KSWI EXCLUSIVE: Tearing Apart AskMen’s Top 99 Women of 2013 – 73-48

December 13, 2012

And we’re back from that, I assume, 24 hour hiatus.

Let’s get right back into this list!

Actually!

Let’s not get right back into this – things change pretty quickly around here – I want to make a musical sidenote. Please indulge me for a moment…

I hate BON JOVI way less than AEROSMITH.

I don’t think this is because I’m from New Jersey because technically I’m not from New Jersey although I carry this state on my motherfucking back like I’m 10 generations strong up in this. Let me also make the comment that I absolutely HATE Bon Jovi and Aerosmith. But I don’t think there is a popular band that I hate more than Aerosmith. Nickelback? Nope. Not by a long shot. I HATE AEROSMITH. Like genuinely hate the people involved in that band. Like Liv Tyler and I would never be able to be together because of it. If she mentioned her dad, I would say I hate him like I had tourette’s. It’s just how I’m built.

I bring this up because hurricane Sandy’s 12-12-12 concert was last night and seeing Bon Jovi irks me, but if it was Steven Tyler… ugh. I just can’t listen to them. What’s the GOOD song by Aerosmith? “Dream On”? Is that it? One song? What’s the second song? If I give you “Dream On”, can you name a second song? And if you’re about to say “Walk This Way” then you’re dead wrong. Terrible song. Worst thing Run-DMC ever did. Hmmm… ok, I’m done. I hate Aerosmith.

Now, let’s get back to the list…

#73 – Lindsey Vonn

Love it. Love the picture. Love that she’s wearing a Red Bull necklace. Love everything about this. Let me tell you something, I love sports. Let me tell you another something, I love chicks. Let me tell you something else that’s something, I love watching people who are good at sports as well as I love watching good looking chicks – not in an illegal way or anything. So, you put that together and it’s amazing. I love peanut butter, I love chocolate, and Reese’s peanut butter cups are magnificent. So, ie eg vis-a-vis, hot sports chicks are wonderful. And not to keep harping on this, but I really don’t care about some random runway model for Vera Wang. Meanwhile, I’ve forced myself to watch skiing because of Lindsey Vonn. So, there’s that.

#72 – Rachel Weisz

I’m a fan. Great actress and foxy as Hell. It’s been several years since she’s been in anything good. I’m not really looking forward to that Oz movie she’s doing, but whatever. As of right now, Rachel and Tina are the eldest sex pots we got on this list at 42 years old. I wonder how old this list will go. I just read that she’s married to Daniel Craig. HAHAHAHAH… I didn’t know that AT ALL. That’s hilarious. How did I not know that? Whatever. Anyway, “The Constant Gardener” is a great movie and I’m a big fan of “The Shape of Things” with her, Paul Rudd, and Gretchen Mol. Good pick.

#71 – Lana Del Rey

I have never heard a single second of a single song of Lana’s. I will say I’ve seen just about every picture she’s taken for any magazine or website. Very attractive. She’s got this pouty French girl face and she looks like a tall drink of raspberry lemonade. With all of that, I still have no feeling whatsoever about hearing her songs. The first time I had even heard her name was after Brian Williams tore apart her SNL appearance. I didn’t even know she was a singer or that she was going to be on SNL. First thing I knew of her, Brian Williams thought she was terrible. Kind of started and stopped there. Pretty very pretty and I do know people who like her music or have seen people say they do, so there’s that. Keep doing what you’re doing, Lana, it seems to be working for you.

#70 – Genesis Rodriguez

This woman. Wow. WOW. I’m not sure there are better looking people on the planet than her. She’s distractingly beautiful in “Casa de Mi Padre” with Will Ferrell, which I thought was good movie. I’m not sure I’ll see her in too much more. She’s in a lot of Telemundo shows and she’s been in some other movies, but I’m not planning on seeing “Man on a Ledge” ever in my life. Gorgeous though. I saw her interviewed on Letterman or Conan and just hypnotic. Good luck with that. If I had to make a comparison between my looks and Genesis’ looks then I would say it’s like choosing between an apple and an insanely beautiful hispanic woman.

#69 – Lucy Liu

Big fans of “Elementary” I guess. Lucy’s great looking and I loved her in “Kill Bill”, but I’m not watching “Elementary” unless there’s a chance you might execute one of my dogs if I don’t. Also, I liked “Hackers” and “Trainspotting” a lot, so it’s not Johnny Lee Miller so much as that I just can’t stand the idea of the TV show. I didn’t like “House”, so I’m not going to like the ripoff of “House”. Also, if you’re keeping track… Lucy is 44. I know! Great looking.

#68 – Paula Patton

I’m equal parts “FUCK ROBIN THICKE” and “I have undying respect for Robin Thicke”. One kind of is because of the other. If you didn’t know, Paula and Robin are a bit of an item. And by item, I mean he’s been having consensual sex with Paula for the better part of a decade, made it legal, and even put a kid in her. Unbelievable. It was nice to see Paula in “Ghost Protocol” last year. Just a stunning woman. Seemingly much of that cast is coming back for “Mission: Impossible 5” with Christopher McQuarrie as director. Absolutely looking forward to that. Anyway, yeah, Paula’s a good pick.

#67 – Bipasha Basu

I’ll take your word for it, AskMen. This picture leads me to believe she’s fucking hot. Am I right?! AM I LEFT?! And the obvious Indian name makes me instantly think Bollywood because I’m so fucking clever like that. AND… she is from Bollywood. Ok. So, I have only really sat down and watched “Dhoom 2”, so unless she was in that then I don’t know her. Nevertheless, she’s great looking and I like the diversity.

#66 – Morena Baccarin

Morena is an excellent actress. And by “excellent actress” I mean I love when she takes her clothes off on “Homeland”. Actually, she is good on “Homeland”, but her character is stuck in a fucking rut as well as almost every character on that show. We get it! Her and Brody have problems. First of all, she calls him “Brody”. Lady! Your last name is Brody too! Your married! Either way, everyone is watching “Homeland” and she’s the hot wife on “Homeland”, so I like this pick a lot. She’s Brazilian, by the way. And she told a great story on Conan that she got to meet President Obama and he said that his favorite show was “Homeland” and then Morena’s husband (lucky motherfucker) told Morena that means that the President of the United States of America has seen her naked. YES! OBAMA!!!!!!!! I LOVE LIFE!

#65 – Leryn Franco

She is hot and she is an athlete, so I do like this pick. I won’t lie about that. It’s definitely a good one… BUT… I do want to say that there are athletes who are hot who are actually quite good at their particular sport. Leryn’s better than most people in the world will ever be at javelin, but she’s not the best amongst other javelin-ers. I can think of at least several gold medal winners that NEED to be on this list. I’ll just keep waiting. Still got a bunch more to go. Anyway, I do like the effort, AskMen.

#64 – Cobie Smulders

Ok. I get it. I assume “How I Met Your Mother” is still popular since every show on CBS is popular. Someone should look into if CBS is using mind manipulation on the feeble elderly to make them watch their network and/or have armed guards hold guns to their heads and forcing them to “enjoy” “The Big Bang Theory”. A friend of mine suggested that old men love “2 Broke Girls” so much because it’s masturbation material and I would agree. I’ve never even watched the show and only seen the commercials and that’s sometimes good enough for me. Anyway, Cobie was also in the bazillion dollars earning “The Avengers”. Remember? She was the chick who wasn’t Scarlett? That’s right. They both wore leather cat suits and were completely unintegral to the plot. Way to go, Whedon. Cobie is pretty. Did you know she used to be a model? No shit, right?

#63 – Sherlyn Chopra

What is happening in this picture? Is she at someone’s birthday? Either way, this lovely Indian lady was the first lovely Indian lady to appear nude on the cover of Playboy. Fucking Rosa Parks over here. I bet she looks really good naked. I’ll make a $5 bet with anyone that she looks good naked. Cool.

#62 – Bar Refaeli

Yes. I think Bar is easily in the top 3 most attractive human beings to have or ever will exist. Like her beauty is absolutely otherworldly and if aliens exist we should keep her very far away from them because they’ll become agitated and aggressive by her astounding looks and then we’ll be in an interstellar war. She’s the universe’s Helen of Troy is what I’m saying. It’s like Krypton does exist and Superman didn’t land on this planet, it was actually just his hot ass sister and she poses in bikinis for us. That’s what happened. She’s not saving the world by rushing into burning buildings. She’s more pacifying the masses because when she appears we all melt and/or turn into little masturbating gnomes who hide in the shadowy corners of a room. So, yeah. As far as modeling, I think Bar should model everything. Bikinis, lingerie, blouses, snowblowers, AK-47s, put a strap on on her and model condoms. I don’t care! JUST GIVE ME MORE PICTURES OF HER! Her entire life should be filmed. Like all of it. No need for sound. She shouldn’t be forced to talk if she doesn’t feel like it. Just her walking around eating cheerios and smoking cigarettes while paging through some Hebrew newspaper would be fucking ART. I bet Leo and her broke-up because he couldn’t stop staring at her and also he was jealous that she was better looking than he was and he couldn’t stand that because he’s probably a little ponce. Yeah, I called him a ponce. That’s what I did. I love you, Bar.

#61 – Heidi Klum

What is happening in THIS picture? Is Heidi Klum a musical artist now? Oh my God, I would pay money to see her sing all of Seal’s songs. I would rather pay for that than pay for that Sandy relief concert that happened last night. So, yeah, Heidi is pretty great. She’s also one of the most attractive creatures to walk this planet ever. She’s also one of the goofiest dorks. I don’t buy 99% of celeb chicks who say they’re dorks or goofy. They really just seem bitchy. But Heidi Klum is definitely a goof ball. It makes her more endearing. Like I imagine pretty much all models to be coked up assholes, but I genuinely can’t imagine Heidi Klum doing cocaine. I think it’s more likely she thought the cocaine was to nose medicine and she put in a bowl of hot water and had some breathe in the hot water/coke mixture with a towel over the head ala “Crocodile Dundee” – great fucking scene/movie. Anyway, Heidi is a national treasure and by national I mean this fucking planet. She also should stay away from aliens because her beauty would startle them and then her goofiness would confuse them and make then angry.

#60 – Marcela Valladolid

No idea. I just read she’s a Food Network star and she looks quite pretty. Like Leah Remini without all that crazy conservative nonsense spewing out of her brain. And she can cook?! Mama mia. I like this choice although I have no clue who she is. I watch one Food Network show and one Food Network show only – the triple D – Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. Guy is a genius. Maybe one of the most unlikable looking human beings on Earth and yet I can’t get enough of his stupid show. I love that damn show. So, Marcela, huh? Ok.

#59 – Marissa Mayer

Yes. Yes. And. Yes. Very good looking woman and then she makes the dollar dollar bills y’all. She’s the most successful woman on this damn list I’m guessing. She’s not some dolled up hooker spewing shitty rom com dialogue for middle America. SHE’S THE DAMN CEO OF YAHOO!! I hear some men are put off by successful women and I would like to say that those men should die in a gas chamber. A gas chamber of their own farts. Like they die on the methane concentration that came out of each others’ butts. Anyway, I’ve got not problem with successful women. Honestly, they probably have a problem with me being so unsuccessful, but Big Papa Bear Jew over here can work around that. I’ll cook them dinner, I’ll rub their back, I’ll spoon them up real good, I’ll tell them what a good job they’re doing ruling the world. Anyway, Marissa Mayer is like techno Hilary Clinton and is a hot piece. So, I love this choice.

#58 – Amanda Seyfried

She is fucking hot. Not really in this pic, but she’s a good looking lady. They knew what they were doing when they made “Mean Girls”. ‘Can I get a folder of headshots of hot chicks? And I’ll hire the hottest ones. Hopefully, they’re funny.’ That’s what happened. Amanda is also a certifiable weirdo. She’s into taxidermy – like likes it more than a friend. And she admitted this week she gets drunk before every talk show appearance that’s after 1pm. Good stuff. I can’t even remember the last time I saw her act, but for a solid year straight these website with pictures of pretty celebrities on them had pictures of her in yoga clothes walking her dog every day and it never got boring. Good for her. She kind of looks like a Disney Princess come to life and that’s cool. And she’s into stuffed dead animals, so I’m guessing if you get a couple drinks in her then anything goes in the bedroom. And by anything, I mean that she makes you have sex with her while her taxidermy display watches you. WEIRD.

#57 – Kat Dennings

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP.

I would have her easily in the top 10, but that’s me. She’s the curvy Jewish chick we all wish we were hiding our afikomen in. AM I FUCKING RIGHT?! HAPPY HANUKKAH!

Looks? Of fucking course. Personality? She’s more funny in real life than in these bad shows or movies she’s in. Her twitter is pretty good and her youtube videos were good and she’s funny in interviews. You get it – yes. Definite yes.

#56 – Selena Gomez

Dios fucking Mio. So, Selena Gomez grew up in a hurry. Man alive. And to think that twerp Bieber tested the waters of his sexuality with this one. Incredible. I have lived a very different life. When I was a teen, I certainly wasn’t experimenting with the likes of an internationally famous Latina cheetah print sex monster like the above. She looks like a young Carla Gugino in this pic. Maybe the best pic I’ve ever seen of Selena. So, Selena is in “Springbreakers” with a bunch of other jailbait, but thankfully legal looking chicks who are all in bikinis and then James Franco plays Kevin Federline and so forth. I’ll see that movie. It’s supposed to be terrible, but I’ll see that movie at some point.

#55 – Doutzen Kroes

She’s a model. I actually have heard of this one. She looks a lot like a younger Denise Richards in this photo. There was a time when Denise Richards was the hottest chick on the planet and that was in the movie “Wild Things”. So, Doutzen is from Dutchland, which is cool. She’s made $6.9 million this year in modelling, which is fucking mind blowing. Good for you, Doutzen. Keep doing what you’re doing.

#54 – Olivia Wilde

I like Olivia Wilde. I can’t really put my finger on exactly why I really like her. She does kind of have a superhero, comic book, anime kind of exotic beauty to her. But that’s not what completely sells me on her. She’s in so many fucking movies. SO MANY. She’s in almost all of them and will be for years to come too. I haven’t liked anything she’s been in. I hated Tron, I hated Cowboys & Aliens, I didn’t like the show House, and on and on. The thing I liked best that she played a larger part in was her lesbian stint on The OC. That’s about it, but for some reason I feel like she could be really good in something. Most of the stuff mentioned, I would have not liked with or without her. She’s not the bad part of them. I feel like she’ll be nominated for something some day. She’ll eventually get a good role that she’ll do a good job with and get nominated for a Golden Globe. I’m pretty NYC biased so maybe that’s it or the fact that her real last name is Cockburn. I don’t know, but I like her and I feel like she would be cool in person. Whatever that means.

#53 – Antonija Misura

Well, hello there, Antonija. I see your underwear and that’s wonderful. I have no clue who you are, but let me do a little reading and… you are a basketball player?! Well done, Antonija. She played for the Croatian team and she’s not particularly good. Ugh, 3.3 points per game? That’s not much. That’s only 3.3 points more than I was scoring for the Croatian women’s basketball team. Either way, again, I do like the sports nods and she looks quite pretty. Thumbs up.

#52 – Keira Knightley

Pretty and a better than average actress. But are people still enthralled by Keira? If this was 2008 then I would say sure and anytime before that to 2002, but now? She did have two movies come out recently with her getting spanked by Fassbender in “A Dangerous Method” and apparently 6 people saw “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World”. I do want to see the latter and I’m never seeing the former. I definitely had a thing for Keira after seeing “Love Actually” back in ’03 and then “Domino” in ’05, but it has been down hill ever since for me after seeing “Atonement” in 2007. I HATED THAT MOVIE. That’s me. You all can love her. Have her. I won’t fight you for her. Just leave me Kat Dennings and Elisha Cuthbert and you can keep all the tall skinny British chicks.

#51 – Jemima Kirke

Very interesting. I respect it. With 50 spots more to go, I wonder if any other cast members from “Girls” will be up here. All four girls from “Girls” would be acceptable choices I think. I do remember Lena Dunham saying she was a virgin on “Colbert Report” and she rights so much about sex that that is somewhat concerning, but whatever. I liked “Girls”. I’m eagerly awaiting the second season. I do hope it’s better than the first season. I think there was some very good foundation laid in the first season that they didn’t really take advantage of later in the season, but hopefully they do in the second season. I like this choice. It works in the sense that she’s hot and it works in the sense that she’s popular for good reasons. Well played, AskMen.

#50 – Solange Knowles

Rrreeeeeeaaaallllyyy? Super good looking and all that. I didn’t know that she even still made music. They, AskMen, says she released a bunch of stuff in 2012. I honestly didn’t know she had done anything in particular since getting married at 17 and having a kid. I assume she’s done stuff, but I guess it hasn’t left much of an impression. Her parents must be sexy mofos. Those Knowles girls, am I right? They produced two wildly attractive daughters. Are there more Knowles kids? Do Solange and Beyonce have a Taye Diggs looking younger brother? Great genes in that Knowles family.

#49 – Azealia Banks

She’s bi-sexual. I love it. Good choice, AskMen. Oh yeah, she makes music and stuff, but who cares. She’s a super cute bi chick from Harlem and that’s really where we can start and stop with that. I’m sold. I’m a simple man with simple tastes. Next…

#48 – Natalie Portman

Kind of my favorite person on the planet not named Bill Murray. So, yes. Thank you. Forever and ever yes for Natalie Portman. She would be in my top 10 easily. Not sure what she’s doing milling about in the 40’s. Absolutely beautiful and the best actress of her generation and most others. Yes.

That’s 73-48.

I have no clue who the rest of these women will be. It’s been surprising so far. More surprising how high up some of these women are. I feel like Rihanna is going to be in the top 3 or something and I would disagree with that. She’s very very hot, but she also scares me. I feel like if I spent more than an hour with her we would end up somewhere where I would feel scared. Like legitimately adrenaline pumping, looking over my shoulder, stomach nervous scared.

Anyway… til tomorrow.

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