KSWI M.D. Presents: SPERM IS MAGIC and/or Doctors in the 80’s were LIARS

December 4, 2012

Hello, everyone.

The following is 100% FACTUAL! And by “100% FACTUAL!”, I mean this is some crazy S that I at the very least I didn’t make up, but I hope you enjoy it.

God bless Twitter.

God bless the internet, in general. God bless almost 3 year old ABC News stories. God bless the absolutely ridiculous and, I’m guessing, completely fabricated tale from the late 1980’s.

So, I follow a professional football player on Twit Twit named Brendon Ayanbadejo (pronounced exactly how it looks) from the Baltimore Ravens. I started following him before the Presi election. He’s a man with a lot to say and one thing he was saying was equal marriage for all. I started following him for that. But this relationship of follower to followee has benefited myself a couple times, but none more than this.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/teen-girl-vagina-pregnant-sperm-survival-oral-sex/story?id=9732562#.UL1nQIXs79y

You can almost see it by reading between the dashes, but the link says…

TEEN GIRL with NO VAGINA pregnant by SPERM SURVIVAL from ORAL SEX

First thing first…

HALLELUJAH!!!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!!

Second thing… there is so much to glean from this headline. Girls can have no vaginas. Girls who have no vaginas can get pregnant. There’s a girl with no vagina still powering through life and giving out blowjobs, which really makes all you prude bitches who are not giving blowjobs look terrible. That’s like watching a one legged girl take the stairs while you and your two legs take the elevator. So, let’s get to this Thanksgiving feast of hilarity already.

Per you-zhh, the article will be in bold and my questions/comments will be regular ass font.

Oral Sex, a Knife Fight and Then Sperm Still Impregnated Girl
By LAUREN COX
Feb. 3, 2010—

Thank you, Lauren … Cox … for this sperm survival, oral sex, no vagina… AND NOW A KNIFE FIGHT… story.

A strange tale of oral sex, a knife fight and the most unlikely of pregnancies recently brought to light by the blogosphere has doctors touting the triumphant persistence of sperm.

Can we just stop here and cast Kristen Stewart as this girl and Liam Neeson as the doctor who is put in charge of figuring this out and MAKE A BUTTLOAD OF MONEY AND LAUGHS?! Sorry, continue…

In 1988, a 15-year-old girl living in the small southern African nation of Lesotho came to local doctors with all the symptoms of a woman in labor. But the doctors were quickly puzzled because, upon examination, she didn’t have a vagina.

BOOM!

She didn’t have a vagina?! That would have thrown me for a loop. I’ll tell you that. First thought out of my brain would’ve been – alien. The girl is an alien from another planet and she was dropped on this Earth for this very moment to test a human’s reasoning and decide if this planet is worth inhabiting or not. First thought would’ve been exactly that. And/or MONSTER!!!!! AND THEN RAN! That may have happened too.

Also, is anyone else picturing everybody wearing neon? I am. It’s 1988 and vagina or no vagina people wore neon. I’m sure neon had made its way to Africa by 1988.

“Inspection of the vulva showed no vagina, only a shallow skin dimple,” so doctors delivered a healthy baby boy via Caesarean, the authors wrote in a case report published in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Inspection of the vulva showed no vagina? How about inspection of the vagina showed no vagina? Isn’t this something they would have noticed with their eyes like immediately? In my head, this is how it would’ve gone down…

Oh shit, 15 year old girl, you’re pregnant and it’s coming now? Let’s get you on this table and get your legs in these stirrups, ok? Take your pants off… WHERE’S YOUR VAGINA?! How is it possible for you to not have a vagina?!

Or…

Did the girl just waltz into the hospital yelling, “I’m giving birth! Side note: I don’t have a vagina, so you might want to get the operating room prepped for a C-section-izzle. Ok?”

And “skin dimple” in this situation is fucking douche chills and then some.

Her birth defect — called Mullerian agenesis or Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome — didn’t necessarily surprise doctors, but her pregnancy did. Even the 15-year-old girl could not believe she was pregnant.

These are some calm ass doctors if having no vagina didn’t faze them. I’ve seen doctors fazed by something a lot more common than that in my day.

Yet by looking at her records the hospital staff realized the young woman was in the hospital 278 days earlier with a knife wound to her stomach. The average pregnancy lasts 280 days. After interviews, they gathered that “Just before she was stabbed in the abdomen she had practiced fellatio with her new boyfriend and was caught in the act by her former lover. The fight with knives ensued.”

WOAH NELLY! What?! You need to prepare someone before you just unload all that exposition on them. There is so much happening in this article. Are you telling me this girl who was born with no vagina has two boyfriends? Who was guessing that? There are girls with a good to great vaginas that have no boyfriend let alone two. Also, can you believe how angry you would be dating the girl with no vagina and then she is trifling too? I might stab her too. I would naturally assume, wrongly, that the girl with no vagina would faithful to a man, but I guess not.

But now that I think of it… she has no vagina. Is it easier for her to lose interest in a guy because they’re not actually banging? He’s not getting her off, for one.

The girl arrived at the hospital with an empty stomach — and therefore with little stomach acid around — and doctors found two holes from a stab wound that opened her stomach up to her abdominal cavity. The case report said doctors washed her stomach out with a salt solution and stitched her up.

Fair enough. What happened with the two dudes though? I guess we’ve bigger fish to fry in this article than the well being of male stab victims.

“A plausible explanation for this pregnancy is that spermatozoa gained access to the reproductive organs via the injured gastrointestinal tract,” the authors wrote.

PLAUSIBLE?!

Also, “spermatozoa” sounds like the most awful villain the Power Rangers had to fight. On the next X rated episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Kimberly gets preggerz!

Infertility experts note the story, which resurfaced on a Discovery magazine blog, is not only a testament to Murphy’s Law but one to arguably nature’s most impressive swimmers: sperm.

Yeah, I’d like to see Michael Phelps lose in the 100m butterfly to a shot of jizz.

How Could Sperm Survive Those Conditions?

“Here’s an unbelievable set of coincidences,” said Dr. Richard Paulson, head of the University of Southern California Fertility Program in Los Angeles. “But it’s totally plausible.”

Sounds like the opening of the movie “Magnolia”. Next time, Paul Thomas Anderson, you don’t need frogs raining from the sky – you need bitches get pregnant from swallowing and stabbing.

Although doctors know that sperm needs a low acid (high pH) environment to survive, and would likely die eventually in the low pH of stomach acid, doctors also said that sperm comes in a protective fluid: ejaculate, a nourishing medium meant to protect the sperm.

Hear that, ladies and gents. “Nourishing”.

Besides, “out of hundreds of millions of sperm if you knock out 90 percent of them, you’re still going to have tens of millions of sperm,” said Dr. Peter Schlegel, chairman of urology at New York Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center in New York.

Same rationale used in China for their amazingly low safety standards on everything. I walked by numerous construction “sites” where guys on ladders on the sidewalk were using power tools that were shooting off sparks and people were walking on the same sidewalk right by the ladders with the sparks coming down on them like it was the end of “The Natural”. At the same time, I also got to descend from the Great Wall of China on a plastic go-kart, so sometimes it worked it everyone’s favor.

Paulson agreed.

Of course he did. Fucking creep.

“Sperm are pretty hardy,” said Paulson, who pointed out that sperm must make it out of the acidic environment of the vagina before reaching more friendly territory at the cervix and in the uterus. Once in the abdominal wall, Paulson estimated that the sperm could survive for days.

Sperms are “hardy”. Let that sink in. Have you eaten lunch? Will you ever use the term “hardy” again to describe food again because of this? Campbell’s Chunky Soup seems so much weirder now that he described sperm as “hardy”.

By the way, I just love picturing this phantom image of Lauren Cox typing away at that her own vagina is a dangerous acidic environment, but her cervix is “friendly territory”.

“It’s a long way from the stomach into the lower abdomen, it’s a heck of a trip, but they made it,” said Paulson. “You just need sperm somewhere in the area of an egg.”

Some where?! It sounds like we’re talking about citronella candles and mosquitoes. By the way, I spelled citronella right on the first try, but misspelled mosquitoes. Didn’t know there was an “e”.

Is anyone else thinking what I’m thinking? If someone shot a load inside of you in the past week, sperm is every where in your body right now. It’s in your brain!

Paulson said in the early days of fertility treatments in the 1980s, doctors injected sperm in the lower abdomen hoping for the coincidental encounter with an egg. The procedure, called DIPI or direct intraperitoneal insemination, has largely been replaced by more effective methods.

I WOULD HOPE SO!

They were just stabbing chicks with needles of cum and wishing on eyelashes that it would turn these unlucky bitches pregnant? That’s insane! And people think we’re living in a worse time now? If you go to a doctor now, they know what they’re doing. You go to a doctor in the “80’s” and they’re just doing whatever they think of next. This sounds like a scrapped episode of “House” at this point.

Hey, “doctor”, remember when you stabbed me in the gut with that needle of man seed and I didn’t get pregnant? What’s option B?

Well, I guess we could try the thigh next. That’s pretty close to the vagina too. I’m sure those “hardy” sperm swimmers can make that trip. Probably anyway.

The Lengths Sperm Can Travel

Schlegel pointed out that although fertilization typically takes place in the fallopian tubes, doctors know that sperm can normally swim up and out of the reproductive organs into the abdominal cavity.

Like I said… EVERYWHERE!

Sperm ain’t got no rules. They do whatever the fuck they want like a several million little white honey badgers that shoot out of the tip of a man’s erect penis. Exactly like that. Exactly.

“The sperm are naturally there at times, and eggs are naturally there,” said Schlegel. “Eggs are released from the ovary, and they sort of dance around before they get taken up by the fallopian tube.”

DANCE?! “Sort of dance”?! Who was giving out medical degrees in the 80’s or the 70’s for that matter? I bet a week on WebMD could have gotten you a passing grade on all of med school in any decade besides the last two.

Sperm Can Swim Far in the Female Body

So it seems, Schlegel concluded, that the sperm could also be taken up by the fallopian tube, as could a fertilized egg.

But some doctors are still suspicious of, or at least bewildered by the tale.

YOU DON’T SAY! NO FUCKING SHIT!

Doctors aren’t universally sold on the chick with no vagina getting stabbed in the stomach and a batch of baby batter from a week old blowjay trekked her abdomen and, eventually, impregnated her?! Get the fuck outta here.

The girl’s birth defect is well known and by age 15, doctors say most girls would have been doubling over in pain with an abdomen filled with menstrual fluid that cannot escape.

HOLY GOD! Well, that’s the worst voodoo curse I can imagine – “an abdomen filled with menstrual fluid that cannot escape”.

Is there anything that those dumbass 80’s doctors do for a person in a “well known” situation like that? Or do they just let her fill up with so much blood she eventually gets a ballooned up looking like the Kool-Aid man and explodes like a water balloon aka how Stephen Dorff dies at the end of “Blade”?

The menstrual fluid of several periods would make it even more unlikely for a pregnancy to occur.

“She’d have pain all the time and would have a stomach full of blood all the time, and would have to be operated on, or she would eventually die,” said Dr. Sherman J. Silber, director of the infertility center of Saint Louis at St. Luke’s Hospital in Missouri.

AND… she’s still giving out blowjobs like no one’s business! This girl is a trooper. Belly filled with menstrual blood and giving head to two guys in Africa and engaging in knife fights. This girl is living what is internationally referred to as “la vida loca”.

Dr. Howard A. Zacur, a reproductive endocrinologist at Johns Hopkins, also had doubts. “The case report here suffers from the fact that an individual with a completely obstructed vaginal outlet would have been expected to have blood accumulation in the vagina, and/or uterus,” he wrote in an e-mail.

No shit, Doc Zacur. We got that from the last person. Tell us something we didn’t know, Mr. e-mail. Fucking nerd.

The authors of the report guessed a pregnancy could only be possible if the girl had ovulated once or at most twice before her pregnancy.

What about the nonsense of sperm traveling from stomach wounds into her cervix?

Whatever the true story of the woman, and her now grown son, Silber said it could send a message to ordinary couples planning pregnancy.

By the way, HOW ON EARTH has no one just said what we’re all thinking? Immaculate conception. That this kid is the new Jesus. Right?! A 15 year old girl wonders into a hospital with no vagina, no belly full of menstrual blood, and pregnant with no good reason why. Sounds a little like a similarly young girl who gave out totally less blowjobs getting preggers because God made it so and delivering it in a manger. RIGHT?!

Jesus started being “Jesus” when he was in his dirty 30’s, so let’s keep an eye or 18 on this kid and his birthday in 2018.

Why Doubt the Longevity of Sperm?

“This story is a crazy story, and there’s no way to make sense of it,” said Silber. “But the data on sperm is that normally it’s quite good in an alkaline environment for two or three days — that’s why the average couple wastes a lot of energy when they’re trying to get pregnant.”

“Wastes”? I usually associate “alkaline” with batteries not vaginas, so maybe I’m not getting what’s going on. Either way, I don’t know about you, Silber, but I wouldn’t say the time I spent fucking is wasted. Also time you spent fucking condomless and blasting away inside a woman you are really sure you want to get pregnant. Sounds like that is time well spent.

Silber said he sees many couples who buy into the idea that they should time sex to coincide with the woman’s ovulation. But Silber said the remarkable survivability of sperm means most couples don’t have to change their normal sex lives at all.

“The average American married couple tends to have sex two or three days a week,” said Silber, author of “How to Get Pregnant.”

If sperm can survive for two or three days, that means the average sex life of an American married couple results in living sperm swimming around the woman’s body every single day of the week.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Are you more freaked out now from that or from any of the chest bursting/birthing scenes from the Alien movies? Girls are just filled to the brim with sperm. Used/spent/old sperm. You girls are fucking disgusting. That’s so weird. Ugh. How many possible showers are you going to take when you get home knowing that you’ve got days old sperm EVERYWHERE and have for years.

So, for years, guys have told other guys that anecdotal idea that if they’re nervous talking to women that they need to picture them doing something like pooping to kind of chip away at that porcelain exterior we naturally give girls when we’re attracted to them.

Well now… just remember that beautiful girl in the pretty dress with that Sunny disposition and that delightful laugh… she’s covered in SPERM!

That should knock her off that pedestal.

“The practice to check when you ovulate and not to have sex until you’re ovulating is stupid,” Silber said.

Yeah, stupid. A doctor called you stupid. Hahahah, stupid.

Silber said because ovulation calendars and methods to detect ovulation are somewhat inaccurate, couples could miss ovulation and have sex too late.

First, sex is never late.

Second, sex is always right on time.

“Twelve hours after ovulation, the eggs aren’t good any more. You want to have the sperm there ready and waiting for when you ovulated,” said Silber. “It’s absolutely true that sperm can last a long time.”

Honey, I’m just going to dose you with a few cups of my sperm I have lying around and that should do the trick of getting you pregnant anywhere from now until 3 days from now when I’ll hose you down with another couple dozen batches.

Getting pregnant became so much less scientific than it was before. Before, I thought the penis went into the vagina, skeeted, and magic happened. Now, a guy could jerk off on a pair of socks, throw them in the hamper to get washed, girl has run out of clean socks and accidentally puts on the sullied socks, and flash forward a couple days later – she’s pregnant.

So, I think this whole story has gotten tied up nicely with a bow covered in semen, but I do have one question, ONE QUESTION, that I would like to ask and/or know if the doctors asked it…

Is it possible, it’s a “butt baby”?

..

.

C’MON!

Is that more or less ridiculous than her blowjobbing a dude, getting stabbed, and the sperm from the stomach making its way to an egg somewhere in her body to get pregnant?

I’m saying, anal sex and then followed by God knows what else, but how is that more ridiculous than the blowjob?

And what, you don’t think the girl who has no vagina hasn’t had anal sex? GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! Of course, she’s had anal sex. If you’re going to say, “she’s only 15”. Well, she’s finding the time to fight through a belly full of menstrual fluid to blow different guys in the same tiny African nation I’ve never heard of. That chick has had anal sex and a baby could have happened from that too. How “alkaline” is a girl’s butthole? I don’t know. You tell me, doctors!

That’s what I got.

You’re welcome.

5 Responses to “KSWI M.D. Presents: SPERM IS MAGIC and/or Doctors in the 80’s were LIARS”

  1. Remember that part of The Matrix where Agent Smith sticks his hand into Neo, and slowly starts taking over his entire body? That’s what’s happening in my brain right now, but Agent Smith=sperm and Neo=laaaaadies.

    I feel like if I look in the mirror, I’ll see sperms coming out of my eyes right now.

  2. Kim said

    Wow — you win the internet today for that post! Like the commenter above, my brain is swimming in nourishing, hardy sperm …..

  3. PWG said

    There was a book called Bailey’s Cafe, by Gloria Naylor, written in 1993. Pretty much the same story in it, except they really highlighted the immaculate conception angle. Also, I had to rigidly silent laugh throughout this whole post because I’m at work. I think I gave myself a mini-stroke like Malcom in the Middle.

  4. NixHaw said

    Neon had definitely made it to Africa by the 80s, but Lesotho? Lesotho is a tiny kingdom surrounded by impassable mountains and snow, like that scene in Lord of the Rings where Saruman is trying to bring down the mountain on the Fellowship only more and circular.

    Also, this post has made my week. Once again, thank you Jordan san.

  5. what a curious mind-blowing phenomenon !

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