DECEMBER MOVIE PREVIEWS – You’re Welcome, Jews – Part A

November 27, 2012

SHALOM!

Well, well, well, well… It is that time of the month again where I take movie poster one sheets from one website, upload them to photobucket, copy and paste their html to this website, and give an entirely random opinion based on the movie without seeing it or really talking about what it is about. Fun? Always.

As November slides gracefully into the wall of snow that is December… or at least could be because it is currently snowing like a motherfucker outside. Like big meaty flakes. I could collect these flakes and then cut them with a fork and knife like a snow flake steak. I don’t usually look at the weather unless I’m going somewhere or planning something in particular, so waking up to snow might not have been a shock to some, but was a big shock to me. I could hear the cars outside driving around on the wet street sound, so when I opened the curtains – yes, I have curtains… I’m not a fucking savage like you think – and I saw these meaty white snow flakes I was shocked. We’ve already had snow this month, which seems quite foreboding for the following months.

Anyway… December has movies… movies that you probably don’t want to see.

Yep. Sadly, as good as November was for movies, we’re back to the old set-up of maybe one or two watchables mixed into a batter of bullshit. I really hope for everyone’s sake that movie theaters don’t push those good November movies out so quick so people can get a chance to see them in December instead of the dog shit they’re serving up for us.

Today, I’ll tackle the first half of the month, which is mostly bad. The best movie coming out this month is easily “Django: Unchained” on Christmas. That will be previewed in tomorrow’s post, but it will most likely just say something like GO SEE THIS FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING MOVIE, YOU FUCKS THAT I LOVE… or something similar.

Let’s tackle this nonsense…

HYDE PARK ON HUDSON

Ugh.

If you’ve seen this trailer and enjoyed it then you and I do not see eye to eye on what entertains our brains. The trailer to me is obscenely boring and also looks cheap. It looks like a BBC movie. By that I mean it’s a TV production company making a movie. TV looks cheap. TV looks like it is shot in the day light because they need to save money on lights and lighting crews and there are not many sets and not many actors and it just looks like it was filmed while a tour group was on the other side of the mansion. Also, I didn’t think “The King’s Speech” was interesting, so this sunny day nonsense of cigarettes in plastic holders and driving around in model T convertibles looks dreadful. I do love Bill Murray, but I’m not seeing this.

I think this is the third time Laura Linney has played something involving Roosevelt. Why? Does Laura Linney look like someone who would hang around FDR? Did he have a Laura Linney type? I wish I had more Laura Linney’s hanging around me. Especially, as I get older. I mean having a bunch of Laura Linneys around me now would be pretty cool. Really cool. But if I was some grumpy ass old man smoking cigs and wearing glasses and had a knit blanket over my geriatric legs then a bunch of Laura Linneys around me would be the greatest thing ever. Like Heaven. Not to say Laura Linney isn’t a welcoming person, but I doubt she hangs out with many of the described grumpy ass old men nor should she with her flaxen gold hair and her long alabaster white swan neck.

So, we should clone Laura Linney, right?

LAY THE FAVORITE

This looks horrendous.

I don’t remember what the plot of this movie is, but it has something to do with Rebecca Hall (yellow/orange square kind of looking like Aubrey Plaza) banging Bruce Willis (the guy who looks like her dad) and at the same time Catherine Zeta Jones (bottom left looking like Raquel Welch in her youth) banging Bruce Willis (also, looking like her dad). Now, the poster says Vince Vaughn is in it, which only further proves that Vince Vaughn hates people who like Vince Vaughn, but he’s not on the poster, so I doubt he’s in the movie much. Joshua Jackson is on the poster, which is reason enough to avoid this movie forever and ever unless you found yourself masturbating to Joshua Jackson all those many Moons ago when he lived by that Creek and/or joined the Skulls. I literally hated human beings and still do who told me the movie The Skulls was good. YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!

Anyway… there was a time and a place for watching Bruce Willis have sex with attractive women and that was 1985 to 1999. You had a good run, Bruce. But nowadays I would rather think of you as a gun toting eunuch.

PLAYING FOR KEEPS

IS THIS THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE OR WHAT?!

Seriously, if you think that movie studios have a good original idea in their fucking head then look at this damning example. Is this not the same fucking poster. The same fucking kind of title. And! The same fucking nonsense again. Seriously, look at the colors! IT’S THE EXACT FUCKING SAME FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING THING! I HATE HOLLYWOOD SO FUCKING MUCH! Seriously, people we’re being fucked over by people who think we’re idiots. Don’t see these movies. They’re not even trying anymore to hide their bullshit.

AND CATHERINE ZETA JONES IS IN BOTH OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate. I hate. I hate.

ANY DAY NOW

Judging by the poster, what would you guess this movie is about?

To start, the movie title in question is so dispensable and vague that who knows what the Hell it is referencing. The following sub text of “They made him a promise. He made them a family.” is also wildly vague and cannot help in narrowing down what this movie is about besides there is a “he” and there is a “they” in the movie. SWEET. So, my guess, Alan Cumming looks like either a Seigfried & Roy type magician, but more so a late 70’s/80’s rocker. My guess is that Alan plays a bi-sexual rock God who has fallen on hard times, and lands in like a halfway house kind of foster home and is raised by Garret Dillahunt’s suburban square family and they end up forming a bond and helping each other through struggles and get Alan back to the stage and rocking again. Kind of like “Get Him to the Greek”, but it’s supposed to be unfunny and it’s set in the 70’s.

Let’s see if I’m right…

Inspired by a true story from the late 1970s and touching on legal and social issues that are as relevant today as they were 35 years ago, “Any Day Now” is a powerful tale of love, acceptance and family. When a teenager with Down syndrome (Isaac Leyva) is abandoned by his mother, a gay couple (Alan Cumming and Garret Dillahunt) takes him in and becomes the loving family he’s never had. But when their unconventional living arrangement is discovered by authorities, the men are forced to fight a biased legal system to save the life of the child they have come to love as their own.

TOTALLY NAILED IT! What the fuck? So, where the fuck is the down syndrome kid on this poster? Where is anything that remotely looks like what the movie is talking about on this poster? The only thing that is for sure is the 70’s thing with Dillahunt’s suit and Alan’s hair. And it’s Alan, so they’re gay. That was obvious that at the very least he would tongue kiss a guy. So, this sounds depressing and not interesting. Would you rather see this movie or the movie I suggested?

THE HOBBIT

I’m equal parts excited and dreading seeing this movie. I have fond memories of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and would like to keep it that way. This is part 1 of 2 movies about the Hobbit with a third movie looming based on quasi notes for a possible Hobbit sequel. Originally, I would have said that the Lord of the Rings was the Hobbit’s sequel considering the Hobbit is the Lord of the Rings’ prequel. But what the fuck do I know? I’m really just hoping this isn’t like the Star Wars prequels. I think that’s what everyone fears. There have been bad press for this already with how it was filmed and the ultra sleek digital look it was going to have which people already said they hated. I’m not sure what to expect from this.

The Hobbit book is much better than the Lord of the Rings books in my opinion. Is there enough in the Hobbit to make two movies? Sure. But already we know that Peter Jackson’s version of that is not necessarily to be truthful to the books. We already know – and by “we” and “know” I mean people who seek this shit out on the internet – that Peter is telling his own version of the Hobbit as he did with the LotRs movies. So, I don’t know. While I can see why Jackson changed LotRs to be more action oriented for film, I thought the Hobbit had a lot of action in it and I thought it was much more succinct as opposed to the trilogy.

I’m seeing it, nonetheless. Bad reviews or good, it has to be seen because it is the only version we’ll most likely ever get. I’m going in with an open mind and slightly lowered expectations.

SAVE THE DATE

Uhhhh… can I scratch the Laura Linney plan and make clones of Alison Brie and Lizzy Caplan? Or maybe just Alison Brie? If I had to die and I had to pick how I die, I would want it to be an Alison Brie clone army that turns cannibal and subdues me in a horde and feeds on my flesh as I die in agony smelling the lavender shampoo in her hair. Can that happen? That would probably be a decent way to go.

I’m not into this movie. First off, it kind of just seems even more like masturbatory fantasy realization than most movies are. It’s like those Woody Allen/Scarlett Johansson movies. Two chicks you really want to see having sex or have sex with and then making a movie pretty much entirely about that. Also, the movie itself seems pretty underwhelming. It doesn’t look funny and doesn’t look like they’re trying to be funny. It’s a bunch of comedic actors trying to do an even more droll “500 Days of Summer” with not nearly as good of a director. The story is more or less that Lizzy Caplan wasn’t having sex and was waiting for marriage and at the same time had no intention of marrying the guy she was dating. He proposes to her and she says no and then immediately starts sleeping with some other guy to get it out of her system. While at the same time, Alison Brie has sex all the time with Martin Starr and on the surface they seem happy because of it, but really she’s sad. Does any of this sound interesting? Does any of this not sound like the masturbatory fantasy stuff I was saying before?

I’d expect something much better from this cast. Also, something much funnier and clever. The trailer looks very bland minus the shots of Lizzy Caplan in her underwear. It also has the film quality of just about what I’d expect from a first time director straight out of learning how to use their first digital camera.

About the only thing I really do like is the casting of Lizzy and Alison as sisters. That I get. I like that a lot. I think they could really be good as sisters in a movie that plays to their strong suit or lets them do more than what is shown in this trailer which looks like moping.

Anyway… Alison Brie army turns cannibal… that’s a movie…

THE GUILT TRIP

First off, I’m seeing this. Immediately. Seth Rogen plus Barbara Streisand is even more Jewy goodness than Alison Brie and Lizzy Caplan and even Martin Starr in the last movie. Plus this movie looks like it could be funny. I like the concept in general of pairing of Rogen and Streisand and I bet that’s what the movie originally was. Get those two on screen together as son and mom. That’s it. That’s really enough. The rest of the movie sounds like it could be good as Seth is trying to get his mom back with her old flame. If I was making this movie, there would be multiple flames as Babs had multiple flames in real life. And KRIS KRISTOFFERSON would be in it. He’s be in a ton of it. And Seth would catch Babs and Kris banging at some point. It would be amazing. It would be more or less that Seth doesn’t know how wild his mom was and it just keeps getting nuttier and nuttier about her ex’s that he keeps trying to track down giving him a new appreciation for how nuts his mom is and how much she changed to raise him as well as she did. And Kris Kristofferson. Did you know he was a helicopter pilot? Did you know he was a drunk helicopter pilot who survived a helicopter crash that he was at fault for?!

The rest of the movies… Part B tomorrow…

Jews.

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5 Responses to “DECEMBER MOVIE PREVIEWS – You’re Welcome, Jews – Part A”

  1. I guessed Alan Cumming was a pirate.

  2. PWG said

    Kris Kristofferson went to high school with my parents. And he’s a Rhodes scholar. And I think of him every time I hear the song “Convoy”, which is a lot since my son thinks that song is fabulous. Speaking of fabulous, he wanted his hair tips bleached white this week. 9-year old metrosexual on my hands, here. It was $20 and I let him do it, for what it’s worth.

    All of which is to say none of those movies up there interest me either, except for The Hobbit and I have the same fears as you do.

  3. borber said

    “Seth Rogen plus Barbara Streisand is even more Jewy goodness than Alison Brie and Lizzy Caplan and even Martin Starr in the last movie.”

    Martin Starr is not Jewish at all.

    As for The Guilt Trip cast, I prefer nice young Jewish actors like Logan Lerman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Andrew Garfield, etc.

  4. Dee said

    For future reference:
    Actors of fully Jewish background: -Logan Lerman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, Bar Refaeli, James Wolk, Julian Morris, Esti Ginzburg, Kat Dennings, Erin Heatherton, Odeya Rush, Anton Yelchin, Paul Rudd, Scott Mechlowicz, Lizzy Caplan, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Gal Gadot, Robert Kazinsky, Melanie Laurent, Marla Sokoloff, Shiri Appleby, Justin Bartha, Adam Brody, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Gabriel Macht, Halston Sage.

    Actors with Jewish mothers and non-Jewish fathers -Jake Gyllenhaal, Dave Franco, Scarlett Johansson, Daniel Radcliffe, Alison Brie, Eva Green, Emmy Rossum, Jennifer Connelly, Eric Dane, Jeremy Jordan, Joel Kinnaman.

    Actors with Jewish fathers and non-Jewish mothers, who themselves were either raised as Jews and/or identify as Jews: -Andrew Garfield, Ezra Miller, Alexa Davalos, Nat Wolff, James Maslow, Josh Bowman, Ben Foster, Nikki Reed, Zac Efron.

    Actors with one Jewish-born parent and one parent who converted to Judaism -Dianna Agron, Sara Paxton (whose father converted, not her mother), Alicia Silverstone, Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

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