and her long alabaster white swan neck.

So, we should clone Laura Linney, right?

LAY THE FAVORITE

This looks horrendous.

I don’t remember what the plot of this movie is, but it has something to do with Rebecca Hall (yellow/orange square kind of looking like Aubrey Plaza) banging Bruce Willis (the guy who looks like her dad) and at the same time Catherine Zeta Jones (bottom left looking like Raquel Welch in her youth) banging Bruce Willis (also, looking like her dad). Now, the poster says Vince Vaughn is in it, which only further proves that Vince Vaughn hates people who like Vince Vaughn, but he’s not on the poster, so I doubt he’s in the movie much. Joshua Jackson is on the poster, which is reason enough to avoid this movie forever and ever unless you found yourself masturbating to Joshua Jackson all those many Moons ago when he lived by that Creek and/or joined the Skulls. I literally hated human beings and still do who told me the movie The Skulls was good. YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!

Anyway… there was a time and a place for watching Bruce Willis have sex with attractive women and that was 1985 to 1999. You had a good run, Bruce. But nowadays I would rather think of you as a gun toting eunuch.

PLAYING FOR KEEPS

IS THIS THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE OR WHAT?!

Seriously, if you think that movie studios have a good original idea in their fucking head then look at this damning example. Is this not the same fucking poster. The same fucking kind of title. And! The same fucking nonsense again. Seriously, look at the colors! IT’S THE EXACT FUCKING SAME FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING THING! I HATE HOLLYWOOD SO FUCKING MUCH! Seriously, people we’re being fucked over by people who think we’re idiots. Don’t see these movies. They’re not even trying anymore to hide their bullshit.

AND CATHERINE ZETA JONES IS IN BOTH OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate. I hate. I hate.

ANY DAY NOW

Judging by the poster, what would you guess this movie is about?

To start, the movie title in question is so dispensable and vague that who knows what the Hell it is referencing. The following sub text of “They made him a promise. He made them a family.” is also wildly vague and cannot help in narrowing down what this movie is about besides there is a “he” and there is a “they” in the movie. SWEET. So, my guess, Alan Cumming looks like either a Seigfried & Roy type magician, but more so a late 70’s/80’s rocker. My guess is that Alan plays a bi-sexual rock God who has fallen on hard times, and lands in like a halfway house kind of foster home and is raised by Garret Dillahunt’s suburban square family and they end up forming a bond and helping each other through struggles and get Alan back to the stage and rocking again. Kind of like “Get Him to the Greek”, but it’s supposed to be unfunny and it’s set in the 70’s.

Let’s see if I’m right…

Inspired by a true story from the late 1970s and touching on legal and social issues that are as relevant today as they were 35 years ago, “Any Day Now” is a powerful tale of love, acceptance and family. When a teenager with Down syndrome (Isaac Leyva) is abandoned by his mother, a gay couple (Alan Cumming and Garret Dillahunt) takes him in and becomes the loving family he’s never had. But when their unconventional living arrangement is discovered by authorities, the men are forced to fight a biased legal system to save the life of the child they have come to love as their own.

TOTALLY NAILED IT! What the fuck? So, where the fuck is the down syndrome kid on this poster? Where is anything that remotely looks like what the movie is talking about on this poster? The only thing that is for sure is the 70’s thing with Dillahunt’s suit and Alan’s hair. And it’s Alan, so they’re gay. That was obvious that at the very least he would tongue kiss a guy. So, this sounds depressing and not interesting. Would you rather see this movie or the movie I suggested?

THE HOBBIT

I’m equal parts excited and dreading seeing this movie. I have fond memories of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and would like to keep it that way. This is part 1 of 2 movies about the Hobbit with a third movie looming based on quasi notes for a possible Hobbit sequel. Originally, I would have said that the Lord of the Rings was the Hobbit’s sequel considering the Hobbit is the Lord of the Rings’ prequel. But what the fuck do I know? I’m really just hoping this isn’t like the Star Wars prequels. I think that’s what everyone fears. There have been bad press for this already with how it was filmed and the ultra sleek digital look it was going to have which people already said they hated. I’m not sure what to expect from this.

The Hobbit book is much better than the Lord of the Rings books in my opinion. Is there enough in the Hobbit to make two movies? Sure. But already we know that Peter Jackson’s version of that is not necessarily to be truthful to the books. We already know – and by “we” and “know” I mean people who seek this shit out on the internet – that Peter is telling his own version of the Hobbit as he did with the LotRs movies. So, I don’t know. While I can see why Jackson changed LotRs to be more action oriented for film, I thought the Hobbit had a lot of action in it and I thought it was much more succinct as opposed to the trilogy.

I’m seeing it, nonetheless. Bad reviews or good, it has to be seen because it is the only version we’ll most likely ever get. I’m going in with an open mind and slightly lowered expectations.

SAVE THE DATE

Uhhhh… can I scratch the Laura Linney plan and make clones of Alison Brie and Lizzy Caplan? Or maybe just Alison Brie? If I had to die and I had to pick how I die, I would want it to be an Alison Brie clone army that turns cannibal and subdues me in a horde and feeds on my flesh as I die in agony smelling the lavender shampoo in her hair. Can that happen? That would probably be a decent way to go.

I’m not into this movie. First off, it kind of just seems even more like masturbatory fantasy realization than most movies are. It’s like those Woody Allen/Scarlett Johansson movies. Two chicks you really want to see having sex or have sex with and then making a movie pretty much entirely about that. Also, the movie itself seems pretty underwhelming. It doesn’t look funny and doesn’t look like they’re trying to be funny. It’s a bunch of comedic actors trying to do an even more droll “500 Days of Summer” with not nearly as good of a director. The story is more or less that Lizzy Caplan wasn’t having sex and was waiting for marriage and at the same time had no intention of marrying the guy she was dating. He proposes to her and she says no and then immediately starts sleeping with some other guy to get it out of her system. While at the same time, Alison Brie has sex all the time with Martin Starr and on the surface they seem happy because of it, but really she’s sad. Does any of this sound interesting? Does any of this not sound like the masturbatory fantasy stuff I was saying before?

I’d expect something much better from this cast. Also, something much funnier and clever. The trailer looks very bland minus the shots of Lizzy Caplan in her underwear. It also has the film quality of just about what I’d expect from a first time director straight out of learning how to use their first digital camera.

About the only thing I really do like is the casting of Lizzy and Alison as sisters. That I get. I like that a lot. I think they could really be good as sisters in a movie that plays to their strong suit or lets them do more than what is shown in this trailer which looks like moping.

Anyway… Alison Brie army turns cannibal… that’s a movie…

THE GUILT TRIP

First off, I’m seeing this. Immediately. Seth Rogen plus Barbara Streisand is even more Jewy goodness than Alison Brie and Lizzy Caplan and even Martin Starr in the last movie. Plus this movie looks like it could be funny. I like the concept in general of pairing of Rogen and Streisand and I bet that’s what the movie originally was. Get those two on screen together as son and mom. That’s it. That’s really enough. The rest of the movie sounds like it could be good as Seth is trying to get his mom back with her old flame. If I was making this movie, there would be multiple flames as Babs had multiple flames in real life. And KRIS KRISTOFFERSON would be in it. He’s be in a ton of it. And Seth would catch Babs and Kris banging at some point. It would be amazing. It would be more or less that Seth doesn’t know how wild his mom was and it just keeps getting nuttier and nuttier about her ex’s that he keeps trying to track down giving him a new appreciation for how nuts his mom is and how much she changed to raise him as well as she did. And Kris Kristofferson. Did you know he was a helicopter pilot? Did you know he was a drunk helicopter pilot who survived a helicopter crash that he was at fault for?!

The rest of the movies… Part B tomorrow…

Jews.

WHAT. UP!

Football talk

+

This… go hand in hand.

I was requested in the comments section to give drop some football knowledge and it doesn’t take much nipple twisting for me to oblige.

The first thing you have to know about what is going on in football right now is…

WE HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!

For weeks upon weeks upon weeks, there will be ideas. There will be concrete ideas like we know who is going to win in the NFC and we don’t have a clue in the AFC. Nowadays, it is almost seems like the opposite and at the same time neither has any clue what the other is doing. With the conclusion of tonight’s meaningless game between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Carolina Panthers, the NFL season will have finished 12 weeks of a 17 week season. Only 5 games left before the playoffs and there are still so many questions to be asked and answered. It’s maddening, but it’s also what I think keeps the spirit of the season alive for all 17 weeks.

So let’s talk about each of the divisions and try to make some sense of them if there is any sense to be made…

Let’s start in the AFC and work our way clockwise from the North to East to South to West. Sound good?

AFC NORTH

My Pittsburgh Steelers. My beautiful and beloved Pittsburgh Steelers. Yesterday, the Steelers lost to the Cleveland Browns, which is a kick to the fucking nuts. The Black and Gold were without Ben Roethlisberger for the second game and for the second game they lost. Also, both games were completely winnable. What is angering about what happened this week and last week with the Steelers is that they’re defense with all its injuries is playing great. The Browns won yesterday’s game off of the Steelers’ 8 turnovers. A team cannot commit 8 turnovers and expect to win a game. With 8 turnovers, the Steelers lost by a touchdown and had chances to win the game a couple times in the second half, but kept turning the ball over. With all their injuries, the Steelers are still a very tough team with a lot of talent, but they’ve committed a lot of mental mistakes this year – now with turnovers and before with penalties – which have cost them games. Supposedly, Ben is coming back this week, but who knows how good of an idea that is against the Ravens. Either way, the Steelers are at 6-5 and would need to win at least 4 of the next 5 games to really make a run at a wildcard spot in the playoffs. It is doable, but not easy.

The Ravens are clearly winning this division at 9-2. The Ravens’ D has not been anywhere near the vaunted Ravens’ D of old, but their offense has improved greatly. The connection between Joe Flacco and Torrey Smith has become quite dangerous and Ray Rice continues to play at the highest level despite anything else going on. The Ravens have played some subpar games, but have walked out the winners at the end, which is seemingly a sign of maturity, but can also be seen as a sign of the team not being particularly strong that the games come down to the wire on them. They have a lot of injuries just like everyone else, but they have yet to lose a game because of them.

The Bengals at 6-5 are fighting with the Steelers for a wild card spot. The Bengals are in the same position they were in last year as being a team that shows a lot of promise to take themselves to the next level, but we’ll wait and see if they can actually do it. The Browns are 3-8 and are really trying to understand themselves like they’re going through puberty. No matter what happens this season, we all know that there is turnover happening next season in their office and most likely their coaches and so forth. They’ve made some strides this season even though their record doesn’t reflect it. Their #1 pick last year Trent Richardson has been an excellent one this season.

AFC EAST

Surprise, surprise – the New England Patriots are going to win this division. At 8-3, they’ve clearly got this under wraps. They’re still a great team, but not as strong in other years due to injuries. Gronk broke his arm and he’s out for at least a month. The rest of the guys are filling in and they can still crush teams. Their defense is still hit or miss. The big addition this year has been a bit more thump on defense and a decent running game. But their keys to victory are still Brady’s arm and Belicheck’s brain.

I don’t see a wildcard coming out of the rest of this division. The Dolphins had a big win this week while the Jets got slaughtered and the Bills lost too. The Dolphins have made some positive moves and some negative ones, but I think overall for the Dolphins this will ultimately be a positive year even if it wasn’t as positive in the regard towards a record or playoffs. Tannehill is a rookie and appears to be a good one at that, their defense has been formidable at times, and Reggie Bush has been a stable contributor pretty much all year. The Dolphins lost a couple games they shouldn’t have and if they didn’t then they would be in the playoffs most likely, but they did and now they’re not.

The Jets suck. At the same time, the Jets have 5 weeks left to ends this season with a decent record. Sadly, I think this might happen. The Jets do not have a tough schedule the rest of the season and I have a feeling they will end up pulling themselves to 7-9 or even 8-8, which is so infuriating because if you watch them play they are a 4-12 type of team. They look horrible out there, but somehow they pull a win out of their ass. I don’t understand it. It’s fucking magic. The Jets have a lot of REAL problems and a 7-9 or 8-8 season won’t make them truly address those problems. It has been an awful season for them, but if they end up being 7-9 or 8-8 people will still rationalize it as being not that bad.

http://sports.yahoo.com/news/nfl–jets-hit-new-low-as-superfan–fireman-ed–quits-his-beloved-team-for-season-030828017.html

Honestly, as a Jets hater, this has been the best season ever for the Jets. But objectively, the team needs to fire Mike Tannenbaum and not listen to a word the owner has to say to start. Then they need to fire the offensive coach they just hired and put together an offense that isn’t a slap in the face to the rest of the league.

Bills? Who knows. They need a new head coach for sure. They’re not going to the playoffs for sure. Not the worst team in the league, but no where near the best.

AFC SOUTH

The Texans are 10-1 and win this division. The Texans’ defense generally speaking is great and generally speaking so is their running game. The past couple games the Texans’ D was disastrous and they had to rely on Matt Schaub and their passing attack. The Texans are definitely beatable in a high scoring game with passing. They’re much tougher when it is a D heavy game with a lot of running because Arian Foster is one of the best in awhile and they have solid backup running backs too. Winning games, taking names.

What a story this Colts team is. At 7-4 they’re the front runner for a wildcard spot in the playoffs. They have to play the Texans 2x in the final 5 games, which will be extremely tough and at the same time who knows how hard the Texans will try in that second meeting. Either way, the Colts have put together an unexpected season and will most likely make the playoffs, which is incredible. They’re not a particularly strong team as their 4 losses have been whoopings. They lost to the Jags who SUCK and those Jags were lead by Blaine Gabbert, so they REALLY SUCKED. The Colts are making improvements. They need some running backs and they need to overhaul that defense, but they’re going to make the playoffs most likely.

Titans and Jags suck. Both teams should expect new coaches next year. The owner of the Titans Bud Adams issued a statement a couple weeks ago that everyone is currently playing for their job because he is probably going to fire everyone. The Jags won and clearly have gotten over this Gabbert bullshit, but they still suck and need almost everything you can think of to get better.

AFC WEST

The Lord as my witness… PEYTON MANNING!

I know that Peyton Manning has won a million MVP awards already in the NFL and I’m not sure if they’re all “deserved”, but I’d put my money on him being the MVP this season. Denver is 8-3 and really the only difference between last year and this year is Peyton. Fucking old as dirt and genetically modified overseas Peyton Manning. He is playing lights out football and with him at the helm it really shows how incredible of a QB he is and that he can take just about any team and make them something. Obviously, Denver was good last year too. So he took a playoff team with a win in the playoffs – Thank you, Tebow – and turned them into an even better looking playoff caliber team. We’ll see what happens in the playoffs, but he’s winning this division and they look poised for a run at the whole thing.

The rest of this division is fucking human garbage and all should expect big changes in the offseason. The Chargers?! How many more fucking years are we going to see fucking worthless fuck Norv Turner as a head coach? Huh? It’s insulting to everyone. He’s got to be gone. The lame duck head coach in Oakland certainly didn’t work out. Fuck Al Davis’ sniveling piece of shit son for installing that worthless coach over Hue Jackson. And thirdly, the Chiefs?! Get Romeo the fuck out of there. Do one of these teams actually want to be taken seriously anymore? Fucking disgusting. Fire everyone, fire yourselves.

Now across the aisle… the NFC.

NFC NORTH

Jay Cutler showed back up just in time. Much like the Steelers, the Bears are a tough team to beat when they’ve got their starting QB in, but when he’s gone it’s a free-for-all. Cutler like Big Ben are great QBs and even more so they’re great QBs that don’t show up on the stat sheets sometimes because they make plays possibly only they can make. I’ve really enjoyed watching both Big Ben and Cutler play this year. Both QBs have played for very suspect offensive lines. With Cutler, his O-line isn’t good, but he’s done a lot of savvy stuff like taking it upon himself to scramble more and run more to help his O-line out when they’re are not helping him out. The Bears defense is playing amazing when they’re playing with confidence. Having Cutler out there inspires them. With a healthy Cutler, this team is a tough one, but if he gets rocked again then they’re fucked. Chicago is a game up and has an easy rest of the year, so I think they’ll win this division, but the Packers will also make the playoffs I think as a wildcard.

The Packers are not a team to overlook because of some of their losses. They’re the only team this year that has beaten the Texans and they FUCKING STOMPED the Texans. The Packers have a lot of injuries and their defense isn’t worth a damn and their O-line is crumbling, but they’ve got easily one of the best if not the best QB playing right now chucking the ball still. Every game is a possible 4 touchdown game for Rogers and that’s just how it is. They’re not as strong as they were the past two years, but they’re still fucking good.

The Vikings? No idea. They show up and win and they show up and get whooped too. I don’t really understand that team. They’re just not as good as we want and at the same time they’re not bad enough to be written off. There is a lot of talent on the team, but the team doesn’t always work together and it usually takes a remarkable game out of someone to pull the team through. They have absolutely zero consistency. You have no idea what you’re going to get out of them week to week in any area.

The Lions? First thing first, you were effected by the Madden Curse. I can tell you one thing in this world that is definitively true and that is the Madden Curse. I also think that the Lions did not get better from last year to this year, which means they got worse. Your team has to improve. The Lions’ are the same team they were last year and even the year before that. Their defense is mean, but not always good. Their offense has spark, but not always good. Stafford can chuck it to Calvin Johnson unless teams get to Stafford first or double/triple Calvin. And the Lions have no running game like the past couple years as well. Teams need to make a step forward and not remain the same year to year and hope for a better ending. Sure you lost some close ones last year and if one thing changed in those games you would’ve won, but this year you need to be better to win those games and not just lucky. At the same time, the Lions did get screwed on Thanksgiving. The Lions have been in some shootouts, but shootouts show that their defense is letting up a lot – your secondary is terrible. Lions are still a young team after hitting bottom only a few years ago. And I think they got complacent.

NFC EAST

Same story, different year. The Giants have a rough schedule, but they should win this division again. The Giants are never that 13-3, 14-2 type of team. 10 wins is a lot of wins and they know it and they know that 10 wins should mean a spot in the playoffs. Once they’re in the playoffs, it is taking it one game at a time. The Giants gave up a chunk of games recently, but there is still a chunk left. They’re team is still as good and in some areas better than last year. I think they’ve improved in their running game, their passing game might not be as sexy as it was last year, but I think it can be more consistent with Eli having more viable targets. Their defense is still good/great. Their front 4 are beasts, their next 3 I think have stepped it up a bit this year, and their back 4 I think are playing better as well as they are starting to understand each other more. Giants are still a super bowl winning team and have a good chance at defending their championship.

The Cowboys? There is a mentality problem in Dallas. There’s just something wrong in the water or something, but that team loves winning games they shouldn’t and losing games they shouldn’t. It’s unbelievable. I don’t see them making the playoffs. I also think that Jason Garrett could get fired depending on the next few games. I don’t think the Cowboys make the playoffs.

The Redskins? Although the team won’t make the playoffs, they’re clearly a better team than they were. They have an offense now. A real threat of an offense. It’s an offense they can improve on and maybe just maybe they’ll make the right improvements. I think they’re a team that could be wild card ready next year.

The Eagles are the greatest waste of talent in the history of the NFL. The Jets are a bad team filled with questionable talent, but the Eagles are filled to the brim with talent and they suck. If the Eagles don’t fire Andy Reid and everyone attached to him at the end of the season then they don’t care about being good again. The Eagles spent money and paid for a brand new team in the past couple years with great players, but they cannot play together to win consistently. And at the same time, the one problem that team has which has only gotten worse over the past 3 year is really the first thing they need to address – their offensive line. They have absolutely the worst O-line in the history of the NFL. They are shameful to watch. If they don’t correct that then they’ll never amount to anything.

NFC SOUTH

The Falcons are 10-1? Great. Good for them, but if they get raped in the playoffs by the Giants like last year then who cares. That’s what the fans are thinking, that’s what analysts are thinking, that’s what the owner Arthur Blank is thinking. The Falcons are 10-1 this year which is great, but they were a top team last year too. This year they are even more “top”, but everyone is waiting around to see what they do in January. If they don’t win a game in January, as cynical as it sounds, they did shit this year. You don’t get a trophy for going 16-0 or 15-1. You get one for winning the Super Bowl and that’s what the Falcons have to do or at least get there.

First, let’s talk the Panthers. They suck. Their defense is absolutely terrible and their offense is ok. They’ve got a lot of leadership problems and really need a change. I know it is early to change their new coach, but it doesn’t seem like he’s doing shit. They need someone to coach and draft for that defense and give Cam Newton a couple of targets to throw to or hand the ball off to who aren’t a year off from retirement.

As for the Bucs, WOW. I wasn’t expecting this. The team is a lot better than it was last year. I don’t know how long Schiano can keep this going for and I think this upcoming draft will be very telling, but there is a bright future in Tampa. They’re 6-5 and have show worlds of promise. Bucs fans should enjoy this season with its ups and downs, but be looking even more forward to next year when Schiano has an offseason and a draft to play with.

The Saints? Terrible and OK at the same time. They’re still super dangerous and teams shouldn’t take them lightly, but obviously they’ve lost a lot of luster this year. They’re certainly weaker without Sean Payton, but they have the tools to beat most teams. They’re not making the playoffs this year, but if Payton is back next year – expect them to be back next year.

NFC WEST

The 49ers are for real. They went to the NFC championship last year and look like they’ll go again this year. Whether it is Colin “Prince of Persia” Kaepernick or Alex “No One Really Likes Likes Me” Smith as QB, they’re a great team coached up by a wild ass great coach in Jim Harbaugh. Their defense is mean and fucking good. They’re big loss this year was against the Giants and that was the big loss last year which cost them the Super Bowl. We’ll see if they can revenge that in the playoffs. They’re still one of the NFC leaders and are the big threat to the teams going to the playoffs with the Giants.

The Seahawks win at home and lose on the road. End of story. They’ve made some improvements this year, and at the same time supposedly their two cornerbacks are getting popped for performance enhancing drugs. Not good. If every game was played in Seattle then Seattle would win, but it isn’t so they’re still a questionable team.

The Rams have made strives this year under their new coach Jeff Fischer. They’ve got no shot at the playoffs or anything like that as they too are mostly at best a good home team, but I expect Jeff will make this team a lot more viable of a possible wildcard team in a couple years. They have some pieces, but they’re at a loss with others. A few drafts could fix that.

The Cardinals started this season so strong to everyone’s surprise and then completely imploded right afterward. I feel bad for that team because they’ve obviously got some things right and obviously got a whole lot wrong. Another season searching for a QB while racking up losses.

In the end, unless more catastrophic injuries occur, we have our division leaders set in both the NFC and AFC…

AFC – Patriots, Ravens, Texans, and Broncos

NFC – Giants, Bears, Falcons, 49ers

The Bears/Giants are the two that are slightly worrisome, but I think they’ll hold out and win them.

As for wildcards…

AFC – Obviously, I’m hoping for the Steelers. I think the Colts will make it as well with some help from the Texans. I think the Texans will rest their starters in the final game, which will get the Colts a win.

NFC – Packers. And… I don’t know. Bucs? Vikings? Do the Redskins get hot? I don’t know.

That’s what I got… football!

Whaaaaaaaaaat?! And by “bitch” I mean “beautiful, intelligent, tight, coochie havers”.

Hmmmm… that started good and ended GREAT.

SATURDAY

@_dharv and I woke up pretty exhausted. We also got a note the night before that our 12 hour tour scheduled for that day was being pushed back to Sunday. So, we had a day of possibilities planned. The first possibility we grasped with are two hands each WAS more sleep. On the weekends the hotel has a “brunch” option from 11am – 2pm. We exercised that option with vigor.

After some food, we called and got ourselves involved in a bus ride out to the Blue Lagoon. Sulfur springs or hot springs or what have you, it’s a large geothermal pool filled with grey water created by boiled seaweed water filtered through lava. You get to the place and you’re given a bracelet with a microchip in it and you’re separated by genders. Once in your respective locker room, YOU SEE A MILLION NAKED PEOPLE. On the guys’ side of things, so much man ass and dude’s dongs.

Iceland, as one would expect, wants to keep their natural settings “natural”. So you’re taking into more or less a public gym locker room where you need to shower before you go into the Blue Lagoon and after. So, as with any public gym locker room – everyone is naked and in no rush to be clothed. Also, it’s a European public gym locker room and Europeans love to be naked. It’s like after years upon years of civilization and clothes they’ve returned to the beginning where hairiness and nekkidness go hand in hand.

Either way, I didn’t shower on my way into the Blue Lagoon. I probably broke a law or two by doing that. I probably broke a law or two taking one of the lava rocks from there out of there and back to America, but what the Hell do I care. FUCK YOU, COPPERS! … Actually, the non-showering before going in was due to ignorance and me keeping my eyes focused on the exit doors instead of my surroundings and noticing the signs that said I had to shower first. The rock stealing was from me being an O.G. rock stealing motherfucker who also took a lava rock from the coast of Oregon. Suck on that, Oregon Parks Department!

Once outside the locker room, you can stay inside and go to a sauna or sit in the indoor pool, but why the fuck would you do either of those things when 20 feet away is the BLUE LAGOON! So in your bathing suit, you open the door to the Icelandic free-for-all. While the people who work at the Blue Lagoon walk around in glacier like hiking gear jackets, pants, boots, hats, goggles, and gloves… again, you are wearing a bathing suit, nothing else, and walking on wet wood. It’s a thrilling series of seconds being in that temperature. It’s what I imagine those polar bear plunge people feel like before they jump into something even more terrifyingly cold, but in this scenario at the Blue Lagoon – it’s wonderfully warm.

The “lagoon” itself is between 98 and 102 degrees so it is just one long and wide hot tub. It’s shallow too, so you kind of crab walk around. It was absolutely incredible. With your head out of the water, the frigid winds whip over the water, and your body is toasty warm underneath the water. To be perfectly comfortable in this warm grey water while arctic blasts of white smoky wind careens through you and over you and you’re surrounded by snow covered peaks of frozen lava hills. It was quite memorable.

As for the microchip bracelet, well naturally, that is for the swim up bar in the Blue Lagoon. Beer, wine, and ice cream are available as you tread water and soak in the ambiance. We did have a beer – a Gull, which is kind of like a cheaper Icelandic Yuengling.

The other thing that you can get yourself involved in is the mud. The mud is silica mud. It’s white globs of mud that are in troughs scattered about on the edges of the swimming area. Since the mud is kept outside of the pool, IT IS FREEZING. Then you’re supposed to rub it on your face and make a mask out of it and leave it for 5-10 minutes, maybe longer. First, you look like you got money shotted by an elephant. Second, freezing cold liquid applied to your face while freezing cold winds whip around you is a scary mixture. My face was numb within nano-seconds. Thankfully, I had some sense and didn’t get as liberal with my mud mask as @_dharv did. She looked like she stuck her face in a vat of Elmer’s glue. But she did think her skin felt amazing afterward, so Iceland wasn’t lying.

Afterward, it is back to the showers. I can’t tell you the last time I took a shower with no stall or anything and was just naked taking a shower with other men doing the same. Oh wait, I can’t tell you because I’ve never done that before. SURPRISE! There’s been no need for me to ever do that ever in my life before. Years of football, lacrosse, and countless other sports and never had to do that once. But 36 hours into Iceland – naked with other dudes rubbing body gel onto our butts. Ridiculous.

That night, we ate dinner at a place called The Pearl, which is a revolving restaurant. You eat in a dome that spins ever so slightly, so that every 2 hours you do a complete revolution and see all of Reykjavik. It was quite an experience too. The dinner was a Christmas Buffet, which hilariously served reindeer as an entree. And the reindeer was magnificent. I didn’t think reindeer would be bad meat, but I didn’t expect to love it. How the hell do I get reindeer meat in New Jersey?! We did get a mini-wine tasting in as well.

It was an interesting place with great people watching opportunities. There were quite a few dopplegangers at this restaurant. The first was a waitress who looked nearly identical to a former commenter, possible current lurker on this site MLF. The second and third were sitting at the table closest to us – Iceland’s Snooki and Meghan McCain. The Iceland Meghan McCain looked identical to the North American Meghan McCain. The Icelandic Snooki was more or less an approximation with how she dressed, kept her hair, and her guido muscly boyfriend who was wearing a dress shirt, but it was so tight you could see his star back tattoo easily through the shirt. There was also a great moment near the end of the night when one of their friends who was at the same restaurant, but not sitting with them came over and there was the amazing cross-continental awkwardness of the uninvited friend and her boyfriend that the other girls boyfriends don’t like. Our cultures are so different and so much the same around the world. Lastly, there was some girl wearing the shorttest, body hugging dress ever and she looked a blonder Dana (the daughter) from Homeland.

SUNDAY

We woke up, we ate, we put on many layers of clothes including long johns, and we got on a 12 hour bus ride to the middle of nowhere to hike a glacier and per chance see some Northern Lights. The bus ride to our festivities was fucking FOREVER. It was 2+ hours into the expanse of “uncharted” Iceland scenery. Our tour guide talked most of the way there telling us about what we were seeing and about Iceland in general. We learned many “facts” about Iceland. I’m guessing most of what she said was true, but she also sounded drunk, so who knows.

What we learned: Iceland is running on nearly 99% renewable energy, their water is the purest in the world, the Icelandic pony is a mutt, they eat the bad ponies, the good ones grow fur in the winter and are allowed to run wild from October to January, their farming is super high tech and at the same time doesn’t hurt the environment, they make a lot of dairy products, Iceland makes aluminum, they came to existence a little before 1000AD, but became Christian in 1000AD, their bloodline is a mix of Norwegian viking men and the hottest Irish women those viking men stole and brought over, they were founded by two Norwegians which one was a lover and the other a fighter, and there are hot springs just erupting from the Earth all over… and some other stuff I suppose.

Finally, we got to the glacier. So they call Iceland the land of fire and ice. It is pretty much Hawaii if you froze Hawaii. There are volcanoes that have spread lava everywhere that has cooled and then all the snow and ice have formed over top of it. The glaciers are the frozen water sitting on top of the caldera volcanoes. So, that’s what we were hiking around on. They gave us cramp ons (slippers with spikes) for our shoes and a ice pick/axe for our hands and they sent us out onto the glacier walking single file with a bunch of other ill-prepared people led by the quasi drunk tour guide.

No one got hurt, but there was a very real possibility at all times that someone could. That was terrifying and hilarious. Our guide, she would tell us to walk like this, kick your spikes into the ice, check for solid ground with pick/axe, keep your weight above your feet, try to walk where others already have et cetera, but the reality was if you fell you were fucked. If someone actually fell onto these slopes of ice, they would inevitably go straight into one of the holes we were deliberately walking around to avoid. Those holes? Where do they go? WHO KNOWS? Center of the Earth, maybe. The holes could be 10 feet deep or 100. And, that’s what she said, they can be tight and you can easily get stuck and hurt yourself or die from the fall – who knows. But no one did fall or even slip and we were all fine.

It was absolutely breathtakingly beautiful despite the looming danger. It would have to be right? You’ve seen Batman Begins. You’ve seen Christian Bale ninja fighting Liam Neeson on that sheet of ice and those mountains. That’s what it is. And we weren’t walking on the flat ice as more the hills with the sloping sheets of ice. Definitely an interesting and unforgettable experience.

This was followed by a short drive to a small farm where we watched a short volcano documentary. Followed by a short drive to an even smaller farm where we ate lamb stew and watched an even shorter documentary/powerpoint presentation on an Icelandic woman named Ann who traveled the world and wrote books about it in the 50’s and 60’s and is a local national hero. I also tried an Icelandic drink there called Brennivin, which is translated to “black death”. It’s schnapps for people who want to get fucked up and don’t care about taste.

After that it was time to hunt for some Northern Lights. The conditions to see Northern Lights are clear and cold and we had both of those checked. We drove around I suppose aimlessly looking at the night’s sky until someone spotted something and we pulled over on some random road around 10-11pm. We got out and at first you could see some lights, but more so you could see where the lights should be if they were really shining.

From the naked eye, the Northern Lights are white. Through a camera’s lens, they appear to be mostly green then violet and red. Everyone ran out of the bus with cameras taking pictures into the frozen night. You need a really good camera to get really good pictures of the Northern Lights. You have to futz with the manual settings and specifically need to have a camera that has a long exposure setting like 8 to 30 seconds and probably a tripod so you can let your camera work for those period of times uninterrupted. People were snapping away and some were getting something and others nothing. It was a little at first, but after 10 minutes or so the lights really began to shine.

It was a performance. The lights glow hot in one area and recede in another and then they switch. The lights will stretch and contrast across the sky and they’ll dance and move and run and form shapes and leave trails. With your eyes, it looks like smoke. It looks like smoke that is emitting from the black void and is illuminated by Lord knows what. On the camera, the green lights looks like the ghost army from Lord of the Rings Return of the King and/or Voldemort’s death eaters. It’s wild looking at something and then taking a picture of it and it looking 100% different.

Danielle’s camera could pick up the green, but others with their “you fancy, huh?” cameras could pick up other colors of the spectrum. We’re supposedly on an email chain to share such pictures. Hopefully, we get to see them. From the sounds of some of the people taking the pictures, these pictures will make you jizz … instantly. INSTA-JIZZ!

We also stopped at a few waterfalls on the way back which were also breathtaking. I think the only waterfall I’ve really ever been to was Niagra Falls. It’s impressive obviously, but it is a production and a half to go to. Not that flying to Iceland isn’t a production, but the waterfalls itself while so much smaller than Niagra, you can walk right up to it. They were 180 feet high and cascading down ice walls and you could walk right up to it like it was nothing. Very cool.

Finally got back at past midnight and crashed.

MONDAY

Woke up, packed, showered et cetera. We took a cab down to the harbor to get some seafood. Iceland is a fishing nation and we spent three days there without really eating any seafood. We were going to rectify that. Down by the harbor they have “blue houses” which are some restaurants and tourist shops in one story blue buildings that are one of the places everyone is supposed to go. We went to the Sea Baron’s restaurant, which is the most famous of them as it has been reviewed and favorably by the New York Times.

First thing first, I ordered two of their famous lobster soup, but I had to ask if they had any shark. And they did. The shark is “fermented shark”. I’ve talked about this before and copy and pasted Renzo Gracie’s story about eating this “delicacy”. For a refresher, a shark dies and the Icelanders dig an ice burial ground for it and throw the shark in. Here’s where the story takes a turn – they pee on it. The Icelanders pee on the shark to “preserve” it and then cover the shark in the snow and ice. If that’s not bad enough, they leave it like that for 6 months. Then they dig up what has got to be the worst smell in the history of working noses. Fermented shark, rotten shark, piss shark… call what you like.

I wasn’t so sure before I flew to Iceland and even in all the moments leading up that moment whether or not I was going to try shark willingly that I knew was both rotten and soaked in some human(s) piss. Well, once the woman said she had it, I immediately said I’ll have some. No idea, why, but that happened. She looked disgusted by the way. She brought out a tupperware of white fishy cubes and a tooth pick. You just spear a cube like you’re taking a shot of some awful liquid and it’s time to snack. The woman did say not to smell it, but I told her I had to – and it was everything people before me have said – it smelled awful.

Once in the mouth being chewed by my teeth and being licked by my tongue, it tasted bad. Could I tell that it had been soaked in piss? Not really, no. It did taste like rotten fish though. It was rubbery and chewy and more or less like a tough piece of sushi… but rotten. But tasting like it has spoiled a long time ago and there’s no reason that you’re eating it now because why on Earth would this be legitimately healthy or good for you. Add to that, this was the first thing that I ate that day. Wonderful. As I said to others, I never had “eat fermented shark” on my bucket list, but I can cross it off regardless.

The lobster soup was excellent and much needed after the shark.

We had an hour plus to kill before heading to the airport, so I looked over the rest of the menu and decided to try something else that I won’t be ordering anytime soon in New Jersey. This time it was whale. It’s perfectly legal to eat whale over there. As well as, puffin. I didn’t eat puffin – mostly because Danielle would’ve cried the entire time. But whale? I ate whale. It looks like beef. It looks exactly like beef. It’s consistency is beefy too, but the taste is fishy. So, fishy beef. It wasn’t bad. Danielle didn’t like it, which meant that now I had a ton of whale to eat. Too much. It came with a peanut sauce, which worked well, but I should’ve asked for hot sauce because that would’ve cut back on the extreme fishiness of the taste. Either way, it was not what I expected and it was pretty good.

For the rest of the day, I was burping up whale. Or piss shark. Who knows. The fishiness of all that whale, the shark, and the lobster never left me for the rest of Monday. It wasn’t until yesterday morning that I didn’t feel like I had that stuff in me anymore… well, truthfully I didn’t anymore.

CONCLUSION

Go to Iceland.

It’s fucking beautiful over there. There are some great restaurants and the sights are fucking absurd. There are plenty of other things that we didn’t do like puffin tours, whale watching tours, Icelandic pony ride tours, lava field tours, and so on and so on. There are tons of nature out there to be lusted after and Reykjavik is a city filled with all the restaurants and bars one would need.

I enjoyed the hell out of that place.

Takk fyrir, Iceland … Thank you, Iceland

%d bloggers like this: