December 18, 2012

*dramatic intake breath*




Last night, on ESPN, this happened…




Also, this happened…




I’m almost tired from laughing.

Every year, champions are crowned, cheered, and their names are forever remembered in the history books. But if you sit and watch all the games of thine year then you’ll know about the comedic tragedies of all the teams. None better than the New York Jets.

There are 32 teams in the National Football League aka the NFL aka the Professional Tackle Football Association of the United States of the American World aka PTFAUSAW. Each team has a story. Sure, championship winning teams see the highest highs and may even have battled back from a lowest low at some point, but all the teams in the NFL have a compelling story year in and year out. Some are simple like the Denver Broncos resurgence on the shoulders on the newly acquired Peyton Manning; some are confusing like the Detroit Lions utter incapability of winning football games while their star receiver might have a record breaking year. But I submit that no team has had a more delectably page-turning existence than the New York Jets.

Last night was nearly a microcosm for everything the Jets have done right and wrong in their season. It’s astounding that a team like this even exists and exists to the point where they were at. Somehow in the middle of this breakdown of a season, if the Jets beat a completely fledgling Tennessee Titans then they would have a shot at making the playoffs. Somehow with the Jets in all their ups and downs this season, they still had a shot at making the playoffs. A pretty decent shot considering their season was ending with three games against three bad teams. If they could win those games and get some help from losses by Pittsburgh and Cinci then they could ostensibly make the playoffs. Unreal.

Last year, the season concluded in Miami where the Jets were also playing for a spot in the playoffs and instead had a fucking nervous breakdown on the field with their quarterback Mark Sanchez and their top wide receiver/captain Santonio Holmes getting into a verbal fight in a huddle during the game. A game that they could’ve won and should’ve had their game faces on, but instead were fighting over a fight that started at the beginning of the season and finally came to ahead at the wrongest time imaginable – final game of the year, playoffs on the line, and on the fucking field in a winnable game they had to win.

Fast forward to last night…

Enter: Mark Sanchez at the tail end of his worst year since his rookie year with the Jets’ season in the balance.

Since the never understood signing of Tim Tebow, people have questioned the two men pictured as well as everyone else wearing a Jets logo at any point in their life – should Mark Sanchez still be the starting quarterback for the Jets? At no point this season have the powers above granted Tim Tebow that starting position, but, during Tebow’s injured few games, there was one game that Sanchez played so bad in that they pulled Sanchez and put in the back-up’s back-up McElroy. That was 2 weeks ago against Arizona, and the little McElroy did do won him the game. McElroy won the game! HE WON IT!

And how did the Jets repay the favor, they’ve put him on the inactive list the past two weeks.

So, last night, Sanchez in the middle of arguably his most pitiful outing in all his pitiful outings this year and what are the Jets going to do? They’re not going to pull Sanchez for Tebow. They just don’t do that. No matter how bad Mark is playing they don’t pull him for Tim. But they did once pull Sanchez for McElroy and McElroy won. But McElroy is on the inactive list, so they’ve made him inaccessible for the game. Why? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?!

As for Timothy… big strong Timothy…

For this entire year, the Jets have played the sports media like a fiddle in insisting that they are working on a “package” for Tim Tebow. A series of plays that will utilize Tim Tebow in all the ways that one can utilize easily one of the least understood off-season pick-ups in the history of the NFL. It may have made sense if they ever let Tebow truly be the quarterback, it may have made sense if they truly tried to convert Tim into another position, but instead they meaninglessly throw him to the wolves randomly once or twice for the hell of it.

While no offense was consistent in last night’s debacle, there was a brief moment a fleeting moment when Mark completed two passes IN-A-ROW. He hadn’t done that up until that point in the game. And right as he completed that second pass in a row and that dirty mustache of Mark’s was smiling, the Jets in all their infinite wisdom yank the kid from the game to randomly insert Tebow to play 5 plays. FIVE. Five plays that have no point and were fraught with utter confusion by both teams and by the announcers. While these masterfully random and laughable plays were oddly executed, Sanchez stood on the side line like a small child watching the next door neighbor kid play with his Christmas gifts. It was a scene we have seen several times this season.

Tim Tebow was supposed to be a “red zone” threat. And while the Jets were no where near the red zone (20 yards to endzone) at that moment in time, they throw Tim out there for what reason who knows. It would seem pretty cut and dry with Mark being horrible in the red zone and Tim supposedly being a red zone threat and that’s why they acquired him that when the Jets enter the red zone they would put Tim in. But that never happens, so why even bring it up I suppose.

In the end…

Sanchez ended the game with a rap sheet of utter failure…

13-28 for 131 yards with 1 touchdown and 4 interceptions.

Not that quarterback ratings make a ton of sense, but his rating was a 32.6.

Meanwhile, Tim Tebow threw 1 pass that wasn’t completed and his rating was a 39.6. Go fucking figure.

Lord only knows why this abysmal game was chosen to be a Monday Night Football game for all the world to see, but there were some hilarious moments as comedy comes from tragedy…

I don’t know if that was truly intentional on the second attempt, but that is a member of his team that he is shoving to the ground. Hahahahahahah… play like a Jet, right?

I also love that this guy thinks he can either back out of the way or believed he could jump over that tumbling football player with that little hop.

But the moment of moments last night, minus all of Sanchez’s hilarious interceptions and/or the 5 Tebow plays which was akin to a flash mob performance of Phantom of the Opera, there was the lengthy fall of the old sound man…

Like a metaphor for the New York Jets themselves…

Hit early and stumbling to then believe for the briefest of moments that there was a semblance of balance to only realize it was an illusion as one mightily crashed to Earth hard with a shot to the skull… on national television.

So many concussions this season that even the sound guys aren’t safe.

Amazingly… the season isn’t over for the New York Jets. As with all teams, there are still two games to be played.

The Jets have a home game against the Chargers this Sunday. I imagine tickets will be free. Thrown into the air like confetti along the streets of Manhattan.

And a final game against their equally pitiful rival the Buffalo Bills in Buffalo to close out this wonderfully stupid season.

What does the future hold? Who is to blame? Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. I think that the owner Woody Johnson is to blame for a lot of this. Some of the decisions are so inane that it seems like only an owner with no football experience would be to blame. I would hope that’s the case for most involved. I think that if Rex is to blame for this then Rex has proven that he shouldn’t be in-charge with making any decisions regarding a team’s offense at all in any way shape or form. The Jets should fire everyone involved in their team’s offense. Everyone. They should fire anyone in charge of personnel. They should cut their losses with Mark Sanchez. They should trade Tim Tebow. They should start McElroy and focus on building a team that has running backs and wide receivers whose names are not the names of their current list of wide receivers and running backs.

What’s for sure… what has to be for sure… is Mike Tannenbaum is fired.

No team has made more questionable personnel decisions in this past year than the Jets and that’s seemingly Tannenbaum’s job. I believe that Woody probably put his 2 cents in too much too, but the owner isn’t firing himself.


The Jets, thank you.

Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for the ups and downs. Thank you for you being you.

With no playoffs hopes alive any longer, I wish you adieu.

Goodnight, sweet princes.

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