January 2, 2013

Happy New Years!

I hope you had a wonderful time doing whatever you ended up doing. I had plans of many varieties and options of even more so many varieties, but settled on cooking a wonderful meal, wearing pajamas, drinking 3 bottles of champagne, and staying in with the one who I was going to kiss at midnight regardless where ever I decided to celebrate.

The dinner was a pork roast wrapped in bacon and marinated in a bourbon/soy sauce/mustard/brown sugar heavenly mixture of deliciousness. That same mixture was later turned into a gravy that I could fucking bottle and sell if I wanted – that shit is incredible. Meanwhile, Danielle made mashed potatoes with cheddar cheese and sour cream, which were also incredible. She wasn’t done yet, she made her world or at least New Jersey famous whiskey cake. So, we ate ourselves stuffed, drank ourselves drunk on the bubbly, and even got a surprise fireworks (actually 2) display right in our backyard.

So, yeah, it was a good New Years.

The following day, I decided to shave. Not trim or cut down, but to SHAVE.

There was a year starting mid October of 2008 to the following October in 2009 where I shaved regularly and kept myself clean shaven the entire time. My roommate at the time questioned whether I had ever kept myself clean shaven before and I said no and he said maybe I should try it out. So, I did. Simple as that.

I’m not entirely sure, but I’m at least 60-80% sure that that may have been the last time I’ve fully shaved. There have been some extreme trims with the beard trimmer, but I don’t think I’ve clean shaven since October or November of 2009. So, 2013, started off with a sacrifice… a sacrifice of my hair of facial.

*quick sidenote: I am shirtless in these pictures. Call me crazy, but I shave shirtless. You will see my naked shoulders and clavicle area. Try to control yourselves from what will be an explosion of raw animalistic sexual energy that will no doubt occur once seeing my bare shoulders and neck line. Just prepare yourself.

Here’s me.

Slightly hungover, a little under the weather, and filled with pancakes.

As one can plainly see, because of my luxurious red viking beard, I am a man.

But seemingly not a happy man with this sad face. Let’s fix that…

That a boy! … errr… That a man!

Let’s go on a journey together. A transformation, if you will. A long and winding road toward youth.

Let’s fucking shave my fucking face!

Stage 1: the “mutton chop” and “full goatee”

Stage 2: No “mutton chop” and the “full goatee”

Stage 3: the “full goatee” aka a month away from a “Jim ‘The Anvil’ Neidhart”

Stage 4: that thing in the middle is gone

Stage 5: The “handlebar mustache” aka me if I was a gay porn star

Stage 6: the classic “mustache” aka me if I was a cop

And finally…


Also known as… me when I was in 6th grade.

Holy fuck, I’m going to be carded now. Am I the only one who thinks I look like I’m 12? Like literally what I looked like when I was 12.

I’m sure you’re all wondering about the gory details about the shave like I was…

Here’s the little critter that used to be on my face.

No wonder my face feels so much colder. I used to have a pair of mittens secured to the lower half of my face.

So there’s that.



3 Responses to “KSWI Presents: MY FULL-FRONTAL NAKED FACE!!!!!”

  1. Kim said

    Happy New Year — and congrats on surviving The Shave!
    You’ve got a baby face!

  2. PWG said

    Wow, I know you tried to prepare us for the raw sexual energy of exposed clavicles, but I guess there can really be no preparation because I kept giggling (and we all know that’s an animal attraction defense mechanism.)

    I am struck by three things: Firstly, you still looked like Santa in the before picture, even without the suit. Secondly, your chin and cheeks are exactly the same color as the rest of your face post-shave, meaning you weren’t lying about being unable to produce melanin. Thirdly, in the last picture where you’re holding what looks like either a hamster nest or a merkin, the tips of your fingers frighten me and leave me wondering how you ever get the right keys on a touchscreen smartphone.

    • I can’t stop giggling at this comment, so I think that means I’m attracted to you? (Probably true.)

      I don’t understand what’s happening with the fingers. I’ve never seen them so… bulbous.

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