How Do I Pay To Watch Gail Simmons’ BOOBS Fight Nigella Lawson’s BOOBS?

January 9, 2013

Boobs. errr… Hello! … boobs.

One of the most popular posts I have written for this website or any website I imagine was the one about Gail Simmons’ boobs.

Sorry, I started thinking about that post. My vision gets all blurry and I start to mumble to myself. Any who…

Thankfully, the world of enormous boobs on chefs is nothing like the movie Highlander and there doesn’t need to be only one…

Let me introduce…



Good gracious.

I’m sure most of you already know who Nigella Lawson is as a British television professional cooker, but what you may have forgotten or failed to notice in her cooking recipes in the ingredients she carefully chose is that she chose those ingredients with the help of her heavenly heaving hooters!



That’s a chef. A CHEF! THAT’S A PICTURE OF A CHEF!!!!!

How does she even have time to worry about cooking when she’s clearly too busy dressing in lingerie and massaging her mammories with jars of fluff?



Let me reiterate, this woman cooks. She does not travel the globe fulfilling sexual fantasies for both men and women alike calling them “your royal highness” while messily but erotically feeding them whiskey soaked nuts and washing that sweet and salty mixture down with Frangelico body shots off her creamy porcelain English cleavage. Hmmmm… may have said too much… maybe not enough.

Either way…

I knew Nigella Lawson’s name and I knew that Nigella Lawson was attractive. In my head, I could picture her face, but I don’t think I knew much more about her body. I certainly didn’t think that she had a set of pillows on her that could rest four comfortably.

What did bring my attention to them is this new cooking show competition show that she’s on with Anthony Bourdain and some other chefs whose names I don’t know. See, I have no clue what the name of that show is nor what network it is on nor when it starts nor really anything other than…




On the TV show’s commercial, there is a set of boobs at the table.

They are uncovered and cleavage spilling everywhere. Lord knows these people are way more professional or way more gay that they’re not just staring at her chest and humming “swing low, sweet chariot”. That’s what I would be doing. Either way, there is cleavage and all I can see when that commercial comes on is the cleavage. I blank out everything else.

My immediate thought was of Gail Simmons.

I know that Gail is a chef and I know she’s on TV and I KNOW that she’s got a rack of majestic proportions and likes to show them off from time to time. I ASSUMED that they were her boobs. And I assumed that for maybe the first 6 to 15 to 38 times I saw that commercial. But after nearly 50 viewings, I finally noticed something… it wasn’t Gail’s face attached to those boobs.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH… actually, I didn’t notice that.

Right below the boobs is a name plate and on that name plate is “Nigella Lawson”. CASE CLOSED MOTHERFUCKERS!


It’s like we’re all playing peek-a-DD-boob in this picture and it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever been apart of. Also, I can only assume that those grapes will be used in the sex that is immediately following the taking of this picture. It kind of looks like she’s in a hotel room. Is this what an affair with Nigella Lawson looks like? DOES SHE SHOW UP TO A HOTEL ROOM WITH GRAPES AND A TIGHT WHITE T-SHIRT FOR YOU TWO TO WIPE YOUR GRAPE JUICE STAINED HANDS ON AND THEN YOU TWO MAKE SWEET EVIL AFFAIR SEX ALL OVER THAT HOTEL’S POOR COMFORTER WHICH WILL FOREVER BEEN STAINED IN THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED GRAPE JUICE AND A HEALTHY MIX OF EACH OTHER’S ORGASM LIQUIDS?!

If that’s the case then that’s awesome. If it isn’t the case then it’s still awesome.

So, Nigella’s boobs tricked me into thinking they were Gail’s boobs for like two weeks and I’m comfortable in admitting that and I’m comfortable admitting that now I have a new meth-like addiction of google searching every Nigella Lawson picture ever taken ever.


Are you looking at anything in this picture besides her boobs?

Seriously, how on Earth am I supposed to even notice that anything else is happening? If she was shooting my uncle and aunt in the head with a crossbow in this picture, I wouldn’t fucking know. I’m stuck on the boobs. Those boobs hugged in stretched salmon.


It’s like her boobs in these pictures are actual size for a normal person, but for her they’re the tip of an iceberg made of boobs. A booberg. I let that booberg sink my Titanic. AM I RIGHT?!

Actually, Titanic has tit in it already. Her boobs are two Titanics. AM I RIGHT?!

Plus, how on Earth is this picture not like the precursor to a porn about fucking in the kitchen? WHO EATS PSAGHETTI LIKE THAT?!



I know we’re just focusing on the boobs, but if you would take a moment a trace your peepers down Nigella’s right arm to her hand. Either Nigella is sitting on a ledge or British baby got back. AMAZING!

I don’t know how one goes about this, but if someone produced a naked cooking hour with Nigella Lawson on PPV – I’d buy it. And if she was accompanied by Gail Simmons – I’d pay like $1000. And if there was a moment that Padma came out and they starting running around throwing flour at each other – I’d burn this neighborhood to the ground with fiery lust.


It’s like her boobs see into my soul.

In this picture, Nigella’s boobs can tell the future, see the past, and give us hope for a dawn of a new day.

Hey, Nigella. Could you smile for the camera? And stand still and could you extend your arms out slightly so you’re absolutely just presenting your boobs to us the thankful and drooling viewer? Thanks. What? Oh yeah, your head is in the picture, but I’m my lighting is focused right on your nips at the moment. Like right on them. It’s like you can exactly imagine where they are, but you can’t quite see them. You know. Uh-huh, yeah, no, I’m not undressing you with my eyes because the shirt is basically painted on your teets, so I know what they look like naked. Love that cooking show you’re on… actually I don’t watch cooking shows. I’m staring at your boobs and I can’t force myself to make eye contact, so I thought I would compliment your show. I’m guessing you have one and that’s why I’m taking a photo of your breasts, I mean you… your breasts.


This evening, Nigella has prepared for us a fine bowl of her boobs for you photographers to feast on. Well done, Nigella.


If she smiles and wider, a nip pops out.


And the coup-de-grace of fucking boobs.

I need to watch more Food Network or something. I spend all my Food Network time watching Guy Fieri’s disgusting bleached mouth gorge itself on high caloric food.

Who are we fucking kidding with this picture? There had to been a moment when they were putting this outfit or another one on Nigella where they were like, “uhhhh, how do you look? Your tits look like they’re strangling you. So, perfect, right?”

What? My boobs?! How dare you? This is just my pink sweater that is six sizes too small and this tank top that would fit a small child who does not have ENORMOUS boobs. How dare you question my modesty?

I’m not complaining. I’m just saying I appreciate the effort of trying to make my eyeballs literally jump out of my fucking head.

Thank you, Nigella.

Thank you, boobs.

Happy Hump Day.

3 Responses to “How Do I Pay To Watch Gail Simmons’ BOOBS Fight Nigella Lawson’s BOOBS?”

  1. Kim said

    LOL — great post! Nigella really knows how to show ’em off, huh? Never really watched her show, but I’m a Gail Simmons fan from Top Chef. Never really noticed her tatas before, but hey, I’m a girl — it’s not really the first place I look. đŸ™‚

  2. I think maybe we need to get you out of the house a little more…

  3. om rajesh panchal said

    i love nigella & her beautiful boobs.i love her boobs feed i like her tit

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