My Weekend Told Through Kristen Stewart Faces
November 5, 2012
Hello there, readers.
I’m side-eyeing you, devilish women and wolf-in-sheep’s clothing men.
You people. I don’t even know if I should think of an adjective to describe the feelings I have.
Kristen, can you help me out?
I want you, all.
I want to taste your labored sweat and smell the musk from your private parts.
What?! Kristen! That’s not what I meant.
I’m happy to see you all!
Yes, that works. Thanks for the help, Kristen. I was trying to do the old switcheroo and make it seem like I wasn’t happy to see you, but then I really was. It’s a classic gag that everyone loves. Even Republicans like it. But Kristen went all creep mode. Went all, I’ve had too many gin drinks and I’m either going to bone you good or bone you bad by throwing up all over your car before we get to my apartment.
I am happy to be back.
I am back on the couch in front of the TV watching ESPN and I’m using the internet and I drank coffee I made and by made I mean put water and coffee into the coffee pot and it made it and I bought that coffee at a store and didn’t pick them in some coffee patch I’ve been growing in my backyard. Nevertheless, it is my coffee!
It’s nice to be back into the routine of wearing my house shoes, wearing my sweat pants, wearing my sweatshirt, and wearing that tiara I only wear when no one else is around to make me feel like the specialist princess that I am and gives me the confidence to go about my day because I know I’m royalty and just interacting with commoners to make them feel better like my life is “Undercover Boss”, but a part of an established monarchy. Let’s just say, it’s cheaper in the long run than Zoloft. Sure the tiara was a lot up front, but it’s a one time purchase. And Zoloft has side effects like your dong being limp, which is a debbie downer.
Saturday morning, we returned home to our home to see if we had electricity.
I had been slowly freaking out inside my head wondering if we were going to have it and if we had it would we have internet and all that and if we didn’t have it I was probably going to punch something that shouldn’t be punched. We had called the day prior the Indian restaurant across the street and they said they had power, so vis-a-vis eg ie we thought we would have power.
We showed up Saturday morning and I had my game face on like above and then we unlocked the front door and we flicked on the outside light to see if it would light up with the power of Ben Franklin’s lightning struck old balls and cock…
AND WE HAD POWER!
I HAVE THE POWER… OF GREYSKULL!
It was totally Dolph Lundgren’s oiled body in a fringed leather thong swinging around an executioner’s blade and more or less reliving the final fight scene of Return of the Jedi against a chalky Voldemort aka “Masters of the Universe”.
We had power. We had TV. We had internet. We had a near icicle level chill running through the house. And we had each other…. awwwwwwwwwwwww vomit.
That night we decided to do what every person does soon as they get their house back…
WE WENT TO THE MOVIES!
We saw “Wreck-It Ralph”!
As Kristen’s somewhat awkward smile suggests, we like it a lot.
Definitely a good kids movie and at the same time is plenty good enough to be a fun movie for adults. It was cute, it was funny, it had a lot of action, and it had some tear jerking moments. It had it all. If you’re interested in seeing it then see it. It won’t disappoint.
I did have one gripe and I’ll throw it out there right now, but will say skip until you see the next Kristen Stewart face to begin reading again. That’s when I will start talking about Sunday. So… minor spoiler below until Kristen shows up…
I really would have liked to have seen some of the real video game characters in action at the end when the bad guys are eating all of Sugar Rush’s candyland. When they’re all evacuating and they realize that Sarah Silverman’s character can’t leave and Ralph takes the hover scooter back to the soda volcano, I thought that someone should have suggested they had to hold the line by the exit to not allow the bugs to leave the game. In that moment, the Fix It guy or Ralph or Jane Lynch’s character should have ran back into the surge protector video game train station world and yell at all the characters – good and bad – to come into Sugar Rush to save the game. Then a deluge of characters like Ryu, Ken, Zangief, and M. Bison from “Street Fighter II”, Sonic and the evil doctor from Sonic, Pac Man and the ghosts, and really anyone who had been shown already could pour into Sugar Rush and use their special moves to beat the shit out of those bugs to buy time for Ralph as he navigated his way to the mountain top and fought the Speed guy who was now evil.
I thought that was a missed opportunity that they didn’t have all the bad guys from the bad guy anon have a moment where they did something good like Ralph got in the movie. Like I said, though that was a missed opportunity.
At 4:25 eastern standard time, the Pittsburgh Steelers (who just so happen to hold the key to any and all happiness I feel in this dead heart of mine) were going to play the New York Giants.
First, let me say I always have faith in the Pittsburgh Steelers. Always. When they were led by Tommy Maddox – faith. When they were led by Kordell Stewart – faith. When they’re led by 2x Super Bowl winning and 3x Super Bowl appearing Ben Roethlisberger – faith. I’m motherfucking George Michael up in here I have so much faith in them. Against the New York Giants who have been looking like a Super Bowl repeating football team this year, I had faith the Steelers were going to fly in that morning, have a team meeting, have a light lunch, go to the stadium, stretch, and then WIN THAT FOOTBALL GAME.
And they did all dem things!
But it didn’t come without the price of my anxiety, a million heart palpitations, and a lot of teeth clenching.
Remember that first pass interference call on the Steelers that went for 40+ yards and was for “hooking” and then when they replayed it and no one hooked anyone…
It got one of these stares.
A minute later, Ryan Clark from the Steelers got a bullshit call for hitting Victor Cruz in the chest, which they said was to the head and all that garbage and my stare got stronger and more dead eyed.
A few minutes later, Ben Roethlisberger gets his hand hit but he holds onto the ball through the throw and then it slips out at the end and the refs call it a fumble that gets taken back for a touchdown on the field, but it’s going to go to a booth review and get the right call that it was an incomplete pass… right?
So, the refs are cheating for the Giants? They’re just rigging this game for them to win. They gave them two bullshit penalties to put them on the one inch line then moments later they give them a bullshit fumble into a bullshit touchdown, which also involved a clipping block that should have stopped the touchdown as well, but nope they gave them the touchdown.
What the fuck was I watching? Can I really just sit here and watch this nonsense?
Well… in fact I can because if this is going to be the bullshit then I’m going to watch the bullshit, so I can be that much angrier about it when it’s over…
THE STEELERS WON!
Apparently, getting fucked by the refs for 14 points wasn’t enough. The Giants only mustered two more field goals in the game and lost 20-24.
The Steelers D locked it down, which lined up nicely with Elijah Manning having one of his worst performances in years. I’m not sure exactly of the stat, but near the end of the game Eli was 0-7 or 0-8 on third down passes. He hadn’t converted a 3rd down all game.
While Ben threw some incredible passes and Mike “60 Minutes” Wallace torched the Giants secondary in a game defining foot chase for a touchdown, the man of the hour had to be ISAAC REDMAN and whoever the fuck was blocking for him on Sunday. Whether it was the FB Johson or Mr. Miller at TE or just the O-line in general or that one play where the WRs got involved, but Isaac Redman ran over the vaunted Giants defense for 4 quarters. When people bitch and moan about the Steelers not being a run team anymore… watch this season because they’ve gotten back to running. Redman had himself a huge game.
Also, Emmanuel Sanders made some excellent clutch plays.
The Steelers are suffering from calcium deficiency or something with all the injuries, but they are still churning out good performances. I know I’m a fan, but they really should only have 1 loss this year. Their record is deceptive. They lost to the Titans and lost to the Raiders. They were winning those games the whole game until they just blew it in the end allowing the other team to score a game winning field goal. But up until then they were dominating. Weird games. Outside of that, the only game they played “bad” was against the Broncos in the opener.
Big win for the Steelers. They’re now 3-0 against the NFC East. The Steelers have their main rival the Baltimore Ravens coming up 2x in 3 weeks, which should be wild. Steelers play next Monday against the KC Chiefs in Pittsburgh.
So yeah, that was a great day.
Followed by another crazy tense “Homeland”…
And a sad “The Walking Dead”…
I sympathize a lot with what Carl had to do. Zombie or not, if I saw my Mom’s vagina then either me or her is eating a bullet because we both can’t keep walking around like that didn’t ruin my life forever. Also, a vagina that had a bloody baby coming out of it… Whaaaaa?!
How was your weekend?!
I love you.