A Giant Turtle Teaches Me How To Love Again

December 6, 2012

What?

Let’s talk turtles… NFL owned turtles.

TURTLES!!!!!

If you haven’t heard, the San Francisco 49ers have a new quarterback.

Up until a few weeks ago, Alex Smith was the resident on-again-off-again best option at QB for the gold and red of Frisco. But Smith took a headshot a few games ago that rattled his brain up good and he had a concussion and sat out the rest of that game and the next game. In his place, a big buck who likes the “Prince of Persia” with a shaved head strutted in and led the team to two victories…

COLIN KAEPERNICK

So, Colin won 2 games and then was put in as the starter when Alex was back and healthy. They lost that game, but it appears that the 49ers are sticking with the young ‘in.

Either way, thankfully, Colin’s family are on Twitter. Specifically, Colin’s dad – Rick.

Rick tweeted his son something that would be innocuous between them, but was eye-opening amazing to the rest of us. The tweet was that while Colin was away playing NFL football, Rick had fed Colin’s turtle and taken it for a walk.

Oh, that’s cool. Colin’s got a turtle. That’s not too weird. I know people who have turtles. I wonder what the turtle looks like. But… wait, he took it for a walk? Who walks a turtle? How big is this-

LOOK AT THAT TURTLE!!!!

That’s not even proper to call something that big a turtle. We should be calling that mofo a TORTOISE! That’s huge! Is Rick playing a joke? Is Rick just joshing the public now that his son is a huge public figure? Is this just some odd google image search of enormous ass turtle with a 49ers helmet on it? I mean I’ve seen some weird ass shit on the google. People take wild pictures. Who knows how many turtles are out there with football helmets on them? Sure that football helmet looks pretty legit. I mean it does looks exactly like a pro football helmet with the 49ers coloring. But you can buy stuff like that on the internet. I’ve seen people with prowrestling, WWF/WCW belts that look identical to the ones that Hulk Hogan was sporting around after dropping a few atomic leg drops on fools. And I’m not friends with anyone named The Undertake aka Taker. I wish I was. I really do. I would trade in at the very least half my friends and family for just one The Undertaker as a close buddy. I don’t even have to be his best friend. Maybe like a once a month thing. Like 12 times a year we get together and we split some of the holidays. Like July 4th. I get to hang out with The Undertaker on July 4th. I’m not asking for Christmas. But maybe one year. One year I get to spend Christmas with The Undertaker. Is that too much to ask? I’m willing to give up my only sibling for Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, and one or two Christmas/Thanksgiving/New Years with The Undertaker. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all. And a bunch of my friends too! I’m just saying, my one and only older sister, a bunch of my friends like 6 of them – I’ll never speak a single word to them again and unfriend them on Facebook and everything – for some quality bro time with the undefeated at Wrestlemania, phenom The Undertaker.

Turtles?

Oh right, I was talking about turtles. Colin Kaepernick’s dad Rick posting a turtle picture.

So, what’s the dizzle, Rick-izzle?

Is that really your kid’s turtle?

YOU BET YOUR ASS THAT’S HIS BIG ASS TURTLE! MOFO-ING TORTOISE!

I FUCKING LOVE IT!

So, the story goes that when Colin was 10, his parents bought him a turtle.

15 years later, Colin is the starting quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers and his turtle is THE KING OF ALL TURTLES!!!!! Look at that thing! It’s huge. It’s apparently 115 pounds, which is insane as well. That thing could almost fight in the UFC. The UFC’s lightest division is 125 – flyweight – but I’ve got faith in this turtle at getting on a strength and conditioning program and bulking up to 125. Cutting weight? Screw that. This turtle is going to be a lean and mean fighting machine at 125. And are you seriously going to question a turtle when it comes to martial arts?! EXCUSE ME! TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!

That turtle is 15 years old – teen. It’s clearly a fucking mutant – it’s 115 pounds with a strength and conditioning program on the way and a plan to bulk up 10 pounds of yoked muscle. The ninja? We can train it. There are gyms everywhere. He lives in San Francisco. UFC middleweight Jake Shields has a place in San Francisco. I think Strikeforce lightweight champion Gilbert Melendez does too. And those two guys are members of the Cesar Gracie team, which isn’t too far away in Stockton where Nick and Nate Diaz roll. I’m saying this turtle is the Skrap Pack’s new flyweight and he’s going to be tearing up the North Cal MMA scene before you know it.

BOOM! FUCKING BOOM, SON! WHAT, SON?! WE GOT FUCKING RAPHAEL ON A MISSION, SON! SET THE FLYWEIGHTS ON NOTICE ‘CAUSE TMNT IS KICKING THEIR ASSES IN THE COMING YEARS! WHAT?!

Woooo! I’m pumped for this.

Seriously though, I was on the fence about Colin Kaepernick before. I may buy his jersey now. I don’t even know. I thought he looked good in the first two games, but I wasn’t necessarily sold on what he was doing was anything truly beyond what Alex Smith could do. Sure, Kaepernick is faster than Smith and probably stronger too, but Smith has a ton of experience and has shown a lot of maturity and growth last year and this year. But… FUCK ALL OF THAT! Unless Alex Smith has a Bengal Tiger rolling around in his crib, I’m team Kaepernick from now on.

Turtle power.

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