Always Bet On Black…

November 7, 2012


I could totes see Kristen Stewart dressing up as Skrillex for Halloween… if he is still relevant then. Or maybe that’s even better and it will be a funny non-topical reference. Or maybe he still will be relevant if not more so and by that time none of us will have intact ear drums or any semblance of balance after another 12 months of listening to DUB STEP. WHHHHAAAAWHAWHAWHAWHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNAZZZZZZOOOOOOWAWAWAWAWAW!


What happened last night that made everyone tweet and facebook like crazy people?!

I’m just joshin’, the President of the Free World was decided!

Some people were happy and some people were all pissy like a bunch of wanksters saying they’re going to move to Canada. Uhhhhh, that doesn’t work for you, Republicans. Canada is more liberal with their healthcare and some of them speak French and they eat french fries with mayo, so it’s like a gay devil’s playground up there. I’m also calling people wanksters again. I’m unsure why it had to go away when 50 Cent did, but I’m bringing it back – you wankster ass wanksters!

Yesterday was kind of a toss up…

I got the President that I wanted, but I also got a crappy haircut from a woman whose name, I knew ahead of time, is “Cookie”. So, that’s like 50% good and like 50% bad, right?

I have been in need of a haircut for a week or so, and I went back to my parent’s home to vote for the black man streaking down the basketball court like a gazelle above. I decided to stop in at the place I used to get my haircut at down there and the people who usually are there weren’t there, but there was another employee there named Cookie. Cookie is a middle aged woman who gives out a questionable quality haircut. It’s a questionable quality name she’s flaunting around with, and the haircut is no different.

After her cutting my hair for 40 minutes (forever by the way, I’m a dude and it doesn’t take that long to cut a dude’s hair), she asked about the length and it looked like she hadn’t taken more than a quarter of an inch of hair off my head. Cookie! I asked for a haircut! I didn’t ask for out to brush my hair with scissors and a comb. So she went back to work, which was a mistake. She cut a bunch more off, which I’m ok with, but she left hair in places that should’ve been cut and the hair trailing down the back of my neck is on a diagonal slant and looks like I’m getting ready to start growing a mullet. COOKIE!

I will say that I was pleased to see the one girl there Stephanie who had previously given me a head massage and brushed my hair with mint, which was one of the greatest things to ever happen to me ever. I imagine that’s what a Roman emperor would have done every morning. Massage my head! Then brush it with mint! Then we invade the barbaric lands to the North! I did get another head massage, but no mint. Whatever. The head message was great again. I should’ve just taken the head massage, thanked them for their time, and then walked over to a Supercuts where possibly the haircutter isn’t named after a sugary baked good.




“SkyFall” comes out this weekend.

It is the 23rd official James Bond movie. You read that correctly. What “official” means is that “Never Say Never Again” is an unofficial Bond movie and is a remake of the movie “Thunderball” which Connery also starred in and that really means that there are 24 James Bond movies. NUTS!

I won’t lie, I don’t remember them all. I remember a bunch and I think I’ve seen almost all of them. Some stick out for good and for bad. Obviously, the movies have different feels considering who is playing Bond.


The original made 7 Bond movies including the remake mentioned above. I always thought Connery’s Bond was very dumb luck oriented and was kind of split down the middle of trying to solve the mission and trying to put his genitals inside as many women’s genitals as possible. I think the action and sex was split down the middle the most in his movies and with that I think his movies are the most sex driven. If Connery wasn’t banging these actresses then lord knows he was having three ways with their stunt doubles and stand-ins.

“Dr. No” was the starting point and is worth a watch. It’s amazing that this began so long ago in 1962 and literally 60 SIXTY SIXTY!!!! years later we’re still watching Bond kill and bang for 2+ hours. “Thunderball” is a solid Bond movie. I’m not that much of a fan of “Goldfinger” because I think it is so fucking cheesy. The end of “Goldfinger” seems more preposterous than the Austin Powers movies that liberally made fun of that movie maybe the most.


Absolutely the best. The best Bond movie without a doubt is 1969’s “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”. People thought Lazenby would continue being Bond for years like Connery, but Lazenby was too much of a prick and burned bridges and all that. Either way, this is the best Bond movie by far. As far as story, direction, and scope this movie is nearly unparalleled. To say that Christopher Nolan was inspired by this movie when he made “Inception” would be an understatement. As far as Lazenby’s Bond, I thought he was similar to a professional wrestler who is focused on his job of kicking ass and taking names, but soon as his opponent’s valet gets on the ring apron and gives him a wink and a smile – he’s instantly distracted. Bond does get lucky a few times in this movie, but he’s not as sixties carefree “another notch in the belt” as Connery is. You find out that Bond is a little more complex in this movie than in Connery’s previous installments.

If you’ve never seen “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”, rent it, watch it, love it.


The man takes us through 7 movies and 15 years of Bond. Clearly, Moore is skewed as an older Bond who is a veteran of this life. He is a little more war torn and not nearly as emotional as Lazenby’s and not nearly as whimsical as Connery’s. Moore’s Bond is a little more conservative to a degree. He’s still the eligible bachelor who gets plenty of knocking boots in, but he’s also not chasing skirt like Connery. Moore is definitely a more calculated Bond and generally wins with guile or quick thinking than Connery who sometimes seems to win because of a lucky break.

I’ll start out by saying “Octopussy” is definitely the “jump the shark” movie for Bond and at the same time I have a fondness for it because it is so super Indian. It’s not a particularly good movie by any stretch, but it’s so ridiculous at times it’s funny. One thing they seemed to be doing with Moore was they were sending him all over the world. I mean “Moonraker” is in space! “The Man with the Golden Gun” is a good one as well and also of course is on some evil tropical island with a great bad guy in Christopher Lee. There’s a slower tone to the Moore Bond’s that make for good lazy Saturday/Sunday watching.


Honestly, I liked Dalton. The movies jumped back to a younger and bloodier Bond. Dalton’s two films are a lot more action oriented, the bad guys seem to be really intent on killing instead of grand plots. I thought Dalton obviously looked the part and did a good job. He only made 2 movies and it’s probably bias because they came out when I was a kid (’87 and ’89), but I have fond memories of Dalton almost being eaten by a shark. Whatever, maybe you don’t. They’re not the best Bonds, but they’re certainly not the worst. The action scenes are pretty intense and so is Bond. He’s angry killing machine at times. I think Dalton did a fine job with “Licence to Kill” and “The Living Daylights”. Also, yes it is “Licence” and not “License”. No idea why.


Overall, Pierce was terrible. “GoldenEye” is the high point and everything got dramatically worse from there. Pierce made 4 Bonds and two are unwatchable. That’s not a particularly good ratio. As a whole, “GoldenEye” is a good movie. It’s got some good action, especially the final showdown between 007 and 006 (spoilers!). That is a well-crafted tense action scene that gets completely out of control in the end. There’s a lot of good things in “GoldenEye” as far as the bad guy’s motive, memorable characters, and, of course, the Nintendo 64 video game, but there’s a lot of shit in that movie too. A lot of the dialogue scenes have not aged well and the movie is very cheesy and at times just feels like a collection of random scenes. Some scenes are good and some are bad, but the scenes they needed to deliver on they did. And if they could have just cut out the bullshit with Bond skydiving into a free-falling plane and the satellite impaling/exploding on Sean Bean’s head then the movie would be that much better.

The other three movies should be forgotten forever. The absolute worst is “Die Another Day”. It belongs on a short list of worst movies ever made. It is insulting to say the least and any time you spend watching it is a waste of your life. So, Brosnan in the end was the worst Bond considering he made the worst Bond movie.


He’s 1-1 right now. “SkyFall” will be a big factor in if Craig is overall a good Bond or not. “Casino Royale” was a great Bond movie. It is first and foremost an action movie. Bond is laser focused in this movie until he isn’t, which is apart of the story. I think “Casino Royale” is the closest to achieving what “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” achieved. It’s a brutal Bond and one of the more creative Bond movies. It is a good movie with or without the Bond legacy.

Meanwhile, “Quantum of Solace” was a waste. The opening action sequence was the high watermark and from the opening credits onward it was a waste of time. In the end, it was the shortest Bond, which was great because that movie did not need to linger any longer. In many ways it reminded me of Brosnan’s “Tomorrow Never Dies” and that’s not a good thing.

As for “SkyFall”, I have high hopes that this movie will get Bond and Daniel Craig back in the win column. I like Sam Mendes as a director a lot and I think he will give fans an exciting well planned movie. Also, I love the choice of going all in on a big name actor as the villain. Javier Bardem is a wonderful actor and obviously is a great villain. I’m not entirely sure what the plot of this movie is supposed to be as I’m kind of shying away from looking up details on the movie. I expect Bardem to be a big part of the movie though and not an after thought villain. An active villain.

So…. yeah.


2 Responses to “Always Bet On Black…”

  1. PWG said

    I’m traveling this weekend and probably won’t get to see Skyfall right away. I don’t ever need to see the words “shaken” or “stirred” in a headline, magazine cover or Bond movie review ever ever ever ever again, though. Craig is my favorite Bond, and I actually liked Quantum of Solace.

    I read Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and James Bond books as a kid, so Ian Fleming is 5% responsible for making me a weirdo adult. Roald Dahl and Maurice Sendak can shoulder another 15%.

    Also, Colorado legalized pot at the state level yesterday, which was unexpected.

  2. This will be my first Bond movie. And if Javier Bardem just wants to play constantly tea-drinking Anton Chigurh with a British accent, I’d be ok with that. Disturbed, but ok.

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