OSCAR NOMINATIONS 2013: Let’s Get Angry Together!

January 10, 2013

Hallo, all.

This morning, a cartoonist and an attractive chick read to us a series of holier than thou nominations for the art of cinematic pretending. Of course, I’m talking about the Oscars(!). WOOO! OSCARS! Generally speaking, I hate the Oscars. But, I fucking love movies and it’s tough to not acknowledge the Oscars if you do enjoy las peliculas as much if not more or less than I do. Plus, actors and actresses are usually a pack of pieces of ass, so it’s fun looking at them and possibly watching them have fictitious sex. Ya know?

Anyway, I haven’t looked at the nominations yet. They’re sitting in a tab waiting to be clicked on. I’m so nervous at how much I’ll disagree or agree with them. So, we’ll do this in metaphorical tandem as you hold my hand and I creepily move my hand up your thigh and then whisper dialogue from “The Dark Knight” into your ear because the Oscars fucked up and didn’t nominate it for every fucking award ever those years ago.

Ok… ready? And. Here. We. Go.

BEST MOVIE

Amour, Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Django Unchained, Les Miserables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, Zero Dark Thirty

Well, completely expected so far. No nomination for “The Dark Knight Rises”, “The Master”, “Moonrise Kingdom” or any of that. I didn’t see Amour, Beasts, Life of Pi, or Zero Dark Thirty. I’m seeing ZDT sooner than later since it is actually out now. Do I think “Lincoln” should be nominated? No, but everyone should have expected it. Either way, who do I think will win? Honestly, I don’t know. I think Django has a shot as far as Quentin not winning anything before and the dude deserves awards for his movies. Les Miserables could win but I have a feeling it won’t and will instead win a few other awards. I think Silver Linings has a real shot because the Oscars likes to single out an indie comedy or more understated movie from time to time. Lastly, Zero Dark Thirty definitely has to be a favorite with how critics are reacting to it. I feel like Argo won’t win – although it could – because I’m betting Affleck was nominated for best director and I feel like he’s going to get best director. I could be completely wrong, but I feel like he will win best director this year.

BEST ALPHA-MALE ACTING

Bradley Cooper, Daniel Day-Lewis, Hugh Jackman, Joaquin Phoenix, Denzel Washington

I agree. Or at least, I don’t disagree. They all were great in their roles … I didn’t see “Flight” but Denzel is always great. I would’ve liked to seen Jamie Foxx nominated. I’m very glad Joaquin was nominated; he was amazing. I definitely think Joaquin should win as he was electric on screen and was a mix of hateable and likeable at the same time. He was scary and at the same time pathetic. I really hope everyone from The Master was nominated. Bradley Cooper was certainly the shock of this group though as the rest are established actors. Well, Hugh isn’t really “established film actor” but he’s an established Broadway actor and Les Mis is a Broadway movie so it was obvious he was going to nail that role. As for Cooper, I mean what was his big role before this? “The Hangover”? I don’t think people could’ve guessed that he was going to be as unhinged and as charming. I don’t like the title of “Silver Linings Playbook” but everything else was great about it. I kind of feel like Jackman is going to take it though. Not that I agree with that, but I think it will happen.

BEST ALPHA-FEMALE ACTING

Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, Emmanuelle Riva, Quvenzhane Wallis, Naomi Watts

Chicks. Seriously, it’s always funny how the nominations for actresses usually never correlates to other movies and/or are people you’ve never heard of. If you go throughout the years of Oscar noms, the actresses nominated and the movies they’re nominated for seem random as Hell. Obviously, Emmanuelle and Quvenzhane are not household names, and Naomi’s movie The Impossible might be only nominated just for this award here. Either way, I only saw Jennifer’s performance and she was great. That young lady is gaining quite a rep for herself as being good in movies. It’s nice to see. I have no clue who takes this considering I haven’t seen most of these movies. It’s J-Law’s second nomination in this category and I think she has a good shot at winning it because of that. There was no way anyone was beating Natalie Portman for Black Swan in 2011, so maybe this is Jennifer’s year and she’s only 21. Fuck.

BEST BETA-MALE ACTING

Alan Arkin, Robert De Niro, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Tommy Lee Jones, Christoph Waltz

Well, I don’t agree with a couple of these. I completely agree with Hoffman and think he should win it. De Niro definitely should’ve been nominated as well and potentially could take it. Waltz just won for Inglorious Basterds, so he probably won’t take it. He was quite good in Django, but honestly I might have picked Leonardo Di Caprio instead for best supporting from Django. I don’t think Alan Arkin should’ve been nominated nor Tommy Lee Jones. I really don’t think either did much to deserve the nomination. I think Tom Hardy did much more as Bane in every capacity. There’s really a lot of people I could see that did more and their movies should be mentioned like absolutely anyone of the guys in “Killing Them Softly”. But whatever. Either give it to Phillip or De Niro.

BEST BETA-FEMALE ACTING

Amy Adams, Sally Field, Anne Hathaway, Helen Hunt, Jacki Weaver

They nailed this category. I can’t argue with any of them. I would give the award to Anne I think. I would give it to her because I also think she should be nominated for being Catwoman as well. So, it’s a dual thing to me. She absolutely crushes the one song in Les Mis and that’s a lot more than some other supporting actress winners have done in the past – looking at you DENCH! Anyway, it’s hard to argue with any of these.

Just to throw this out there… Emily Blunt had a great year in my opinion. I liked her in both “The Five Year Engagement” and in “Looper”. I know that she’s not getting nominated for anything and that those movies weren’t huge hits necessarily financially or anything but I liked them and I liked her in them. Well done, Emily.

BEST DIRECTING

Michael Haneke, Ang Lee, David O. Russell, Steven Spielberg, Benh Zeitlin

Well, there it is.

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! FUCK YOU YOU FUCKS!

Lame.

So, I guess that “FEELING” I had about Ben Affleck winning best director was COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED. I wonder why the movie “Argo” was seen as such a good fucking movie. Was it the stellar performance of fucking Alan Arkin?! NO, YOU FUCKING ASS-MONKEYS! Actually, everyone is talking about what a good fucking director this Affleck fellow is by turning 3 fucking movies one right after another and everyone likes them you fucking nit wits! Not only likes them but they’ve all been nominated for these stupid as shit awards. Fuck these nominations. I just hope it doesn’t go to Spielberg. I like Spielberg, but not for this movie. Actually, Spielberg deservedly won the Oscar for best directing for Schindler’s List, but should’ve won it against himself for directing Jurassic Park. That movie “Short Cuts” get suck a D for all I care. Spielberg directed fucking dinosaurs, who the fuck did Robert Altman direct? Andie MacDowell?! WHOOP-DEE-FREAKIN-DO! Anyway…

I was rooting for Ben Affleck. Now, I’m rooting for one of these directors to slip on the stairs on their way up the stage and break a fucking hip.

And that’s it…

I read the rest of the nominations and they’re what the fuck ever.

There isn’t a single nomination in any category whatsoever for “The Dark Knight Rises”. Nothing in editing, sound editing, sound mixing, or anything. Do you know what did get nominated? SKYFALL. For what? Everything.

What a fucking piece of shit stupid fucking awards show.

I hope the people who compile the nominations and all the people who vote on them all get food poisoning on their respective birthday.

I’m done.

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2 Responses to “OSCAR NOMINATIONS 2013: Let’s Get Angry Together!”

  1. Kim said

    I have to agree on your feelings for TDKR — while I really didn’t expect nominations, it was by far my fave movie of the year!
    I’m picking Lincoln to be the big whore of the Oscars — really, who can compete with DDL? I think it will easily win Best Picture and Director too. With no nom for Kathryn Bigelow, I don’t see Zero Dark Thirty winning.
    I was happy to see Joaquin nominated, even though he won’t win.
    Don’t be throwing shade on Dench — she’s extremely talented. 😛
    I’m betting on Sally Field to beat Hathaway for supporting actress. The Academy loves Sally.
    Best Supporting Actor is a toss up — they’ve all won before, so who cares?
    Best Actress? The Academy will reward Zero Dark Thirty by giving this to Chastain. I haven’t seen Silver Linings Playbook, and I think JLaw is worthy of winning. I just think for the reason above that Chastain will win (and she has done a really good job).

  2. I haven’t even seen Argo yet and I was *still* ticked over how it was slighted.

    OK I don’t have anything clever to say but I trust your taste in movies and will go forth and view accordingly.

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