KSWI EXCLUSIVE: Tearing Apart AskMen’s Top 99 Women of 2013 – 99-74

December 12, 2012

And by “exclusive”, I do mean you will only see my biased analysis of AskMen’s Top 99 Women of 2013 list HERE AND NOWHERE ELSE! … But I would gladly do it somewhere else, but no one asks me too. Wah wah wah.

Anyway… I did this last year. Hopefully, it won’t be as arduous of a process. Last time, I wrote way more than I expected to, which wasn’t too surprising because that happens about every day. Let’s see how it goes this time.

I would like to mention before we get underway that last year’s list indicated that AskMen is clearly a British based website or at the very least has way too many British people working for their website. We’ll see if they fired all of those people or not and see how many purely UK based chicks there are. Also, last year’s list was full of actual runway models that no straight man not named Kanye West would actually know the names of. So, I really didn’t think most of them “deserved” to be on the list because I don’t think any men were actually thinking about these women at anytime throughout the year.

Also, obviously, these chicks are hot. There is absolutely no reason for them not to be hot. This is not Forbes’ list or the rotting corpse of Immanuel Kant’s list of women of 2013; it’s the glorified slideshow website known as AskMen. So, I am definitely willing to admit I’m a highly superficial person and want to say all these women are totes attractive… but so are millions of others who are not on the list and I’m going to be discerning based on whether or not these women should be mentioned on a list summing up 2013.

Ok? Ok.

With that being said…

Here. We. Go.

#99 – Berenice Marlohe

“Skyfall” sssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeddddddd. SUCKED. It sucked. I never heard of this chick before “Skyfall” and I doubt I’ll see much of her after it. Ugh. Fuck you, AskMen, for reminding me of that awful movie “Skyfall” and how pointless all of it was including Berenice’s character. You do realize that it was a complete waste of time for Bond to have gone to meet her and meet Javier. He could’ve just sat by Judi Dench’s side with his gun trained on the door and waited for Javier to come in and then shot him. Also, her character was purely ridiculous with her being a sex slave who of course wants to bang Bond. AND… we didn’t even see her naked or anything. What a fucking waste. Stupid first pick by AskMen. 0-1.

#98 – Kim Kardashian

Love her. I’m completely biased about Kim Kardashian. I’m sorry if I don’t give a flying fuck if she’s annoying on her show or any of that or that she got famous because of a sex tape. I’m pretty sure if you’ve read this website before then you know I have a pretty steady crush on Kim Kardashian. I’m sorry! She’s like an anime version of Princess Jasmine come to life and we got to see her have sex and that was totally rad. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not head over heels with Emma Stone because she appears in quirky comedies and bones some tiny Brit who was easily the worst superhero of all time and am instead really interested in looking at the curvacious woman who gets down with the BBC. I’m just saying. Also, it looks like it would be hella fun hanging out with the Kardashian clan. Not sure about her being #98, but I like Kim.

#97 – Charlize Theron

Excellent choice. I’m not going to go into the #’s too much because my #’s would obviously be completely different. 2013 was a huge year for Charlize. Coming off the end of 2011 where Charlize was amazing in “Young Adult”, Charlize delivered in two big Summer blockbusters. I think Charlize was great in both “Prometheus” and “SWATH”. I have re-watched “Prometheus” several times this year and I think that movie delivered. It is a huge Summer spectacle and it is a dark sci-fi tale at the same time. Charlize and Fassbender steal any scenes they’re in in that movie. As for “SWATH”, Charlize rarely appears in the shitty hour of the movie that could easily be cut out. “SWATH” would have been an infinitely better movie if they removed the enormous section of the movie when Thor and the Wantess leave the forest and just cut to them in the snow and KStew eating the apple. Charlize is filming the remake/prequel/something of Mad Max with Tom Hardy. Wildly looking forward to that.

#96 – Ana Ivanovic

Gorgeous and a good tennis player, sure. Not really sure why Ana is on 2013’s list in particular though. She didn’t really do anything spectacular this year. She won a couple matches in the US Open, but didn’t come too close to winning it or anything. I’m not sure if this is an indication about AskMen being overly European. I like sports chicks. Maybe they’re predicting her to have a huge year next year. Random, but ok.

#95 – Kate Moss

Ugh. Never been a fan. Not sure why I would be either.

I do think this obviously points to AskMen being super British.

Next…

#94 – Amrita Acharia

Who?

#93 – Katie Holmes

Really? She’s single, so I guess that’s a reason to put her on this list. Is that a reason? Is that the only reason? Katie’s still good looking and all, but her big contribution to the year 2012 was divorcing Tom Cruise, so I assume that means she’ll be highly desirable next year because she’s single and looking to mingle in her dirty thirties. Sounds like a stretch to me.

#92 – Paulina Gretzky

Honestly, I approve of this. With instagram and twitter becoming media giants over the past year, I do think that people who are famous because of those two things should be on this list. More so than some of these other people already mentioned. When was the last time Katie Holmes instagramed a picture of herself partying and falling out of a bikini? When was the last time Kate Moss took a cleavy pic… oh wait she really can’t. Anyway, Paulina as her last name suggests is Wayne “The Great One” Gretzky’s daughter. As you may remember, Wayne’s wife is a former beautiful blonde model/actress, so not surprisingly they had a hot blonde daughter who grew up as a party girl with her dad’s money and is now giving us a peak at that Entourage life she leads as well as her nips. So, she’s doing yeoman’s work basically. Thank you, Paulina.

#91 – Rocsi

No clue. I did read in her bio that she’s the host of “106 & Park” which is a music video countdown show on BET. I know the show, I know the channel, but that’s kind of where it stops. I think the only time I’ve turn BET on in the past two decades has been to watch episodes of “The Game” because a former roommate/friend is a reoccurring character on the show. Rocsi looks cute. I guess BET is going to have a big 2013. Good for them.

#90 – Jenna Marbles

Fuck yes. If you don’t know Jenna then you don’t know the internet too well. Jenna is a Youtube superstar. She’s a bawdy Boston blonde who can be very funny. I won’t lie, I’ll watch a video or two and love her and then I’ll get to video 3 or 4 and I’ll start thinking about putting a screwdriver through my ear drum. Nevertheless, she should definitely be on this list. If you check out her youtube page, every video has multi-million views and she’s funny. She’s self-deprecating, she’s crazy, she uses her dogs in a lot of bits, and she’s probably going to have her own TV show next year. Good choice, AskMen.

#89 – Aubrey Plaza

Most definitely. MOST DEFINITELY! There really isn’t any better show on TV than “Parks & Rec”. Plus, Aubrey was in one of the better movies to come out this year in the indie romantic comedy sci-fi movie “Safety Not Guaranteed”. Love this choice.

#88 – Shailene Woodley

Remember her from last year? Along the same lines as yesterday’s post about Hailee Steinfeld, last year we had around this time the movie “The Descendants” which Shailene was easily the best part of. Between being in a bikini the entire movie as well as acting against and just as well as George Clooney for two hours – best part of that movie by far. But Shailene didn’t appear in a single movie this year. Over the next couple years, she’s got several movies lined up. One is the sequel to the God awful Spider-Man movie from this year where she’ll play Mary Jane Watson. The other three movies? Who knows. One is directed by Neil Burger and is set in the future, so that could be something. Anyway, I do like this choice. We’ll see if Hollywood can put her into anything worth watching. But she should be back into focus in 2013, so I guess good job AskMen.

#87 – Bar Paly

Who? Again? Well, she’s a model – shocking – and she’s on an MTV show I’ve never heard of. She’s supposed to be in two movies coming out next year, which I’m not sure how big those roles are, but good for you, Bar. Also, she’s from Israel and her name is Bar, and, of course, there is Bar Refaeli, so is every hot chick named Bar over there? I’m sure the original Bar is on this list, but this new Bar is pretty pretty herself. Good luck to you, Bar Paly, in your acting efforts next year. No clue how AskMen knew who you were. I don’t even know if I’ve turned MTV on in the past 6 months.

#86 – Imogen Poots

Brits. I do love this chick’s name. POOTS! Anyway, she has been acting kind of consistently although I don’t think she’s really famous in the US. Nevertheless, I guess she’s got more for us next year and she’s a famous young Brit actress, so why not. She’s from London, mate. Or something. What do they say over there? Oh yeah, crisps! Ayo, Poots. Want some crisps?!

#85 – Nadezhda Tolokonnikova

I like this choice, I like it a lot. Say it with me… PUSSY RIOT! No band has a better band name than Pussy Riot. It’s almost inconceivable that hasn’t been a band name before because it is so fucking amazing. I bet every band wishes they had the balls to name their band Pussy Riot. Of course, it didn’t take balls – it took actually having pus… vaginas to do it. So, if you don’t know about Pussy Riot then you missed one of the best stories of this year that wasn’t involved in the Olympics or Obama getting re-elected. PUSSY RIOT!

#84 – Olivia Thirlby

Kind of a British choice because I don’t think anyone in America besides me and like 150 other people actually saw the newest Judge Dredd movie. Judge Dredd is British – if you didn’t know. Anyway, the jailbait from “Juno” is still playing good looking chicks in movies and was arguably the best part of the slow-mo gory action movie “Dredd 3D”. I like Thirlby as an attractive creature of humanity and as an actress. I didn’t see the Lena Dunham movie that Thirlby was in because it didn’t come out in theaters anywhere near here and also it got horrible reviews, but I bet she was decent in it. She’s got a Parker Posey look to her, she’s from la ciudad de Nueva York and she’s got 4 movies coming out next year, so I love this choice. As for “Dredd 3D”, don’t rush unless you’ve got a blood lust. I’d much much much much rather you see “The Raid: Redemption” if you’re looking for an action movie. But if you’ve seen that then see “Dredd 3D” I guess. She is good and the rest is kind of average.

#83 – Rose Byrne

Sure, why not, I guess. She’s been fine in just about anything I’ve seen her in, which off the top of my head is “X-Men: First Class” (ok) and “Bridesmaids” (very good). She’s in a potentially very funny movie coming out next year called “The Internship” but I’m sure the other people in it like Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson will all be much bigger roles. Yeah, why not.

I know we’re only in the 80’s, but there better be a ton of Olympics chicks on this list. Like a literal ton. We weigh them altogether and they equal 2000+ pounds of Olympic chicks.

#82 – Liu Wen

Uhhhhh… where’s the other half of this lady? I don’t who she is by name. Oh ok, she’s a runway model … and next.

#81 – Iggy Azalea

By Iggy Whoever, do they mean Lady Gaga? Because I know who Lady Gaga is. So, she’s an Australian rapper or something and she’s got an album that I will never listen to coming out next year. SWEET. Definitely worth this spot on the list. I will give them an A for effort in making me really use their glossary to find out who these broads are. If we don’t all die in the next week or so because of the impending apocalypse then 2013 will be a really interesting year with all these no name skirts coming out of the wood work to take the world by storm.

#80 – Tina Fey

Arguably, the least flattering photo I’ve seen of Tina Fey in maybe forever. What the Hell? Where are her boobs for one? In every other picture, Tina’s boobs are on the verge of choking her. So, there’s that. Second she looks thoroughly un-into this picture. This isn’t even a snarky smirk. It’s like the person who is taking the picture keeps calling her “Tanya” instead of “Tina” and she’s giving up correcting them. Anyway…

Yeah, Tina is a sexy lady and talented. I couldn’t give any less of a fuck about “30 Rock” anymore, but I am excited to see her do something else. First off, whatever she does do it can’t be worse than “Baby’s Momma”. Everything is up after that. Tina is very funny and creative and I’m sure we have many more years of her being successful ahead of us.

#79 – Tracy Spiridakos

It’s the chick from “Revolution”. She’s definitely really hot in the commercials in that blue tube top and leather jacket in the most uninteresting apocalyptic scenario television show. I haven’t watched a single second of “Revolution” that isn’t being shown in an advertisement format and I don’t intend on changing that. The show is doing great ratings wise and she definitely should be on this list. Most new TV shows are failing left and right, especially the ones not on CBS. So, good to Tracy and her boobs and her TV show.

#78 – Joan Smalls

Well, Joan, I’m sure you’re a lovely person who oft wears bedazzled bikinis, but I don’t know who you are nor do I expect to know more about you other than the paragraph I just read. I had no idea MTV had so many TV shows I didn’t know the name of. “House of Style”? Go figure. Good for you, Joan. Continued success and all that.

#77 – Cassie

What is happening in this picture? I can’t think of many storylines for this picture that don’t involve like a rape fantasy or something and that’s kind of weird. Bondage outfit, clutching at the curtains, our vantage point is a dominant over top of her pose? Am I the only one… ok. Nevermind. So, Cassie’s the same Cassie from P. Diddy fame and good for her. She’s got a new album – shocking – and I guess that means a lot to the people at AskMen. Sexy lady and all.

#76 – Jessica Chastain

I’ve seen a million better pictures of Jessica Chastain, but this one is colorful, so I guess that’s something. I do like Jessica Chastain a lot. Very pretty and a good actress. She’ll probably be in a 1000 movies, so good choice. She’s in the “Zero Dark Thirty” movie which is getting obscenely good reviews. I feel like I have to see it even though I’m really not too interested in a dramatized Homeland-like account of the Osama Bin Laden killing. She has an interesting project double feature coming up called “The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby” that has a “his” version and a “hers” version. She plays the title character.

#75 – Carly Rae Jepsen

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Can’t argue with this. “Call Me Maybe” was absolutely fucking unstoppable this year. You could stick your fingers in your ears and yelled for all of this year and still would have heard “Call Me Maybe” and known all the lyrics. Every person and their dead great grandmother did a lip sync video or an acoustic or a dub-step version of the song too. It caught on like a herpes of the everything. It was unbelievable. I’ll even admit that I got her album. I listened to it and I mentioned in a previous post “Tiny Little Bows” is a good song and the title track “The Kiss” is also good. But the rest is kind of worthless garbage. I get that I’m not the target audience, but I have an open mind but I don’t have enough Teen Beat pictorials taped to my walls to enjoy the majority of the album. 2012 was a huge year for Carly and 2013 will probably be a big one as well. We absolutely love catchy pop songs, so Carly’s got a place for as long as she can keep cranking out a new jingle once every 6 months. Good luck, Carly.

#74 – Chloe Wilde

No idea.

I think she works for AskMen actually.

So, if it wasn’t clear to you, Chloe, that all your co-workers want to bang you then THEY WANT TO BANG YOU.

Cheers.

And that is 99 – 74. I’ll get to the rest of them soon enough.

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