JANUARY MOVIE PREVIEWS: The Few and the Terrible

January 3, 2013

Hola, chicas y chicos!

As the film releases wind down from last year, the absolutely bottom of the barrel begins creeping into theaters this weekend. A word of advice, if you do end up going to a movie theater this Friday or Saturday night, make sure you’re seeing something rubber stamped in 2012. Go see one of the December movies and don’t even think about the January ones. Wait until we are waist deep in January before you start subjecting yourself to the following atrocities from 2013.

Speaking of movies from 2012…

LES MISERABLES

RED! THE COLOR OF… CHRISTINA HENDRICK’S HAIR!

BLACK! THE COLOR OF… MY ENVY FOR KANYE WEST IMPREGNATING KIM KARDASHIAN!

RED! THE COLOR OF… MY NAKED CHEEKS IN THIS WINTER WIND!

BLACK! THE COLOR OF… MY UNDERWEAR!

I liked it.

The movie is long and my ass did fall asleep, but that would’ve happened in the Broadway theater as well because it’s just a long story. Besides that, the music and the acting are wonderful. I haven’t really looked over the scope of “best supporting actresses”, but Anne Hathaway should be a front runner just for the one song she sings. The “I dreamed a dream” or whatever… she murders it. Like fucking murders it! Hugh Jackman is great in it as well and I think he’ll be nominated for best leading male whatever. And the Eddie Redmayne kid and his blonde cohort and the brown haired girl who people thought Taylor Swift was going to play – they all do a great job as well.

I have to say, because this is my blog and fuck if I’m not going to hammer home my little piddling opinions on here, I hate Tom Hooper. If you’re wondering, he’s the director. I have only watched “John Adams” the HBO mini-series and this movie. I didn’t see “The King’s Speech” because I thought it looked boring and filled with his trademark directing that I hate. In Les Mis, there is plenty of his trademarks around like needless camera jerks to really illustrate that it’s handheld camera work for no apparent reason or his 45 degree angle tilts during long shots or his off frame close-ups and a bunch of stuff. I just don’t like how he tells a story with visuals. I just don’t.

But… the music and the performances outweigh his influence in my opinion. I will give him credit that the actors all do a great job and let’s say he had a part to play in that. But as far as how he makes his movies or TV or whatever, I just don’t like it. So, there’s a chance you’ll like the movie more than I did if you don’t mind his flourishes.

As for the January movies…

I’m not going to grab their posters like I usually do because most of these movies sound horrendous in my opinion, so go look up the posters and such on your own time. STOP HASSLING ME!

TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D

So, another fucking remake for this movie? If you didn’t like the other remakes or sequels then there is a fucking low low low low low low probability that you’ll like this one. But it is in 3D?!?!?!?!?!? FUCK 3D! Fuck you and fuck your third dimension. I hate those stupid glasses and no fucking shit 3D TVs didn’t sell well, James Cameron. What a fucking idiot?! Who WANTS to sit around wearing shitty plastic glasses every time they want to relax and throw on the TV? No one. Fuck 3D and fuck this movie.

A HAUNTED HOUSE

Long ago there was Scary Movie and then Scary Movie 2 and then the Wayans were fired from those spoof movies or left on their own accord – who knows and I can’t remember which. So, they’re back. No one asked for them to come back and make the unofficial Scary Movie 3 starring the Wayans’ 10 years later, but we got it now. I liked Scary Movie 2, but I think I’m way past the age of going to see spoof movies in the theaters. So, fuck this movie. Let those dubsteppin’ kids buy tickets for it on their iphones.

GANGSTER SQUAD

Well, this is probably the best thing coming out this month and I’m not impressed by the trailers. Directed by Ruben Fleischer who brought us “Zombieland” comes the billionth movie about people recklessly shooting each other with Tommy guns while wearing fedoras and overcoats. The cast is good with Ryan Gosling, Josh Brolin, Sean Penn, Anthony Mackie, and Emma Stone, but we’ve all seen this movie before and I think we’ve seen it with better actors in a better script. Speaking of the script, if it’s not tip top then we’re fucked because Hollywood gave this first time writer his pick of a 100 scripts for the future, so if he can’t write then there will be a bunch of movies come out for years to come up with his can’t writing ass writing them. The trailer could be misleading like the trailer was misleading for Killing Them Softly and Jack Reacher, but who knows. The movie has been pushed back a few times and I feel like it’s going to be a cheap shoot ’em up movie. Also, I’m not saying I’m not attracted to Emma Stone, but really? This character of the seductress in the long evening dress? She still looks like she’s in high school. And not like a Hollywood high school where they look like they’re 30. I mean she looks like she’s 17 still and consistently plays high school girls with a high school demeanor. She’s good for the cute/hot girl who is clutsy and sort of goofy. Maybe they couldn’t get Jessica Chastain and they got her kid sister instead. I don’t know. Anyway, I just think this movie looks a little lackluster all around. Even Gosling’s voice sounds prepubescent in the promos. … I’ll probably see it. WHAT ELSE IS THERE?!

BROKEN CITY

This movie might work if it was a comedy. Mark Wahlberg is a great comedic actor whether he’s in a comedy or not. He’s hilarious. In “I Heart Huckabees” and “The Other Guys” the dude is playing it straight the whole time and it is hilarious. In “Four Brothers”, “The Fighter”, “The Departed” and so on and so on he is also playing it straight and IS ALSO HILARIOUS. The dude really can’t act and putting him in another “I’m a tough guy and you’re supposed to take me seriously” role is not going to work out. Meanwhile, Russell Crowe is appearing in too many movies. That dude can act. I don’t know why he is in so many movies. He’s either saving up to buy his own country or just doesn’t want any vacation time, I’m not sure. But this movie looks stupid. Also, Russell Crowe looks orange in a few shots in the trailer. I hope they explain that, but I’ll never know because I won’t see this crap.

THE LAST STAND

I love Arnold Schwarzenegger and it fucking pains me that I’m either going to have to see this out of some perverse loyalty or miss it and feel like I let the 2x Governor down. The movie looks paint-by-numbers even with a young Korean director directing this madness. I’ll just say the hallmark of a bad movie is a completely ridiculously WTF casting of a goofy sidekick and nothing is more WTF casting than JOHNNY KNOXVILLE. I love Jackass. I own the DVDs, seen all the movies, I own all the movies that preceded Jackass as well, but I’m no fool. Johnny Knoxville is not in good movies and this will not be a good movie. If Rob Schneider wasn’t 50 – literally 50 – then he would be doing what Johnny will be doing. It looks terrible.

LUV

Common ain’t fucking around. Common went out and made himself a Spike Lee movie. I don’t know if this will be good or not, but I’ll give credit to Common for trying. The trailer is good with kind of balancing back and forth between some cheesy moments and some real dramatic shit. Like I said, the dude ain’t fucking around. He’s trying to go all Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness” on us and I appreciate the effort.

MAMA

Man, fuck this movie. I’ve already got nightmares from this movie and I’ve only seen the trailer. I hate horror movies. Seriously, all these movies want to do is ruin my alone time. Now, I’m fucking looking over my corner worrying about some evil woods spirit following around two creepy orphans. Fuck this movie. Fuck movies like this movie.

HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS

Seriously, if you didn’t learn your lesson watching “Van Helsing” then you’re an idiot. That movie sucked and this movie looks IDENTICAL to that movie. Instead of Hugh Jackman, you got Jeremy Renner. Instead of one literally fine assed Brit in Kate Beckinsale, you’ve got another literally fine assed Brit in Gemma Arterton. And somehow, the CGI looks worse! How is that even possible? This movie has been pushed back over a year since it was first supposed to be released, which means it is terrible. So, don’t support this nonsense.

Sidenote: I’ve said this before about Mr. Renner and I’ll say it again. Jeremy Renner was a featured actor in terrible action movies for years. Then Jeremy did two respectable movies in The Hurt Locker and The Town where he got nominations and everything. And how did Hollywood repay him? By making him a featured actor in terrible action movies for years to come. A tiger never changes his stripes or gets a chance too. I think Renner has proven he can take on a more serious role in a more serious action movie, but fuck if Hollywood cares.

MOVIE 43

This movie is riding the fence of looking 100% stupid and 75% funny. It’s supposed to be a loosely tied together story of a bunch of skit ideas. Some of the skits look funny. Honestly, the stuff with the kid being home schooled and his parents Liev Schrieber and Naomi Watts taking it upon themselves to also bully and fuck with their son like other high schoolers would is a funny idea. But there’s so much other nonsense in the trailer… and Johnny Knoxville is in it again. It sounds like I don’t like Johnny Knoxville, which is completely untrue. I’m just not trusting the people who would hire him to actually act. That’s nuts. That’s crazier than he is. Could be funny, could be too sophomoric. It looks like it is riding between those right now. Not sure if I’ll see it in theaters. There have been some pretty unfunny comedies out recently and January is not a comedy month. Whatever.

PARKER

Jason Statham is in it, so it is fucking awful.

I remember a time and that time was when I walked out of seeing “Snatch” for the first time in theaters back in the year 2000, I thought Jason Statham was going to be a great actor. Not like an ACT-TOUR like Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Daniel Day-Lewis, but he was going to be consistently good in movies that can delve into serious stuff and can do action and can do comedy and whatever. I thought he was going to be something huge.

I remember walking out of the theaters in 2002 after seeing “The Transporter” and thinking that it was ok and that most leading men do action movies especially when they’re younger. I thought that it was a good enough action movie and that would be fine for one of his few kind of paint-by-numbers action movies that most actors have in their filmography.

I DID NOT THAT WOULD BE THE START OF A DECADE PLUS OF HORRENDOUS ACTION MOVIES THAT GET WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE AND ARE DAMN NEAR STRAIGHT-TO-DVD UNWATCHABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck.

In all hyperbole, as Samuel L. Jackson lamented to Robert DeNiro in “Jackie Brown” after he shot him to death, “Your ass used to be beautiful”.

Jason Statham, your ass used to be beautiful and I wouldn’t see this dog shit “Parker” if you flew from England to New Jersey and jumping spin kicked my ass all the way to the theaters.

That’s the bullshit we’re being offered in January.

Fucking Happy New Year.

3 Responses to “JANUARY MOVIE PREVIEWS: The Few and the Terrible”

  1. Kim said

    Regarding Mama — if the trailer is giving you nightmares, may I suggest you enjoy this:

    It’s the film short that inspired del Toro to make the feature film. Honestly, scared the shit out of me in the middle of the afternoon at home on my laptop. Check it out.

    • This is a bizarre mix of terrifying and hilarious. Once you get over the initial creepiness, Mama’s kind of funny…

      Also, not at all what I expected Guillermo del Toro to look like.

      • Kim said

        Agreed. It’s not nearly as scary as the first time I watched it. I will see this movie for the pure enjoyment of it’s crap potential.
        And agreed as well on not expecting del Toro to look like that!

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