High Fashion Disney Princesses Just Seem Like High Maintenance Bitches

December 5, 2012

Yep, it’s going to be one of those days.

Yesterday, I, more or less, set the world on fire with an African tale of knife fighting, immaculate conception, blowjobs galore, and not a one vagina.

Today, I’m digging up an article I saw last week on Buzzfeed that has some pretty pictures that tell some not-so-pretty tales. This is Buzzfeed’s summation of what you’ll see…

The London department store Harrods went with quite the magical theme for its Christmas displays this year. But before the looks were ready to be displayed on mannequins in-store, Harrods Magazine did a photo-shoot to share these gowns with all its readers.

Thanks, Harrods! I’ve been waiting for this… for… never. I didn’t know people still cared about Harrods. I didn’t know Harrods had a magazine. I didn’t know that anyone gave a flying F that mannequins were wearing anything in particular for Christmas or any other holiday and that it could have so much pull that it would need to be immortalized in fantastical pictures in a magazine that I’m beyond shocked exists and is read by anyone.

When they say “magazine”, do they mean “catalog”? Cause I’ve seen some catalogs in my day from J. Crew, Macy’s, and, of course, Victoria’s Secret. The “secret”? THEY’RE ALL IN THEIR UNDERWEARS! Anyway…

I like this idea in theory that Harrods is dressing up chicks to look like Disney Princesses. Listen, I love cosplay. I would say there isn’t two days that go by that I don’t look at some cosplay or another. In fact, I started going to and continue to go to a website because they have new cosplay galleries on Tuesday and Friday. I’m a fan. So, Harrods doing cosplay? Why not. I’m on board.

Well, I was until I saw these damn pictures. Spoiler alert: they look terrible. A Disney Princess is usually a skirt that has wars fought for her, a few have fought in a war or two, people are doing the impossible for them or with them… meanwhile, these chicks look clueless and not worth effort at all.

First thing first, LOOK AT THAT BABY DEER! GET IT! GET ME THAT BABY DEER! I WOULD HOLD IT IN MY ARMS LIKE A PUPPY AND I WOULD FEED IT WITH A BABY BOTTLE OF MILK BECAUSE IT’S A BAY-BEE AND I LOVE IT! I WOULD GIVE IT A NAME! A NAME LIKE JONATHAN SWIFT BECAUSE DEER ARE SWIFT AND HE’S A GREAT WRITER, BUT I WOULDN’T CALL HIM JONATHAN SWIFT. I’D PROBABLY JUST CALL THE DEER “MITTENS”, WHICH WOULD TURN INTO “I’M SMITTENS WITH MITTENS” AND THEN MAYBE JUST INTO “SMITTENS” AND THEN EVENTUALLY I’D BE RUNNING AROUND THE BACKYARD PLAYING WITH MY BUDDY “SMITTY”. I LOVE YOU, SMITTY.

Second thing second, it looks like they took Kat Dennings and then removed her boobs. By the way, doing such is treasonous to all of humanity from the beginning to the end of time, and has a punishment of being dropped out of a space shuttle at 1,000,000 feet with no clothes on.

This is one of the least offensive of the pictures. But does this chick have the feel of “Snow White”? She seems gloomy and almost post-goth. I mean Kristen Stewart’s Snow White was more or less a forest girl who gets awfully stabby every once and a while. This Snow White has a wicked witch if she dressed up as Snow White. I definitely don’t get a purity and innocence vibe from this model. Like when the 7 dwarves find her and go through her pockets they’ll find like a quarter ounce of coke.

Is she a leper?

Like a really classy leper? She looks really malnourished in this picture. I’ll admit that I’ve never seen “The Princess and the Frog”, so maybe she’s a malnourished leper who hangs out in canoes. I don’t know. She’s kind of frightening. I get the sense that this is less about a happy princess and more about a princess who drowned herself on her wedding day and now haunts this swampy river.

The girl and the dress seem fine in this, but this is the story of Rapunzel, right? Isn’t Rapunzel locked in some jail cell in a tower? Does that look like a jail cell? I feel like the guy who climbs up her hair to get her is going to to get in there and be like, “You want to leave this place? My condo isn’t half as nice as this place. If you think this is a jail cell then you’re really going to hate the decor of my one bedroom on the otherside of town. Like I could easily sublet my place and just move in. I mean look at this gold leaf on the walls! It must’ve cost a fortune.”

Also, you can clearly see out the window the tops of trees. It really doesn’t seem like a tower at all. Maybe Rapunzel was “trapped” on the second floor of someone’s French chateau.

Is she pooping?

Is she also a groupie from “Almost Famous”? Oh right, not a “groupie”. A “band aid”, right? Good movie. Either way, this is probably pretty historically accurate having Pocahontas just shitting in the woods on a tree marking her territory, but it’s not really as alluring as the Disney princess Pocahontas.

Also, it kind of reminds me of most Kesha music videos.

Whaaaaaaaaaa? You’re telling me this chick fought in a war? A ground troop good with a sword? I’m not half convinced this isn’t even a mannequin just surrounded by mist. Why is there mist? Was there a lot of mist in “Mulan”? I really don’t remember the movie outside of its pro-gender swapping agenda. I don’t think this girl could pass for a dude unless by “dude” you mean a “the fanciest, thin-wristed, 90 pound tike”. Mulan was a warrior and a tom boy. This lady would break something just looking at two people fight.

How in the Hell is this Jasmine? JASMINE?! First off, Jasmine wore a blue genie costume for the majority of that movie. Second, when was she just lazin’ about on overpasses? I don’t remember that part of the movie. I remember Jasmine as being this beautiful, sassy chick who wanted an adventure… and some street urchin D. This girl looks lifeless. They all look lifeless. It’s like she came off a bender of Xanax and found herself whacked out gazing into oblivion above a tunnel. How’d you get up there, girl? I wouldn’t waste a wish on this broad even with a million magic lamps.

Is that dress made of plastic bags? From my perspective, it appears Versace made a dress of plastic sheeting and put it on this girl and she tripped, fell, and they snapped a picture. She’s in the process of yelling at her assistant for getting her this stupid gig. This says “Cinderella” to someone at Harrods and/or Versace? Again, it kind of looks like a girl got whacked out on a bender of appletinis and pills and ended up falling and can’t get up. Just hanging out in the gutter in her plastic dress. Did these people see these Disney movies? Where’s the fucking color and lighting and the light up a room aspect of these women? Disney on heroin.

Bitch, what did you do?! You broke my chandelier? How is that even possible?! And you’re not even a little bit remorseful at all. I guess the yellow dress makes her seem like Belle, but if you didn’t tell me this was Bell from Beauty & The Beast, I wouldn’t assume that girl in yellow dress standing in dimly lit room with broken chandelier is supposed to be a Disney Classic. Where are the dancing and singing dinette sets? That’s what I want to know.

This is the best one by far… because her boobs look huge.

That’s it. Case closed. Aurora’s got a D cup. Well done, Harrod’s.

It must stink in there. Sure there are a lot of flowers, but she’s just sleeping in her own filth for years and all that ivy in a not so well ventilated room is going to smell. I bet those enormous boobs are covered in bed sores too. This one is ok, but I’d assume she was dead from the severity of this picture and not sleeping. And hire a gardener or something.

I never envisioned Paz De La Huerta in The Little Mermaid, but thanks to Harrod’s now we know what Ariel would look like strung out.

Also, where is the clam shell bra?

I think Harrod’s might need to watch these movies for a second or more likely a first time. They’re princesses; not junkies.

Advertisements

3 Responses to “High Fashion Disney Princesses Just Seem Like High Maintenance Bitches”

  1. Kim said

    These are all horrible, but Jasmine is by far the worst! I’m guessing Disney sanctioned this — wtf were they thinking. If not, Mohamed Al-Fayed’s got some ‘splaining to do to the Disney police!

  2. NixHaw said

    Ugh. I think Mulan is my least favourite here just coz Mulan kicked arse and that woman there doesn’t look like she could kick a bucket. Maybe she should try.

    But really all of these suck. Out loud.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: