The 109th Sign of the APOCALYPSE: Sam Donaldson got a DUI

December 20, 2012

What in the fuck is this world coming to?

SAM DONALDSON?! GOT A DUI?! SMH!

Am I right?

As my Christmas present to him, I’m giving Sam Donaldson a thousand “smh”.

A DUI?! A DUI? Fo’ realz? This is absolutely absurd, Sam. Don’t you know the affect this will have on the next generation? Don’t you realize that once the kidz today hear that Sam Donaldson got a DUI that they’ll think all the cool 78 year old, former White House correspondents are doing it and then they’ll want to emulate kickass Sam Donaldson. I mean think of the children, Sam. The chittlins! They’re so impressionable.

I would love to know every single detail of this DUI.

All we got right now is that on December 1st at 8pm, is the ABC News political journalist since Lyndon Baines Johnson administration was pulled over for a traffic violation and then the officer determined because it was “apparent” that Donaldson was 3 sheets to the wind and got his ass locked the fuck up.

Let me repeat, they don’t say he failed a test or anything, it was just “apparent” he had been drinking. So what happened? Did the officer stroll up to Donaldson’s car and Donaldson rolled down the window and buckets of booze poured out like he was in a fishbowl of liquor like those drunk driving ads?

Seriously, Sam?

I get that Lindsey Lohan or Amanda Bynes doesn’t know any better, but you? Really, c’mon!

What was he doing drunk driving at 8pm anyway?

I mean I’m not surprised to hear about a 78 year old man drunk driving seconds after Wheel of Fortune just ended, but that 78 year old man shouldn’t be Sam Donaldson.

I’m not saying that this is loosely or tightly tied to Fred Willard being caught jerking off at a porn theater, but then again… isn’t it?

Are these old white men just being old white men and not giving a fuck anymore or is there something going wrong in Sam Donaldson’s life? Was he out speed dating or something? Why was he drunk driving so early in the day? And soooo drunk that it was “apparent”. Who would even know if Sam Donaldson was drunk that quickly or just think he was some slurring 78 year old man because there are a lot of those too.

Also, I’m curious how Mr. Donaldson acted. Sam Donaldson can be a bit of a surly Sam when he wants to be. Dude can drop the hammer. I wonder how he took getting arrested at 78 years old…

I think at some point you figure you’re not going to get in trouble anymore. Probably at 78 you think you’ve avoided all the pitfalls of life. Sam had a cancer scare nearly 2 decades ago. At 78 and only a few weeks removed from the Apocalypse, one could think he could just not give a fuck and was getting gin drunk in the late afternoon and driving through Delaware…

Wait…

Is that it?

Is the reason Sam Donaldson was drunk driving was because he was going to be driving through Delaware? I mean it’s not the worst place to drive through, but far from the average. So, maybe that’s it. Maybe Delaware is at fault.

Either way…

The Apocalypse that we’ve all been hearing about is technically starting at midnight tonight. I suppose midnight. I’m not sure if the Apocalypse has anymore of a specific time table that 12/21/2012.

Well, I hope we all survive it.

If we do then I hope we can one day get drunk on egg nog or just normal booze together and have a pajama party and watch Batman: The Animated Series.

Good luck tonight, tomorrow. If there’s no apocalypse, I’ll post.

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