I’m back.

And I feel like the only thing I missed was…

I love these two motherfuckers! I love this 2 term winning mofo – Obama. I love this pretty vaulting sass monster mofo – McKayla.

War in Israel? Is that really news?

Hostess is closing? I never liked Twinkies to begin with.

Twilight finale? Couldn’t give a lesser fuck.

Although, I did openly “laugh out loud” that I had to escape the continent to get away from the deluge of Twilight nonsense this weekend. I had to run away to a land of glaciers and volcanoes to get peace from the live tweeting of the movie or breakdowns of the film series or whatever happened. But obviously that wasn’t the case. Just a happy accident. Plus with 5 movies of Twilight, it’s been heavily defined as to who are the true fanatics and who are people just watching some movies and who couldn’t give a fuck. So, it’s not like it was the shock like the first couple movies were.

Anyway…

WE WENT TO ICELAND!

For pictures, I’d suggest hitting up Danielle’s instagram feed of http://www.instagram.com/_dharv . There are going to be more pictures. Also, on facebook there are pictures. I’m open to new friendships.

A rundown of what we did…

FRIDAY…

We landed in Reykjavik between 5am and 6am and got into our hotel at about 8am. We ate the breakfast buffet then passed out for a few hours. Then I woke at 11 something and headed over to the Mjolnir MMA gym to meet UFC’s young Icelandic star Gunnar Nelson. I spent a couple hours there filming the gym and people working out and Gunnar hitting a bag then interviewed Gunnar then taped Gunnar rolling then got to roll with Gunnar. He tapped me 4x in 5 minutes, which means if I was on an episode of Bully Beatdown I would’ve won $1000 – so gooooo me and terrible whitebelt-ness.

Then we picked up Danielle and grabbed lunch with Gunnar and his BJJ coach John.

Afterward, Danielle went back to the room to sleep some more. But we rallied a few hours later and took a cab to downtown Reykjavik. We walked around for awhile and walked past a million restaurants and bars to eat at. We were thoroughly unsure what place should be our first place to eat dinner at. It seems like such a commitment when you’re only gong to choose two places to eat dinner at. One of the nights we were going to eat dinner at where the tour was taking us, so we only could choose two dinner locations unless we’re going to go all Taco Bell fourth meal style.

We ended up finally walking into the Grill Market, which was absolutely amazing. I wish I had all the money to eat all their meat and die of a heart disease that night. Besides having great meat of many varieties, everything on the menu said “(contains nuts)”. So their meat came with nuts – that’s what she said. Some of the nuts was their homemade peanut butter, which isn’t my first idea to pair with meat, but putting two things I love together sometimes works out like it did at Grill Market.

We also ate dessert there which was a Godiva chocolate ball filled with coffee ice cream and rice crispies that they poured hot caramel over, which then melted the chocolate revealing the inner contents. It was like a damn magic trick. It was also delicious.

Hmmm… well, I’m seeing that it is 1:20pm and I’m nowhere near being done.

So, I’ll save the rest for tomorrow. I haven’t eaten and I’m starving and I need to get some other shit done today.

I’ll talk more about glaciers and hot springs tomorrow and I’ll round up some pictures. You should check out the already posted pictures like I said.

Anyway… it was an excellent trip and I highly recommend Iceland.

Go there.

Yep.

ICELAND!

Later today, @jordan_is_ok and @_dharv are taking a plane to Iceland to visit ICELAND(!).

Should be interesting, right? Hopefully.

We do have a glacier walk scheduled for Saturday and we’re going to try and hit up those Blue Lagoon hot springs. Also, I’m supposed to meet up with that newly minted UFC fighter Gunnar Nelson tomorrow. All crazy random and hopefully we see some kick ass Northern Lights. AM I RIGHT?! Smoke ’em if you got ’em, cheecho!

Anyway…

Kristen Stewart dressed up as a Mexican wrestler’s wet dream this week…

I believe they are actually called “luchadors” and they participate in “luta libre” matches.

I would call this look the “Oaxaca onesie”.

It wasn’t Kristen Stewart’s quinceanera, but from the upper half of her looks like she henna tattooed herself to look like a sugar skull.

The bottom half?

Gloria Estefan, motherfuckers!

Remember when Kristen Stewart broke into Gloria Estefan’s house and stole those yellow and green pants from her closet back when we didn’t know that Kristen Stewart had cheated on Rob Pattinson? Oh what a simpler time that was.

I’m totally into this outfit because I’m picturing Kristen Stewart as the young and hottest Latina wrestling valet who is causing a ruckus in the locker room. All the wrestlers can’t keep their eyes off of her when they are wrestling the luchador she valets and those guys lose because of it and then their own valets freak out because of it. At some point, the valets try to get even with her and corner her and beat her up (hit her with their finishers or double suplexes or assisted powerbombs and so forth) and then they shave part of her head. Which in the end is ok because as seen earlier this week – Stewart can totally pull off the Skrillex look. This all prompts Kristen to learn to wrestle and then at some big event when she gets cornered by one valet she ends up turning the tables on her and hitting her with a running bulldog and then climbs the top rope and pulls off a flawless moonsault … all while wearing those snazzy fucking pants!

Ok? Let’s all move to Mexico!

Anyway…

We’re leaving in a few hours and I just want to say…

You’re going to have to catch this sweet ass on the flip-side!

Flipside of the weekend.

I should be back to posting on Tuesday.

Have a great weekend.

Touch each other.

Love you.

WHAT … UP … ?

Last night, I made an in-house movie night of bourbon (Jefferson’s Reserve and Buffalo Trace), black & white cookies, milk (gots to with the cook cooks), sweat pants, and Jake Gyllenhaal’s police thriller “End of Watch”. Best boyfriend ever?!

It was… good and/or ok, but more importantly it was watchable.

The movie itself is an experiment in found footage, point-of-view style directing with an emphasis on proving that Jake and Michael Pena (featured above) did their actoral duty and did 12 hour ride alongs with the LAPD for 6 months. That’s the focus of the movie more than anything. These two – Jake and Michael – are the chummiest of cop chums and they talk like it too! Isn’t that grand?! They curse and tell sex stories and call each other racist names, but at the end of the day they tell each other they love each other in the most homosocial way.

The rest of the movie is about Mexicans being evil, sadistic, drug pushing, barely literate, killers. We get a half-assed explanation as to why Jake is filming everything, but there is no explanation as to why a stereotypical Latino gang is filming their illegal escapades too. I think there could have been a line thrown in there as to really why they were doing it like maybe the Taliban films their horribleness, so why shouldn’t we. Something, anything. Anyway, the gang is run by a bald headed dude with the number 13 on the side of his head and he knows three words and two of them are fuck and motherfuck. The driver and seemingly the lieutenant to #13 is a lesbian played by a seemingly a Hispanic Lady Gaga impersonator.

There is a lot of random shit that happens in the movie, which is supposed to mirror the lot of random shit that happens to police officers. There is supposed to be a mini-war happening between the Mexican gang people and the dynamic duo of Jake and Michael. I don’t think they properly sell the connection as much as they sell us that Mexicans are doing horrible things left and right in Los Angeles so much so that Jake and Michael cannot stop stumbling over it. At some point, they try to make the connection that the local guy is connected to the really heinous stuff, but I’m not sure that connection is as good as they think it us and by they I mean David Ayer and I suppose anyone else who helped David Ayer in making this movie.

David Ayer is the director of this ok movie. David Ayer is the director of two other movies that are very similar to this one. In “Harsh Times”, Christian Bale and Freddy Rodriguez are the white and Hispanic duo and again it is the Hispanic guy who plays more or less the conscience of the kind of out there white guy who eventually gets them both into way too much trouble for only two people to handle on their own. The next movie was “Street Kings” where a white cop played by Keanu Reeves is also too smart and too crazy for his own good and uncovers a mess of corruption all the while busting a bunch of minorities in street level crimes. Keanu’s partner in that movie is the completely inconsequential Chris Evans, I like Chris, but his character didn’t need to be in the movie at all.

Ayer has written some good movies and by that I mean he wrote “Training Day”.

The thing with Ayer is that he appears to me to be a guy completely raised on Quentin Taratino movies, but not the movies that inspired Quentin Tarantino. See, QT is a wonderful writer and director. He has a certain style and all that, but his movies are very different from each other. The thing is is that QT is inspired by the hundreds upon hundreds of movies he watches. He absorbs movies and in many ways is a movie historian. That’s why his movies do have a similarity, but they’re epic and they multidimensional and overall much better than anything Mr. Ayer will put together.

Ayer’s got the salty language, he’s got the graphic imagery, he’s got grittiness, he’s got no fear dropping a lot of racist lingo, he’s got sex, he’s got violence, he’s got those random ass conversations characters have to try and nail home that these are 3D characters and not just people focused on the task at hand in the movie, and at the same time he has a lot of limited perspective and is cheap with storytelling. It’s like ordering those homemade pretzel bites or big soft pretzels at bars nowadays that come with the different sauces for you to sop up with the pretzel and the sauce containers coming a quarter full. Now, I ordered the pretzel, but I’m not going to feel satisfied with my eating if I don’t eat every bit with the sauce. Ayer’s got little sauce for a dry, salty pretzel. Got me?

But there is one thing that this movie had and should have had more of, but I’m thankful for the bit it did have…

Anna Kendrick cleavage.

Personally, I’m just speaking from the heart on this one, it brightens my day like a ray of sunshine from in between her boobs.

I’m guessing she’s wearing a push-up bra. I would guess that Anna’s actually boobs are not as big as she can make them appear with the help of the wonderful and absolute lying technology known as a push-up bra. It’s miraculous. It makes the already made impossible POSSIBLE. It’s awe-inspiring.

See, Anna is a little, wonderful, sprite who I really enjoy as an actress and have since “Rocket Science” those many Moons ago in 2007. Great movie. But I’m not buying those jugs being hers for a SECOND. I think Anna knows full well how to take advantage of outfits that make her appear chestier and I’m cool with that because I love chests, but I’m just saying I’m not under the delusion that they aren’t being hyped up a bit or a lot a bit.

Look at Anna’s boobs.

They look huge in the best way possible.

Now, try your best to remove your eyes from that glorious titty meat and travel North East on the photo to Jake’s shitting eating grin and very telling eyes. He’s letting you know that he knows that you know and Anna’s not fooling us, but we just love to be fooled anyway. We just love it.

Anyway…

“End of Watch” was decent. It’s definitely “watchable” as I keep saying. It’s not going to leave you satisfied, but it’s better than maybe you would expect it to be. It’s a ton of cursing. Like fuck this fuck that fuck you fuck your mother motherfuck that guy and so on for the whole movie. It’s also random. It’s “thrilling” at points and certainly “tense” at points. So, it’s a fun ride in that regard. If you liked “The Shield” then you should like this movie.

Boobs. Anna Kendrick boobs.

Holy Moly!

This is from the last scene in 50/50 – great movie.

Joseph Gordon Levitt must be gayer than 6 guys blowing 7 guys or the greatest professional actor of all time because he had to keep a straight face and non-bonered pants while acting across from those boobs. Would you like some Anna Kendrick with those boobs?! AM I RIGHT!

Boobs.

It’s so close fucking close I CAN ALMOST TASTE IT!!!!!

No more stupid ass shimmering vampires or absolutely idiotic dialogue that leave an unfortunately large percentage of women breathless, “feathers.” No more giving money to some barely literate, overly-religious, never been kissed, Julianna Marguiles after a week long binge at Waffle Hut knock off. It’s so fucking close to the end, my body is tingling from my balls to my brain!

Of course, I met “balls” of my feet. The balls of my feet. Hmmmm….

Anyway, hello. Hello to whomsever (plural to whomever).

The 39th and last Twilight movie had its red carpet last night and my timeline and the internet in general has been flooded with pictures of the people who were in attendance who mean a lot to the people who were there and to me mean so little it’s actually depressing. Were these people in these movies? I recognize like 4 people and 1 one of them is Kristen Stewart’s thighs and the other is Kristen Stewart’s ass – while not technically “people”, they deserve to be treated with the same laws and rights as people – healthcare, social security, medicaid for Kristen Stewart’s ASS!

Let’s see some fucking pictures!

First, Kristen Stewart could totally go as Skrillex for next Halloween. And/or in life. I’m not sure if Skrillex will still be present as a popular character or even be alive by next Halloween, but it could go either way as a pop culture reference or as an ironic- LOOK AT KRISTEN’S THIGHS!

Is it just me or do her glorious legs lead right to a Barbie-like molded plastic vagina placeholder? Am I the only one seeing that?

Also, I’m not making this up… hmmm… let me preface this that I could be making this up… but fashion designers usually have a theme or a story for the clothes they make. My guess is that these lines that are emerging from Kristen Stewart’s belly button are like the Sun’s rays of light, which create life and the fact that we can pretty much see Kristen Stewart’s vagina and her thighs is for us to get all jazzed up about putting a baby inside of her, which will inevitably be the second coming or third coming of WANT. So it’s a dress about new life, the future, and…

WANTING TO SEX KRISTEN STEWART!

GOOD GOD! GIVE THIS DRESS MAKER THE MEDAL OF WHATEVER THEY WANT A MEDAL IN!

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT AND SO DOES HER ASS!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST LOOK AT THAT JAMIE LEE CURTIS FROM “TRUE LIES” THONG!

Or at least it looks like she’s wearing one of those obscenely high waisted thongs from the late 80’s, early 90’s. Something that Kelly LeBrock would’ve been wearing to heal the wounds of some action hero. Wowzers! Greatest dress ever? From the back, most definitely.

I mean I’m not the only one… look at the little Mexican girl to Kristen’s left. She is either dead from being so close to the want or doing the “dat ass” face while basking in the warming glow of Kristen Stewart’s ass. One or the other or both.

This is why movie premiere reviews of the movie are incredibly slanted. If I was at that premiere I would have given Twilight Breaking Dawn Waxing Moon Part 19 a perfect 10 out of 10 boners… errr… stars… a perfect 10 out of 10 stars reviews on IMDB as soon as I got a wifi signal on my iphone solely because I was in the same room as that ass while that terrible movie was playing. It defies logic to ask a person to be objective when butts like that are in the room.

Whew, I wish I could keep talking more about that ass. I know that it’s a static image, but does anyone else feel like it’s gesturing to you and also calling your name? Is that just me? Ok. Moving on…

There’s the happy couple! Hey, Pattinson, you lucky fuck, I hope you trip and fall somewhere.

I get it now! They are auditioning for a new comicbook movie with Robbles as The Riddler and Kristen as The Asstasm, the steeley-eyed crimefighter who has a pair of butt cheeks that can crack any code and break any case!

Rob’s face is always twice as long as I remember it to be. It’s like there’s The Picture of Dorian Grey thing happening except a child is playing with silly putty and is elongating a newspaper copy of Rob’s face. So, nothing like The Picture of Dorian Grey.

Holy manorexia!

Get this kid some skittles and a bacon cheeseburger and a life coach.

Has anyone checked on Taylor Lautner? I mean these movies are over, which means his acting career is over, so the kid might be taking this a little hard. I don’t know Taylor Lautner – shocking, I know – but I’m guessing the next 20-60 years of his life will be as the only one of the Twilight cast showing up at conventions answering questions about what it was like being in the movies, while woman who could be his grand mother are always telling him that Bella should’ve chosen him as if he is actually Jacob and the books are real and their are periods of time where he believe is too and starts harassing Rob and Kristen and coming to their house dressed in a Halloween wolf costume, which he also just runs around the streets on full Moons dressed like that and really just kind of loses all touch with reality.

Well, I’d see that movie, so maybe there is hope for the little guy if he ever starts intaking calories again.

Live it up because “beauty” fades. And I’m 100% directing that at Kellan Lutz. Unless you start hitting up the HGH, you’ll lose those abs and pecs before there is a 5 year anniversary Blu-Ray release.

As for Nikki, what happened? Seriously. I thought I was going to be having wet dreams about her for years, but really it was just like a week after I saw Thirteen and that may have been a hundred years ago at this point. Maybe Nikki should go back to slutting it up, so she can get another screenplay developed. And you can start by leaning over and tongue-fucking Ashley.

And Ashley Greene? Good God she is a beautiful female. The more I see her and how hot she is, the more I think about the Jonas brother who dumped her. This is what I’m thinking…

1. Dude is a playboy. I couldn’t tell you which Jonas brother is which and who was with Ashley, but I do know all the Jonas’ look more Hispanic as they age and that the one who was with Ashley has also dated a ton of other hot and young chicks. I have been told by other people when I say this outloud that the Jonas in question has said stuff about him not having sex before marriage and by stuff I mean LIES! The dude’s dingus has been in like every girl who has one a Teen Choice Award in the past 5 years. I’m not hating, I’m envy-ating?

2. Ashley Greene is insufferable. I mean it could be that the Jonas is dicking and dashing, or I could be wrong and he is waiting for marriage and all that. If that’s the case then Ashley must be a chore to talk to. Seriously.

What the Hell? Just when it was starting to be ok to think Dakota Fanning was attractive, she pulls this shit.

Personally, I blame Zooey Deschanel and that TV show The New Girl. Damn you, Zooey!

Or this could be for a role. A stupid fucking role. What the Hell, Dakota? Fix your hair!

Who is this guy?

Is he in the movies?

Does he know he might not be in the movies?

They say that if you look confident and wear a suit, you can sneak in just about anywhere. This proves it. Got his picture on Yahoo and everything.

While we’re all scratching our heads as to who this individual is, take a look at this very attractive Twi-hard hispanic woman just over his shoulder. She should be getting her picture taken. Not this jabroni.

WOW! Completely unattractive! Like completely. 100% unattractive.

Get Michael Sheen to wardrobe and the make-up chair to make him look human again. What the eff is going on with these people? I know some celebrities don’t own TVs and/or watch their own movies, but no mirrors either?! Seems extreme.

Hunh?

Who is dressing Elle Fanning? The madam from the Emily Browning movie “Sleeping Beauty”?

No one should really get that reference, but if you have you should be laughing your genitals off. Also, Emily Browning gets like all the way nude in the movie. Like the only more nude she could be is if she was wearing Kristen Stewart’s dress… am I right?!

Someone dress Elle Fanning like a pretty girl and not like an anime ghost prostitute.

On a scale of 1-10, how wet are you?

Like a 12.

Him and Jennie Garth split, right? Or did I make that up? Or am I making up that he’s the actual father of Nikki Reed’s baby? Or am I making up that Nikki had a baby?

There she is!

If you didn’t get my Julianna Marguiles post waffle buffets reference before, do you get it now?

I bet $100 that after every day of shooting finished, Meyer would sneak into the wardrobe trailer and smell everyone’s underwear.

Well… not everyone…

I hate this guy. I hate him for reminding me of the dad from Gossip Girl, which reminds me that I’ve seen two episodes of Gossip Girl. Was he the dad on Gossip Girl or is he just trying his nut sack off to be the cool dad around a bunch of teens and trying to convince them that they should go for experience over youth and then he does some weird stuff in the bedroom like jizzing on their socks.

Oh yeah, and I hate that show Revolution the more that I know it’s not cancelled. Every reminder that that show exists makes me hate everyone involved in it that much more.

ELECTRICITY IS NATURALLY OCCURRING! UNLESS ALIENS PLACED A MAGIC BUBBLE OF NON ELECTRICITY AROUND THE EARTH THEN THIS SHOW DOESN’T MAKE SENSE FOR A SINGLE FUCKING SECOND!

I need to calm down… pretty lady faces usually helps with that…

Is this a reference to There’s Something About Mary?

Just be you, Julianne Hough. Don’t let your gay bff Ryan Seacrest fiddle with your hair anymore.

Lost feels like ages ago.

I like how they tried to make the relationship between the hot blonde who wears bikinis and the straight dude seem so crazy. Listen, Saeed may have been a torturer in the Middle East, but his penis liked lady parts just as much as the next guy, so it made a shit ton of sense why he liked having her around.

Hi.

I’m in the movie.

That’s my butt.

Bye.

There is some witchcraft going on at this premiere when Blossom looks better than half of these other bitches. Although the dress looks like it came from Stephenie Meyer’s closet.

There are some random ass people at this red carpet.

I just skipped a bunch of people’s pictures. The only one I recognized was Ashley Tisdale and I’d put 15 bucks on her at the very least giving Peter Faccinelli a handy last night.

But there was this as well…

Stevie Nicks.

If you guessed that was Stevie Nicks then you probably went to the event last night with Stevie Nicks. I don’t know what is up with those shades, but stop.

Is Stevie Nicks in any of these movies? I might have to check out that.

Hey, it’s THAT guy from X-Men First Class!

Hey, tits!

Wasn’t this girl 5 when they started making these movies, and now she’s a pornstar.

Time sure does move fast.

Nancy O’Dell is in Twilight?!

If I ever got that memory erasing done like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the first thing that would be zapped would be “juggalos”. My life would be better without knowing a single thing about juggalos. But Nancy O’Dell would be something so random that I wouldn’t think that I know, but I know way too much about that I would forget to add Nancy O’Dell to my list of things that I want removed from my memory and then like 2 weeks after getting the procedure done I would be sitting at home and on the computer like I am now and see Nancy O’Dell and have this wave of WHY THE FUCK DO I INSTANTLY RECOGNIZE NANCY O’DELL BUT IT TAKES ME 30 MINUTES TO REMEMBER THE NAME TO ALMOST ANY SONG I LIKE.

Just saying…

This is the outfit of a woman who does not go to these events ever.

What on Earth was this daft woman thinking when she put this on and made her hair like that and then pulled that face when the cameras approached and told her to smile?

Apparently, that is the music supervisor who put all the listenable soundtracks to these terrible movies together. So, she’s usually sitting at a computer tucked away in a basement wearing monitor headphones and a sweatshirt covered in hummus stains. That’s what I’m guessing. And then she decided to wear school bus yellow knee high pleather boots to a red carpet event where people would take her picture. Fair enough.

Lastly…

This last picture is for the most meaningful part of this red carpet and of this movie series and especially the book series as well…

You, crazy, women/fans.

If it wasn’t for you and all your fucking insanity over a book that’s so carelessly moronic which was turned into 5 horribly acted, directed, and CGI-ed movies then there would be none of this at all. Including me writing this I suppose.

So, thank you.

Thank you, ladies. Thank you to your loyalty for your unbelievably awful choices in literature and film.

And thank you for this…

LOOK AT THAT BUTT!!!!!!!!!

~ fin ~

HELLO… Hello… hello…

I would like to give a congratulations out to these well-dressed and by-and-large physically attractive people…

These 8 people made “Skyfall” the newest James Bond movie. It made nearly $88 million in the US this weekend and made hundreds of millions of dollars already internationally.

Congratulations.

Sincerely, that is not easy to do. Many have tried and failed at making hundreds of millions of dollars, but they did and that’s a kudos to them. A lot of Kudos. Like at least a couple hundred million boxes of Kudos. I think they’re like $4 a box for those chocolate covered granola bars, so they can buy a lot of Kudos with all that James Bond money they made.

On the flip side, these same 8 people made-

A TERRIBLE FUCKING MOVIE!

That’s the other thing, “Skyfall” sucks and you shouldn’t see it.

Why hello there pretty lady with big ol’ boobies. May I see your wrist, it appears you have a tattoo there? Oh, that tattoo means you were taken from your home around at 12 to 13 years old and forced into sex slavery for the rest of your life. Now, at lets say in your early 30s, you have spent well over half your life being forced to have sex with men, terrible men against your will and you live in constant fear that one of them will just kill you because they treat you as a toy with no feelings. Because I know all of this, I think the best way for me to get you to help me in exchange for possibly your death is me seducing you with my own manliness and then bang you in the shower.

Whaaaaaaat?!

I’m not saying “Skyfall’s” James Bond is the most remorseless and uncompassionate and least likable and dumbest Bond… oh wait… YES I AM.

Seriously? Bond fucks a chick who against her will was sold into sex slavery at the age of 13. Why? Because she’s really fucking pretty, that’s why. Seriously? Not for a second did Bond think, uhhhhh, is it weird if I fuck the chick who moments earlier I confessed to know that she’s been more or less raped over and over again her entire life? I mean, like my penis totally wants to be in her body too. If the bad guy I’m going to kill gets to force himself inside of her whenever he wants because he bought her from another criminal enterprise that did the same thing to her… then why can’t I get some of that?! AM I RIGHT?! WHO IS WITH ME?!

With all that said, that is one gripe of a thousand gripes I have with the movie and this gripe lasts for maybe 10 minutes in the movie and there are just as stupid gripes happening all around it.

I have heard people complain about bad movies being “a collection of scenes” where things just happen with no sense of causality or plan or thought. That’s what Skyfall is to a T. There is no plan, it’s just things happening, and by the end of it the bad guy won because everyone is so stupid and not because of some genius plan… also, the bad guy doesn’t recognize that he won either. He’s too stupid to even realize that he won.

I’m not even sure where I should begin with this movie’s terribleness.

Maybe the title? “Skyfall”. What do you think Skyfall means? Is Skyfall some failed assignment that haunts MI6 to this day and is the starting point for the plot of this movie? That’s what my guess was. Project: Skyfall. And we would find out that Skyfall was some kind of shady assignment that either Bond or Javier Bardem was apart of or they were both apart of and that’s what blah blah blah… Nope. “Skyfall” is the name of James Bond’s parents estate in Scotland. Why is it named “Skyfall”? I don’t know. I’m not sure they say. Why is “Skyfall” the title of the movie? I have no clue. Is “Skyfall” a big part of the movie? Not really. For a movie that is 2 hours and 20+ minutes, Skyfall doesn’t show up until about 2 hours into the movie.

Earlier in the movie, Bond is having a psych evaluation done to waste time because I’m guessing someone told someone that Bond movies are supposed to be over 2 hours long and Sam Mendes threw together a bunch of pointless and meaningless scenes that have no affect on the plot whatsoever and the psych evaluation is one of them. So, in the psych evaluation, Bond is asked about “Skyfall” which is the first and only time that Skyfall is mentioned in the movie until they show up there at the end of the movie in a completely illogical way. He’s asked about “Skyfall” and Bond gets up and leaves the psych evaluation. Fast forward a couple hours and Skyfall is where his parents lived and died and that’s why they named it that.

Did the movie have to end at his dead parents house? Nope. It’s randomly where James thinks they should go. His plan is to lure Javier Bardem and his mini army of machine gun carry soldiers to an isolated place where he can fight them 1 vs. who knows. Bond’s first thought is his shitty old house in the countryside of Scotland that possibly has some antique shotguns. That’s it. That’s the plan. Why doesn’t Bond take her to place that has any strategic element to it at all. What about a police station? That has weapons and police who can help kill Bardem?

Some might say, “well, Bardem isn’t that stupid to just walk into a place with armed guards to try and shoot his way through and kill Judi Dench?” NOPE! That is literally the grand master plan that Bardem has moments earlier.

Javier Bardem’s character…

The former #1 MI6 agent whose real name is Thiago (how many British agents out there do you think are named Thiago?!) was on a mission where he was captured because Judi Dench was like fuck that guy and sold him out, so Bardem does what any good captive does and tries to kill himself with the cyanide false tooth he has. The cyanide doesn’t kill Bardem and instead just ruins his gums and teeth and his cheek bone, but completely leaves his tongue, vocal chords, larynx, and really everything else fine. Somehow, following the cyanide thing, Bardem escapes, gets the word out he’s going into business for himself, becomes a highly valued international terrorist with his super genius hacking skills (totally 1337 stuff) and finds an island off the coast of somewhere and tells those people that there is a chemical leak and they have to evacuate and so they do all that and destroy the island in the process, but that’s cool because Bardem is really just using this island as the most dramatically unnecessary wifi hotspot for his hacking, but he does have sex with the chick mentioned earlier from time to time and must send her back and forth on that fancy boat to that gambling place for whatever reason. And he paid some dude to steal a list of current agents so he could out them on Youtube and make MI6 come after him.

That’s Bardem’s bad guy up until we meet him.

Then we meet him and he gets captured by MI6 on purpose so he can hack their computers to uncapture himself so he can run through the subway and sewer tunnels of London so he can blow a hole in one of those tunnels with explosives he must’ve planted months earlier just to get a subway car to go flying through it moments later which he must’ve planned to the very second that this would all happen at these exact moments… all so he could leave the sewers/subways dressed as a police man and get into a car of other guys dressed as police men and shoot their way through a court room to kill Judi Dench.

That’s the “plan”.

The plan consists of millions of dollars spent on assassins, boats, computer equipment, a hooker, an Asian gambling club, the faith that Bond would follow all of this nonsense and not get himself killed, helicopters, an island of people being evacuated, and really just an endless list of bullshit, all so Bardem could walk into a court room and shoot Judi Dench, which he fails at doing.

There are so many stupid things that happened in this movie that it’s hard to keep my head straight. Like why would two people escaping into the night, trying to be as undetected as possible as a bunch of blood thirsty mercenaries are looking for them along the Scottish countryside, why would those two people use flashlights to illuminate themselves in this completely uninhabited countryside in the dead of night and the bad guys are only like 200 yards from them. How stupid could they possibly be?

Many are harping on how the final action scene of the movie is oddly reminiscent of “Home Alone”? Very true. Bond decides the best course of action is booby trapping his house to defeat the mercenaries. And amazingly it works.

Despite the overwhelmingly positive reviews you might find of websites like ComingSoon or RottenTomatoes for this garbage movie, you will also find a bunch of websites and a bunch of people out there who are as baffled as I am that people think that was good or understandable. I saw some good bitching about this movie on…

http://www.movieplotholes.com/skyfall.html

And worst of all…

There isn’t one scene in the movie I would want to see again. That’s the thing that kills me with action movies. How can you not make the action scenes good? I’ve seen some shitty action movies that have memorable action scenes or memorable something. I mean Michael Bay does it all the time. I wouldn’t want to sit through a Transformer movie again, but if you edit out everything but the action its watchable. There are some good action scenes in those movies. But this? Was there even one good scene in the movie?

If I had to think of it, I would say the scene where Javier Bardem tells a story about catching rats and forcing them to eat each other until 2 are left and then send those two in the woods to eat other rats. As random and ridiculous as that sounds, that’s by far the best scene in the movie considering all the other scenes stink. This scene isn’t even that good considering Javier is out of focus the whole scene and the story itself is interesting and yet has no point whatsoever. They try to force that this story is a metaphor for Bond and Bardem’s lives, but it isn’t. Especially since up until that moment, we had no clue who Bardem was. They try to tell us that Bardem is Bond’s equal, but only so far as Bond is terrible at this job in this movie and Bardem is a completely clueless villain. If that was the metaphor they were going for then ok.

If you wanted to see this movie… don’t.

If you want to see a Bond movie… go rewatch whatever your favorite Bond movie was previous because it will be an infinitely more gratifying experience.

The best part about this movie as a whole is that there was a time a couple years ago that we thought we would never see another Bond movie again because of the legal battle of who owned the rights. Well, they got that settled and they hired Sam Mendes which seemed like a good idea. All of that was the best part of the movie… the anticipation. The movie itself is shit. And if this is what we’re to expect from more Bond then put the fucker out of his misery. It’s been a long enough run. Pierce’s Bonds sucked at least 3 out of the 4 and now Craig has two bad Bonds to 1 good one.

Ugh.

FUCK YES! FINALLY!

Last night, of all websites to break the story, TMZ reported the UFC – in all its Octagon glory – signed former 2008 Olympics’ bronze medalist in Judo and current Strikeforce women’s bantamweight champion “Rowdy” Ronda Rousey.

YES!!!!!

The first female fighter in the UFC. A gender barrier has been broken and I couldn’t be more happy about it.

As many will and have reported, this is historic for the UFC in two ways. One, because of what I just mentioned. The UFC has never had women fighters and now they do. Second, for years while Gina Carano did her thing in EliteXC later Strikeforce and when others like Tara LaRosa fought in BoDog and even Cris “Cyborg’s” run in Strikeforce – the UFC and more importantly President Dana White was staunchly against having women fight in the UFC. At first, he was simply against. When pressed he would use female boxing as an example and how they’ve never been able to truly make divisions and make it successful. While that may be an OK rationale to some, it is the exact opposite rationale that White should have had considering his ethos as a promoter in MMA is that he does it better than boxing and he does it the way boxing should. So, if boxing failed at promoting women that doesn’t matter because boxing isn’t MMA and it certainly isn’t MMA under White.

2012 changed all of that. Ronda Rousey changed all of that. In March, in the lead-up to the Rousey vs. Miesha Tate title fight, White was genuinely intrigued and pro the main event. He lauded Strikeforce/Showtime with praise and the two women with praise over how the promotion prior to the fight was sooo good. The fight itself? Incredible. A star maker for Rousey. Everyone who thought she wasn’t facing good enough competition got an eyeful when she almost snapped in half the champion’s arm. And from there the Rousey hype train on picked up speed with the Sports Illustrated Body Issue cover. And she’s been interviewed by almost every media outlet.

Rousey followed all this attention up by doing what she does best and won by another first round armbar over the incredibly talented Sarah Kaufman.

Now, Rousey is signed to the UFC.

I FUCKING LOVE IT!

On top of this information…

Less of a shock, Strikeforce is closing its doors after their January show.

There is a list of names of fighters from Strikeforce that are supposedly already signed with the UFC. Among them are several other female fighters like Miesha Tate, Sara McMann, Liz Carmouche, Sarah Kaufman, Alexis Davis, and Cris “Cyborg” if she makes the drop in weight to 135 pounds.

That’s the story. The UFC is adding the women’s bantamweight division spearheaded by the well-deserved champion “Rowdy” Rousey.

Barack Obama on Tuesday and Ronda Rousey on Thursday… I fucking love this week!

I hope you all have a great weekend.

I love you.

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