Life is confusing, so is the internet…

December 17, 2012

Hello, Monday Readers.

I hope you had a great and productive weekend.

I spent my weekend researching assault rifle statistics in foreign countries and wiring my rented house with trip wires and explosives because that’s my damn right as an American! Am I right?! Fuck guns. FUCK GUNS! Guns are for the weak. I, on the other hand, have a bevy of claymore landmines set to blow connected to a highly technical voice activated system to detonate on the words: gun, control, Obama, Tom, Brady, and/or pumpernickel. Meanwhile, I’ll be sitting inside with a stress ball in one hand, a tomahawk in the other, and a Bugs Bunny crazy straw in my mouth sipping on an 804 ounce Liberty cocktail of Four Loko, 151, no doz, diet Coke, and acai berries. Acai berries are really in nowadays; good anti-oxidants and all. Because that’s how we do!

I agree with the vocal minority on the internet that the US should definitely be more like Israel and Switzerland. I mean it’s not like Israel has violence problems. I’m sure we can’t find one news story to point to in the Middle East that involves guns or violence. But sure, we should give out guns to everyone because “EVERYONE” in Israel has a gun as the brilliant people online have told me. They’ve failed to mention, but I’m sure it is a minor oversight, that the people of Israel have a mandatory 2 years in the military. I’m sure trusting a nation of people with military experience with a military grade weapon is just like trusting a nation of people who riot after sports teams win yearly championships with weapons that they have absolutely no training or respect for. I imagine there might be a correlation with why there is an anecdotal picture of a teacher with an assault rifle in Israel and, possibly, the weekly mortar and rocket attacks that take place in that area. I’m not sure if living in an actual war zone caused by warring nations is the same as allowing bored civilians who want to have a laugh target shooting or think it’s cool they have a modified machine gun with an output regulator just because they can at the moment is the same thing. I’m not sure the people in Israel have assault rifles because of their “freedom” or more so are in the middle of a centuries old blood feud over who gets to stand on the land that God deemed the Holy Land. But whatever, right?

And Switzerland, of course, they all have assault rifles too. They probably buy them with the revenue stream from banking all the evil people of the world’s money for the past several decades. Besides that, I’m sure the fact that the guns that are owned in Switzerland aren’t attached to that national militia that 20-30 year olds are conscripted into and get military training for. I’m sure that’s exactly like what’s going on in the US with people buying AR-15’s and AK-47’s from Cabellas or even buying the metal moldings for guns off the internet and making them in their house as apart of a hobby of sorts. I’m sure that’s pretty similar. I’m sure that Switzerland being entirely unique with its gun laws has nothing to do with them not having a national army minus this militia. And I’m sure that Switzerland being 1/8th the size of the UK and yet having more annual gun murders yearly than the UK is just some kind of glitch in the matrix. I’m sure that the UK with its strict gun laws and its 62 million plus people having less than 40 gun related murders a year is just like stupid. Like no relevance there. Sure, America is 5x the size of the UK and, sure, we have 230x the amount of gun murders, but hey that’s the cost of living in a free society.

It just sucks, you know. I mean I can’t properly defend my suburban domicile from the waves of zombie mutants that are currently attacking my house everyday in this upper middle class crust of a town of New Jersey that I live in with a pistol, shotgun, or a hunting rifle. Or maybe a security system and locks. I need to have an assault rifle with a banana clip carrying 50 to 100 bullets. First, I need it so badly that I’m not willing to jump through more aggressive hoops to get it. Second, I need it so badly that I want to get mine and also leave it open for anyone else regardless of their reasons of getting one to get one at anytime in an easy enough fashion. I’m sure that this country’s future is completely resting on whether or not I have the ability to own such a weapon. Like all of its future is dependent on it. Even though, we did live in this country for two periods of time with assault rifle bans already and at no point were we in fear that this country would fall apart because of this assault rifle ban.

I’m just glad we live in a country where our lust for guns hasn’t gotten out of control. I mean it’s good to know that there are not parts of this country where people are actively passing legislation to allow guns in churches, schools, bars, and the like. I mean when I watch a Western and I see people just drawing on each other all the time I’m thinking, “that society is so much more civil than we are now”. It’s just how it is. Like I’ve never ever seen people out in the world act irrationally. I’ve never seen anyone pick a fight with a complete stranger over nothing. And when that happens, the first thing that pops in my head is, “if those people just had guns, this situation would be that much better”.

While we move our police and paid security people towards using more non-lethal weaponry like tazers, pepper spray, and training them better in martial arts to subdue suspects hand-to-hand, it’s good to know that we’re going to move to better arm those people that they’re trying to deal with. I’m sure that police in this country would love if everyone walking the street had a gun – not one gun too, but like a big gun with some real stopping power. I’m sure that would make their job that much easier. It’s funny how you always hear cops being like, ‘we need more vigilante civilians who armed to the teeth with firearms they bought two aisles over a new TV and got their training with at a strip mall buttressed by a dry-cleaner and a taco hut.’ I hear that a lot. Like so much so that it’s tiring hearing it.

Also, I’m like 99 billion percent sure that over 200 years ago when some dudes who were inciting a war with a powerful military from across the ocean said that we would bear arms to protect ourselves from them that they also meant that people should have access to all the arms regardless of how much more technologically advanced and deadly they become and easier they are to use and regardless of the need to actually defend yourself with them more so just to have for fun or have access to for the hell of it because you feel like playing soldier instead of being one. It’s not like we regulate people’s ability to do or buy things in any capacity and why start with people needlessly wielding extremely dangerous death weapons.

Maybe I’m biased because a gun hasn’t physically played a role in solving a single situation in my 30 years of life. Not even just a gun, but a burst firing former machine gun. If it has in your life then you might think different. You might. I’ve also never gone hunting with an assault rifle either. Maybe that’s something you do. Maybe I’m wrong in thinking that a handgun or a shotgun or a hunting rifle is enough to “protect” someone’s home. Maybe I’m wrong in thinking that it is way more difficult in figuring who should be allowed to freely purchase assault rifles as opposed to no one should be allowed to purchase them. If a person is so inclined and so addicted to shooting assault rifles and all they do is shoot them at a gun range like the good citizen they are then why can’t the gun range just keep the assault rifle and you rent it when you’re there and you leave it there with them? I mean if you’re a good citizen and all who has no plans of shooting up a school or post office or something, why would you have a problem with that?

Maybe I don’t know the practical use of an assault rifle. Maybe you can make sandwiches with it and use it to sew a pair of pants that ripped. I don’t know. Maybe I’m ignorant of all the varieties of things an assault rifle can do outside of being super cool and a ton more worrisome. Maybe the defense “they’ll still get them anyway through the black market” will disappear into the wilderness because that’s no reason to allow them to be purchased freely. Maybe everyone who totally has a gun is like the best with that gun and is also making clear, rational decisions all the time and that gun will never ever be an issue.


Guns are an illusion of safety. Banning a certain type of gun is also an illusion of safety.


2 Responses to “Life is confusing, so is the internet…”

  1. PWG said

    What I saw this weekend was a lot of people flailing around looking for comfort, and you’re right, the illusion of safety. I saw people shouting at each other over the differences between automatic and semi-automatic, and whether it’s accurate to use the term “assault” when describing weapons. I saw a news story from China about a guy who stabbed 22 children. I saw reporters who should be cock/box-punched interviewing traumatized elementary school children.

    I had to turn down the radio or flip past a news channel or hurry past a newspaper kiosk with my own kids a dozen times this weekend. And then I had to sit down with them anyway and talk to them about what their friends are going to be talking about in school today. The way I sat down and talked to them about Columbine, and the Aurora movie theater shootings, and the murder of Jessica Ridgeway. Because all of those things are in our backyard. And because they don’t live in the world I wished they lived in.

    So I told them that most people will die of old age, including most of the people they know and love, including them. But some won’t. And I told them that there’s no map of the safe and dangerous places, or people, in the world, but it never hurts to trust your instincts and look for the exits ahead of time, with both. And I told them that sometimes all we want to do is keep the people we love safe right next to us all the time, to smother them with love and safety like bubble-wrap so no person, or accident, or disease can ever hurt them.

    And then my 9-year old said, “Yeah, but if you did that then your kids would turn out like that screwed up guy in The Wall, and probably go out and shoot other people.”

  2. PWG said

    We live in a representative democracy. If we want to disallow or criminalize a certain type of weapon, or an entire category, or even fucking Cheddar cheese, we have the power to do it. Or at least to throw out the people who aren’t doing it.

    The fact that we haven’t done it yet means that more Americans than not are willing to break a few eggs to make an omelet. It’s not that there are no solutions, it’s that there aren’t solutions that 51% of the voting population is willing to entertain.

    It’s heartbreaking to imagine the terrified 6-year old who got shot last, after watching his classmates die. But it’s fucking heartbreaking to watch adults get shot in movie theaters, or workplaces, or shopping malls, too. I’m not clear on if, or if so, why, Sandy Hook is going to be different for voters.

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